Thoughts on tinder date

JT004 · 2023-06-22T11:23:09+00:00

I’ve met someone on tinder and they seem really nice we went on a date for coffee on Tuesday and then went back to his place and just cuddled and watched tv which is bizarre I know but after they date which lasted 9 hours when I was leaving he said he would like to see me again. The day after the date I messaged him to say have a good day and thanks for the previous night he said he would like to meet up again but later he messaged to say he didn’t want a relationship at the minute as he was going through some grief following death and traumatic experiences which we did touch upon whilst on our date, but said that he liked me and fancied me. I’m confused about the situation and asked if he would like to get to know each other more maybe go for a walk next week and he said yeah he will confirm tomorrow when he gets his rota. Am I overthinking things here I get the feeling maybe he isn’t being honest and can’t tell me he doesn’t like me?

80s · 22/06/2023 12:31

Let's say he's being honest when he says he fancies you but does not want to be in a relationship.
Is that what you want?

Alsobeyondshit · 22/06/2023 12:31

He doesn't really like you and doesn't want a relationship but will shag you if you're up for it

FlibbertyGibbitt · 22/06/2023 12:33

Nine hours ???

Suprima · 22/06/2023 12:35

This sounds like a complete bin fire tbh

‘bizarre’ - no he was building up false intimacy and hoping for a shag out of it. Why on earth would you even go back to a bloke’s place after coffee?

then he trauma dumped you, and wants to take you for a walk around the park like you are something from Borrow My Doggy, before he hits you with the ‘come back to mine’ for some pity sex

It’s just all tragic. nothing about this is charming, romantic or thoughtful, and he sounds pretty mentally unwell at best, or trying to ‘open up to you’ as a tactic. Why do you WANT this man to like you? Don’t you think you deserve better than this?

move onto the next one, and expect better

J0S · 22/06/2023 12:37

What @Suprima . Harsh but true I’m afraid.

fantasmasgoria1 · 22/06/2023 12:43

Just tell him you changed your mind about the walk and don't contact him again.

Original poster

JT004 · 22/06/2023 12:49

I told him adamantly I wouldn’t have sex ever on a second date let alone first. I do like him the date lasted so long because we were talking in depth about ourselves and stupid me agreed to go back to his we literally sat talked he showed me some of his favourite tv shows etc and we got a takeaway. The thing that struck me odd was when we first met he said he likes to be positive and always puts a positive spin on things then as the conversation got deep I could tell he had burried some feelings his parents died young and he comes from a war torn country seeing death etc around him and was in a relationship which was all take and no give. I normally trust my gut and my gut says he’s not into me and just wanted a second opinion. Still don’t know why people say they like you keep you there hours say they want what you went then blow cold. Never mind haha

OP posts:

MaxwellCat · 22/06/2023 12:52

He wants sex at least he was honest

Original poster

JT004 · 22/06/2023 12:54

Yeah but if he wanted sex he would have tried it on which he didn’t that’s what’s confusing me he kissed me and we hugged like I say but that was it like I say it’s confusing as

OP posts:

80s · 22/06/2023 12:56

Doesn't sound that confusing tbh. You said no sex on 1st/2nd date so he's waiting til later. He fancies you, wants sex, does not want a relationship.

Original poster

JT004 · 22/06/2023 12:57

Right now that makes sense

OP posts:

MaxwellCat · 22/06/2023 12:58

A lot of guys don’t mind waiting if they eventually get it it was only a coffee low effort not hard work so why wouldn’t he mind? But he has been upfront many aren’t

Original poster

JT004 · 22/06/2023 12:58

True haha and a takeaway clearly a cheap date me

OP posts:

WorkOfArt · 22/06/2023 12:59

What a waste of time - a cup of coffee and sitting in his house for 9 hours and he doesn’t even want a relationship!

AdviceNeeded22222 · 22/06/2023 13:00

Shag yes - relationship no.
That is the long and short of it basically.

IsThePopeCatholic · 22/06/2023 13:04

Suprima · 22/06/2023 12:35

This sounds like a complete bin fire tbh

‘bizarre’ - no he was building up false intimacy and hoping for a shag out of it. Why on earth would you even go back to a bloke’s place after coffee?

then he trauma dumped you, and wants to take you for a walk around the park like you are something from Borrow My Doggy, before he hits you with the ‘come back to mine’ for some pity sex

It’s just all tragic. nothing about this is charming, romantic or thoughtful, and he sounds pretty mentally unwell at best, or trying to ‘open up to you’ as a tactic. Why do you WANT this man to like you? Don’t you think you deserve better than this?

move onto the next one, and expect better

Harsh but probably true.

Suprima · 22/06/2023 13:09

JT004 · 22/06/2023 12:49

I told him adamantly I wouldn’t have sex ever on a second date let alone first. I do like him the date lasted so long because we were talking in depth about ourselves and stupid me agreed to go back to his we literally sat talked he showed me some of his favourite tv shows etc and we got a takeaway. The thing that struck me odd was when we first met he said he likes to be positive and always puts a positive spin on things then as the conversation got deep I could tell he had burried some feelings his parents died young and he comes from a war torn country seeing death etc around him and was in a relationship which was all take and no give. I normally trust my gut and my gut says he’s not into me and just wanted a second opinion. Still don’t know why people say they like you keep you there hours say they want what you went then blow cold. Never mind haha

A walk isn’t a date, and coffee is barely one (maybe if it’s joined up with a gallery visit or a nice botanical gardens tour).

Dates should also have a start and finish. You meet at x time. You leave. Maybe if you go for drinks you’ll bar hop all night, or whatever. Keeping you out for 9 hours on his shit sofa is just a tactic to make you feel like you have known him for longer, and you feel more comfortable.

The trauma dumping is part of this too. You honestly shouldn’t know anything about his dead parents or relationship problems.

This whole thing is zero effort for him. You saying I won’t have sex on date 1/2/75 isn’t really an issue- all he needs to do is hang around like a bad smell because you are emotionally invested in his absolute non effort.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2023 13:20

If someone makes you feel like posting for advice on a forum after 1 date, just ditch them. A compatible partner will feel nothing but 'YAY!!' right from the off.

80s · 22/06/2023 14:10

Some people have such big issues that they vomit it all out on the first date as that's all they can think about. These people are not in a good place for a relationship.
Some people bring up their issues on the first date because they say whatever comes into their head without wondering if it's a good idea to share so early. These people are likely to be thoughtless/unwise/immature in other ways too. They are not good relationship material.
Some people come out with a sob story on the first date as if they were on Britain's Got Talent, to get you to empathise with them. These people are players.

If you're on a date with someone and you think they're interesting, and you might like a relationship with them, then you try to impress them. Sitting watching TV for hours is not something you do to impress a promising new date.

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/06/2023 14:23

Watchkeys · 22/06/2023 13:20

If someone makes you feel like posting for advice on a forum after 1 date, just ditch them. A compatible partner will feel nothing but 'YAY!!' right from the off.

Agree with this. Your internal alarms are going off which is why you are posting here. And anyone who makes you feel like this after date one means you should move on. He’s probably likes you but doesn’t see it long term so he’s basically lowered your expectations and now he’s waiting to see if you accept his new terms.

Mumofnarnia · 22/06/2023 19:57

JT004 · 22/06/2023 12:54

Yeah but if he wanted sex he would have tried it on which he didn’t that’s what’s confusing me he kissed me and we hugged like I say but that was it like I say it’s confusing as

Some men are happy to wait to get what they want (trust me I’ve been there).
It sounds like he’s after a fwb/ fb situation. Personally I think 9 hours for a first date is far too long and I would never go to someone’s house to cuddle on the sofa for a first date either - in fact it would bore me silly and he definitely wouldn’t be getting a 2nd date.

He’s shown you how he is now. Rather than trying to take you on a proper date, or just leaving it at a coffee date, he has taken you to his place to ‘cuddle on the sofa’! What a catch! Not! Obviously he would have wanted the cuddle to turn into more but didn’t try to push that. However, if he only wants you to go round to his on a first date to cuddle on the sofa, it tells me he has made absolute minimal effort with you and any subsequent dates you have with him will be him either going to your place or you going to his…. Seeing as he doesn’t want a relationship!

Im going on a first date tomorrow and the guy I’m going on this date with has made an effort to actually take me somewhere interesting that he knows I will like. He has put some thought and effort into it. Which is a massive difference to coffee than his place for a cuddle on the sofa I’d say!

Nodinnernogift · 23/06/2023 14:23

@Mumofnarnia you sound so smug. You haven't even met this bloke so why are you taking his 'effort' personally? You think it's because he really likes you? He doesn't know you.

Anyway back to the OP. Listen maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he is full of horseshit. Does it really matter? Because what he is offering you is very little and you should have higher standards than that.

I'd cut off contact now and remind yourself that your standards aee non negotiable.

Suprima · 23/06/2023 16:38

Nodinnernogift · 23/06/2023 14:23

@Mumofnarnia you sound so smug. You haven't even met this bloke so why are you taking his 'effort' personally? You think it's because he really likes you? He doesn't know you.

Anyway back to the OP. Listen maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he is full of horseshit. Does it really matter? Because what he is offering you is very little and you should have higher standards than that.

I'd cut off contact now and remind yourself that your standards aee non negotiable.

You basically go on to reiterate the importance of having high standards in your post- but then kicked off at the thought of a woman explaining what sounds like good male date-planning as smug.

Nothing about her post was smug. He doesn’t know her, no, but likes the look + sound of her so wants to impress. That’s how it should be. Men who want to impress don’t organise cheap coffee dates or dog walks in the park.

Mumofnarnia · 23/06/2023 19:03

Nodinnernogift · 23/06/2023 14:23

@Mumofnarnia you sound so smug. You haven't even met this bloke so why are you taking his 'effort' personally? You think it's because he really likes you? He doesn't know you.

Anyway back to the OP. Listen maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he is full of horseshit. Does it really matter? Because what he is offering you is very little and you should have higher standards than that.

I'd cut off contact now and remind yourself that your standards aee non negotiable.

Whatever 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mumofnarnia · 23/06/2023 19:11

Suprima · 23/06/2023 16:38

You basically go on to reiterate the importance of having high standards in your post- but then kicked off at the thought of a woman explaining what sounds like good male date-planning as smug.

Nothing about her post was smug. He doesn’t know her, no, but likes the look + sound of her so wants to impress. That’s how it should be. Men who want to impress don’t organise cheap coffee dates or dog walks in the park.

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Exactly and my first date went absolutely perfect. I cannot imagine a man who just wants to meet me for coffee and take me back to his place. My date today was amazing, we will be seeing each other again! No smugness from me, just I respect myself enough to know when men are playing me. The guy the op mentions is definitely playing her. I would definitely not have a first date at some stranger’s house so that poster can call me smug all they like, I know the difference between going to someone’s house in the hope the man gets a shag and being treated properly by the right person.