Feel absolutely lost and hopeless - 39 and my life has fallen apart

[roses321]

I don't even know where to start here but I have been in a relationship for the last 5 years. It ended about 6 weeks ago.
I left because things were so painful and affecting my life so much I just couldn't take it anymore.

We bought a house a year ago, we had been engaged for a year before that. I felt like even though things were bad at least my life was progressing, and now it is all gone.

My ex partner would not listen to my side on anything. If I said to him for example "please could you tidy your clothes up, it is really messy and I am really frustrated with asking all the time" he would come back with "well you do x and I don't complain".

It upset me so much because I just didn't have a voice. If I tried to point this out to him he would get personal, telling me all I did all day was obsess and I should get a life.

It's true, I didn't have a life, all I cared about was the relationship because it was arguments every single week - I so badly wanted it to work out.

I found him sexting a year into the relationship, I forgave it.

I found a tampon in his car that wasn't mine or anyone we knew. I overlooked it.
I found viagra in his bag, he told me he used it with me but I am sure I would have known. I overlooked it.
I found him on cam girl websites. I overlooked it.

He told me it was my fault because I was anxious and depressed, and it's true, I was.

I would often walk away from arguments if they got too personal, sometimes they would make me so angry that I wouldn't speak to him for days and I would I suppose use it to push my point. If arguing didn't work then maybe silence would.
I regret it SO much now. I am full of guilt about it.

I feel like if only I had done things differently and been better then I would not have lost my home, my ex and my prospects. I am terrified of being single, never meeting anyone I love so much and never having a family, never being married.

I am so depressed I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I just cry all the time.

He tells me I made my choice and I left, but I did that because his behaviour hurt me so much and he tells me I just make excuses.

Maybe I do? He told me I was mentally ill and needed help, I suffered with depression so maybe he's right? I hoped that when I left it would be better but when I left I don't feel any better I just feel heartbroken.

I really don't know what to do...he doesn't want me back. I am just so lost. I don't even have any friends.

Thank you for being angry on my behalf because it feels extremely calming and justifying to read actually. And yes he wanted me to drink out of the dogs water bottle... because he couldn't be bothered to get another one for us to drink out of. The hike was long with steep hills and it was 28c. So yeah... nice isn't he.

Was he also drinking out of a dog's bottle, or just you??

Is it only your health (and dignity) he doesn't give a fk about, or is he equally idiotic and careless about his own health.

He sounds like an all round shit partner.

He also sounds very much like a cheater, and the cam sex ..... Yeah let his next lucky (!) gf deal with him spending money wanking to other women in interactive cam sessions with sex workers. That's cheating too in most people's books.

You are well rid of him.

He's done you a massive favour.

Why's he's still messaging of he doesn't want you back ... Just can't help a bit more abuse and blame. Whatever you've done (very little indeed by the sounds of it), it's not in the same universe as his sterling contributions to the relationship. Cheating sleazy abuser.

It sounds like you really need to build up your social life, get some friends/acquaintances, get some hobbies etc. So you're not in this position totally dependent on only a partner again.

It's not that you have nothing. You now have everything - you have your life and your freedom.

It takes two in any relationship so whatever your issues equally he has to take responsibility. No decent man messes around like that. It may seem the end of the world right now but stand back, don't get sucked back in and keep what self esteem you have and build on it.

Damn right, it's certainly revealed a few issues that I have #codependentlowselfesteem.com

I think your post should be titled. "I'm 39 and my life has just begun"
Thank god you left. It sounds like you had a miserable existence with him, it really does.

Did you buy the house together? Are you on the mortgage?

Yes i'm on the mortgage, my solicitor told me to stop paying it and tell him that i'm not going to claim occupational rent if he pays. He seems to have accepted that but who knows. He's been making a big deal out of me not paying but he basically made my life so miserable i had to leave. He told me that if I didn't contribute to the cleaning (I did clean) and leave things spotless then he'd take me to court and financially damage me for letting the house go into disrepair (no idea how that even makes sense). Meanwhile he left his washing up everywhere and didn't bother tidying anything.
When I went to pick some things up the other day the house was in a disgusting state and filthy, I was so sad to see it like that, I tried so hard to keep it tidy and nice. I wasn't Mary Poppins but I did care about it looking nice.

He basically said I couldn't expect to stay if I didn't contribute to the chores (I did) and that I should go and stay with my family - I recorded his abuse because I thought I was going crazy.

Take your solicitor's advice on how to force a sale.

I spent 15 years married to a similar specimen and I assure you it's not you. I wondered the same myself, but I'm now going out with a lovely man, who hasn't argued with me in ten months, because like me, he can have an adult conversation and regulate his emotions. Honestly you've not realised yet what a lucky escape you've had. Build on your own achievements and self worth, forget this loser. He's an absolutely toxic twat and you're so much better off without him.

Things fall apart so better things can fall into place, one day you will look back and be so relieved to be well rid. This man is showing you what you don't want as in cheating, drama, stress, upset, uncertainty, immaturity etc, etc. Let some other poor soul put up with all that and bloody good luck to them, they will need it.
You however are now free to move on with your life peacefully.
I can recommend a good book that was a great help to me "Getting over your breakup" by Susan Elliot, available on amazon, many fantastic reviews. It totally changed the way l viewed myself and possible potential partners. I was in a very dark place when l bought that book, and the information l gleaned from it was priceless. I was completely heartbroken, fast forward a few months l saw him in the distance and felt absolutely nothing at all, and that will be you, just give yourself time.

Stop blaming yourself its how he has conditioned you to feel. Instead feel brave because you stood up and did something to get out of this awful situation

I would honestly not worry about anything you may have done that he's criticised you for. The reality is that his behaviour was at an unacceptable level. You occasionally got upset of stressed, but that's not calculated or controlling behaviour like his cheating, refusal to let you take water on a hike etc.

I know people sometimes say threatening to leave is abusive, but do you think possibly you said it because on some level you did want to leave when you were treated so badly? I have been in an abusive relationship and found myself saying to my partner that I will leave if that type of behaviour continues. It's pretty understandable to say that when someone is treating you in an abusive way.

You are really better off without this guy. Being married with a house is not worth more than your sanity and happiness. Living in peace away from him is actually the right and better option, even if that's not what Disney movies tell us !

he says that I just want some "little man" who does everything I want and bows to everything I want.

Abusers* *love this strategy, which is to paint things as black-and-white, all-or-nothing propositions. You want EVERYTHING your way.

What you likely really wanted was someone who took your needs and wants into consideration and worked with you to find a solution that works for both of you. Not someone who expected you to give up your own needs uncomplainingly so he had everything the way he wanted without compromising even a tiny bit.

Let me guess… he wanted to leave RIGHT NOW and taking 20 minutes to go get a bottle of water would have meant the day was basically ruined and there was no point even going?

I also imagine the things he said you did and he “didn’t complain about” were actually incredibly minor things that it didn’t occur to you would be an issue for most people? Not something involving a significant compromise or sacrifice on his part?

@roses321

I'm a solo mum by choice - is this something you'd be willing to consider? As another poster suggested, some preliminary fertility tests would give you the current status of your fertility and that might be useful to know for future planning. Don't let this relationship breakdown run your down your fertility clock even further.

Having 'a ring and a home' isn't what life is about. Get therapy (or more therapy) and work on building up your inner self, your confidence and resilience.

You've done a great thing in leaving your abuser. It's massive. You had the strength to do that. Of course, you're going to take time to heal. But you will.

Another good move would be to shut down any thoughts of him, or what he's said. If you remember him saying 'You're this...' tell yourself 'No!' and deliberately think of something else. The days of his opinions counting for anything at all, those days are over.

He was not good for you, but your life and relationship boundaries are so skewed and you couldn't see that. He cheated and was abusive.

But you do sound like you were depressed throughout, threatening to leave all the time, and the silent treatment for days is abusive. So you can work on those parts.

Oh dear I read this and wanted to say don’t waste a single minute of your life thinking about things this man has said to abuse you! I wasted the best years of my life on such a man and I’m in my late fifties now. I’m stuck in a deep depression as a result so please at 39 you have your best years ahead. You’ll get through this 💐