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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what I'm looking for here :/

31 replies

raindrops21 · 23/06/2023 00:02

Hi.

Not sure where to start or go to. With my dp over 12 years, two children. I'm finding it so hard being together lately and walking on eggshells. He'll often call me 'thickie' and touching me up in front of our child who's 12 and has started copying thinking it's funny even after I say to stop I don't like that! I'll be called all sorts from c*nt in front of the children and everything is always my fault. I hate coming home from work as he's constantly negative all the time. Our older child has adhd and can be difficult but he loses it with him calling him a bastard and worse a lot of the time!
Even when I'm sitting in the evenings it's what he wants to watch and if I'm on my phone he'll ask what I'm doing and who am I talking too! I love sex normally but not lately and he'll keep pestering and going and going until I give in!
Not sure what I'm looking for just needed to get it off my chest as can't say it to anyone in RL right now

OP posts:
AlienMonster · 23/06/2023 06:13

Have you posted this before? It sounds frightfully familiar.

He'll often call me 'thickie' and touching me up in front of our child who's 12 and has started copying thinking it's funny even after I say to stop I don't like that!

Are you saying your child is copying touching you up?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 08:43

walking on eggshells is akin to living in fear.
if you feel like this you can just imagine what it’s like for your children.

Abuse thrives on secrecy. You do realise your children in turn are being abused here also.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 08:44

Women’s aid should be contacted by you here.

Original poster
raindrops21 · 23/06/2023 11:22

Thank you for the replies.

No I haven't asked about it before.

Yes he does in front of them and the oldest is now copying him and he laughs. I'm told I don't have a sense of humour!

OP posts:
Original poster
raindrops21 · 23/06/2023 11:23

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 08:43

walking on eggshells is akin to living in fear.
if you feel like this you can just imagine what it’s like for your children.

Abuse thrives on secrecy. You do realise your children in turn are being abused here also.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

No he is street angel house devil, wouldn't talk to anyone else the way he does to us..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 11:40

Street angel house devil is a good description of an abuser. These men hate women, ALL of them. They are often quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Both children here are in turn being abused by your so called partner. How can you get this person out of your day to day lives before he does you and your kids any more damage?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 11:42

And he is a sexual predator to boot. He really does think your body belongs to him.

How old are you now may I ask?.

Original poster
raindrops21 · 23/06/2023 12:22

I have asked several times but he won't go. Then things are good for a while and I feel awful thinking about it! I'm mid 30's and been told I'd never meet anyone else I'm lucky he's with me... he'd have another girl tonight if he left and I'll be left with cats

OP posts:
Seas164 · 23/06/2023 12:26

I'd take being left with cats.

He's teaching your children to sexually assault you. Leave for them if you can't do it for yourself.

Newestname002 · 23/06/2023 12:37

@raindrops21

he'd have another girl tonight if he left and I'll be left with cats

That might be a better solution for both you and your children. Also the cats would be more loving/appreciative to you than this abusive sex pest who is giving a very bad example of how relationships work to your children.

Have you researched how your finances could work if you were no longer with him? Check www.entitledto.com. What is the situation regarding accommodation and your job? Maybe speak to Woman's Aid for some constructive advice so you can plan for a better future. 🌹

OlderandwiserMaybe · 23/06/2023 12:49

Seas164 · 23/06/2023 12:26

I'd take being left with cats.

He's teaching your children to sexually assault you. Leave for them if you can't do it for yourself.

Read this again OP - seriously read it.

At 12 - it may already be too late to re-set your childs perception that that abuse is normal. - It isn't.

Yes leaving will be hard but Leave is what you must do - your partner is never going to leave by you asking him to - you need to leave him.

See a solicitor about finding out what your financial situation might be - but honestly - I'd take living in poverty over living with someone who treats me like you have described.

I Divorced at 46 and i've managed to find happiness and love again - you can too. You are still young. Flowers

Seaoftroubles · 23/06/2023 13:13

O P wake up! This is abusive behaviour towards you and your children. He sounds absolutely vile and l would much prefer the company of your
cats to this disgusting sex pest. You need to get him out ASAP, please speak to Women's Aid so they can advise you.

EllaRaines · 23/06/2023 13:17

Horrific and you and your children deserve much better.

'Touching up' has a playful ring to it, you are actually being assaulted and the thought of your son now joining in is sickening.

Get away from this vile man asap.

You are not thick, you are worn down and conditioned by him and possibly others to believe you are inadequate and somehow deserve to be treated badly, but I can assure you that you are not!

Dery · 23/06/2023 13:17

“I'd take being left with cats.

He's teaching your children to sexually assault you. Leave for them if you can't do it for yourself.”

This. @raindrops21 - what you describe is hideous. He’s teaching your children to be sexually predatory. The damage being done to your children is catastrophic. Please, please, please get them away from this situation ASAP.

Alcemeg · 23/06/2023 13:41

The minute you're walking on eggshells: dump him.

The minute he calls you thickie: dump and run.

The minute he sexually assaults you: dump and run and never look back.

The minute he does that in front of a child: kill the fucker.

That's it.

Cats are great!!!!!

Original poster
raindrops21 · 23/06/2023 20:42

It's just so hard to leave, I know it's the best thing but feel so guilty on my children! They will think I ripped the family apart!

We're in council accommodation which is in my name solely, hoping this will help as he's down on rent but not the main name..

The thoughts when leaving work every day, when I should obviously be looking forward to going to my home with my two loves of my world!

OP posts:
Stumpedasatree · 24/06/2023 09:56

I’m sorry OP but you should be feeling more guilt towards your children by staying with him. If you stay they almost certainly won’t be capable of a healthy relationship when they are adults. They won’t understand your reasons for leaving while they’re young but they will when they’re older and will be so much happier that you are no longer being abused on a daily basis. Can you not see that?

Menopants · 24/06/2023 10:11

Chuck him out he’s a cunt. Being alone can be really lovely. And it certainly sounds like you would be better off without him

Original poster
raindrops21 · 24/06/2023 14:33

Thank you so much for the replies.

I know but it's so hard to get the courage to just do it. Especially when things are good they are good. From the outside no one would know anything!

OP posts:
Name99 · 24/06/2023 15:27

Are you actually saying that he touches you sexually and your 12 year old is copying that?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/06/2023 16:30

he'd have another girl tonight if he left
Girl he ain't Beyonce.

Seriously, he is teaching your 12 year old child how to sexually assault women. Can you see how abusive this is to your child? What happens if your child starts touching girls at school? He is over the age of criminal responsibility. The consequences for your child's future could be catastrophic - and that's leaving aside the actual trauma of coming to realise when he's older "Fucking hell, I sexually assaulted my mum."

You cannot stay with this man. I know it will be hard but your kids need you to step up and protect them.

Motnight · 24/06/2023 16:42

You are being sexually abused in your home by 2 of the people who you should feel safest with. I am without words for this, Op. Hope you are getting some useful advice on this thread.

Stumpedasatree · 24/06/2023 17:26

"I hate coming home from work as he's constantly negative all the time."

OP, just from this part of your original post it doesn't sound like things are good. That's not even taking account everything else. Please do not delude yourself and your children.

lanbro · 24/06/2023 17:31

You need to leave. Do you have support? My xh wouldn't leave so I did, despite the fact it was my house. It wasn't easy, my parents were amazing though, but it was so, so worth it. You, and your children, deserve better

Alcemeg · 24/06/2023 17:33

raindrops21 · 24/06/2023 14:33

Thank you so much for the replies.

I know but it's so hard to get the courage to just do it. Especially when things are good they are good. From the outside no one would know anything!

No one can ever tell from the outside.

Even from the inside, it's hard to tell!

but you know what's what Flowers and unfortunately, once you know, you know...