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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ADVICE PLEASE

40 replies

Mommycool24 · 25/06/2023 22:32

I need advice. For reference I’ve a partner of 8 years, 3 kids. His friend calls round every night. Today (during the day) his friend called and he was outside with him for roughly an hour and a half, having a smoke and chatting. Bedtime routine came. (We have 3 kids) he proceeded to run the kids a bath then another one of his friends called to the door in the middle of it and he stopped running it and he disappeared without even saying to me he was away & walked down to his friends house and sat for an hour & drank beer with him. I was running round trying to sort everyone’s supper, getting their pyjamas on, bottles fed etc, I was very stressed as 2/3 of them where playing up on me and being naughty. I even forgot about the bath as it was meant to be his job tonight so it completely left my mind. I text his friend as OH has no phone atm and asked if he was with him and could he tell him I’m looking him. He replied yes and said my OH said he was leaving now. 20 more minutes pass and he still didn’t arrive (me and his friend live about 40 seconds away from each other) and then his other friend that was here earlier on today then knocked on my door. I told him where was and asked his friend would he ask him to come up home. Another 10 minutes later and he finally arrives home. (Every ones fed & in bed at this point) I said to him he could of atleast let me know he was away somewhere, that I didn’t appreciate him just leaving me in the middle of everything as it was quite stressful and that I feel like the piss is sort of being took out of me. He asked me was I serious. I’m on benefits, the past while I can’t seem to hold on to money as I’ve been buying him beer almost every evening the past month and ive even been paying for some of his weed. (He says he’ll pay me back but I don’t hold my breath, also I’m not a drinker or a weed smoker) he’s got into a routine where I’m buying him that, then he’s sitting outside in the evenings drinking & smoking with his friend - they always call just before kids bedtime routine & then I don’t see him untill around 10pm every night. I’ve already brought this up to Him about waiting untill after but no change made. So anyway, he asks me am I serious and I said yes I am, I just seem to be a bank at the minute who pays for weed & beer for you to sit outside with your mates all night. He started screaming at me, punched the kitchen cupboard & kicked the bin, went outside, got his weed and threw it at me and all over the table I was sitting at, told me to “shove it up my arse” then pushed the table I was sitting at and pushed it clean into my chest as hard he could and called me a tramp and told me to go fuck myself then walked outside again. To go sit outside with his mate again. I’m so upset.

OP posts:
Mumz1 · 25/06/2023 22:43

He sounds like trouble. From what you say, it seems like he’s not supportive but taking the resources that are meant to be for necessities for the kids and spending them on beer and weed instead. However, it’s worrying that he’s displaying violent behaviour. Has he done this sort of thing before throughout the 8 years?

Do you have any family or support around that can help? There may also be some women’s charities that you can speak to for advice on this if you’re worried.

Please be careful.

TheAverageJoanne · 25/06/2023 22:46

He's disgusting. Not fit to have children. You know there's only one answer to this don't you?

Kpcs · 25/06/2023 22:47

Speak to woman’s aid. This will only get worse. You need to get him out, he is a danger to you.

Wolfiefan · 25/06/2023 22:51

You need to separate and get your kids away from the drunken weed smoker.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 25/06/2023 22:54

LTB!

INeedAnotherName · 25/06/2023 22:55

Lock your door for tonight and contact womens aid. This will only get worse but in the meantime stop giving him money, he can earn his own beer money.

Sandra1984 · 25/06/2023 23:10

This is what abuse and domestic violence looks like. First thing is stop feeding his drug and alcohol habit, second go to the police, let them know what happen and if you can press any charges.

Sandra1984 · 25/06/2023 23:13

Also: Drugs and alcohol fuel violence (the domestic type).

rosyvalentine · 25/06/2023 23:14

This sounds awful. Why are you paying for his beer and weed OP? Is he not working?

Mommycool24 · 25/06/2023 23:19

Mumz1 · 25/06/2023 22:43

He sounds like trouble. From what you say, it seems like he’s not supportive but taking the resources that are meant to be for necessities for the kids and spending them on beer and weed instead. However, it’s worrying that he’s displaying violent behaviour. Has he done this sort of thing before throughout the 8 years?

Do you have any family or support around that can help? There may also be some women’s charities that you can speak to for advice on this if you’re worried.

Please be careful.

He is also out of work too atm and spends about 95% if not all of his fortnightly money on beer & weed.

Yes unfortunately this is not the first time. Long story short he had severe mental health problems & cocaine & prescription tablet addiction almost our whole relationship which led to years of abuse. About 4ish months ago he snapped mentally and took a bad, violent, paranoid breakdown. This went on for about 8 weeks. When he came out of it he took the step and said changes where being made. He stopped cocaine & tablets completely & got the help he needed & was an absolute dream to be around and live with since, I was so proud... that was untill tonight. Like yes the money spending has been a problem but I mean as a whole he's been so lovely & respectful & lovable, even while drinking & smoking. Which is why I'm pretty gutted tonight about this as things have been great.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 25/06/2023 23:20

He's disgusting. Dangerous. Piss taker.

Please ditch him.

BlastedPimples · 25/06/2023 23:21

You will be so much happier without him and his skanky mates.

Mommycool24 · 25/06/2023 23:22

rosyvalentine · 25/06/2023 23:14

This sounds awful. Why are you paying for his beer and weed OP? Is he not working?

Yes currently out of work. Long story short he had severe mental health problems & cocaine & prescription tablet addiction for years. About 4ish months ago he snapped mentally and took a bad, violent, paranoid breakdown. This went on for about 8 weeks. When he came out of it he took the step and said changes where being made. He stopped cocaine & tablets completely & got the help he needed & is in recovery for those two things. Hence why he hasn't been working.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 25/06/2023 23:26

He needs to go but I think you know that

Flopsythebunny · 25/06/2023 23:34

Stop allowing your children to be subjected to this kind of fuckery. They deserve better!

monsteramunch · 25/06/2023 23:38

You need to choose your children now.

They're living under the same roof as a man who prioritises drugs over them, emotionally and financially, and someone who has enabled him to do so.

It's time to make the definitive decision to end the relationship so they don't continue to be at risk of long term damage.

How old are they?

Servalan · 25/06/2023 23:39

I think that years of awfulness have led you to setting your bar pretty low - so he might be spending most of the family money on alcohol and weed, but at least he's friendly to be around and of good temper. That doesn't mean that he's being respectful. Respectful would mean spending family money on the family, being sober and pulling his weight domestically.
I think maybe you need to spend some time having a look at why you are happy to settle for so little.
And please take his behaviour tonight as a warning sign of increasingly dangerous behaviour. This is not OK for you or your kids and it does not sound as though he is serious about sorting himself out.

LeavesOnTrees · 25/06/2023 23:40

Your post started off about a father shirking his parental responsibilities by leaving you to do the bedtime routine, bad but fixable.
Then it went on to you funding his weed and alcohol problem, even worse.

Then ended with full on domestic abuse and violence.
You really need to get help to get out of this relationship

Screamingabdabz · 25/06/2023 23:43

“…as a whole he's been so lovely & respectful & lovable, even while drinking & smoking.”

You have lost all perspective on what lovely and respectful looks like. Please prioritise your children instead of this waste of oxygen you seem to see through rose tinted spectacles.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/06/2023 00:05

Mommycool24 · 25/06/2023 22:32

I need advice. For reference I’ve a partner of 8 years, 3 kids. His friend calls round every night. Today (during the day) his friend called and he was outside with him for roughly an hour and a half, having a smoke and chatting. Bedtime routine came. (We have 3 kids) he proceeded to run the kids a bath then another one of his friends called to the door in the middle of it and he stopped running it and he disappeared without even saying to me he was away & walked down to his friends house and sat for an hour & drank beer with him. I was running round trying to sort everyone’s supper, getting their pyjamas on, bottles fed etc, I was very stressed as 2/3 of them where playing up on me and being naughty. I even forgot about the bath as it was meant to be his job tonight so it completely left my mind. I text his friend as OH has no phone atm and asked if he was with him and could he tell him I’m looking him. He replied yes and said my OH said he was leaving now. 20 more minutes pass and he still didn’t arrive (me and his friend live about 40 seconds away from each other) and then his other friend that was here earlier on today then knocked on my door. I told him where was and asked his friend would he ask him to come up home. Another 10 minutes later and he finally arrives home. (Every ones fed & in bed at this point) I said to him he could of atleast let me know he was away somewhere, that I didn’t appreciate him just leaving me in the middle of everything as it was quite stressful and that I feel like the piss is sort of being took out of me. He asked me was I serious. I’m on benefits, the past while I can’t seem to hold on to money as I’ve been buying him beer almost every evening the past month and ive even been paying for some of his weed. (He says he’ll pay me back but I don’t hold my breath, also I’m not a drinker or a weed smoker) he’s got into a routine where I’m buying him that, then he’s sitting outside in the evenings drinking & smoking with his friend - they always call just before kids bedtime routine & then I don’t see him untill around 10pm every night. I’ve already brought this up to Him about waiting untill after but no change made. So anyway, he asks me am I serious and I said yes I am, I just seem to be a bank at the minute who pays for weed & beer for you to sit outside with your mates all night. He started screaming at me, punched the kitchen cupboard & kicked the bin, went outside, got his weed and threw it at me and all over the table I was sitting at, told me to “shove it up my arse” then pushed the table I was sitting at and pushed it clean into my chest as hard he could and called me a tramp and told me to go fuck myself then walked outside again. To go sit outside with his mate again. I’m so upset.

He sounds awful that last sentence is domestic abuse. I would be tempted to lock him out until I read that last sentence and realise he's Dangerous- please call a dv helpline for adjbice

Thatnameistaken · 26/06/2023 00:05

Imagine the life you could give your children if you weren't spending a proportion of your income buying drugs and alcohol for this man.
Add up what you've spent on him since say, Christmas and imagine what you could do with your kids with that extra money.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/06/2023 00:06

Do you share your kids or are they form a previous relationship

Mommycool24 · 26/06/2023 00:09

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/06/2023 00:06

Do you share your kids or are they form a previous relationship

Oh no they're our children. He's all 3s dad x

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/06/2023 00:13

He’s hateful and a very bad choice to keep making.

You need to think about what is best for your children now. Whatever fucked up attachment you have to this aggressive loser mustn’t be allowed to rule your priorities a moment longer.

Ryah76 · 26/06/2023 00:23

@Mommycool24 why are you with him and please don’t say ‘because I love him’ , cause honestly, that’s not enough, not when you have children. He is , what is known as a ‘ waste man’; He is living his life to suit him , drops everything for his friends, prioritises them, drink and drugs before his family.
Men like this don’t change, the behaviour gets worse and he will suck the life out of you until you are a shadow of yourself.
I think you and your children deserve better., get rid of him.