Feel absolutely lost and hopeless - 39 and my life has fallen apart

[roses321]

I don't even know where to start here but I have been in a relationship for the last 5 years. It ended about 6 weeks ago.
I left because things were so painful and affecting my life so much I just couldn't take it anymore.

We bought a house a year ago, we had been engaged for a year before that. I felt like even though things were bad at least my life was progressing, and now it is all gone.

My ex partner would not listen to my side on anything. If I said to him for example "please could you tidy your clothes up, it is really messy and I am really frustrated with asking all the time" he would come back with "well you do x and I don't complain".

It upset me so much because I just didn't have a voice. If I tried to point this out to him he would get personal, telling me all I did all day was obsess and I should get a life.

It's true, I didn't have a life, all I cared about was the relationship because it was arguments every single week - I so badly wanted it to work out.

I found him sexting a year into the relationship, I forgave it.

I found a tampon in his car that wasn't mine or anyone we knew. I overlooked it.
I found viagra in his bag, he told me he used it with me but I am sure I would have known. I overlooked it.
I found him on cam girl websites. I overlooked it.

He told me it was my fault because I was anxious and depressed, and it's true, I was.

I would often walk away from arguments if they got too personal, sometimes they would make me so angry that I wouldn't speak to him for days and I would I suppose use it to push my point. If arguing didn't work then maybe silence would.
I regret it SO much now. I am full of guilt about it.

I feel like if only I had done things differently and been better then I would not have lost my home, my ex and my prospects. I am terrified of being single, never meeting anyone I love so much and never having a family, never being married.

I am so depressed I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I just cry all the time.

He tells me I made my choice and I left, but I did that because his behaviour hurt me so much and he tells me I just make excuses.

Maybe I do? He told me I was mentally ill and needed help, I suffered with depression so maybe he's right? I hoped that when I left it would be better but when I left I don't feel any better I just feel heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do...he doesn't want me back. I am just so lost. I don't even have any friends.

As painful as it feels now, you have done the best thing you possibly could have by leaving this man.
what you are describing is emotional abuse in terms of how he was treating you - making you feel unheard, gaslighting you into thinking you were bringing it all on yourself.

you can build your self esteem now and move on to create a better life.

You are going to look back on this as the first day of the rest of your life. He sounds like a horrible partner, he made you feel like shit, cheated on you, an ignored your needs.

You can have a fresh start. I know 39 will feel old to you but you have so much time and opportunity ahead of you.

Can you take a holiday somewhere you love/have always wanted to go? You are about to go on a wonderful journey. It will feel scary because change is scary, and that might make you feel like you want to go back, but ending this relationship is the right decision.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that 10 years ago, I was you. I also felt utterly lost despite recognising the emotional abuse and cheating meant I had to leave. My ex also told me it was all my fault as I was "depressed and mental". I couldn't see any future afterwards and felt so alone and helpless.
I want to tell you that it will get better. How you feel right now is completely understandable. And there is also the possibility of a happy future after you've processed it all. I'm so much happier now and learnt a lot from that relationship in terms of never repeating it again. I'm now married to someone who truly respects me and has shown me that it's ok to trust again. Take care of yourself and well done for leaving xx

Oh sweetheart xxxxx

I re read your op to find the starting point.

The list of things you forgave, why?
They are what he did wrong.
Now he has the nerve to say you're the one with problems?!

I am SO glad you left. Very well done. You did a good thing there. Now you are tearing down the fantasy. No wonder it hurts xxxx

My advice is to power through and try not to contact him.

Instead, have a look into your emotional issues. Write in your laptop journal all about everything. It will fill the time, you can hash it all out and you will learn.

Alongside this, start to build a life, for you. We all need a balanced, varied life. You are young, it is the perfect time.

I am sorry you are so hurt, but I promise things will get better xxxx

You absolutely did the right thing in leaving your abuser. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor life experience and or previous abuse, were further eroded by this man. This man targeted you deliberately to abuse you; he manipulated and projected his own self onto you (HE is the one who should get a life and stop obsessing) and his abuse of you is ALL on him. None of what happened to you at his hands was your fault.

Why do you feel guilty?. 39 is not old in terms of life's rich pageant either.

Please contact Womens Aid and from that enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme, it is for those who have been in abusive relationships. You can rebuild your life after being abused.

You did the right thing. You say that you felt your life was progressing while you were in a relationship, but it wasn't. Your life wasn't happy. You were with someone who didn't value you, someone you couldn't trust or rely on. Someone who didn't respect you.

Now you've left him (and well done for doing it) your life can and will progress. You can find calm, peace, happiness, you can rebuild yourself and rethink what you want from life. You can, if you want, after a time, find love. Someone who respects and values you.

You have turned your life around. You should be proud of that. And one day before too long you will be celebrating it.

Your life hasn't fallen apart. It was a crumbling, mouldy, infested house of cards and now the way is clear. The crap is gone and you have a fresh start...and next time, you won't put up with a man who can't even clear up his other woman's tampons because you'll know you don't need him, since you built yourself up already.

You have described a truly horribly awful relationship and whilst you will no doubt feel sad about it ending it's the best possible thing that could happen to you.

I'm just really angry because he's messaging me saying I was unpredictable, that I was abusive and that I was constantly full of problems and not happy in myself and that he's not going to let me put that on him anymore. He said he's not going to let me belittle him or make him the problem in my life anymore.
It's true, I probably wasn't happy in myself which is why I felt like I had no choice but to put up with his behaviour.

2 days before we got engaged he went mad at me for wanting to take a bottle of water on a hike on a hot day and I reacted by nearly leaving, I threatened to leave a lot and he told me it was abusive to do that - I do agree I think it was, it was immature but I didn't feel like I could set a boundary any other way.

I wanted him to stop tearing my character apart, by the end I was "mental" and crazy and he told me that no wonder my dad was abusive to me, he feels sorry he had to put up with me.

He's been left in our house and i'm in a house share which I hate. I broke down at my desk at work and had to tell them what was happening so I had to do something, I couldn't have stayed, it would have destroyed my job and my mental health was so bad. I want my garden/house back, I want him to think well of me again, I was so special to him at the start and I feel like I've fucked up.

I feel like I've gone from wearing a ring and having a home and partner to just nothing. And it is devastating.

2 days before we got engaged he went mad at me for wanting to take a bottle of water on a hike on a hot day

Well imagine your whole life wondering what ridiculously trivial thing he’s going to mad about next. You can’t predict it - nobody sane goes mad about a bottle of water on a hike. All you can do is worry about the next fit of temper, which will never be far away. Does that sound like fun? That’s your life if you stay with him.

I always felt like it was me causing it because I would argue.
On that particular occasion he said we could drink from the dogs water bottle and I was adamant I didn't want to do that - it was a long hike and I wanted to take water, it was a hot day. He was annoyed because he wanted to go "now" and I was delaying him.
I got very upset about it though because he just argued... I really don't understand why he wouldn't just say "cool ok, we'll get on before we go" but he says that I just want some "little man" who does everything I want and bows to everything I want. It makes me feel AWFUL... like is that true? Do I really want that? I didn't think I did but it makes me feel awful the whole idea i'm so over bearing that I need a wimp of a man and a real man wouldn't put up with me.

Does your work have an employee assistance programme or similar that would allow you some talking therapy?

Posters on here often recommend 'Why
Does He do that?' By Lundy Bancroft.

Also take a look at this
https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

You have started building your life - it's hard but you have already started

You need to block him as much as possible - his life is falling apart and he may ramp up the abuse as a result

You shouldn't be thinking about what he says , you have proven that he's a nasty piece of work

So you have somewhere to live for now , you have a job - this is all good stuff

You're feeling bad - that's normal

Suggestions above were good

Really sounds like how my ex was treating me before he left me. You deserve better than how this man treated you, no one deserves that. You will drive yourself mad thinking if you'd done something slightly softener you'd still be happy, but despite him trying to blame you it's not all your fault. He doesn't sound like a good guy.

What's probably upsetting you most is that he has used up a lot of your child bearing years. But you still have options! I would go to a firtility clinic for a fertility MOT to see how long they think you've got- single parent by choice is an option in the next couple of years there will be lots of support on here.

But mend that broken heart first and reach out to family and friends xxx

Send him one message, that you aren't interested in blame or explanations etc. You just want the financial situation sorted in good order.

That is all there is to it now.

he says that I just want some "little man" who does everything I want and bows to everything I want.

I've only ever heard "little men" say that, to be honest. A man who isn't prepared to bow to everything his partner wants (as nobody of either sex should do) doesn't tend to stick around in the relationship whinging about it. He just gets on and seeks out a more compatible partner.

It's the kind of thing said by "little men" who feel threatened by any show of independence (again, not something that strong and capable men seem to worry about) and would rather whine and guilt trip than just move on or actually respect their partner.

Besides, he cheated and the dirty bastard didn't even clean up his other woman's tampons...probably left them there to engineer trouble. Clearly he has no problem going against what you want!

He's just saying anything he can think of to make you the bad guy and upset you. Close it off. It's angry, impotent noise.

I was married to a very violent man for 15 years, I had three children that weren't his, so I always worked as I didn't want to give him an excuse to moan about paying for children that were not his. When I decided to leave him, as I had a good job I wanted to keep the house, I had the children. He refused to let me have the house even though I had a better-paying job he would not be able to pay the mortgage. But he told me that as I was rocking the boat by leaving him I just had to take myself to the local council to get housed. I did, as there was a record of his violence, hospital records also had records of the injuries. The council gave me a three-bedroom flat after only 6 weeks of temporary accommodation. When we moved into the flat I had nothing, but I had done this when I left my first husband, so it was fine for us not to have the stress the worry of what mood he was going to be in. The children were much happier without him kicking off for the slightest thing. Not long afterward he lost the house because he couldn't pay the mortgage, but being the spitful arse he was he let in get into a lot of arrears which I was still liable to pay half. He stopped working so he would not have to pay anything off, the house was sold at auction but I still had to pay what was still owed. So my advice would be not to wait 15 years before you leave anyone that treats you badly, always make sure you've got a plan, and money put aside so you can rent somewhere straight away. Make sure your money is separated from his, and ask yourself "Would I let him treat my kids like this, if I wouldn't then why am I letting him treat me this way" I also remember him saying to me that people only treat me the way I let them. I stayed on my own for a few years and got to know me, I had always been married or living with a man. I had by then got a nice little house a car and my job. no one got it for me I got it myself so no one could take it away from me. I am now happily married for 26 years to an amazing man who would chop his hands off then hit me, they do exist they are worth the wait, I was 47 when I met my husband. Don't rush in take your time to get to know someone, I wish you all the luck in the world, and remember you deserve to be treated as a wonderful woman, love and hugs to you.

Wow thank you so much for all the support, it actually has REALLY helped me to see things differently. I appreciate it, i've just been blaming myself so much but I love hearing stories of people who have been through it and come out the other side - it feels like you never will when you are in it.

He sounds like trash x

Yes, we all want a lovely relationship, companionship, safety, and romance, but if all the man can offer is arguments and putdowns, how can being single possibly be worse? He's not providing what we're there for in the first place!!

I suspect that any mental health issues or "unreasonableness" you may have had were caused by living with a vile tempered, lazy and unfaithful man. The thing is that if somebody cares for somebody whom they genuinely believe to have a mental illness they're not usually ringing them and saying they were unpredictable, abusive and constantly full of problems. In fact, I think those things would probably describe his behaviour more accurately than yours.

The thing is I think you might be right... I wasn't perfect I really wasn't, but at the same time he gas lit me a lot, and that really messes with your head to be quite honest. Trying to talk to him was a headfk to be honest, I have tried to apologise and he just tells me i'm making excuses all the time so I think it's best left for my own good.

I'm just really angry because he's messaging me saying I was unpredictable, that I was abusive and that I was constantly full of problems and not happy in myself

Well I'm guessing he wouldn't be the soul of happiness and all chilled and upbeat if he was finding men's intimate items in your car, finding sex performance items that you didn't appear to use with him, caught you sexting another man, and you were "chatting" to male escorts on cams ..... Hmm.

Except he'd probably have gotten rid of you at the first thing, let alone the fourth thing.

He sounds like a cheater and an abuser.

He's just saying anything he can think of to make you the bad guy and upset you. Close it off. It's angry, impotent noise.

Couldn't have put it better than this.

On that particular occasion he said we could drink from the dogs water bottle and I was adamant I didn't want to do that - it was a long hike and I wanted to take water, it was a hot day. He was annoyed because he wanted to go "now" and I was delaying him

What a fucking idiot.

1. You need enough water for everyone present on a hike.

1. Is the dog also drinking out of this??!! A woman on here got a serious disease from unknowingly drinking out of a mug a dog had licked/been given water out of. Life threatening disease. Dogs mouths are not clean. You can't even say, it's been washed, we'll drink first, them the dog and that's it ..m because you never know when someone might need a drink.

So he's an idiotic risk taker, poor hygiene .. and impatient,rash, and unreasonable.

he says that I just want some "little man" who does everything I want and bows to everything I want.

Funny cause that's what he wants.

He doesn't want a partner to ever question or challenge him, he wants a submissive servant, a robot, he wants someone with no voice.

You're not allowed even normal, reasonable input into decisions etc.