What would you do?

[newgirlinpain]

I'm 6 months into a new relationship and it started out great but now I'm in a bit of a fix.

It's long distance and I visit him more than he visits me - because he says he doesn't like my town and it's easier for me to visit him. I'm not earning at the moment - and not claiming benefits because I have a small amount of savings, which I am living on until I get work - and he has been suggesting for a while that I move to his town and move in with him at some point in the future. In the meantime, he also suggested that I rent out my flat on airbnb occasionally to earn some extra money while I'm at his place. So I did.

Now I have airbnb guests arriving next weekend and am supposed to go and stay with him but I feel uncomfortable doing this because of a "joke" he made to his friend . He said "Newgirl will be staying with me all next week. Rent free."

I think it was meant to be a joke but I feel uncomfortable about it. He pays for a lot of things and I try to pay my way as much as possible but I can't keep up with him as he earns a lot more than I have coming in.

So these airbnb guests arrive at the weekend and I have nowhere else to go but don't want to cancel on them at short notice as they are coming from overseas. I think family would help me but I'm reluctant to ask them. One family member has no room, another has not been too keen to help me in the past.Eg during the lockdowns I became very depressed and had to rent somewhere in my family's town as I couldn't stay with her. Another family member offered to put me up but there was no where at her house for me to work at the time, as I was employed then. that is not the case now and I think they might help me.

Me and my boyfriend have also argued about sex. He is 60 and wants it every day and I feel like that is the only reason he wants to be with me. He doesn't tell me he loves me, only says he "likes" me and won't hold my hand in public. But somtimes I am not even sure if he likes me. He doesn't have much to say to me when we are together and never, ever pays me compliments. He is very blokey and a man's man. Maybe this is the reason. He kept me a secret from his family until recently. I am single and not in any dodgy situation and don't know why I was kept secret. His son knows about me but has no interest in meeting me.

I think my bf thinks I'm needy and I do feel very insecure. i would appreciate advice please. Otherwise he does a lot for me, drives me around everywhere and has been great and has helped me with some health issues Im having currently. I feel he's cooling towards me though. When I am earning again I will repay him and fully pay my way. He knows this. Thanks for reading.

Just want to get my thoughts down here and out of my head so apologies for long post.

He called me last night and I ended up spilling my guts, which I had not planned to do, but hey ho. At least it's out there now.

He was shocked that I had taken the "rent free" comment to heart and said I was being ridiculous, that he had just been having a laugh with the lodger, because the lodger pays rent but I don't have to. He said money was not an issue and I need never worry about it as he sees himself as a provider. He provides for the people he cares about.

I told him he didn't need to drive to my town to pick me up and do some pre-airbnb repairs for me as I would sort it out myself. And that I thought I would go to my friend's place for the week to alleviate the financial pressure on him. Hence the speech about being a provider and I don't need to worry about paying anything at all. He said he was "not expecting this at all" from me and thought everything was OK as I did not say anything to him about it before i left to travel back to my town. He thinks I am being unfair.

He was upset that I had spoken to RL friends about my feelings before speaking to him. Predictably he said he was not using me for sex, would never use anyone for sex, and that he does love me. I said that not a lot of love was getting trhough to me. He said he thought it was normal to want sex every day (and even twice or more) at his age - 60. I said I didn't think it was normal and it made me feel a bit used. (and sore)

I said I was sad and couldn't get my emotional needs met - for non-sexual affection and normal stuff like praising me and paying me compliments instead of criticising me. He said he does pay me compliments. Wait for it..... when I said "I look fat" he said "don't be silly". That's a compliment apparently. And he complimented me by thanking me for taking him out to a nice restaurant on his birthday. That's a compliment too. I just thought it was basic manners, but hey ho.

He said he doesn't "do" handholding or valentine's cards or romance etc but he shows love in the things he does for people and taking care of them in practical ways.

He said that if I wanted to go to my friend's instead of his for the week, when the airbnb people are here, he "couldn't see a way forward for us". My RL pal who offered me her place to stay thinks I should maybe go to be with him and give it another chance before throwing the towel in, as he has been so good to me in the past. So now I am confused. I am leaning towards thinking that giving the relationship another chance is just delaying the inevitable.

I asked him how he saw things panning out for us long term and he said he was hoping that once my health issues were sorted out that I would rent my flat out, move in with him and that the income from renting out my flat would mean I wouldn't have to work at all.

He said that my emotional outbursts happen about once a month (not PMT as I've been thro menopause), usually when I am stressed. He says because I have work problems, health issues and worries, and I'm stressed about the airbnb thing as it's the first time I'm doing it.

End of thought-spilling. If you made it this far thanks for reading.

Oh and he said that if my mind was made up then he wasn't going to chase me.

Having read your update today, oh dear. He used the 'ridiculous' word, didn't he? And he's mentioned your 'emotional outbursts' as well. And who on earth makes so-called jokes to someone else about your partner staying rent-free when you're staying over at theirs? Seems to me as though that was a joke at your expense and he was insinuating that you were paying for your keep in other ways.

Time to knock it on the head then. Will you be able to get your stuff back from his place?

To be fair, the words "emotional outburst" were mine. He said something like "this happens about once a month"...... He did say I was being ridiculous though. And the "rent free" comment did feel like a joke at my expense.

The way to make a point to your partner is to tell them.

If you have to do anything else, you're with the wrong person.

End the relationship, collect your stuff, and use the Airbnb money to pay for a Travelodge for a few nights, if you can't stay with friends/family.

Done.

Fucking hell, he's gaslighting you. Tell him to get in the sea.

He was shocked that I had taken the "rent free" comment to heart and said I was being ridiculous

Now he'll be shocked that being called ridiculous is hurtful to you.

Then he'll be shocked at how you communicate when you're hurt.

He doesn't want you to have feelings at all, unless it's 'wanting him' feelings.

People have emotional outbursts when they've tried having normal emotional responses and it hasn't got them what they've wanted. They feel it, then (if they're emotionally wise), they say it. If that doesn't work, they shout it. If that doesn't work, they scream it. If that doesn't work, they throw a pan out of a closed window, destroy some things that are precious, and spend the night walking the streets, seething. Or something. That can happen to anybody, but the wisest say it, and if that doesn't work, they walk away. It doesn't get to outburst stage, because the one person who respects them is themselves, and they won't be around people who don't listen when they say how they're feeling.

That rent-free comment is pretty horrible. Basically what he was insinuating was that you were shagging him in return. Yuk. If he genuinely cannot see why you were offended by it, and bloody hell I would have been offended too, then he's not the man for you.

In any case, the reason you have disagreements around once a month is probably because you blow up, he spends the next fortnight making an effort to not be an arse, a week where the mask starts to slip, and a week being an arse, by the end of which you've had enough and off it all goes again.

OP it's the sex part that would put me off. I would feel used. Everything you have said points to what he does for you, but he expects sex sometimes twice a say ?? This alone would be the dealbreaker for me. It is as if he expects something in return...........

He sounds vile. And this is only six months in. Can you imagine how he's treat you if you moved in? Dump. You owe him nothing. If he wants to bleat on that you "used" him, so what? You know the truth.

I really don’t like the way he seems to be planning your life for you. It would be a massive red flag for me if a guy I was dating for such a short length of time presumed I would be selling up and moving in with him and wouldn’t need to work because he’d be taking care of me. No! Urgh, smothering, much? Don’t you get a say in all this? You’d end up heavily reliant on him and lose all your independence – in effect, you’d be a “kept woman”. And I’d put money on him using that as a weapon against you once you’re trapped, at his, with no income of your own.

That ultimatum of “if you stay at your friends there’s no way forward” is really iffy too. That’s him warning you that if you don’t do what he wants, its over.

He still sounds emotionally coercive/manipulative and extremely presumptuous. Then he turns it round on you being “hormonal” when you call him out on it. He hasn’t heard what you’re actually saying yet he’s invented his own justification and deflected the “blame” off him for why you’re saying it?

Eyes wide open OP.

He seems like a complete bell end OP, surely you must see that. The fact that he won't come to visit you all by itself is enough of a reason to split up with him.

He probably does enjoy being "the provider", but it's all for his benefit, it keeps you reliant on him and it makes him look good. He'll continue to lord it over you in front of other people.

Dump him now. Hopefully you can stay with your friend, but if not then surely a week in a Travelodge will be cost less that the Airbnb money you've got coming in.

Yes to the PP who said it - it seems to be his way or the highway.

I am not feeling so upset now, I'm feeling angry.

OK. So he says he doesn't "do" handholding, moonlight and roses, Valentine's day or birthday cards, etc.

Fine. That's his prerogative. By the same token I have decided that I no longer "do" sex.

Fair and square. Even Stevens.