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Original poster

Would you seek revenge?

50 replies

BlastedPimples · 28/06/2023 06:58

If someone had abused you throughout a marriage and left you very poor after a divorce?

I mean take them down with you by sending recordings of their abuse to their present and future employers?

OP posts:
whatthebejesus · 28/06/2023 07:00

No.
It sounds incredibly painful what you've gone through but giving information to your exs employer will do you no favours.

Hold your head high and try to deal with this and move forward positively. It'll take time but you can do it

OriginalUsername2 · 28/06/2023 07:18

I had a fantasy of making a “memory book” filled with screenshots of all the abusive texts he’d sent me over the years and sending it to his family. Never did it though and I’m glad I didn’t.

I do wish I had blatantly said “because your son is a cheater and abuser” rather than covering up why we split out of politeness.

WeAreTheHeroes · 28/06/2023 07:22

No. Don't lower yourself to his level. The best revenge is moving on and enjoying life without him. If it helps you, you can compose letters or emails, etc but don't send them. Actual putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper, etc can be helpful to download things from your brain.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 28/06/2023 07:28

So he should get away with it?

Why should he enjoy his wealthy life after causing such distress, havoc and trauma to me and our dcs?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 28/06/2023 07:29

And I have told his family he's an abuser. They've seen the footage. They don't care. His numerous affairs are a mere blip compared to the rest of his behaviour.

OP posts:
ThunderStormPlease · 28/06/2023 07:30

No, surely you'd take it to the police and press charges not his employer?

WandaWonder · 28/06/2023 07:31

If you have proof to go to the police with that, if not they could involve the police for harassment or whatever on you

regardless no I would not, I have more self respect than that

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/06/2023 07:33

Only if you want to give him an opportunity to accuse you of stalking and harassment and possibly be able to press charges against you.

Gazelda · 28/06/2023 07:33

Revenge will be showing that you've moved on, that he doesn't have any control of you anymore, that can't ever abuse you again.

If you do what you're suggesting, you're going to provoke a reaction from him. Possibly from others (his family?). In time, your children will find out and it won't be your version of events, it'll be his. He will retaliate.

You won't feel better. You won't feel closure.

I'm sorry you had such a shit for your DC's father. Concentrate on them and getting yourself stronger. Build a better live for yourself and the DC.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/06/2023 07:36

So he should get away with it?

the only suitable recourse is legally and I’m sorry if that hasn’t worked

if you do this the likely outcomes are all bad !

either they ignore it , which makes you feel worse
or he gets told off and then comes for you

I understand your anger 💯

bit this won’t achieve anything

RegainingTheWill2023 · 28/06/2023 07:36

ThunderStormPlease · 28/06/2023 07:30

No, surely you'd take it to the police and press charges not his employer?

I was going to say this.
If you have evidence of his abuse go to the police.
I get why it feels desperately unfair that he appears to suffer no consequences but his employers are not in a position to investigate and judge.
Focus on what you can control which is the way you live your life and raise your children.
Good luck

billy1966 · 28/06/2023 07:37

Far more damaging to involve the police.

List out his behaviour.

Have you spoken to Women's aid about his behaviour to see if it is a police matter?

Being a lying cheating bastard is not a crime.

Abusing you and your children, controlling you, sexual coercion, financially abusing you, these can be reported to the police.

NomDe · 28/06/2023 07:40

Sounds like it’s as much as he deserves and of course they shouldn’t people see who he really is. However the things that would give me pause would be the very real possibility of being charged with harassment and getting dragged into more misery with him.

Completely understand where you’re coming from though OP. Your anger is totally justified.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 28/06/2023 07:40

The best revenge is to live a good life with no thought or consideration to him. He wins by having your attention, by being a thought in your head, by knowing that even after the relationship is over you can't stop fixating on him.

He loses by seeing you happy without him, it weakens his perception of himself to 'now that you can put him aside and out of mind.

AgentJohnson · 28/06/2023 07:41

No because it won’t achieve the outcome you want and you would be opening yourself up to more shit. His employer probably won’t give a shit.

Trust me, I have thought about it but the instability it would have brought into me and DD’s lives would have scuppered the ‘success’ that we have now. My goal with DD’s father has always been ambivalence and distance was the means to that end.

The best revenge is your success. Bitterness is what you want to avoid because that only hurts you.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 28/06/2023 07:41

He is being prosecuted for assault.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 28/06/2023 07:41

I guess he will be convicted and lose his job anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 28/06/2023 07:43

It I think he will get a suspended sentence.

I could inform the regulatory body of his conviction. That's all above board.

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 28/06/2023 07:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

springtome · 28/06/2023 07:52

Gazelda · 28/06/2023 07:33

Revenge will be showing that you've moved on, that he doesn't have any control of you anymore, that can't ever abuse you again.

If you do what you're suggesting, you're going to provoke a reaction from him. Possibly from others (his family?). In time, your children will find out and it won't be your version of events, it'll be his. He will retaliate.

You won't feel better. You won't feel closure.

I'm sorry you had such a shit for your DC's father. Concentrate on them and getting yourself stronger. Build a better live for yourself and the DC.

Exactly this. The best revenge is getting on with your life without him.

It isn't about him 'getting away with it'. People like this don't usually get away with it forever.

If you have children together, make sure you go through the CMS for child support as he is employed. Don't try getting him fired, it's unlikely to work and if it does how does that help you getting child support?

jackstini · 28/06/2023 07:59

As he is already being prosecuted then wait for the sentencing and fine to send that to his governing body

He's not getting away with everything

Do not engage in any other way; it may get you into trouble and have an effect on his prosecution

Is the divorce final? Are you saying the financial agreement was incorrect?

Not sure of dc age but CMS for future?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 28/06/2023 08:06

Do nothing OP. Keep your powder dry.
You say he’s already being prosecuted for assault,However if the assault is against you if you have further evidence, you take it to the police.

Zanatdy · 28/06/2023 08:11

No, i wouldn’t go there

Fraaahnces · 28/06/2023 08:11

Honestly? I wouldn’t be above using the threat of work finding out to ensure that he supports his kids and stays the hell away from me.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/06/2023 08:15

No - please don’t. It could put the prosecution at risk. Focus on maximising the chances that he pays legally for his crimes.

Once he has been convicted then - yes - it is completely appropriate that his governing body is informed of the conviction.

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