Dear Sanb
My tale may put people's noses out of joint slightly, but my experience is a positive one of how affairs can work out for the best for all!! I too started an affair with a married man at work who had 2 small kids. I had worked with him for several years before anything actually ever happened. There was always an attraction, and he did proposition me a year before our affair started, but at the time I was in a relationship, an unhappy one, but I knew that having an affair for me was not the solution to my relationship problems, it would in fact only make things more complicated. However that relationship ended on my terms and I spent a really great 6 months single, free and very happy. However as events transpired I realised that my attraction to the man in the office hadn't gone away and one drunken evening we talked about our mutual feelings and attraction, and the affair started.
I went into the affair knowing that the guy was incredibly unhappy at home with his partner of 10 years, and at the beginning a major turn on for me was knowing that I had become the person who made him happy when all else in his life seemed like s**t. Yes the thrill of the affair was exhilarating - I've never felt so alive and he transformed from the office misery-guts into an enthusiastic and energetic person, it took a decade off him! And the sex (the few times that we did get the opportunities) was incredible, and yes, like probably all others out there who start an affair we lied to ourselves that we could just get by with what we got, that we both had our own agednda (i was planning on emigrating, he said he could never leave his wife and kids), but i think it's very hard for both parties to get into an affair without at least 1 party getting emotionally attached. in our case we both ended up falling for each other.
It was by means an easy ride - often the buzz of the illicitness was barely enough to compensate for the enormous stress we both felt, i felt iincreased resentment towards his family who had him all to themselves physically if not emotionally when he went home, he felt terrble guilt about the lying and cheating. the stress became so much that i actually ended the relationship (because it most certainly WAS a realtionship), i juts couldn't be second best anymore. I found my self the most unhappy i've ever been - in a month i lost 2 stone, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i felt more alone than i could have imagined, basically i was heart broken.
Anyway to cut a long story short, this period apart made us both realise that what we really wanted was to be together. We have now been living together for almost a year, I have a good relationship with his children. Yes, when he told his wife and left her she was of course devastated and angry at having been lied to and betrayed. She was confused and scared and understandably quite difficult and spiteful for some time but 12 motnhs down the line she has a new boyfriend and she is very happy, and she admits that what happened (ie him leaving her, not the affair of course) was for the best as they were so incredibly mismatched and wrong for each other. The children have adapted brilliantly, they are young enough and resilient enough to deal with anythinG so long as they know that their parents did not split because of them, and that they are loved dearly. I hope that when they are older they will not blame me for their parents splitting up, but see me as a caring family member.
A few words of advice that I can give you sanb: if you find that you have developed real feelings for this man then beware that my situation is not the norm. men usually don't leave their wives/partners for the "other woman", but you should really trust your instincts on this one. Much as I loved my man, and he assured me that he would leave his wife, until he actually told her and walked out of the door i wouldn't allow myself the luxury of accepting it wholly.
also in my case we bacame more and more greedy to spend time together, and the more that happens the more likely you are to get found out because inevitably one does get complacent and careless.
Throughout the affair I had 4 really good friends that I confided in. They NEVER judged me, they counselled me, and were supportive and gave me hugs when i needed them, listened with interest and compassion when i told them the good stuff and the bad stuff. So when I did finish it I had an amazing group of people who were there for me, who never told me "i told you so", and who made it possible for me to get on with life. I never doubted that no matter how unhappy I was, I knew I'd get through it and be OK. YOU WILL SURVIVE if you do end it, but it is SO IMPORTANT to have at least 1 or 2 people you can trust and lean on.
Affairs are rarely borne from happy relationships - many things may trigger them, but i think that a lack of communication on a very basic level is of primary importance. If you want to salvage your relationship then you have to begin to communicate your feelings with your husband, one thing for sure is that you can't salvage a relationship when your head and heart is full of the man you're having the affair with.
One other thing that i found personally from my experience is that a lot of women (not my friends) were quite threatened by me, and I wondered whether the affair I had made them look at the vulnerability of their own relationships, and that i symbolised all their inherent fears about the problems that they might have been having with their own spouses? just a thought.
Anyway, sorry so long, but i sympathise with you so completely, if only our feelings were black and white then it would be so easy to get ourselves out of the emotional messes we find outselves in, but alas we are human and therefore things are never that straighforward.
Good luck to you, and do keep us informed.