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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DA - being spied on

40 replies

Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 22:05

Long story short, I’ve been suffering at the hands of my partner for many years. I split up from him after an unprovoked attack in the middle of the night last October, but we are having to reside in the same house whilst the sale of our home goes through.
For the large part I manage to avoid him as I’m at work during the day and spend my evenings in my daughters room (she’s at uni).
Today I had the house to myself - a very rare occurrence as he rarely leaves the house. This morning I’d discovered that my ex had been lying about where he was going. I should preface this by saying that Ex is a narcissist and one of his many ‘things’ is to call me a liar, so it kind of pleased me that he’d been caught in a lie because he’s always telling me that he’s so honest and has often used his ‘honesty’ as a reason to insult or belittle me.
I was working at my computer and absent-mindedly said out loud, ha I know you’ve been a liar all along or words to that effect. I often talk to myself whilst concentrating and I’m guessing I must have had quite a conversation about his lying and narcissistic ways.
Turns out he records me, he leaves a phone that I didn’t know he had in a secret place and records me, all day! I’m horrified and weirdly I had a feeling that I shouldn’t speak out loud.
I feel so violated and upset. But guess what? I’ve been called a weirdo and a freak for talking about him to myself.
God only knows what silly things I come out with whilst I’m pottering around so I literally feel like I’ve given him a loaded gun.
I’m now sitting upstairs too scared to go down and get a drink. I’ve got to move my daughter back from uni tomorrow and there was all sorts of things I needed to get done this evening and now Im so anxious I can’t move.
Tbh given the awful way he’s treated me over the years, I shouldn’t be surprised, but it doesn’t stop me being upset and feeling scared. He’s currently bashing and crashing around downstairs and the irony is that he’s in a rage with me.
I needed a safe space to vent so thank you for listening x

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 22:12

What wrre you looking for when you found out that he was lying about where he was going? And if you're no longer together, why would he have to lie about it? Surely it's no concern of yours where he is, when and who with?

Do you work from home and work in a particular room? So he charges a second phone up every night then hides it in that room every day to record you? How did you find the phone or find out he'd been doing this?

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 22:20

He lied about where he was going and how he was getting there, I don’t care where he goes, my point was that it was interesting that he would lie when he’s allegedly so honest.
I didn’t find the phone, he told me he’d heard me talking about him and said he’d recorded me. Called me a freak and is now in a rage, and drunk. I have no idea how often he’s done it.

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 22/06/2023 22:22

Are you safe? Is there anywhere else you could go tonight?

StrawberryPavlova · 22/06/2023 22:22

Are you safe?

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 22:23

The reason I found out he was lying was because I started work and he’d left a web page open detailing a journey, when he’d told me he was doing something else. But as I say, I couldn’t care less about that. It was more a vindication that I’m not mad, he does lie even though he says he doesn’t!

OP posts:
Kingfishersperch · 22/06/2023 22:23

Are you safe? You should call the police - his behaviour is concerning and may escalate.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 22:24

mayorofcasterbridge · 22/06/2023 22:22

Are you safe? Is there anywhere else you could go tonight?

Yes, I have a door brace on my door. He’s been drinking since about 3 so will pass out soon. Thank you I appreciate you asking

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 22/06/2023 22:25

You dont sound safe. He wont like being found out as a liar. Can you not go anywhere or have someone come to you?

45387pob · 22/06/2023 22:26

What room is he recording you in? If it's a bedroom or bathroom, where you should have an expectation of privacy, he's breaking the law. I'd be tempted to call the police anyway as his drunken rage sounds dangerous, and there's also the issue of the attack last October. Can you leave the house safely?

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/06/2023 22:26

I would urge you to contact your local police domestic abuse team. This type of behaviour can escalate quickly and you need to register your concerns and take advice from them.

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 22/06/2023 22:28

You need to start reporting him to the police at every incident op. Even online.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 22:29

Kingfishersperch · 22/06/2023 22:23

Are you safe? You should call the police - his behaviour is concerning and may escalate.

Yes I do have a door brace which was given to me by the police. He’s angry and drunk but he won’t actually hurt me because he knows I would be able to call the police. He’s the master of intimidation 🤬

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 22/06/2023 22:31

Can you think of how he is recording you? It might not be a phone, but a gadget such as an Amazon dot or a Google home, which he has 'dropped in' on so he gets a live feed of what you are saying. If you can't see it, and it is set to silent notifications,you wouldn't even know it's there if it's hidden.

mathanxiety · 22/06/2023 22:31

You need to contact the police.

This is a serious matter.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 22:34

45387pob · 22/06/2023 22:26

What room is he recording you in? If it's a bedroom or bathroom, where you should have an expectation of privacy, he's breaking the law. I'd be tempted to call the police anyway as his drunken rage sounds dangerous, and there's also the issue of the attack last October. Can you leave the house safely?

the phone was hidden near my desk, so not in a place where it would be illegal to record someone - he’s very clever and has gotten away with so much. Very little he does surprises me, but this has just made me realise that even when he’s not in the house he still tries to maintain control

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 22:38

What he's doing is illegal, and I think your idea of 'what is safe' has become skewed from being with him. Please call the police.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 23:00

Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 22:38

What he's doing is illegal, and I think your idea of 'what is safe' has become skewed from being with him. Please call the police.

Mad as it sounds, it’s not illegal to record someone covertly providing it’s not in a bathroom, I checked after I found out what he’d done today.
yes, you’re totally right, my idea of safe is skewed. If I called the police, this is what would happen (and I speak from experience). They would come fairly quickly because there is an alert on my property for me and my daughter. They would come in and my ex would be completely charming and act the lad with them and try and get them onside. He would admit he’d had a drink and couldn’t drive anywhere so the police would ask if I could go somewhere so that the situation could cool off. I would then have to go round to my parents/friends and worry them late at night and he would, once again, get away with it. Honestly I could write a book about coercive control and narcissistic abuse and the way that survivors are failed by the law and the courts!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 23:03

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 22/06/2023 22:28

You need to start reporting him to the police at every incident op. Even online.

I make a lot of notes/digital diary entries about what he does. I’m hoping our house sale goes through soon and I can get away from him

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 23:04

Acting in a way that is threatening and scares you so much you talk about using the door brace the police gave you is illegal!

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 23:06

vipersnest1 · 22/06/2023 22:31

Can you think of how he is recording you? It might not be a phone, but a gadget such as an Amazon dot or a Google home, which he has 'dropped in' on so he gets a live feed of what you are saying. If you can't see it, and it is set to silent notifications,you wouldn't even know it's there if it's hidden.

I’m assuming he used a phone, he’s always had several phones so I didn’t even think anything of it sitting near my desk. But I will check for other devices - thank you for pointing this out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 23:09

Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 23:04

Acting in a way that is threatening and scares you so much you talk about using the door brace the police gave you is illegal!

I know 😢 I’ve really been through some very tough times. The police have been very helpful, but when he attacked me in October they decided against arresting him because he attempted suicide and was admitted to a psychiatric ward. He was told to leave me alone and wasn’t allowed to come to the house but of course he was legally entitled to come back eventually and this is why the DA team gave me the door brace

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 23:14

PaigeMatthews · 22/06/2023 22:25

You dont sound safe. He wont like being found out as a liar. Can you not go anywhere or have someone come to you?

It’s really hit a nerve with him and it’s made him super angry. He projects a lot of stuff anyway but I expect this is the first time he’s heard me call him out for lying! The sad thing is that he always kicks off when our daughter is due to come home (she won’t have anything to do with him and stays with my parents when she’s home). So I can’t really tell if he’s angry about what he’s heard on the recording or if it’s because he knows I’ve got to go and move her back tomorrow and it disrupts me!

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 23:21

Does he have treatment for paranoia, and if so is there any risk he has stopped taking his meds?

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 22/06/2023 23:33

Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 23:21

Does he have treatment for paranoia, and if so is there any risk he has stopped taking his meds?

He’s on pretty strong anti-depressants and he does occasionally stop taking them but I’m not sure if he’s been prescribed anything for paranoia. To be perfectly honest, he takes drugs (classs A & B), plus drinking everyday so his behaviour is very erratic anyway and I have noticed he does experience paranoia in the few days after he’s been taking drugs because that’s when he’s most likely to start accusing me of things I haven’t done.
He did overhear me talking to a guy on the phone the other day but it was my daughter’s gay BF, so completely innocuous but I wonder if that set him off.

OP posts:
IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 22/06/2023 23:33

Hes not paranoid @Thelnebriati .

Hes an abuser and this is classic perp behaviour.