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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sad and embarrassing to be here again

39 replies

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 00:52

Hi, Yes, I am an absolute fool, I have already been through my partner being involved in an emotional affair. He promised to be a better partner, then disrespecting me by ogling other women in my company (not the first time) then, my birthday this morning I get up to find no birthday card, even though he had been out for 3 hours yesterday. (said he couldn't find the right one for me) . I am consistently being let down and don't understand why? Feeling very undervalued and hurt.. Just need a little support right now

OP posts:
Bibonelove · 22/06/2023 01:05

Sending a hug, Give yourself the best Birthday pressie and get rid

Mmhmmn · 22/06/2023 01:53

That's so, so poor on his part.

Happy birthday to you, 🎈 I agree, buy yourself something nice or do something you enjoy. And LTB because he's a shit head and there are nicer ways to spend life than being let down by the people who are meant to care the most.

Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 02:04

Bibonelove · 22/06/2023 01:05

Sending a hug, Give yourself the best Birthday pressie and get rid

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 02:06

Mmhmmn · 22/06/2023 01:53

That's so, so poor on his part.

Happy birthday to you, 🎈 I agree, buy yourself something nice or do something you enjoy. And LTB because he's a shit head and there are nicer ways to spend life than being let down by the people who are meant to care the most.

Thank you, feel so confused why I am treated this way. Your kind words mean a lot xx

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/06/2023 02:22

You said you are constantly let hope and don't understand why?

He is the why! It has nothing to do with you and you can'tchange him, fix him or improve him. He sounds like a selfish asshole who only cares about himself.

Best possible birthday present you could ever give yourself is leaving. It will never change.

MintJulia · 22/06/2023 06:05

He's a self centred arse. Don't waste your time on him. Find yourself someone who does appreciate you.

SauceForTheGoose · 22/06/2023 06:40

Happy Birthday. Try and do something lovely.

He is selfish and disappointing, it is who he is and he's not likely to change.

Probationnotontarget · 22/06/2023 06:42

Do you keep going for the same type of man? Clearly your type isn’t working.

DH knows my expectations and he mainly lives up to them! Set the bar higher and weed out the crap before committing.

Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 06:44

Probationnotontarget · 22/06/2023 06:42

Do you keep going for the same type of man? Clearly your type isn’t working.

DH knows my expectations and he mainly lives up to them! Set the bar higher and weed out the crap before committing.

I have been with him for over 20 years

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 22/06/2023 06:45

Happy birthday!

I am consistently being let down and don't understand why?
because he doesnt care about you. Time to move on.

what was he doing for three hours yesterday?

Thisisbollocksmark · 22/06/2023 06:45

Happy birthday to you.

Please don't let this idiot ruin your day. He doesn't define your worth. Get yourself a lovely treat today. You deserve it.

And really do strongly consider binning this guy off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 06:52

You are convenient to him and he will continue to treat you poorly. Indeed give yourself the best birthday present by ridding yourself of this man.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs, your comment about being together 20 years reflects such thinking. It’s a form of avoidance.

NicholJO · 22/06/2023 07:11

Hi op happy birthday it was my birthday yesterday I didn't want any presents money short ATM I had a nice bath then was downstairs on my own watching tudor history dp had kids upstairs he did me a microwave burger but I enjoyed my day please do something for you he's not going to change you deserve better then this crap excuse of a man

ThursdayFreedom · 22/06/2023 07:19

🥂🍾 🎂 🍰 💐 🥳 Happy Birthday!!

20 years, has he been crap the whole time or is it a relatively new thing?

you're not the one 'to blame' HE is.

I know it's hard after so long, but do seriously consider leaving him. You have the rest of your life to live, don't throw good after bad, sunken cost!!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/06/2023 07:29

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 🎂

How old are you?

Give yourself the best present, freedom and a happy life, visit a solicitor today xx

Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:29

PaigeMatthews · 22/06/2023 06:45

Happy birthday!

I am consistently being let down and don't understand why?
because he doesnt care about you. Time to move on.

what was he doing for three hours yesterday?

He was allegedly shopping for stuff he needed, but came back with nothing

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/06/2023 07:31

I would be very suspicious about that actually. Can you see whether he spent anything?

BriocheBums · 22/06/2023 07:32

He wasn't shopping....

Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:35

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 06:52

You are convenient to him and he will continue to treat you poorly. Indeed give yourself the best birthday present by ridding yourself of this man.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs, your comment about being together 20 years reflects such thinking. It’s a form of avoidance.

Yes, I realise all this, that is why I feel such a fool. What is the meaning of sunken cost?

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:39

ThursdayFreedom · 22/06/2023 07:19

🥂🍾 🎂 🍰 💐 🥳 Happy Birthday!!

20 years, has he been crap the whole time or is it a relatively new thing?

you're not the one 'to blame' HE is.

I know it's hard after so long, but do seriously consider leaving him. You have the rest of your life to live, don't throw good after bad, sunken cost!!

Not entirely all the time, but a good percentage of it, I had already stated that him checking out other women was disrespectful, it stopped for a while then started again. There have been a lot of disrespectful and hurtful things he has done, why I am still here, I really don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:40

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/06/2023 07:31

I would be very suspicious about that actually. Can you see whether he spent anything?

He has his own card

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:42

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/06/2023 07:29

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 🎂

How old are you?

Give yourself the best present, freedom and a happy life, visit a solicitor today xx

62 and unfortunately finically dependent

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:44

BriocheBums · 22/06/2023 07:32

He wasn't shopping....

The same thought crossed my mind too 😥

OP posts:
SoccerStars · 22/06/2023 07:48

Happy birthday!!

He is doing this because he lacks respect and love for you plus he is getting away
with it. As far as he is concerned there’s no consequences to his bad behaviour. I’m not the best at picking cards - takes me ages but even if I was pushed for time I’d grab something! A simple cake and a plain looking card is surely better than no card.

This is deliberate, and may be what you call weaponised incompetence. Where someone pretends to be incapable of basic things so as to absolve themselves from that responsibility. I see it a lot on these boards, men who simply can’t remember to unload the dishwasher or help organise their kids parties.

You’re 62…how old is your partner?

DisquietintheRanks · 22/06/2023 08:04

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 07:42

62 and unfortunately finically dependent

Show quote history

So, 2 choices:

First is leave, and take the financial hit. You could maybe ameliorate this a bit by waiting a year or two and saving.

Second is to stay for the money but prioritise and build your social network. Accept he doesn't care but fill your life with friends that do.

There is no option when he wakes up and treats you well, you understand.