Wish I could get my confidence back but feel second best now

[lavenderhill77]

Few years ago my oh took someone else out. I found out and they ended relationship with me. I was davastated an under statement and they said a few things about me and what they felt but I was binned in a few minutes that really made me lose my confidence. I was 💔😩😰. It was a shock.
We were in home for rest of week and got back together and as far as they are concerned ok but everyday I think about what they said and it broke me.
How when you decide to stay together do you ever get back that safe feeling😰
I love them but still can't believe how ruthless they were that day. It was like a person I didn't know.
My life is generally ok and happy but there's a little anxiety/gut feeling that never goes now. Things don't feel the same.
It makes me really sad as I have no confidence in my appearance or that they really want to be with me now. They say they do everyday but my best friend is gone.
I feel disallusioned and would never trust anyone again.
They still have contact with other person and both just play it down as if nothing.
I feel betrayed as other person still on scene as mate but they both know how bad that week was for me but still have contact. I don't get it.

What you said later in conversation re one lunch and one comment doesn't sound much but for a week they were done and didn't want to be with me so it felt terrible. We have been together along time so it was/is hard but I have to move on now for my own wellbeing and I realise that no one but me can help myself totally. Thank you for your for your support. It is helpful.
I've got to harden up.

@lavenderhill77

What exactly did he do? Lie about what he had for lunch or about with whom he had lunch? Why in fact were you questioning him about such things. It seems pretty extreme to be questioning the amount spent.

Tbh, this scenario aside, it sounds as though being in a relationship with you can be hard work. One can never be certain when they might cross that imaginary line or trigger your insecurities.

I don't think that any relationship will be satisfying until you do a bit more work on yourself, You cannot fix anyone but your self. As things stand, you will always be just one triggering episode away from unhappiness.

I appreciate your opinion and to put some context into what you think of me.
I have never had a problem with my partner having friends, hobbies without me, trips abroad without me which aren't work related and so on so from my perspective I don't think I am hard work as you implied.
One of the main reasons I came on this forum is for support so I chat to people without saying anything to my partner so I avoid being hard work or going on at them. Trying to sort things out myself in my head once I have read other people's views/opinions.
I have actually reframed from saying much at all.
They lied that they were at work but weren't so that's why I felt insecure when I found out by accident. They should have just told me and then when I asked instead of insulting me.
I'm not sure if you have a partner but it would be like you asking them how their day was at work and them telling you all about it and you find out they had never even been in work. For context I never checked my partner as I had total trust.
But you are entitled to your opinion and I value all opinions.

Read their whole thread.
Then after you have done so let person concerned know what you would have done if similar happened in your life.

Wish you all the best, lovely.

@magicwillow
Typically our exchanges involve a generic "how was your day?". The respones is usually " it was fine" . If something out of the ordinary or particularly interesting happened that would entail more discussion.

Having lunch with someone would not be something usually mentioned because we both have lunch with many different people for different reasons. And by the end of the day, luncheon meetings have all but faded from memory.

I don't think that I have ever seen any of his lunch receipts , and I doubt seriously that he has ever seen any of mine. We both work, and there would never be an issue of how much was spent or what was consumed

I don't know If he cheats. I have no reason to think so, but I don't ask questions such than he would have a reason to lie. That may mean that I am living in a fools paradise.

Sometimes though, I think people who feel that.their behavior is unfairly or too often scrutinized will provide whatever answer that will lead to no further discussion .

If the OP no longer trust him, it really doesn't matter what he was about. The only question for consideration should be does she want to be in a relationship with a partner that for whatever reason she does not trust.

Life is too short to spend any of it having to play Sherlock in your relationships.

Reading the posters whole thread their partner lied to them so that's what led on to them feeling worried and from their last answer to you they didn't question them much that's why they went on a forum to get help.They apparently had total trust before from what I understand and it sounds like their partner goes off on trips, hobbies and they didnt have any trust issues.
It was unfair of you to say they are hard work because that situation warranted them feeling bad. I think the partner was the one who was hard work lying and saying they were somewhere else.
I Agee with you if they can't get past lack of trust now they may be better off calling it a day or getting counselling together.