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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ADVICE PLEASE

40 replies

Mommycool24 · 25/06/2023 22:32

I need advice. For reference I’ve a partner of 8 years, 3 kids. His friend calls round every night. Today (during the day) his friend called and he was outside with him for roughly an hour and a half, having a smoke and chatting. Bedtime routine came. (We have 3 kids) he proceeded to run the kids a bath then another one of his friends called to the door in the middle of it and he stopped running it and he disappeared without even saying to me he was away & walked down to his friends house and sat for an hour & drank beer with him. I was running round trying to sort everyone’s supper, getting their pyjamas on, bottles fed etc, I was very stressed as 2/3 of them where playing up on me and being naughty. I even forgot about the bath as it was meant to be his job tonight so it completely left my mind. I text his friend as OH has no phone atm and asked if he was with him and could he tell him I’m looking him. He replied yes and said my OH said he was leaving now. 20 more minutes pass and he still didn’t arrive (me and his friend live about 40 seconds away from each other) and then his other friend that was here earlier on today then knocked on my door. I told him where was and asked his friend would he ask him to come up home. Another 10 minutes later and he finally arrives home. (Every ones fed & in bed at this point) I said to him he could of atleast let me know he was away somewhere, that I didn’t appreciate him just leaving me in the middle of everything as it was quite stressful and that I feel like the piss is sort of being took out of me. He asked me was I serious. I’m on benefits, the past while I can’t seem to hold on to money as I’ve been buying him beer almost every evening the past month and ive even been paying for some of his weed. (He says he’ll pay me back but I don’t hold my breath, also I’m not a drinker or a weed smoker) he’s got into a routine where I’m buying him that, then he’s sitting outside in the evenings drinking & smoking with his friend - they always call just before kids bedtime routine & then I don’t see him untill around 10pm every night. I’ve already brought this up to Him about waiting untill after but no change made. So anyway, he asks me am I serious and I said yes I am, I just seem to be a bank at the minute who pays for weed & beer for you to sit outside with your mates all night. He started screaming at me, punched the kitchen cupboard & kicked the bin, went outside, got his weed and threw it at me and all over the table I was sitting at, told me to “shove it up my arse” then pushed the table I was sitting at and pushed it clean into my chest as hard he could and called me a tramp and told me to go fuck myself then walked outside again. To go sit outside with his mate again. I’m so upset.

OP posts:
CallieQ · 26/06/2023 00:34

Why are you with this man??

LTB

Nat6999 · 26/06/2023 00:35

Is the house in your name? If it is you, can tell him to leave, or if he refuses, you can ring the police to remove him. Sooner or later, if you let him stay, you will end up with Social Services on your case, he is abusive, a drug user & a bully.

ZekeZeke · 26/06/2023 00:41

What is the housing situation? Do you own the home=rent? Who is on the lease?
You need to protect your children and yourself. You know what you need to do.

Mmhmmn · 26/06/2023 00:45

He's a violent, sponging, drink and drug fuelled shithead. No good can come of having that around you or your kids.

BadNomad · 26/06/2023 01:05

What advice do you need? It's pretty obvious that your children deserve a better life than this.

Zanatdy · 26/06/2023 03:29

You and your children deserve better than this. Please contact women’s aid before something terrible happens when he’s angry.

suburbophobe · 26/06/2023 03:50

He really is a dreadful role model for your kids.

Do you want them to turn out like that 20 years down the line?

Please stop funding his drink and weed habit. It needs to go towards you and the kids.
So long as you facilitate that he has no reason to look for work.

FluffyFlannery · 26/06/2023 03:55

How awful. You know what you need to do. He’s not redeemable. Just focus on a life with you and your children without him near you.

Bananalanacake · 26/06/2023 05:50

I imagine if they didn't have DC together she would be long gone. You still need to leave, not good to have a violent father.

MrsSamR · 26/06/2023 06:02

You need to stop making excuses for him and get him away from you and your kids before this gets any worse. It sounds like your life is pretty entangled with his equally useless friends if they live just down the street. Is your house rented or do you have a mortgage? If the former I'd try and move away to get a fresh start. Try and find work and set an example for your kids.

WilkinsonM · 26/06/2023 06:03

What's it going to take for you to accept he's a terrible dad and terrible partner and get rid of him?

Gytgyt · 26/06/2023 06:06

As soon as I read your post I thought is he 15 having friends call for him. Why on earth have you had 3 kids to this man? You need to look for work OP I'm surprised you have spare money to give him in the first place.

Theos · 26/06/2023 06:07

He’s dealing

Mumz1 · 26/06/2023 08:54

If he’s had cocaine and alcohol addiction then he shouldn’t be taking weed and beer. This is never going to change while this cycle continues.

Do be careful though as he seems dangerous and men like that are at their most dangerous when they feel threatened and their partner is leaving them.

Get some specialist advice from women’s charities and plan your move carefully before you do anything to make sure you and the children will be safe.

Sandra1984 · 26/06/2023 09:30

Mommycool24 · 25/06/2023 23:22

Yes currently out of work. Long story short he had severe mental health problems & cocaine & prescription tablet addiction for years. About 4ish months ago he snapped mentally and took a bad, violent, paranoid breakdown. This went on for about 8 weeks. When he came out of it he took the step and said changes where being made. He stopped cocaine & tablets completely & got the help he needed & is in recovery for those two things. Hence why he hasn't been working.

In recovery by smoking weed and drinking large amounts of alcohol. That’s one “interesting” recovery.

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