DH insisting I'm wrong when I'm not

[BabyWhaleshark]

It's not all the time but often enough that it annoys me and makes me feel a bit on edge.

Like today we were leaving the house and he realised he didn't have his keys. For various reasons it didn't matter that he didn't have them so I said "it doesn't matter, you didn't take them yesterday either" now I'd think a normal response to that would be "didn't I? I didn't even notice" and I'd have said "yes, they were still in the key bowl when I left". But nooo he had to double down on that he absolutely did not forget his keys yesterday. We have airtags on our keys so I made him look at the location history and of course I was right and he had forgotten them. Another time was about a DIY project where he was sure we hadn't discussed doing it a particular way and that I was being ridiculous and difficult insisting that's what we agreed. But when he came to do the project he realised all the bits he had bought matched up with exactly what I'd said.

When I pointed out he does this a lot he said that I do the same but I really don't! Yes, sometimes I forget things we've talked about but I just say "oh, I don't remember that". I'm assuming when he says that I do it too he's thinking of the arguments we've had about similar points where I know I'm right but I can't prove it. Like when he ordered me a gluten free meal on the plane which apparently I'd asked him to do but I'm 100% sure I didn't ask him to do that! I just wouldn't have done.

It's not something that happens often and he's great in lots of other ways and I love him. But there have been these 3 times in the last few months that have really stuck in my head. Does anyone else's partner do this? Why do they do it and how do you get them to stop?

I made him look at the location history and of course I was right and he had forgotten them.

…and you think his response wasn’t normal!

Unlike @ILoveCookie, I don't think YABU. This is classic gaslighting, 'I must never be wrong' behaviour from him, and like you it would really piss me off and I would want to prove I was right too.
In your shoes I would probably start sarcastically replying 'oh sorry, I forgot you're always right, silly me'.
Very irritating behaviour

I'm not sure that mistakenly believing you were right when you were wrong three times over three months equates to gaslighting does it?!

He is of the "I'm a Man so I can't be wrong" mindset. There's a lot of it about.

@NuffSaidSam well it depends if this is a recurring theme doesn't it? I would imagine OP is not just talking about 3 incidents during the entire relationship.

Not my dh but stepdad does it to my Mum a lot and I can totally see her getting him to check his air tag. Not to catch him out but when he tells her she's mistaken about something that's been said or done she feels like she needs to know herself she's not mistaken or she thinks she's losing her mind when she can clearly recall something from the day before and he is telling her it didn't happen. It's not so much about the need to be right and prove him wrong but to prove to herself she can trust her own mind.

He did it with me several times when he first moved in and I still I lived at home. Trivial things like moving my stuff and saying he hadn't, telling me didn't rain the day before when it did, Mum would tell me to let it go and would get angry with me for trying to show I'm not mistaken and that something did happen the way I recall. He didn't do it to her much at the start but it would be daily with me from the second he moved in and genuinely felt like I was going and when I can clearly recall something and he's telling me it didn't happen or getting shouty with me when I could prove actually it did. In autistic and that would be blamed and it's actually one if the reasons I didn't report something serious that had happened to me because I started believing my memory isn't accurate.

It's always trivial small things that shouldn't cause a row but instead of saying he made a mistake he always blames the person he's saying is wrong even when they are right.

Dh has seen him to it do me and said it's like gaslighting. Even if he doesn't intend to make me doubt that Ive heard or seen what I have, the time living with him made me feel that way

No, she said three times in three months not three times in the entire relationship.

Maybe I'm also a gaslighter but I think I'm probably mistaken at least once a month....I thought thinking you had your keys and you didn't is a fairly run of the mill mistake to make tbh.

Are you someone who is always right/never mistaken like the OP? It must be tiresome for you to have life with the fallible. I can see why it's irritating.

As other PPs say. It's deliberate to make you doubt yourself so much you stop arguing. He's shutting you down. It will get worse over time until you lose all self esteem. Either counselling or leaving is the way forward, but don't accept this behaviour anymore.

Yesterday I told my DH various ways to get rid of spiderwebs and babies under his car that didn't involve using the hoover (that he wouldn't empty so house could potentially end up with baby spiders everywhere, happened before). Today he proudly announced one of my suggestions as his own. It was less than 24hrs ago but apparently I never suggested it, it was him being brainy and clever 🙄

It's up for you to determine, but do you think it is more guy pride, that he doesn't want to be seen as making mistakes etc... or gaslighting?

It's annoying, but I guess the real question is, do you think he does it with malice? Do you think he's trying to undermine you and make you feel you're going crazy, or just not wanting to own up to mistakes.

"...you didn't bring them with you yesterday either" sounds like a passive aggressive dig to me. I think this comment wasn't necessary and the whole thing could have been avoided

Yes leave. He’s obviously being abusive (eye roll)

I thought that

Play him at his own game. Tell him you’re worried about early onset dementia, given he’s always forgetting/losing things!

@NuffSaidSam are you being deliberately obtuse? The issue is not with him being mistaken, it's about insisting he is right and being unable to accept he might have been wrong.
If I've forgotten something and someone points it out, I tend to respond with 'Duh, what a prat I am', not 'nope, I didn't forget, you're wrong, you must be going mad'.
As a previous poster has pointed out, only OP can answer whether he is doing this with malice.

No, not at all. The issue is absolutely with him being mistaken.

If you KNOW you've forgotten something you can respond with 'duh what a prat I am'. You can't do that if you're mistaken can you? If you genuinely thought you had your keys yesterday and someone says 'you didn't have your keys yesterday' then the natural response is 'yes I did', until they prove that you didn't.

In fact it would be odd not to disagree in this situation. If you genuinely, 100% believe you have your keys and someone says 'you don't have your keys' it would be odd to just immediately believe them and assume you must be mistaken. Surely, you would say 'yes I do!' because that's what you genuinely believe the situation to be?

And at no point as the OP said the he claims she 'must be going mad'. You've added that little detail! That would be verging on gaslighting, but no evidence whatsoever that he said that. Just a man who thought he has his keys the day before!

Righto @NuffSaidSam you sound pretty similar to OP's husband. No point arguing with you, you're so sure you're right

I suggested counselling as a way forward in case it's a communication problem. But what he is doing (if consistently done) is considered abusive according to multiple DA charities and government guidelines. However that is not what I said in my original post. What I did say is, dont put up with it.

As I said initially I am like the OP's husband in that I definitely am mistaken on occasion. I'm fallible, definitely.

Are you not sure you're right then? Because I'd suggest we both think we're right, no?! That's the basis of this conversation.

You know, sometimes it gets to the point where you just have to establish the truth.

It happens when you've essentially been told one time too many that you're crazy, that you are losing your mind.

It's also known as gaslighting, a form of psychological abuse.

He said you asked him to order you a gluten free meal on the plane but you’re sure you didn’t. Do you eat/need gluten free food normally? If so it’s reasonable for him to order it (but not reasonable for him to claim you asked, if you didn’t).
If you don’t usually eat gluten free then ordering it is a weird thing to do and suggests that there’s something else going on with him.

Seems like these incidents could be over with quickly and without an argument, if he wasn't so defensive about making a mistake or forgetting something. He could just say "I don't remember discussing that" re: the DIY project, and let it go forever, or at least until he's discovered who is actually right later on, but instead he doubles down on his certainty in that moment to the point that he is insulting you, which you naturally don't want to put up with.

Calling you ridiculous and difficult is unfair in any case of differing opinion. Talk about projection!

This.

There must be a back story to this because I wouldn't even have bothered mentioning that he'd forgotten his keys yesterday. What's the point?

He sounds a bit defensive but I would be too if every mistake I made was pointed out to me at some point.

My view is that it probably is gaslighting. He cannot be certain he remembered his keys (because you know for a fact he didn't) so the fact he will not accept the possibility he made a mistake is very worrying. Generally I would say this behaviour is not in isolation so maybe think about other things he does and how you feel about them. When you aren't receptive to the idea that you're in an abusive relationship you rationalise things. Just worth thinking about.

This is classic gaslighting

No it’s not. Not even close.

I have a very similar husband, in his mind he can never be wrong. Unfortunately for him, the majority of the time he is wrong!
My husband has a shocking memory, piss poor comprehension skills and a habit of leaving things where they shouldn't be so he forgets/loses stuff all of the bloody time.
I don't think it is gas lighting (for either the OP or me!). In my husbands case I think it is a defence mechanism, he knows he's* fucked up again so it's easier *for him mentally to cling on to the hope that this time he definitely isn't wrong......the problem is, like OP I find myself having to prove he is wrong (I would totally have ended up checking the air tag, that is my defense mechanism!) because if I don't he would end up believing his warped sense of reality.
Something like taking keys with you is not a massive deal, especially if someone else has some but it is their unshakeable belief that they are always correct that starts to chip away at the relationship. I do not, ever, let my husband believe he is right when I have proof he isn't - not because I am an arsehole but because it would be like living in the twilight zone where everything in my life stopped making sense.
I get it OP.