DH temper over minor issues draining the life out of me

[PoolQuandry]

My DH has always had a temper but only when it comes to minor inconveniences and inanimate objects. It's bizarre.

For example just now he's shouting and cursing at a pump he's using to inflate a pool and when I've asked him to stop he's gotten cross at me. I told him I'd do it because he was taking the good out of it (first paddling pool for our first child) he's told me he is doing it and sent me to look for another pump. I'm looking after a 5 month old so I haven't bothered.

Other recent examples are cursing loudly when food falls off his fork, his phone/telly etc not working exactly as he'd like.

This issue has long irritated me. It triggers me back to my very angry and strict mother when I was a child. I've raised it in therapy and learned ways not to react to the trigger but to be honest it gives me major ick and I want him to stop it. I've been asking him to address it for years. I'm also worried that it could affect the baby and I don't want him growing up afraid of a parent like I was (as was DH).

He's pretty good other than this.

Do I insist on therapy? Ask nicely again? Remind him how it bothers me? The usual response is that he'll acknowledge what he did and apologise but never actually take steps to stop it happening again.

how often does he get these outbursts? Now and again - not showstopping I would say. Multiple times a day - horrible.

It's several times a day most days at the moment. I'm probably seeing it more now as he works from home some days and I'm on mat leave.

Mine was like this when his bipolar was undiagnosed/untreated. He so much more chill now he's medicated, but he used to be worse than me with PMT on bad days.
You should not have to out up with it though and it isn't a nice environment for the children. I wish I'd made DH get investigated years before I did (paid private for psych assessment as GP was useless).

How old is he?
Does he have low testosterone because men can be more irritable if levels are low?

Have you tried looking at him with disdain and telling him to grow the fuck up?
I'm not totally unsympathetic to him - I have that verbally aggressive impatience in me too, but it was trained out of me by friends and even employers telling me not to be a twat and also by an H who was, tbh, worse, so I saw the other side of it. If you don't feel you can have that kind of direct conversation for fear of the consequences then it's more than just a bad temper, it's bullying and you need to leave.

He's generally neurotic OP or he's really depressed, maybe both.

If you're really depressed, it won't take much to set someone off.

You mention he's always been like this so there's a good chance he's neurotic. It's tiring being around such people because it's like being around a sensitive toddler - the wind only has to blow in the wrong direction and they'll cry. He's doing the equivalent of throwing his toys out of the pram at the slightest trigger, and that's why you're turned off by it. And yes, it will probably normalise this behaviour for your kids as they will be learning certain emotional patterns from him, although it's not a given they'll turn out like that. They will learn that any small mishap should result in stress and an outburst.

Thing is, he's probably always been that way and other than it upsetting you, he probably doesn't see anything wrong with it. Not sure if anything can be done if he's not bothered by it.

My husband used to be like this (occasionally still is but no where near as frequent) I always hated it and he never really got why. It come to ahead a few years ago.. he threw a bin across the kitchen because the bin bag wouldn't fit, his 10yr old daughter was with us and he saw the look on her face, I explained to him that by acting like that and by me ignoring it was teaching his daughter and my son to have awful boundaries. I told him to picture his daughter stood in her own kitchen 15 years from now while her husband punched walls because the toaster was broken. I explained how intimidating it is and that I wasn't cool teaching my son that this is an acceptable way to behave. Dramatic but he seemed to get it and 99% of the time doesn't do it anymore.

None of those suggestions poolquandry. I would be asking him to leave the marital home and consider too if this is a relationship you want to at all remain in . It’s that serious an issue and your children will be further affected by this if they continue to see this, as will you.

We learn about relationships first and foremost fro our parents, look at what yours taught you.

What is your therapist like?. Does this person recognise abuse?. You learning ways of not acting to the trigger has further harmed you. it’s not your fault he is like this and I would think that one or both his parents behave similarly.

You’ve married someone not too or entirely dissimilar to your own angry mother. Your now husband, like her, does not behave like this to other people in the outside world or with work colleagues. He’s only doing this within your home and mainly to your possessions. He’s showing you that it’s a small step between hitting an inanimate object and hitting you.

I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid about this matter.

How does he behave to and around people in the outside world?. Bet he’s all lovely to them.

Like practically all abusers as well he is not taking any responsibility for his actions but chooses to blame you instead. In their head, it’s always someone else’s fault and never their own.

I agree 100% with @AttilaTheMeerkat.

I have an exH who was like this. Nobody escaped from our marriage unscathed. Your worry about the baby is absolutely warranted.

He is creating an atmosphere where you walk on eggshells, wondering when the next explosion will happen.

Contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

You need support.

If your H won't listen to a serious talking to about how much he is placing his family unit at risk, then he needs an ultimatum, but you have to be ready to carry out the terms.

Can you manage on your own financially (with child support payments)? Do you have family nearby who could lend a hand?

If this man doesn't address his personality issues and his idea that it's OK to treat his wife the way he does, then your relationship is doomed and I fear so too is your baby's mental and emotional health.

Thanks for the considered responses. You've given me food for thought.

I never thought of it as being abuse of any kind, though I suppose being on eggshells and feeling so stressed when he acts this way is a form of emotional abuse maybe.

Re the therapist, she would say that we can't change other people so we just focus on me and how I respond. I wouldn't consider leaving him over it but I think if he continues to refuse help to figure this out I'll have to consider my options.

I do think he's depressed. He's suffered some traumatic losses in recent times and he hasn't dealt with them.

He is modelling relationships to your baby. How would you feel if in years to come your son/ daughter believes this behaviour is normal in their own relationship?

He needs to stop right away before he does any more damage.

@GodspeedJune yes you're right. I absolutely refuse to have him growing up in that kind of environment. I'll have to have a serious talk to him about it.

Also I remember first having it out with him about this over 10 years ago! Enough is enough. I don't broach it because I don't want to cause him more stress but that suits him down to the ground.

Whenever he does it in front of baby I correct him but he minimises it and says he's joking etc but he has no idea how intimidating he is.

I would be tempted to mirror his behaviour to show him what it looks like (away from the baby obviously).
Scream FFS if the food falls off your fork. Put on a great show of all the shit you've witnessed over the years condensed over a couple of days. Give him a bloody good shock.
Show him how unpleasant it is to be in the firing line of someone not bothering to manage their frustration like an adult.

I'm also worried that it could affect the baby

Could? There's no "could" or maybe here. It's a guarantee it will. Your child will grow up in a dysfunctional, emotionally violent, unhappy home just like you and your husband did. You say you refuse to have him grow up in this environment, but you chose to bring him into it, knowing exactly what your husband is like.

If you don't make some very big decisions, your son will either grow up to be you who needs therapy to deal with past trauma, or he'll be just like his father. And the cycle continues.

Men with ‘short fuses’ make me feel uneasy and fearful. Food falling off his fork, what’s next? A coaster sticking to the bottom of a glass, sleeve snagged on a door handle - if these things tip him into fury, can you imagine how he’d react if your toddler scribbled on a wall or changed the channel during a match?

My dh was like this too. There was never any malice or threat in it and it never developed into anything more than his intense irritation with inanimate objects as you describe. However, it ground me down and eventually I left. There was more to it than that but it seriously used to get me down. I’m didn’t realise what a big impact it had on my mods until I now no longer live with him and am much, much cheerier!

I did this once, with my exH.

I was completely exhausted at the end of the day. Where he got the energy it took to be exploding with anger all the time, I do not know.

There is no "maybe" about the emotional abuse. It is 100% emotional abuse, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with his recent losses if you tackled him about it ten years ago.

He has never had to face any real consequences for using you as his emotional punch bag. He has no intention of stopping.

He does not behave like this at work, I guarantee it. Your problem is that he thinks he is entitled to treat you terribly.

It is time to get serious about this.

Look at your financial situation. Investigate how you can make single parenthood work.

You cannot continue like this. This is all your baby will know of life.

This is how and who he is.
He will not change.
You have a tough decision to make.
But better do it now rather than years down the road.
Because this will grind you down and your child's childhood will be blighted just as yours was.

Why people marry arseholes like this is beyond me

It is definitely possible to change but the person has to want to.

I used to have a short temper growing up, it was learned behaviour from seeing it modelled at home but I quickly discovered acting like that would leave me with very few friends and worked on keeping my cool. It took a lot of effort but I'm now a very calm and much happier person.

My DH used to do the shouting and swearing about things when we first started living together. I told him it scared me and explained that whilst he vented, it put his anger into the atmosphere so it felt like he was shouting at me. He took it on board as he didn't want to scare me at all (similar to me, he'd learnt it was acceptable behaviour growing up) and taught himself to control his outbursts.

Now we have children, he's more aware he doesn't want to be a "scary Daddy" and also that he wants to model proper emotional regulation to our toddler. He's really putting in effort to not just suppress his annoyance, but actually get less frustrated in the first place.

If your DH is open to the conversation and putting in the work then I believe he may be able to change. If he shuts down any suggestion that he should then you need to think about next steps. Either way, you don't want your child growing up in an angry house.

but he has no idea how intimidating he is.

I’m pretty sure he has.

The thing is if a woman was feeling and acting this way, PMS or depression/anxiety for example, she’d go to the GP and get medication and help.

The status quo for men isn’t to do that, they just stay angry and abusive.

He needs to address his issues.

Amillionlovesongslater I get what you are saying and I am glad he improved, but also I find this so depressing amongst some men that they seem incapable of caring that the way they act can affect people (in particular women) and then suddenly when they have a daughter it's: NO ONE BEHAVES LIKE THAT TO MY DAUGHTER. Ownership, etc. Work it out for yourself, mate, you shouldn't need having a daughter to understand.