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Original poster

Wish I could get my confidence back but feel second best now

32 replies

lavenderhill77 · 25/06/2023 19:58

Few years ago my oh took someone else out. I found out and they ended relationship with me. I was davastated an under statement and they said a few things about me and what they felt but I was binned in a few minutes that really made me lose my confidence. I was 💔😩😰. It was a shock.
We were in home for rest of week and got back together and as far as they are concerned ok but everyday I think about what they said and it broke me.
How when you decide to stay together do you ever get back that safe feeling😰
I love them but still can't believe how ruthless they were that day. It was like a person I didn't know.
My life is generally ok and happy but there's a little anxiety/gut feeling that never goes now. Things don't feel the same.
It makes me really sad as I have no confidence in my appearance or that they really want to be with me now. They say they do everyday but my best friend is gone.
I feel disallusioned and would never trust anyone again.
They still have contact with other person and both just play it down as if nothing.
I feel betrayed as other person still on scene as mate but they both know how bad that week was for me but still have contact. I don't get it.

OP posts:
Crikeyisthatthetime · 25/06/2023 20:04

How long ago did this happen? If you are not happy with other person still being on the scene, have you told your partner this? If not why not? You shouldn't be feeling second best. Your partner should be moving heaven and earth to convince you that you're the one. If they aren't doing that then they aren't worth this pain. Don't settle, OP.

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 25/06/2023 20:11

Crikeyisthatthetime · 25/06/2023 20:04

How long ago did this happen? If you are not happy with other person still being on the scene, have you told your partner this? If not why not? You shouldn't be feeling second best. Your partner should be moving heaven and earth to convince you that you're the one. If they aren't doing that then they aren't worth this pain. Don't settle, OP.

In last five years ago so pathetic of me to still feel bad but I do.
It is a colleague they met through business and they still see each other for business.
They said it was a one off lunch . Trouble is my partner hid it so I have a issue with that. And I asked other person and they played it down and don't see anything wrong.
But when I confronted my partner they said some personal things about me so I feel shit about myself these days. I never was a overly confident person.
If I say to my partner not to communicate with certain people they won't like that and it may cause arguments/tension.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 25/06/2023 20:39

He took someone on a date?

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 25/06/2023 20:44

jelly79 · 25/06/2023 20:39

He took someone on a date?

Restaurant meal over 40 pounds at lunchtime.
Said they just had sandwich.
Don't know if it was date or just friendship thing but lied about it which is why I had issue and then made out they were with somebody else and I found out person it was and soon as I said I was told they didn't want to be together

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 26/06/2023 07:38

The way I see it, when you're in a relationship, you're in a little bubble. Obviously, there are other people around you but there should always be that bubble. Or, as my exh used to call it - the elastic.

This is what means that, even when you're out together but on opposite sides of the room and talking to others, you still feel 'with' them. When you go out separately, you still feel 'with' them.

Personally, I feel that if someone bursts that bubble or cuts that elastic by their words or actions, you won't ever feel safe with them again because what made you feel safe has gone.

Thisshallneverpass · 26/06/2023 07:41

GreyCarpet · 26/06/2023 07:38

The way I see it, when you're in a relationship, you're in a little bubble. Obviously, there are other people around you but there should always be that bubble. Or, as my exh used to call it - the elastic.

This is what means that, even when you're out together but on opposite sides of the room and talking to others, you still feel 'with' them. When you go out separately, you still feel 'with' them.

Personally, I feel that if someone bursts that bubble or cuts that elastic by their words or actions, you won't ever feel safe with them again because what made you feel safe has gone.

This is so true

Candleabra · 26/06/2023 07:44

You shouldn’t stay with someone who makes you feel second best.

SnackyOnassis · 26/06/2023 07:51

GreyCarpet · 26/06/2023 07:38

The way I see it, when you're in a relationship, you're in a little bubble. Obviously, there are other people around you but there should always be that bubble. Or, as my exh used to call it - the elastic.

This is what means that, even when you're out together but on opposite sides of the room and talking to others, you still feel 'with' them. When you go out separately, you still feel 'with' them.

Personally, I feel that if someone bursts that bubble or cuts that elastic by their words or actions, you won't ever feel safe with them again because what made you feel safe has gone.

This is the best way I've ever heard it described.

OP, it's not your fault you don't trust them, it's a good instinct. What have they done since that lunch to make you feel secure and like you're important?

Daisiesandprimroses · 26/06/2023 07:55

jelly79 · 25/06/2023 20:39

He took someone on a date?

The op kept it gender neutral.

op, 5 years is a long time, maybe some counselling, but if you can’t recover then staying is no way to live.

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 08:41

GreyCarpet · 26/06/2023 07:38

The way I see it, when you're in a relationship, you're in a little bubble. Obviously, there are other people around you but there should always be that bubble. Or, as my exh used to call it - the elastic.

This is what means that, even when you're out together but on opposite sides of the room and talking to others, you still feel 'with' them. When you go out separately, you still feel 'with' them.

Personally, I feel that if someone bursts that bubble or cuts that elastic by their words or actions, you won't ever feel safe with them again because what made you feel safe has gone.

This makes me feel really sad😰 really sad but so true.
I think I will still be with them because I don't feel right without them like empty when not here or away with work but hyper vigilant but sometimes I think I have ignored things that worry me as can't cope with thought of not having them.
They are lovely with me like making my morning coffee just now but I worry everyday re this sort of thing happening again. Sad really as I was so happy and safe in my life. Should never be smug which I wasn't but never thought my partner would hurt me in a big way....
Knew we would have silly arguments like everyone.
I cry every week at some point as it's something was broke and put back together but sad as the feeling I used to have is not there. Still love them as much but if I see another person they notice or chatting to I try to ignore and not react and cope in my own way and inside I am feeling really messed up but look calm on outside. None knows how bad I feel inside as good at hiding it

OP posts:
iceoverhills · 26/06/2023 10:04

Whey they split up with you what did they say about you?
I think it must have been something that they must have known would hurt you?

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 10:47

iceoverhills · 26/06/2023 10:04

Whey they split up with you what did they say about you?
I think it must have been something that they must have known would hurt you?

Didn't love me
They weren't attracted to me anymore
Had a wandering eye and so on...
Things that hurt me a lot and the things I remember re attraction comment and wandering eyes now even though they say they love me, I'm beautiful inside and out, complement me on my outfits I feel so insecure as never been confident of my appearance even when I was smaller I was never totally wow I'm perfect.
Before that day they never said anything negative about my appearance clothes weight even if I was having a more scruffy day. It was such a shock.
That sort of thing but I just always remember those words and everyday or most days they are nice to me and say I look nice and they are pleased to see me so it hurts because it was like someone I didn't know....
Life isn't perfect for any of us so I know I'm just going have to block out that time and move forward and if it happens again I wouldn't cope as they don't know I feel so bad now but they did know back then.
I haven't got much faith in anyone anymore as the person who is closest to me hurt me the most and I can't think want they would be thinking at meal without me. I wasn't even in their thoughts probably. Life and people have surprised has surprised me.
If I was a horrible person I could understand but I was/am 100 percent there for them so it broke my heart💔😰

OP posts:
iceoverhills · 26/06/2023 11:29

It is really sad to read that @lavenderhill77 .

It is understandable that this has affected you profoundly and that you are still having anxiety over this.

You need to be aware of what happens when a person is confronted with an uncomfortable truth. You confronted them that they had concealed/lied about the lunch. Regardless of whether there was anything going on, they had still concealed it from you. They now must face the uncomfortable truth that they lied to the very person they are supposed to be honest with. This makes them feel very uncomfortable and their brain will immediately grasp at anything to justify it. They went down the harshest route of all - not loving you and not finding you attractive. That has the effect of shutting you up. You are distracted by this massive deflection.

To them, this massive deflection is no big deal, because they later apologise. People say all sorts of dreadful things in the heat of the moment and think they can make it good by apologising later. Unfortunately, they have no idea what long lasting effect that will have on you.

You must reframe your thoughts so that you realise that their reaction was because of their own fear and emotional immaturity. They were protecting themselves at all costs. Their comments had nothing to do with you as a person nor did their comments reflect their true feelings. If they truly did not love you nor find you attractive, they would not be acting how you describe now.

FootnerMommy · 26/06/2023 11:33

@GreyCarpet This is exactly how I felt when I was secure vs insecure in a relationship. Well said x

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 11:57

iceoverhills · 26/06/2023 11:29

It is really sad to read that @lavenderhill77 .

It is understandable that this has affected you profoundly and that you are still having anxiety over this.

You need to be aware of what happens when a person is confronted with an uncomfortable truth. You confronted them that they had concealed/lied about the lunch. Regardless of whether there was anything going on, they had still concealed it from you. They now must face the uncomfortable truth that they lied to the very person they are supposed to be honest with. This makes them feel very uncomfortable and their brain will immediately grasp at anything to justify it. They went down the harshest route of all - not loving you and not finding you attractive. That has the effect of shutting you up. You are distracted by this massive deflection.

To them, this massive deflection is no big deal, because they later apologise. People say all sorts of dreadful things in the heat of the moment and think they can make it good by apologising later. Unfortunately, they have no idea what long lasting effect that will have on you.

You must reframe your thoughts so that you realise that their reaction was because of their own fear and emotional immaturity. They were protecting themselves at all costs. Their comments had nothing to do with you as a person nor did their comments reflect their true feelings. If they truly did not love you nor find you attractive, they would not be acting how you describe now.

Thankyou for this.
It makes me feel abit better.
I'm not looking for sympathy as I have been on here before name changed but because I can't get over it I keep trying to process what happened. I know people have had far worse happen in their lives so don't want to be all 'poor me'
Everyone on here has been so supportive even though I don't know any of you in outside these forums. We are all keeping stuff private which is why we come on here for opinions and advice.
What you have just said has probably been the thing that has helped me the most as it has made me understand why they may have been so horrible that week.
I appreciate everyone's input so much.
Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 12:52

FootnerMommy · 26/06/2023 11:33

@GreyCarpet This is exactly how I felt when I was secure vs insecure in a relationship. Well said x

Exactly same

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 26/06/2023 12:57

lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 08:41

This makes me feel really sad😰 really sad but so true.
I think I will still be with them because I don't feel right without them like empty when not here or away with work but hyper vigilant but sometimes I think I have ignored things that worry me as can't cope with thought of not having them.
They are lovely with me like making my morning coffee just now but I worry everyday re this sort of thing happening again. Sad really as I was so happy and safe in my life. Should never be smug which I wasn't but never thought my partner would hurt me in a big way....
Knew we would have silly arguments like everyone.
I cry every week at some point as it's something was broke and put back together but sad as the feeling I used to have is not there. Still love them as much but if I see another person they notice or chatting to I try to ignore and not react and cope in my own way and inside I am feeling really messed up but look calm on outside. None knows how bad I feel inside as good at hiding it

Show quote history

I recognise all of that very well Sad

When I felt it, I had to end it eventually. We still got on and had fun. He still did things that made me feel special and I still loved him But I never regained that sense of safety. It was really sad.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/06/2023 13:00

@GreyCarpet yes- I found out my H had sat and written mushy songs and poems about some young woman who worked for us- I found out 10 years after it happened (as I found the stuff)

We didn't split and we do get on well but you describe it well- I described it as someone 'snuffed out the candle of specialness' and I always thought we were.I'm much more cynical these days- he was the most unlikely person to do such a thing. I don't think you ever feel quite the same again- if I had been 20 years younger and in a good position financially I would have told him to bugger off

Crikeyalmighty · 26/06/2023 13:04

@iceoverhills and you are so very correct- when confronted they immediately try and justify their actions and say all sorts of shit that they don't mean but comes straight into their head - mine unbelievably came out with that I had always hated his mother- which wasn't true but if it was true was utterly irrelevant to his behaviour

Mari9999 · 26/06/2023 13:19

@lavenderhill77

Whatever happens with your partner, you might want to seek some counseling to deal with your own insecurities. His actions may have triggered your insecurity, but it did not create the insecurity.

If you have trouble accepting yourself, you will never fully trust others to accept you as you are. This is an attribute and issue that you will bring to every relationship and you will constantly function in Sherlock mode, always looking for the proof of infidelity. That is no way to live and no way to maintain a healthy relationship. Insecurity is a very unattached characteristic and one that tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 26/06/2023 13:35

Mari9999 · 26/06/2023 13:19

@lavenderhill77

Whatever happens with your partner, you might want to seek some counseling to deal with your own insecurities. His actions may have triggered your insecurity, but it did not create the insecurity.

If you have trouble accepting yourself, you will never fully trust others to accept you as you are. This is an attribute and issue that you will bring to every relationship and you will constantly function in Sherlock mode, always looking for the proof of infidelity. That is no way to live and no way to maintain a healthy relationship. Insecurity is a very unattached characteristic and one that tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think this is important OP. You have spent the last five years in a state of insecurity and feeling not good enough because of one secret lunch and one nasty outburst from your partner.
For your own sake you should get counselling for yourself.
You may decide in the end it is worth staying with them or you may decide to walk away, but the way you are feeling now is no good for you, and you deserve to feel better about yourself.

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 13:42

Mari9999 · 26/06/2023 13:19

@lavenderhill77

Whatever happens with your partner, you might want to seek some counseling to deal with your own insecurities. His actions may have triggered your insecurity, but it did not create the insecurity.

If you have trouble accepting yourself, you will never fully trust others to accept you as you are. This is an attribute and issue that you will bring to every relationship and you will constantly function in Sherlock mode, always looking for the proof of infidelity. That is no way to live and no way to maintain a healthy relationship. Insecurity is a very unattached characteristic and one that tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Do you mean unattractive characteristic?

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 26/06/2023 13:43

Insecurity is a very unattractive

Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 13:46

Mari9999 · 26/06/2023 13:43

Insecurity is a very unattractive

Yes I totally agree with you.
I think problem with me is I let my guard down and was 100 percent confident in my partner that they wouldn't stray or be tempted so now I have worries as they did what I didn't expect from them so now I can't just let go in my mind as scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderhill77 · 26/06/2023 14:30

Mari9999 · 26/06/2023 13:43

Insecurity is a very unattractive

Yes it can be I agree totally.
Also been over confident can be unattractive in a different way.

OP posts: