DH temper over minor issues draining the life out of me

[PoolQuandry]

My DH has always had a temper but only when it comes to minor inconveniences and inanimate objects. It's bizarre.

For example just now he's shouting and cursing at a pump he's using to inflate a pool and when I've asked him to stop he's gotten cross at me. I told him I'd do it because he was taking the good out of it (first paddling pool for our first child) he's told me he is doing it and sent me to look for another pump. I'm looking after a 5 month old so I haven't bothered.

Other recent examples are cursing loudly when food falls off his fork, his phone/telly etc not working exactly as he'd like.

This issue has long irritated me. It triggers me back to my very angry and strict mother when I was a child. I've raised it in therapy and learned ways not to react to the trigger but to be honest it gives me major ick and I want him to stop it. I've been asking him to address it for years. I'm also worried that it could affect the baby and I don't want him growing up afraid of a parent like I was (as was DH).

He's pretty good other than this.

Do I insist on therapy? Ask nicely again? Remind him how it bothers me? The usual response is that he'll acknowledge what he did and apologise but never actually take steps to stop it happening again.

My ex was like this. He would start ranting and swearing at any inconveniences like the ones you describe. Our kids are 18 & 15 and I’m very grateful they don’t have a bad temper like he does and have my patience. Largely as he was away for over half their childhood working overseas. I have had to speak to him a couple of times though at the way he was speaking to our son, derogatory terms that he thought were said in jest but really weren’t. He has stopped that now. He’s recently got into a new relationship and the woman and her teen son are moving in with him next week. I feel for her, I really do.

@MoltenLasagne your message is very helpful. Thank you.

My DP is exactly the same. Drops a wooden spoon by accident and then swears and launches it away from me. But incredibly scary. I'm so calm and collected. He gets so angry at inanimate objects and when things don't go his way. I too have been to therapy and suffer from the trigger of parent shouting in childhood. I do cry when he gets angry and then he has a go at the me for being emotional. Treading on egg shells and my head is just preparing for the next episode. I'm just done with it now. It is so stressful.

But he is lovely outside the house. Fun and jokey with friends and family and will do anything for them.

Been together 4 years and today is the day I am breaking it off. It has taken about 6 months to pluck the courage to leave him today. I have a list of all the bad things and just ripping the plaster off. Have been reading posts on here and on Women's Aid forum to give me the strength. I'm 41 and want to start life again. I've spoken to friends and family and they all know what I am doing today so I have my support network. It will be hard I know and I will miss the nice times but I can't live with the fear and stress anymore.

Good luck OP with your situation aswell. It sounds very familiar to mine.

Good luck! So brave to decide that this is what you want, I’m sure everything will work out great x

My dad and my sister are exactly them same off like rockets at the slightest thing and very shouty and will occasionally throw things

tbh tuned out to it when I lived at home

only when I left home and went back realised how anxious it made me

Did what you said penetrative? It's so accurate. His ten year old would have witnessed you either placating him, or the anger escalating. I would have been facing decisions like this if I hadn't left.

Penetrate imean! Predictive text

@StarBug81 - Sending you every good wish. A better life awaits you, of that you can be sure.

My 12 year old boy tended to physical strops, chucking and slamming when thwarted. It took him two serious discussions of how that is likely to be perceived by others, and a simple explanation that whilst anger is totally normal, physical and very loud, sudden vocal expressions of anger are not ok and liable to intimidate and scare some people. He was mortified and stopped almost overnight, because he cares a lot about how people feel. I’m so proud of him for cracking it. If a 12 year old can then an adult definitely can. But you are not this adult’s parent and he is … an adult!

a long winded way of saying, it’s a hard pass on this behaviour from me. It just needs to stop. Does he know how much you hate it and why? If he does but carries on… he is potentially not that nice a person.

@MuserDame It did seem to click with him in that moment I think it was a mixture of seeing the look on his daughter's face and knowing that I was about 5 seconds away from being done. It's strange the amount of men that act this way and I agree with what other posters have said. It shouldn't be down to women to teach men not to act like animals. I'm through it now and things in my marriage are so much better but if I'm being honest I shouldn't have put up with it for so long, If I had a daughter who was living with someone who acted this way my advice would be straight up leave.