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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do?

38 replies

newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 14:55

I'm 6 months into a new relationship and it started out great but now I'm in a bit of a fix.

It's long distance and I visit him more than he visits me - because he says he doesn't like my town and it's easier for me to visit him. I'm not earning at the moment - and not claiming benefits because I have a small amount of savings, which I am living on until I get work - and he has been suggesting for a while that I move to his town and move in with him at some point in the future. In the meantime, he also suggested that I rent out my flat on airbnb occasionally to earn some extra money while I'm at his place. So I did.

Now I have airbnb guests arriving next weekend and am supposed to go and stay with him but I feel uncomfortable doing this because of a "joke" he made to his friend . He said "Newgirl will be staying with me all next week. Rent free."

I think it was meant to be a joke but I feel uncomfortable about it. He pays for a lot of things and I try to pay my way as much as possible but I can't keep up with him as he earns a lot more than I have coming in.

So these airbnb guests arrive at the weekend and I have nowhere else to go but don't want to cancel on them at short notice as they are coming from overseas. I think family would help me but I'm reluctant to ask them. One family member has no room, another has not been too keen to help me in the past.Eg during the lockdowns I became very depressed and had to rent somewhere in my family's town as I couldn't stay with her. Another family member offered to put me up but there was no where at her house for me to work at the time, as I was employed then. that is not the case now and I think they might help me.

Me and my boyfriend have also argued about sex. He is 60 and wants it every day and I feel like that is the only reason he wants to be with me. He doesn't tell me he loves me, only says he "likes" me and won't hold my hand in public. But somtimes I am not even sure if he likes me. He doesn't have much to say to me when we are together and never, ever pays me compliments. He is very blokey and a man's man. Maybe this is the reason. He kept me a secret from his family until recently. I am single and not in any dodgy situation and don't know why I was kept secret. His son knows about me but has no interest in meeting me.

I think my bf thinks I'm needy and I do feel very insecure. i would appreciate advice please. Otherwise he does a lot for me, drives me around everywhere and has been great and has helped me with some health issues Im having currently. I feel he's cooling towards me though. When I am earning again I will repay him and fully pay my way. He knows this. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 14:56

Aren't you just a booty call op?

Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 14:57

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 14:56

Aren't you just a booty call op?

That's what I'm thinking.

OP posts:
filka · 26/06/2023 15:20

Not liking your town is just an excuse for not really being bothered about you. He's letting you do all the running. Do it - run from this one, he is using you.

Meantime, I'd really ask your relatives for help and not go to your BF - say your plans fell through and because of AirBNB you can't just stay at home. All you need is a sofa for a couple of days.

JulieHoney · 26/06/2023 15:24

How old are you, OP? Your post sounds very insecure, is there a big age gap? Power differential?

After this weekend, cancel future reservations and move back to your place. He is disrespectful of you and is using you for sex.

yellowsmileyface · 26/06/2023 15:27

I'd also be reluctant to cancel on the guests, as it'd be unfair to them. With that in mind, you have to decide which is the more uncomfortable situation, staying with BF or asking family for help?

I think you'd be better off asking family for help, and ditching the boyfriend.

Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 16:14

he has taken me on holiday with him and paid for the holiday though - although I paid for a couple of meals and hotel nights - and now I am worried he will say I've used him.

I think he used to be really into me but recently I've felt more insecure. He's done so much for me though and has spent hours on the phone talking with me. When I was going through a difficult time at my former company he said "You don't have to go through this alone, I'm here to help you."

He has even told me he loved me - few months ago. Now he only says he likes me. Sometimes I feel ignored. I just think he has got to know the real me - someone who is a bit anxious and lacks confidence - and has lost interest.

There are only 2 years between us juliehoney.

Unfortunately the airbnb guests will be here just over a week so it's more than a few days that I need a sofa for. I will talk to family and friends. Otherwise I thought about offering to pay him rent for the week I'm at his, given his "staying here rent free" remark. I've got a load of my stuff at his too. I don't think he has any idea I feel this way.

OP posts:
mycatsanutter · 26/06/2023 16:23

It's quite simple , he doesn't make you feel great or loved so don't waste any more time . You are right in not letting the guests down and looking for somewhere else to stay , make sure you get your stuff back before ending it . Then just block him no further contact will be needed and it won't do you any good .

DatingDinosaur · 26/06/2023 17:30

You don’t sound very happy OP. Maybe he’s not the right guy for you.

The distance. Your worry about earnings. His pathetic reason unwillingness to travel to you/stay in your town. Your reluctance to stay with him. Him suggesting you moving to his area so soon into the relationship. Your mismatched sex drives. Your inability to ask him what he meant by his comment.

Don’t offer to pay rent or anything if you do go and stay with him but do offer to buy meals or give him petrol money or whatever.

Personally, I wouldn’t go and stay with him and I’d tell him why - that you appreciate his offer but his "joke" has landed a bit off the mark and you'd feel more comfortable staying elsewhere (his comment is obviously playing on your mind whether it was a joke or not). How he handles that will be very telling.

Definitely don't cancel on the AirBnB people. They might give you a bad review! Seriously though, your life still goes on after this and if this is one way of you making a little extra money to help you get by then don't cancel it because of a man!

Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 17:37

Thanks @DatingDinosaur - the airbnb thing was his idea. I won't cancel on the guests but I may take my ad down after the last one has left. Maybe I will just let a spare room out instead.

I haven't asked him about his comment yet as I had a delayed reaction to it. It was on my mind and I told a RL friend and she said it was a definite red flag. That and the relentless sex.

So far I've told one family member (who genuinely doesn't have room to put me up, she lives in a tiny flat) and my RL friend didn't offer and I wouldn't ask as she's ill. I will keep trying though.

OP posts:
Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 17:52

I don't mean - keep trying with the ill friend or sister in a tiny flat! I mean I will keep asking around.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 26/06/2023 18:04

Something's not sitting right with me about that (it was his idea for the airbnb). That, coupled with his "joke" about you staying at his rent free... no, something doesn't sit right.

It's like he is trying to subtly manipulate you into doing what he wants. Or doing something so he ultimately gets what he wants.

How does he handle "no"?

ProudThrilledHappy · 26/06/2023 18:08

He’s suggested you let your home out when you visit him and now making jokes that you will stay “rent free”?

sounds like he’s trying to treat your home like a shared business to get some cash out of you to be honest. 🚩

Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 18:16

So far, I have nowhere else to go, so I may well have to go and stay with him. I will pay him a week's rent though., to make a point.

OP posts:
TheIsleOfTheLost · 26/06/2023 18:31

I'm guessing that he doesn't take into account that you are paying for the travel each time too? If you can possibly avoid staying with him then please do. Would the air bnb money cover you staying in a youth hostel or similar? Then you could see somewhere else cheaply and not have to be hating him and pressured into sex for a week.

barlie · 26/06/2023 18:42

Really.. please don't pay him a weeks rent. It makes no point to a man like that other than suggests to him that you are a mug. You are not one of course, but in trying to make a point here won't really make a good one to him. You are there as his 'girlfriend' at present so no money should be changing hands. But as others have said, he is probably using you and that seems to be your reading of the situation too. In that case definitely don't stay with him and definitely don't give him money. I realise you are worried about money but if you can't stay at your family's then maybe could you use the cash income and stay somewhere cheaper than the Airbnb income - a static caravan or other smaller Airbnb perhaps if you can find one. I really wouldn't stay at his.

SteelMack · 26/06/2023 18:57

Dump him. Sounds controlling and weird.
Use the cash from renting your place out to rent somewhere cheap to get you over this hump

DatingDinosaur · 26/06/2023 19:02

Will the income you're getting from your airbnb customers cover the week's rent you're thinking of paying him, plus the cost of your travel to and from his and anything else you pay for? Will you actually make a profit after all this? As the poster said above, you'd be at his as his girlfriend and it's not your problem if he won't stay at yours to balance things out like normal couples do who live apart,

It's reading more and more like he's getting an income from you getting an income from his suggestion Confused

Samsonsmum · 26/06/2023 19:24

If you are getting money from Airbnb could you not stay in a cheap bed and breakfast

Phelm · 26/06/2023 19:30

If you are 58, OP, you are too old for this kind of shit.

Relationships are supposed to be fun and bring something good to your life. I'm also in my 50s and the great thing is that there's no pressure to either become pregnant or not become pregnant; no worries about children, mortgages, school fees, blah-di-blah. It shouldn't be making you feel stressed and anxious.

I'd use the Air Bnb money to stay somewhere else while your guests are there, and not advertise any further. I wouldn't bother with this man any more. It's all too much navel-gazing. Throw him back and either enjoy being single, or try to find someone who's better for you.

Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 20:11

Thanks everyone for your advice and insights. I just spoke to 2 RL friends who both think that he was great at first and went out of his way to see me and be with me. His best friend told me he had never seen him happier. But maybe his feelings have changed.

One of my RL friends says I can stay with her for the week. Both told me not to do anything rash but to sleep on it and maybe pull back from him and see what happens.

He has just texted me about a TV programme he thinks I'd be interested in after I didn't get back to him earlier today. He has no idea how I feel an thinks everything is OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 20:13

Phelm - yes I am 58 and was happily single before I met him.

OP posts:
Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 21:09

Imo those who make jokes about money really mean the joke and are just dressing up the resentments they feel as humour
.

Original poster
newgirlinpain · 26/06/2023 21:18

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 21:09

Imo those who make jokes about money really mean the joke and are just dressing up the resentments they feel as humour
.

I think you are probably right. He will deny it of course.

OP posts:
Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 21:21

Since you were going to give him a weeks rent why not book a mini break or caravan holiday with the cash instead? Or ask a friend to go halves...

Phelm · 26/06/2023 21:32

That's great that you've got good friends, @newgirlinpain. Their advice is good - you don't need to do anything in a rush, but take some time to work out what this relationship is giving you. If it's not giving you what you need, or enough of what you need, then you know you can be happy single. Don't waste yourself on someone who's playing silly games or who doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

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