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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold needed :(

40 replies

Soconfusedandbroken · 27/06/2023 00:36

Dh and I have been fighting alot recently. He’s said some truly awful things to me. Has history of narcissistic behaviour.
We’ve been fighting more I think due to me trying to stand up for myself. I’ve even told him that his behaviour makes me want to leave him.
the last few days have hit an all time low. I’ve been truly heart broken by some of the comments he’s made. Next minute he’s telling me he loves me so much and I’m his everything. Then 2 mins later he’s saying I’m shit!

tonight he has deflected it all back at me. He’s told me can’t forgive me for what I’ve done. I’ve absolutely no idea what I’ve done and he won’t tell me!!!!!!!! He’s saying he needs time to ‘think’ and that I need to leave him alone to do so!!

I’ve been distraught. I seriously don’t know what I’ve supposedly done!! I got really upset and was crying and stupidly showed him my emotions. I was a wreck. Felt so so held by him emotionally. I shouted that I hated him!

he’s now gone mad and said he won’t tolerate that and to leave him alone etc.
he’s in bed staring at the ceiling while I’m on the sofa with a blanket. Still don’t know what’s caused this and still feeling confused and bereft.

im so scared he’s going to leave me now. In fact I just feel scared. I feel like I’m going mad. I don’t know if I’m coming or going!! Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am mentally ill 😢

OP posts:
honeyy123 · 27/06/2023 00:56

It sounds like reverse psychology where he's trying to get you to admit to something while he pretends he already knows about it and then you grass yourself up and then he's caught you out but if you truly don't know what he's going on about and haven't done anything wrong then I wouldn't worry about it he sounds pathetic and abit psycho or maybe he's pulling away in hopes you go running back to him and your knees begging for him either way he's playing mind games and emotionally manipulating you I wouldn't fall for it by the sounds of it this is how he wants to make you feel and he's got you right where he wants you fuck him xoxo

Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 01:03

stupidly showed him my emotions.
this is very jarring to read. He’s supposed to be your partner. If you can’t show your emotions then he’s not your partner
if he uses your emotions against you this is a toxic relationship.
he sounds awful.

he has a history of narcissistic behaviour and has you feeling like you’re going mad now. Fair to say he’s probably being manipulative and unpleasant.

you probably need to realise how toxic it all is so you’re less scared about the possibility of him leaving

bluebell34567 · 27/06/2023 01:14

him leaving you would be the best for you.
he is a disaster.

bluebell34567 · 27/06/2023 01:15

and dont let him back in.

coffy11 · 27/06/2023 01:51

This is abuse. He's broken you and taken all your self esteem away, this is his plan. He's never going to leave you, you need to leave him though.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2023 02:32

The best thing that will ever happen to you is your marriage ending. You wrote this post because you know you need to leave him. Don't waste another day.

Kikicoconut · 27/06/2023 02:35

Re-read your post and imagine it was your best friend, daughter, sister, writing it. What would you tell them to do? It’s time to leave I think. Outrageous behavior by him. Not acceptable.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 27/06/2023 03:22

He’s full of pathetic shit. If you were as awful as he’s saying you are, he’d leave. But he hasn’t, has he? 🙄

Why not? Because he needs you FAR more than you need him. You have the power in this relationship, so start taking back some control.

You call the shots. Get him to move out and give you some space, if you’re so awful. I 100% guarantee he won’t. Force him to show his pathetic, weak hand.

And when he refuses to leave - surprise him, and tell him it’s over anyway - he has to get out, because you don’t want anything to do with him.

Missingmyusername · 27/06/2023 03:27

He won’t leave you, don’t worry, he’s enjoying himself too much.

Buildingthefuture · 27/06/2023 06:15

I would bet my house that you haven’t actually done anything. It sounds very much like he is gas lighting and manipulating you. If you said to him this morning, calmly and with certainty, that you’ve thought about it and you agree the marriage is dead and you want him to leave, he would shit himself and try to back track. Time to bring out the big guns op. This man is not treating you well. Do not accept it, tell the sad fucker to get out. It will be difficult but you CAN have a life free from insults, anger and abuse. Be brave, you can do this xxx

Susieb2023 · 27/06/2023 06:30

This is abusive behaviour. If you have children they are witnessing his gas lighting and mental/emotional abuse.

You know this is toxic right? Call his bluff and tell him to go, then rebuild yourself slowly but surely.

SnapPop · 27/06/2023 06:33

This isn't what a healthy happy relationship feels like OP. I know it's scary right now, but this relationship needs to end to give you the chance to meet someone you can be happy with. Be strong OP.

kshaw · 27/06/2023 06:35

Are you married to my ex?? Definitely narcissistic traits there. Honestly, leave. The relief for not walking on eggshells is unbelievable. Get some thick skin though, he won't like you taking control, the gaslighting will ramp up and it will be all turned on you and all be your own fault the marriage has broken down. You know it's not, and living like this is not normal.

LadyJ2023 · 27/06/2023 06:49

Your scared he is gona leave you erm why aren't you packing his bags, this is abuse in the emotional verbal mind game playing sense. Cmon grow some and do something about this awful situation he sure doesn't love you so why stay

Original poster
Soconfusedandbroken · 27/06/2023 08:20

It’s continued this morning. I’ve said I’m sorry for screaming I hated him. He said he needs time to think about what he wants to do!!

it doesn’t matter that in the last week he’s told me I’m mentally ill, a schizophrenic, that everyone around me thinks the same. He tells me I’m the cause of every row in our house, and he puts up with so much with me.

I feel so low and no way out. I’ve spent years trying to defend myself that I’ve got nothing left in the tank.

I feel so scared

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 27/06/2023 08:21

Do you not wonder why he hasn’t just upped and left, if you’re so awful? Have you asked him?

Are you scared of him?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 27/06/2023 08:24

I’ve said I’m sorry for screaming I hated him

I mean, I’m sorry, but…

When you say stuff like this, he just loses respect for you, and makes him know he has you right where he wants you. Because he does.

I don’t know how to get that message across to you.

You’re crawling to him. You think that’s going to make him think more of you? You think that’s going to make home fall in love with you?

It’s definitely not.

ThunderStormPlease · 27/06/2023 08:26

Change the locks while he's out.

Phone womens aid, please. This is abuse, he's wound you up on purpose to make you the bad guy for snapping back.

rainbowstardrops · 27/06/2023 09:15

I'd be wondering what he's done/is doing and batting it back to you to be honest

bluebell34567 · 27/06/2023 11:53

as pp said definitely contact women's aid.
they are experienced on this stuff and will help you come out to the other side.
he will make you ill and destroy you if you continue like that.

Original poster
Soconfusedandbroken · 27/06/2023 13:03

Today he’s text me saying he ‘is all over the place’ and can’t get over how I behaved last night 😞
that he’s sad and just can’t get past it!!!!!!

he’s never ever said these things before. Not until I’ve said I can’t live like this anymore. And that we are at the end of the road and I can’t see how we can work anymore!

now he’s turned it all round on me. He’s now the victim.

Im so confused

OP posts:
Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 13:39

Crazy isn’t it that once you’d had enough it’s become your fault and you’re apologising. Everything’s your fault, in your whole relationship
and he and everyone in your life are conspiring against you and talking about you.
funny how that just happened at the moment youd had enough and we’re finally sure of your own thoughts.
now you’re not sure anymore are you.
which is very convenient for him coincidentally.

he’s not going to really leave,
he’s just punishing you for daring to show your own opinion and force for a minute.

if he punishes you enough you won’t do it again in a hurry.

Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 13:41

Soconfusedandbroken · 27/06/2023 13:03

Today he’s text me saying he ‘is all over the place’ and can’t get over how I behaved last night 😞
that he’s sad and just can’t get past it!!!!!!

he’s never ever said these things before. Not until I’ve said I can’t live like this anymore. And that we are at the end of the road and I can’t see how we can work anymore!

now he’s turned it all round on me. He’s now the victim.

Im so confused

You’re confused because it doesn’t make sense. Because he’s abusing you.
If you doubt yourself, then you can’t make a decision to leave or stand up for yourself.

Speak to womens aid, just get some advice and someone to talk to that is neutral. You don’t have to do anything yet if you don’t want to, but at least look into it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/06/2023 13:41

I would bet my house that you haven’t actually done anything. It sounds very much like he is gas lighting and manipulating you

This.

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/06/2023 13:42

now he’s turned it all round on me. He’s now the victim.

That's why it's called darvo.