Please give me your thoughts...

[beafoolforever]

I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have 3 children.
3 months ago a random woman messaged me asking if I was still with my partner as she had been 'dating' him for the past six months and was getting suspicious that he wasn't single. (He'd told her that we had separated). I confronted him and he admitted it. Over the next few days all the details emerged; after an argument with me he downloaded tinder and met this woman on it. They exchanged hundreds of messages and met up in person around 10 times. Both of them have said it was never physical, just kissed twice, at the very beginning. Both said they realised they were more good friends than anything else.
The woman sent me lots of the messages he had sent to her. In one of them he told her he loves her. He said to me he didn't know why he said it! Their messages were generally friendly and flirty.
So having found all this out I struggled and we had numerous rows and he left for a few days 'to think'. He then came home and we decided to try and make our relationship work.
To cut an long story short I found out that whilst away from home, he checked into a hotel and bombarded this other woman with phone calls begging her to go and meet him. This is the worst bit...he badly cut his arms and sent her the photo saying he would kill himself if she didn't be with him. (She sent me the photo and he's also admitted it and his arm tells the story).
I said we were over and told him to leave. He then claimed he was having a breakdown or something and needs help. I said I would stand by him and we would try but he HAD to go to the doctors and get help. They prescribed tablets which he refuses to take and he has missed an appointment with the doctor and will
not go.
I am so angry that he cannot even do this one thing of getting help for the sake of his family. I know I should leave him. My children want me to leave him. Sorry for the lengthy post I guess I just needed to see it written down to see how utterly shit he's been.

Where did you qualify?

O. P. Your children are right, he needs to go asap. The fact he won't take the tablets the Dr prescribed or accept advice indicates he isn't depressed he is just in a panic because he's been caught out, and you and his ex mistress have both seen what a cheat and a liar he is. It's a good thing that the house is yours so you can send him packing and lock him out.

To clarify:

1. The 9 symptoms of BPDFear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one's movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.
2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.
3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don't have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.
4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you're upset. You may impulsively spend money you can't afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.
5. Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.
6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there's a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you're “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.
8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It's important to note that this anger isn't always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.
9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others' motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you're outside your own body.

So it may look complex PTSD or narcissism, but differs too and they tend to manipulate when they are fearing abandonment for sure.

Your son has more sense than you do

Smoke him out basically.

So don't do anything for him, no washing, cooking, shopping, admin.

Say you are over he can no longer sleep in YOUR room.

Explain that it is best for your kids to show you are no longer a couple.

Give him a reasonable date to be gone. After that stuff on doorstep locks changed.

Change wi-fi password especially if you pay for it.

Change all audio visual passwords

Basically make him an unwanted smell in the house.

Your arrangement was as a couple he was invited to live in your house. As you are no longer a couple he is no longer invited.

I am so sorry you're going through this first of all. It sounds absolutely awful and very similar to my own story. My ex-husband did the same thing to me but with lots more people (men and women).

I would highly recommend you do some research around Narcissism because what you have described sounds very much like this. I would recommend Dr Ramani. She has youtube videos, a podcast on Spotify and lots of books. Your eyes may be well and truly opened. I am basing my reply on the info you have provided.