The shoes on the other foot.... I am having an affair

[sanb]

First off, I'm sorry for changing my name but as a regular visitor I don't think I'm ready for the general mumsnet population to know about my situation. I posted in early September about a dangerous attraction I had with a man I work with. I'm not proud to admit it but it has progressed and I am having an affair with him and as much as I don't want to do it I can't seem to stop. I started seeing this guy about 2 months ago, it started off totally platonic and rapidly progressed to a full blown relationship (if you could call it that). I haven't told a soul about what's going on and it is really starting to get to me. I never understood how a woman could put up with second best and here I sit offering it. We are both married and have no intention of leaving our spouses, mainly because of our kids - we both know that the respective partners would be off with our kids in a shot if they found out.

Please, please don't lecture me, because I know that it's wrong. More than anything I would be interested in hearing from any of you who have been a similar situation and how you managed to end it (or if you didn't how did you get used to living in secrecy)?

Thanks in advance

Hi sanb - I remember your post. All I can really say is please try and keep in mind that the longer you go on having the affair then eventually its bound to come out with consequences.

Remember in the end its the children who always get hurt in these type of situations. If you want to have an affair why not just leave your dh or at least seperate (legally) you can at least explain to your children in some way why your no longer living together. I honestly dont agree either way but if its something you are really having a hard time stopping then it might be a thing to consider.

I know if I were in the same situation I would hate more then anything in this world for my children to realize I was with someone other then their daddy. I'm refering to if this ends up coming out and my kids are older and understand more. I dont know the ages of your children. Thats something that will stick with them always. I hope things turn out for the better in the end. Good luck.

I hope this is not taken as a lecture. I just wanted to express a little.

sanb,

Which would you prefer? To end it or continue in secrecy?

Sanb, I have been there, done it and am now paying the consequences. I know all about the excitement and thrill of it. With me and the other one (shortened from now on to "too" we were both married and had no intention of leaving our partners. I really thought I would not be found out, but sadly was. Perhaps, deep down, I wanted to be found out - looking back,I wasn't very careful. I wasn't deliberately complacent, but you do become more and more careless over time.

Please, please think about what you are doing and what you are risking. I have lost my husband over this - after knowing all the details about the affair (I confessed everything), he decided (after about 2 years of trying) that he could not ever forgive me and has now actually left.

It is fun, it is exciting but the more it goes on, the more harder it will become to stop seeing him. After a while, you cannot imagine living without the excitement in your life and going back to your "boring" life (not that your life is boring, but it will seem boring in comparison to the excitement you are having).

Neither me or "too" got round to ending it as such - it had to end once my husband found out. His wife never found out and, to my knowledge, still does not know to this day. For me, I think the only way the affair was going to end was for one of us to be found out - unluckily for me, it was me.

If I could turn the clocks back I would but, after having had one affair and my marriage end over it, I would NEVER, NEVER cheat on my partner (if I ever get one again).

I won't say that I haven't been tempted by the prospect of an affair. My dh has quite a low sex-drive and sometimes, when I get chatted up by a really good-looking man with a fit body, yes I get VERY tempted. But at the end of the day, as I've said before, lust lasts 10 minutes, then you feel really bad and guilty. Just weigh up what you have to lose. Your husband, your kids, your respect. Not only will your dh know, but he will tell his family, your family, your friends and so on, can you live with that? Each time you see this man you are risking all of that and for what? 10 minutes of hot sex. Will that still be there when your life falls apart around you? If you are a regular poster you will know how affairs have affected other Mumsnetters, you are doing exactly the same to his wife. The pair of you must see the wider picture, just think how many people would be hurt if this all came out; your partners, your children, your families, your friends, your extended family. So many people at risk.

What is wrong with your marriage to make you act like this? You are already taking a huge risk, he could tell someone and it could get back to your dh in the flick of a switch, so why are you prepared to do this? Should you not be focusing on what is wrong in your relationship and using your energy to solving those issues? On the days you normally meet your lover, why not make other appointments to keep you away, such as Relate for example! Seriously, find other things to do, make yourself very busy so you cannot possibly meet him. Take yourself and your dh to a posh restaurant for some serious making up and loving. If you don't stop now, you yourself know the consequences....

I've also changed my name for this discussion.

I had an affair. It did not end well (and yet did not disturb my marriage, luckily) by I don't regret having had it.

My husband and I have had a less than good sex life for as long as I've known him, because my husband isn't very interested in sex. He promised over the years that things would improve and that his low sex drive was temporary (due to exhaustion from work, or this excuse or that excuse), so I married him despite my serious reservations about the sex. Of course it was naive of me to believe things would improve. Still, he is such a good husband, father and person in every other capacity, that I don't believe I made a mistake in marrying him.

That said, over the years I have begun to feel resentful over his sexual problems, whatever they are exactly, presumably a low drive. We have sex exceedingly infrequently, and it's a wonder I became pregnant twice. Even though I'm told I'm attractive, I began to feel hideous, then angry, and then depressed. After several tearful conversations last year, my husband gave me permission to sleep with other men, so long as I never told him about it. He said it would hurt him profoundly if I did (hence his not wanting to hear about it), but that he was much more worried about the possibility that I might leave him.

At around the time of this conversation, I found myself very attracted to my language professor (I'm trying to learn my husband's first language). Those months that led up to our eventual affair were some of the happiest in my life, so I can understand how difficult it feels to even think about ending things, Sanb. The man I had the affair with is also married--2 children. He'd never had an affair either. He led me to believe that he was falling in love with me, yet the second we 'consummated' our affair, he became strange and distant. He told me he felt nothing for me but lust and low-key friendly feelings, and that our relationship was never going to progress to anything more intense, and that he would never leave his wife and children, so it was imperative we keep our affair secret.

So I, too, tried to get into his mindset of separating the physical from the emotional. I thought I could do it, and carried on with the affair, finding it relatively easy to keep it from my husband. (Mostly I had to stop myself from talking about him all the time because that would have raised suspicions. And certainly we never rang each other, and emailed only occasionally.) Finally I had to face facts that I really was in love with this man, and yet he felt basically nothing for me. So I ended things because it was all too heart-wrenching. I'd gone off my husband, and was instead in a horrible unrequieted love situation. The other man was completely nonplussed when I ended things--he really didn't mind one way or the other, and that was hard too.

I think affairs have to end badly almost by definition. I'll probably be tarred and feathered for saying this, but I don't think having an affair is entirely or always a bad thing even though affairs do usually end up badly. For me, that intensity, while it lasted, was worth it. I would have an affair again, but then again I have an unusual situation with my husband and perhaps have less to lose than a lot of other people have.

I feel fortunate that I didn't do something stupid like leave my husband over this man. With some distance and objectivity, I see that I'm married to the better man by far.

Apologies for the long post. This is a difficult thing to discuss with friends. I'm glad I had an opportunity to talk about it.

snabs

I guess all of these have been good posts in adding to your motivation to get out(if it needed it!).

I've not had an affair, so this might not be any of my business, but I have supported a number of friends who have been through similar situations, some of which have ended messily. So my mind looks at the practicalities of the situation a bit, if you want to go ahead and end it (which really sounds like the least painful option in the long run)

First off, is there any way that one of you can change your job? Get a transfer to another department, or sabbatical, or something? The best case scenario is that you are going to have to regularly see this guy while you are trying to end things. The worst case is that he could make things awkward for you at work.

One of my friends basically told her bloke she couldn't go on and then ran away - refused to see/hear from him for a month. That kind of did it, but the bloke concerned didn't 'get it' until she met him again and explained just how much she was risking and how much she didn't want to risk it anymore.

She felt the key thing was to actually break contact with him for a good period of time before she could meet him again and control herself - she actually met him again in an environment where she knew she would have to be home again within a time limit so she wouldn't be tempted to go off with him.

Perhaps you could book some holiday and tell him before you go away. But for God's sake, don't take DH with you - the worst thing about affairs is how lonely they make the people having them - they can't tell other people and are forced to fall back on the other party, which seems to make the whole thing really claustrophobic.

I'd pick a really good, reliable girlfriend and take her away for a long weekend (if you can leave DH in charge). You'll need someone you can either a)cry at without telling her why or b) tell without worrying it will go any further.
Because my guess is you are going to be heartbroken and there is nothing worse than not being able to talk about it.

Call your kids - remind yourself why you are doing it. Get your strength where you can. If you do this, you are doing something that is incredibly brave and you deserve a lot of support. Post here and you'll get it.

Good luck

Some of you seem to be missing the fact that this man has a wife, and children. So an affair might do you a load of good and really boost your marriage (sorry for the sarcastic tone here!) but what about the other poor woman? Her husband is lying to her, sleeping behind her back. What is her life like? Maybe she suspects and worries endlessly about what he is getting up to. When your lover is busy having sex with you, he should be at home supporting his wife, fulfilling his duty as a husband and father. Are you that inconsiderate to your female counterparts? Is it merely a case of "Well, I need love, I want to have sex, I have all these feelings, my husband doesn't treat me right, I deserve a bit of fun" see the parallels there? It's all me, me, me.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I hate seeing other people trampled on. I've heard too much from other Mumsnetters, and from friends, to know how much it hurts when you are on the other end of it all. A one-night stand I could forgive, but an affair, with all the cold-hearted, calculated planning and deceiving, that I could never forgive. Look around you, there are more people than you on this planet.

I agree with you Rhubarb. I only wish I didnt have a problem expressing more on this site. Some of the past topics have made me so sad, ill and so angry and I just keep quiet. I dont want to sound as if I'm attacking people I just would love to really express my opinions sometimes. I'll have to work on it. On this site with all these type of topics I guess you cant be nice and understanding all the time. Right?

'as much as I don't want to do it I can't seem to stop' - I feel the same way about chocolate, but that is only ruining my figure, not anyone else's life.

1. You have children
2. So does he
3. You are married
4. So is he

Remember your children in this. Plus, this is NOT a 'relationship'. That is something where you are able to be with someone when you want to, and where you share your life exclusively with them. Of course being flirted with is nice, as it makes you feel good. It is a double edged sword though, as it can make one dissatisfied with their current relationship. You say that you have no intention of leaving your dh, so make the break with this man NOW, before you are found out.

I love getting attention too, but I believe in the vows that I made when I got married, so would never go any further than a bit of light, harmless flirting. Nobody's marriage is perfect, so work on the things that are wrong, and make it as good as it can get. Your story has made me remember not to take my dh for granted, as I have been a bit lately. He is quite bossy and controlling, which does annoy me at times, but ultimately, he is my ideal partner in most ways.

Good luck, I'm sure that this is hard for you, but you know what to do really, don't you?

To be honest, I'm surprised women have the time, or energy for an affair.
If I'm not with the kids, then I'm at work, where we are far too busy.
I'm mostly knackered when I get home, and if I do get a night when I feel a bit more frisky, then I devote myself to my poor old dh, who is usually last on the list.
There must be something wrong with me , since I barely notice other men, and still fancy my dh.

sanb - if you are in it only for the sex/fun aspect then give it say 6 months max by which time the novelty will probably have worn off anyway and then end it. But whatever you do of course don't get found out. I don't think these kind of affairs will necessarily risk a marriage. If it gives you a boost to your confidence and relieves boredom then maybe it is a good thing if it keeps you with your husband in the long run. I say this because a friend of mine had an affair but was afraid of hurting her husband and kids so decided to leave him. The affair didn't last and now she is left with no husband, or lover and her kids are only seeing their dad twice a month. So the irony is if she'd just let it run its course then no-one would have been hurt (except herself who was hurt anyway).

However if you think there is the slightest risk of falling in love with him or vice versa then I'd end it asap.

snab,
Perhaps it's an age thing, Did you meet and marry dh quite young?? Or perhaps feel you settled down too early, and have missed out on some excitement, somewhere???
I had "been around the block" a bit before I met dh, had the excitement of new relationships etc, which never lasted with anyone and left me, ready to give up on men.
I think it is deffinately, something you need to get out of your system, so you don't keep thinking the grass is greener...

sorry, sanb, but I must agree with threeangels and rhubarb on this one. IMO, having an affair is quite simply wrong. I would be devastated if my d.h. had an affair; it would ruin my life and the lives of our 3 children. Think of your husband and your lover's wife and family. They have done nothing to deserve this, whatever the problems may be within your marriage. I am so sorry this sounds harsh and cruel, but I do think that betraying your partner is the ultimate cruelty. Good luck and hope you can work it out.

sanb

I was once in your situation...it doesn't last believe me, and only YOU will be the one thats hurt in the long run. Not him - the guy can easily get over it and get on with their life again, but not us. The ones that do go on in secrecy and work out are a rarity.

I'm speaking from experience although mine was pre-kids, i came clean in the end and twelve yrs on we are still together and thank GOD! He forgave me but it has been difficult.

Think about what u r doing... please..

thinking of u

Thanks for your comments and replies. Of course I agree with all of you who are absolute in your opinion that I should just give this up.

However, it's just not that simple. DH and I have been together for a long time and even though we are great friends and he is a wonderful dad and partner there just isn't that spark. I know that this is the case with most marriages and that other benefits should outweigh the cons and up until recently have been more than happy with this.

I am pretty confused about the whole situation - i.e. the elation of being with somebody who thinks you are sensational vs the happiness and fulfilment of a stable and consistent home life (being very honest here - please don't slate me?).

It's funny - somebody mentioned the time factor and how does anybody find time to have an affair. Well since I started this "thing" I have had more energy than I've had in years - I accomplish far more in a day than I ever did (so if I was looking for positive that would be it.)

I really appreciate all of your advice & honesty. I don't know which way it will go, but will definitely keep you posted.

sanb

Been there and done that too. I have also changed my name. My first was when I was only 22 and I had an affair with a married man and he had kids and I thought it was all very exciting, very naive of me. Luckily it was purely physical and it was never intended and never went any further, his wife never knew, no-one was hurt, but he has to live with the guilt for ever. Also had an affair when married myself which was about 5 years ago luckily that affair turned into my dh now and we are very happy. That was because my marriage wasn't working. There were no children involved and we divorced amicably, best for everyone in this case.

I can remember the buzz and excitement. An affair makes you feel like a teenager again, butterflies in the tummy, you feel great, etc,etc.

But I am in firm agreement with the others, it won't last and you will deeply hurt your dh and children. You are basically saying your dh is a good man but there isn't that 'SPARK' - of course there isn't - You've got to work at it ! It goes, it always does, not completely and that's why dh and I work very hard at always putting it back.

If there was something fundamentally wrong with your marriage it's different, there was with mine and so my affair ended happily. However if there is not, and this is the case in most cases, then the suffering will not outweigh the benefit. I am the product of a broken home. My parents divorced becase of an affair. I was resentful. Although their marriage wasn't great. If you're marriage is otherwise good and your dh a good man your children will be very resentful to you and will feel sorry for their father. Your dh will probably leave you and go for custody.

Please do think about it. I am not trying to preach but you sound swept away by the buzz of it all. Any new relationship has buzz. Tell me a marriage that is some years down the track that automatically has spark, hardly any, you need to work at that, everyone does. Don't throw the towel in if he's a good man. You'll regret it im sure. And worst of all if you do both end up leaving your partners you'll probably end up losing the spark yourselves in time and look at everything else you will have lost.

I do understand how you are feeling but as Rhubarb said, put your energy into your marriage.

Sanb, Perhaps another perspective may be useful. I am a lone mother and have been getting a series of advances from 2 attractive married men with children, one much more than the other, but very sophisticated and subtle, nothing explicit which might risk offending me, but the message is clear to me. The process, as you will know, takes a few months or years, of them inserting into chit chat such facts that their wives are too old to have any more children but they would like some more, so it's a bit of a shame. I am still in my late 20s and it is obvious that I am still single and would like a new partner and more children. They also drop into the conversation their wife's age (ie much older than me), that she is always working late and at weekends, that she is always away on business, all the lovely things the man does with their kids alone at the weekend (ie how much we have in common as I do all the weekend things alone with my ds), and then they boast a bit about their jobs and earnings (ie they could afford to provide for me and more children). It culminates in them one day saying yet again we must meet up/ have dinner/ go to the park (saying this at the end of a conversation started by saying the wife is away on business again) and forcing his private phone no/ email address on me when 3 times I have said that I will get in touch with his wife about our families meeting up. Actually I don't know whether she is his wife or unmarried partner. My attitude is the same as Rhubarb's, so I assiduously pretend that I have not got the message, although I know he knows I am not that stupid, and he knows I know he knows, and so I don't call him, and I make a point of being friendly to his wife. However, supposing your dh was that man, and I heard what you were up to, that would change my views, and I would probably try to seduce him, and I would be happy to have his child live with us in our new family with my ds. Even though your dh is not so attractive to you these days, are you safe to assume that no one else wants him?

Cityfreak,

Nice to have a different perspective. In short the answer to your question is yes. I am absolutely positive that other women would find my DH attractive, because he is physically attractive. It's difficult because after so many years you do tend to take each other for granted, despite physical appearances.

I probably shouldn't bring it up, because it will muddy the waters but 2 years ago DH had a very explicit relationship with a woman via email/internet chat rooms. He swears that there was never any physical contact but when I confronted her she said the total opposite. So I do know exactly how it feels to be betrayed - it was excruciating at the time. From my perspective - I never intend my DH to find out. Absolutely nobody knows about us and I intend to keep it that way until I make my mind up what I want to do long term.

Thanks for your reply
Sanb

You say it's not that simple - why not? Also you say you know what it is like to be betrayed, so you will have some idea of what your lovers wife will go through if she ever found out. Also just because he cheated on you doesn't mean to say you can do it back. Revenge is never nice. Are you perhaps hoping your dh will find out and then end your marriage for you - thereby forcing your hand so to speak? You don't want to be the one making the choices so you are hoping that someone else will do it for you.

Have you just accepted that the fizz has gone from your marriage and that's it? Have you tried to work things out? Have you seen anyone else about it? Have you given your marriage a fighting chance or have you simply given up on it? If you want out, don't you think it would be kinder to bail out now and find yourself someone who is single. Your lover may make you feel wanted and special, he's bound to, he only sees you for sex, it's like you're dating forever. The mundane aspects of getting to know each other, moving in together, accepting each other's bad points are forever put on hold. You are living in a dream world. Take your lover out of the affair situation and place him in your dh's position, he probably won't be making you feel so special then! Besides, it's his wife he should be making to feel special - the mother of his children, the woman he vowed to be with forever, the one who waits at home for him whilst he's sleeping with you - do you have any compassion for her at all?

Get back to reality. You know this cannot last, but how it ends is up to you.

Must say I have to agree with Rhubarb. It seems that you are now using his past misdemeanor as an excuse. You need to decide what you really want and what you are prepared to jeopardise. The grass is greener now but be careful when you get over there because it may be a muddy field.

Rhubarb,

Whilst I respect your opinion I think your last posting was pretty heavy handed. I have repeatedly asked not to be slated. I'm not particularly proud of the fact that I am having an affair. But it happens and we have to try and deal with it the best way we know how.

I am trying my hardest to do the right thing by everybody. I am not making excuses or getting revenge on my DH by having an affair. I have managed to get myself into this situation all on my own.

I won't post again - you have been judgemental and very harsh. Whilst I understand your point of view I did so after your previous posting, there was no necessity to post again and bash me.

Hope that there will be no animosity. Sorry if I caused anybody offence by starting this thread.

All the best
Sanb

Sanb I don't think that you caused anyone any offence or that Rhubarb was trying to slate you or any of us for that matter. It's hard for people not to be passionate about it and try and point you in what they consider to be the right direction when some of us have had similar experiences and had to learn from mistakes. Nobody wants you to jeopardise so much for what may be so little I think that's all.

I can never really understand why any women (I mean women in general) would want a man who would cheat on his own wife. Its so sad especially when there is little children involved. It shows theres no respect. If I wanted a man I would want one who would be totally devoted to me and only me. If he cheats on his wife, the women he said lifelong vows with then hell cheat on anyone. I couldnt live with for sure.