Finding no contact so difficult

WaterBaby9 · 2023-06-27T16:50:44+00:00

I dont even know what I expect to get out of sharing this tbh but need to get it off my chest. I split up with my first boyfriend 13 years ago (we're 34 and 36 now). Didnt see him once since the split but I never got over him. I bumped into a friend of his at my new workplace 2 years ago - he obviously called my ex and the ex turned up a few hours later to say hi. Since then we've sort've got back into half a relationship. We saw eachother 3/4 times a week, slept over, went out, he helped me furnish my house and i helped him with his business. Got along much better. But he is just so held back emotionally- always was, he'd tell me he loves me but he's naturally very moody so it doesnt really translate. We wouldnt talk between seeing eachother much as he has a physical job. It started to really hurt me and i felt unfulfilled. I have cut it off maybe 8/9 times and he turns up, calls, texts. Except this time. He's just left me alone and it hurts. I walk away because i want more and i dont think it would work but i adore him, truly loved him for half my life and not speaking to him is physically painful. No contact when you love someone is so painful. But i feel like i cant just contact him myself because I feel unwanted and forgotten about and dont want to get ignored. I miss him

Sux2buthen · 27/06/2023 17:52

Vent on here and stay cold turkey. Stay strong 💪🏻
You can rant here as much as you like

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 17:52

One half of me is like 'life is short' just tell him you miss him. But i dont want to get blanked or him say he doesnt miss me. Other half is sitting on my hands to stop myself because he hasnt made any effort to make it clear he wants more like to settle down. Im so confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 17:53

Sux2buthen · 27/06/2023 17:52

Vent on here and stay cold turkey. Stay strong 💪🏻
You can rant here as much as you like

Thank you 🥺

OP posts:

StMarysTrainee · 27/06/2023 17:55

A relationship that predominantly hurts is not loving. You should feel cherished all the time. The physical job thing is just an excuse.
Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t gently and calmly love you back.
You are worth more. The hurting will fade. Stay strong.

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 17:56

When we reconcile we never talk about what either of us really feel, we just slip back into going out and staying over. Is it worth talking to go over things so its not being left negative and so much unsaid? Or its pointless?

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Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 17:56

StMarysTrainee · 27/06/2023 17:55

A relationship that predominantly hurts is not loving. You should feel cherished all the time. The physical job thing is just an excuse.
Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t gently and calmly love you back.
You are worth more. The hurting will fade. Stay strong.

You're so right. Im always filled with anxiety wondering.

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crazeekat · 27/06/2023 18:04

i had to do it too and it is so painful. i have to drive past his work everyday so he always pops in my head out of habit.
but i know we just wouldn't work so i have managed to stay away from him for over two years. total nc, still hard. we ended badly and i have so much love for him, just can't trust a thing he says or does.

i think for you yeah life is short and u are torturing yourself.
what if u wrote him one last text. say u had to get your head sorted. tell him EXACTLY how u feel and how u have felt since u got together again. tell
him what u want and ask him what he wants. if he doesn't reply or doesn't want to get back and it's to finish for good then u will be really hurt but at least u will know and ur hurting already anyways.
but......if he is like mmmm don't know, need time bla bla then don't let him treat u like he has an option. remove urself once and for all.

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 18:11

crazeekat · 27/06/2023 18:04

i had to do it too and it is so painful. i have to drive past his work everyday so he always pops in my head out of habit.
but i know we just wouldn't work so i have managed to stay away from him for over two years. total nc, still hard. we ended badly and i have so much love for him, just can't trust a thing he says or does.

i think for you yeah life is short and u are torturing yourself.
what if u wrote him one last text. say u had to get your head sorted. tell him EXACTLY how u feel and how u have felt since u got together again. tell
him what u want and ask him what he wants. if he doesn't reply or doesn't want to get back and it's to finish for good then u will be really hurt but at least u will know and ur hurting already anyways.
but......if he is like mmmm don't know, need time bla bla then don't let him treat u like he has an option. remove urself once and for all.

Ah im so glad (well not glad cos its shit) but glad someone else understands.

Im scared of sending something and looking silly but I feel like I have alot I never got to say and vice versa and i deserve to hear it. Ive been really good to him and forgiven alot. Im scared of rejection but I feel upset that we never properly tried because we've both not been transparent but part of me thinks it wouldnt work due to his habits and personality. But id be willing to try. Love em till you end up hating em kinda thing 💔

OP posts:

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 18:13

crazeekat · 27/06/2023 18:04

i had to do it too and it is so painful. i have to drive past his work everyday so he always pops in my head out of habit.
but i know we just wouldn't work so i have managed to stay away from him for over two years. total nc, still hard. we ended badly and i have so much love for him, just can't trust a thing he says or does.

i think for you yeah life is short and u are torturing yourself.
what if u wrote him one last text. say u had to get your head sorted. tell him EXACTLY how u feel and how u have felt since u got together again. tell
him what u want and ask him what he wants. if he doesn't reply or doesn't want to get back and it's to finish for good then u will be really hurt but at least u will know and ur hurting already anyways.
but......if he is like mmmm don't know, need time bla bla then don't let him treat u like he has an option. remove urself once and for all.

Also, Im a super sensitive cry baby and if i didnt get the 'yes i love you too, lets try' i think ill jump off my balcony 😭 when we're no contact at least i can imagine he's hurting and wants me. Delusion i guess

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Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 18:17

Im literally holding my breath till my birthday in 2 weeks wondering if he'll remember ( he's a forgetful weed smoker and forgot his own birthday). If he does ill misread it as basically a proposal, if he doesnt i worry that i'll be devestated even more ☹️

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crazeekat · 27/06/2023 18:28

oh man it's really horrible. i was checking my phone constantly, even thru the night, not sleeping.
i do get it tho, the fear of rejection again, like who would willingly put themselves thru it lol but i honestly think with so much stuff left unsaid then u will feel better no matter what the outcome.
it's possible he is getting stoned at night to try and forget u and he is doing a good job of it so he's not been in touch.
it's also possible he's just like fk it too much hard work and not caring. i don't want to get ur hopes up but the feeling of not saying what u need to and unfinished business etc, is consuming u and a small txt will help u move on from this either way. i really wish u the best. but remember and think of yourself.

monsteramunch · 27/06/2023 18:29

He's a "naturally moody", "forgetful weed smoker and forgot his own birthday".

Mate, please don't waste any more time on this guy.

Ive been really good to him and forgiven alot. Im scared of rejection but I feel upset that we never properly tried because we've both not been transparent but part of me thinks it wouldnt work due to his habits and personality. But id be willing to try. Love em till you end up hating em kinda thing

I think some counselling could be life changing for you OP.

To think that you've wasted so long on this man and that you are willing to essentially stay with him until it gets so bad you hate him... that isn't what love looks like, I promise.

With a healthy, suitable partner it's not this hard. You have fun, you feel relaxed and secure, you don't have underlying anxiety about them, you can be completely emotionally open and they can be the same.

You don't have to live like you're living now. You don't have to keep leaning into the 'love hurts' kind of romanticising of toxic relationships. You can be happy and healthy while single and only be with people who contribute to your happiness and health.

Not moody pot smokers you've had to forgive for loads of stuff already.

It's not supposed to be this hard. Nowhere near!

mayorofcasterbridge · 27/06/2023 18:33

This guy is a waste of space. He will never, ever make you happy.

Please speak to a professional and move on.

catsnhats11 · 27/06/2023 18:37

It shouldn't be such hard work, especially this early on, you're not right for each other.

Also, you ending it 8 or 9 times but expecting him to keep coming back is playing games tbh, even if you don't intend it to be.

It's so hard to go no contact, but I think it's best for you to move on and that's the only way to do it when feeling are still involved.

Whataretheodds · 27/06/2023 18:40

You guys have broken up 8 or 9 times.

Be honest, how much effort have you put into falling in love with your own life?

Make a list all the things you miss. Mark which ones are specific to him and which are just about having a boyfriend/sexual partner.

Make a list of all the things you don't miss and of all the things you can do without him.

Also, do some reading on how to communicate. You don't want to repeat having 8-9 breakups and make ups where you don't actually discuss the thing that drove you apart.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/06/2023 18:42

It sounds like a confusing but ultimately toxic relationship. Healthy relationships don't make you feel that way. Stay away and put your own mental health first. You know now the sorts of things you like doing with a partner but I'd suggest therapy will help you identify why you feel pulled to your 'first' and struggle to move on. He must remind you of something easier or better that has now gone. Move on, you've got a great life there in front of you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/06/2023 18:44

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 17:56

When we reconcile we never talk about what either of us really feel, we just slip back into going out and staying over. Is it worth talking to go over things so its not being left negative and so much unsaid? Or its pointless?

If you both want to be with each other and you're both willing to put in effort to make it work, then relationship counseling should be insisted upon, so you can make sure your needs will be understood and met x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/06/2023 18:45

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 18:17

Im literally holding my breath till my birthday in 2 weeks wondering if he'll remember ( he's a forgetful weed smoker and forgot his own birthday). If he does ill misread it as basically a proposal, if he doesnt i worry that i'll be devestated even more ☹️

Oh gosh. Please don't hold your breath waiting for scraps and crumbs from him. Make a lovely plan for your birthday with friends or family now xxxx

honeyandfizz · 27/06/2023 18:52

I am in a very similar position where I have been back and forth many times over the past year with my H. Ultimately I do not trust him and he is never wrong. I love him but I know deep down it will never work but I still go back again and again because after a few weeks it hurts too much then we split again. It is a never ending fucked up cycle and this time I am determined that we are done once and for all. OP if you cannot sort out the reason why you keep splitting up then he is not the one for you. he is an emotionally unavailable weed smoker I mean he doesn't sound like catch of the year does he? Yes it hurts, I get it I really do BUT know you are worth much more and will be free of this back and forth. Stay strong!

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 19:11

honeyandfizz · 27/06/2023 18:52

I am in a very similar position where I have been back and forth many times over the past year with my H. Ultimately I do not trust him and he is never wrong. I love him but I know deep down it will never work but I still go back again and again because after a few weeks it hurts too much then we split again. It is a never ending fucked up cycle and this time I am determined that we are done once and for all. OP if you cannot sort out the reason why you keep splitting up then he is not the one for you. he is an emotionally unavailable weed smoker I mean he doesn't sound like catch of the year does he? Yes it hurts, I get it I really do BUT know you are worth much more and will be free of this back and forth. Stay strong!

How long have you managed to stay no contact? Or do you have contact? I know mine doesnt sound great but i love the dopey idiot and he does have a lovely side too 🥺

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honeyandfizz · 27/06/2023 19:14

It has been 3 weeks now and is getting easier. I know if I go back (and he would have me back without doubt) that we will be back to square one again next week and it is screwing up my mental health going back and forth. We cannot resolve our issues, time has taught me that and so this is it no more. I love mine too, veery much, but sometimes love is not enough I am afraid.

pictoosh · 27/06/2023 19:18

Sounds like you're mooning about over an absolute arsehole frankly.
Up to you like, but it doesn't seem like a good use of your time to me.

Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 19:22

honeyandfizz · 27/06/2023 19:14

It has been 3 weeks now and is getting easier. I know if I go back (and he would have me back without doubt) that we will be back to square one again next week and it is screwing up my mental health going back and forth. We cannot resolve our issues, time has taught me that and so this is it no more. I love mine too, veery much, but sometimes love is not enough I am afraid.

Its so hard when you leave while you still love them. I just cant hate the dopey idiot because i know how much he does love me, he just shows it by giving me things and helping me whereas i dont need that i want reassurance. But yea if i reach out now, he might come back but in a week, same shit, its happened enough times for me to know. Doesnt stop me loving or wanting him though. Worst feeling. Well done for 3 weeks, im at 10 days..

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Original poster

WaterBaby9 · 27/06/2023 19:27

I think aswell
The dynamic of splitting up so long ago, trying to move on and both never moved on from eachother really gets in my head. I kind of disappeared from the area and changed my number and the second he knew where i was, he came. We both never really loved anyone else in 13 years. It feels like it should work and its a shame not to try properly. But i dont want to be the one to ask. Ive always acted nonchalant (clearly neurotic about it inside) and so does he. Each reconcilliation we let a little feeling out bur i just want one of us (him) to say fuck it lets try, no holds barred and be open but he wont

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honeyandfizz · 27/06/2023 19:43

I don't think relationships should be as hard as mine was and sounds like yours is similar. We want something they can't give us and we know that deep down but because we love them we try again and again but the reality is something has to change. Either you both throw everything at it one last time or you walk away now. We tried counselling but it didn't help really help and so I am done. I wish you luck because I know how hard it is.