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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me your thoughts...

31 replies

beafoolforever · 27/06/2023 19:21

I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have 3 children.
3 months ago a random woman messaged me asking if I was still with my partner as she had been 'dating' him for the past six months and was getting suspicious that he wasn't single. (He'd told her that we had separated). I confronted him and he admitted it. Over the next few days all the details emerged; after an argument with me he downloaded tinder and met this woman on it. They exchanged hundreds of messages and met up in person around 10 times. Both of them have said it was never physical, just kissed twice, at the very beginning. Both said they realised they were more good friends than anything else.
The woman sent me lots of the messages he had sent to her. In one of them he told her he loves her. He said to me he didn't know why he said it! Their messages were generally friendly and flirty.
So having found all this out I struggled and we had numerous rows and he left for a few days 'to think'. He then came home and we decided to try and make our relationship work.
To cut an long story short I found out that whilst away from home, he checked into a hotel and bombarded this other woman with phone calls begging her to go and meet him. This is the worst bit...he badly cut his arms and sent her the photo saying he would kill himself if she didn't be with him. (She sent me the photo and he's also admitted it and his arm tells the story).
I said we were over and told him to leave. He then claimed he was having a breakdown or something and needs help. I said I would stand by him and we would try but he HAD to go to the doctors and get help. They prescribed tablets which he refuses to take and he has missed an appointment with the doctor and will
not go.
I am so angry that he cannot even do this one thing of getting help for the sake of his family. I know I should leave him. My children want me to leave him. Sorry for the lengthy post I guess I just needed to see it written down to see how utterly shit he's been.

OP posts:

Rhass · 27/06/2023 19:39

If she is sending you photos and messages, then she wants out as well. Him cutting himself means he is more in love with her than he is telling you.

she probably found out, wants out and he can’t deal with it .

BlastedPimples · 27/06/2023 19:49

Christ what a fucking drama queen he is.

And how horribly painful for you and your dcs to discover he's an embarrassing, love sick teenager.

Please bin him. He sounds like really really hard work. I'm not surprised the ow doesn't want him.

Do not be second best. You bin him and don't listen to his bleating about breakdown.

Rhass · 27/06/2023 19:51

This ☝️

dudsville · 27/06/2023 19:54

You know it all, said it all in your post, so I'm just posting support. You're right, you need to leave.

Showdogworkingdog · 27/06/2023 19:56

He’s made his bed. What a twat and how horrible for you and the DC. Ltb.

Cucumb34 · 27/06/2023 20:35

Why aren't you leaving him and how old are your children that say you should leave? Does your husband have a drug problem?

BadHairBae · 27/06/2023 20:38

Jesus, OP.

He is absolutely not worth the stress. He's been dumped by someone else (behind your back) and somehow you're the one picking up the pieces?

Nowvoyager99 · 27/06/2023 20:41

If you need someone to give you permission to end this relationship, then I am happy to give it.

You deserve happiness, as do your DC.

PaintedEgg · 27/06/2023 21:57

so in summary: he cut himself and sent pictures to his mistress because she found out what a scumbag he is and binned his ass... wow

and this is presumably middle aged or nearly middle aged man, not a hormonal teenager...

I always give people some leeway for mental health struggles, but if they refuse treatment then its all on them, dont feel sorry for him, leave him, he knows what he did

Sittwritt · 27/06/2023 22:01

He’s got borderline personality disorder. It’s like a narcissist hence no empathy for you but the difference is they get suicidal for real. He does not love her. He’s all caught up because she is leaving him - BPD people are very afraid of abandonment. She’s abandoning him in his sick version of events. He can only get better with dialectical behaviour therapy. Listen to Phil in the Blanks podcast on Borderline. It figures.

LynetteScavo · 27/06/2023 22:58

My children want me to leave him

So why do you stay? Listen to your children, they know more about this than any randoms on the internet.

Original poster

beafoolforever · 28/06/2023 12:34

My children are 19 (not my partners but he has been in his life since he was 2 and is his dad) and 14 year old twins.
I know I should have ended it before and if this was happening to someone else I would be as bemused as you all are as to why they hadn't left yet. I guess it's not so easy when it's your own actual life. However I have now told him it's definitely over and he needs to leave and he is now hardly speaking to me. I don't want conversations with him, I just want him to go.
The house is mine so no issues there but how do you physically make someone leave when they won't???

OP posts:

HabberdasheryAddict · 28/06/2023 12:39

You change the locks.
And call the police if he causes trouble

purpleandpurple · 28/06/2023 12:44

He is not your responsibility. Your kids and you are your responsibility.

Call the police to get him out. Change the locks. Block both her and his numbers (he can reach you via email for any child related communication) and get yourself and your kids some professional help.

Original poster

beafoolforever · 28/06/2023 17:05

She has been blocked by me for a long while now. I have since found out from her ex husband that she is a trouble maker and has form for doing this kind of thing.
However this is no way excuses my partner at all. His behaviour is unforgivable and I finally have the strength and self respect to end it once and for all. Actually getting him out of the house is the tricky part. For those saying change the locks, I swear he would smash the door and windows in anger. Maybe that needs to happen I dont know. My son says let him smash the windows so the police get involved and maybe get him the help he needs. I just wish it'd end peacefully. I hate who he is.

OP posts:

OhComeOnFFS · 28/06/2023 17:10

Listen to your children.

I would lock him out for now, leaving a bag of clothes on the step. He could afford a hotel last time so he can afford it again.

I'd put in an Amazon order immediately for a Ring doorbell - that can be fitted tomorrow. Get the locks changed tonight if you can afford to or tomorrow.

Let him kick off and call the police immediately. What a horrible, horrible man.

And I knew from the get-go that he'd be living in your house rather than sharing the cost.

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2023 17:11

@Sittwritt you can't possibly diagnose him based on this post, and you obviously don't know much about BPD if you think they don't feel empathy! BPD is very, very different to NPD.

OP, I agree with others. Call the police if he is refusing to leave.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/06/2023 17:34

I agree with your son. Change the locks and call the Police if he tries to gain entry.

Sittwritt · 29/06/2023 05:42

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2023 17:11

@Sittwritt you can't possibly diagnose him based on this post, and you obviously don't know much about BPD if you think they don't feel empathy! BPD is very, very different to NPD.

OP, I agree with others. Call the police if he is refusing to leave.

Or really? So different now is it?

Trash actually. They are so alike they often get mixed up. Have experience of both, so the basics here are:

Explosive anger
Very easily slighted
Blaming you
BPD - will threaten suicide, can not take abandonment, not do much NPD, but point is both manipulative
Both controlling coercive
They are both emotional disregulation disorders and interpersonal disorders (ie they take having interpersonal interaction to fully play out)
Jealousy, envy
world is out to get them mentality

If you have experience of either you can spot it from a mile.

yellowsmileyface · 29/06/2023 08:03

@Sittwritt I'm very sorry to hear you've been affected by abusive people in the past.

However, BPD does not make people coercively controlling, manipulative, or lacking in empathy. It sounds like you met someone who was plain abusive who happened to have BPD, or perhaps they used it as an excuse. But BPD does not, in itself, make someone abusive, and it's so very harmful to perpetuate the misconceptions that people with BPD are bad people.

Apologies to OP for the sidetrack.

Tiny2018 · 29/06/2023 08:13

Of course he hasn't taken his anti-depressants because he knows he doesn't need them. He isn't depressed, he's just been caught out and has done everything in his power to keep at least one of you around, because he's a pathetic, manipulative weasel of a man.

Listen to your kids, get rid of him. Call and ask the Police to attend your home while you ask him to leave as you are scared of his reaction. You'll need this as he is clearly used to getting his own way with women and has form for throwing his toys out the pram when he doesn't.

CurlewKate · 29/06/2023 08:14

Please don't listen to armchair psychiatrists on the internet. You are not responsible for him or his behaviour. Lock him out. Call the police if he causes any sort of disturbance.

Zarataralara · 29/06/2023 09:01

beafoolforever · 28/06/2023 17:05

Your son sounds very sensible.
Pack his bags. Put on doorstep.
Get locks changed. Message him to collect his stuff, any trouble and you will call the police. He may well cause trouble as he seems to revel in attention. Ignore it, let police deal with it. Do not open door to him or let him in the house.
Your twins are old enough to choose whether they see him or not.

rainbowstardrops · 29/06/2023 09:51

You're doing the right thing for you and your children. If you think he'll become angry and aggressive, could you ring the police and ask their advice?

fantasmasgoria1 · 29/06/2023 10:20

Sittwritt · 29/06/2023 05:42

Or really? So different now is it?

Trash actually. They are so alike they often get mixed up. Have experience of both, so the basics here are:

If you have experience of either you can spot it from a mile.

Show quote history

I have bpd and you would not be able to tell. The thing about people who have a diagnosis of bpd is they are often stigmatised and the stuff around manipulation is often greatly exaggerated. Myself and the people I have known with BPD are no more manipulative than the average person. I have no need to manipulate anyone. If I want something for example I ask for it. I don't manipulate someone into giving me what I want when it is so much easier to ask. Yes there are a few overlaps but in general they are not the same in fact I feel quite insulted by your comments.

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