Page 2 | Sad and embarrassing to be here again

Missy66 · 2023-06-21T23:52:16+00:00

Hi, Yes, I am an absolute fool, I have already been through my partner being involved in an emotional affair. He promised to be a better partner, then disrespecting me by ogling other women in my company (not the first time) then, my birthday this morning I get up to find no birthday card, even though he had been out for 3 hours yesterday. (said he couldn't find the right one for me) . I am consistently being let down and don't understand why? Feeling very undervalued and hurt.. Just need a little support right now

Original poster

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 08:09

SoccerStars · 22/06/2023 07:48

Happy birthday!!

He is doing this because he lacks respect and love for you plus he is getting away
with it. As far as he is concerned there’s no consequences to his bad behaviour. I’m not the best at picking cards - takes me ages but even if I was pushed for time I’d grab something! A simple cake and a plain looking card is surely better than no card.

This is deliberate, and may be what you call weaponised incompetence. Where someone pretends to be incapable of basic things so as to absolve themselves from that responsibility. I see it a lot on these boards, men who simply can’t remember to unload the dishwasher or help organise their kids parties.

You’re 62…how old is your partner?

He is 57 and made dozens of promises to work at things, it never materialises. I remember some years ago, being left sat in the bedroom all night while he stood drinking and chatting to the car park attendant at the hotel. I cringe with embarrassment that I have put up with this stuff for so long

OP posts:

TeeBee · 22/06/2023 08:22

After 20 of the same crap, I'm afraid the problem is you. Why are you settling for this shit time and time again? You can see he won't change. You can see the man he is. Make changes. Create some happiness for yourself. However hard it might be, it will be less hard than living a miserable existence. You deserve so much better.

OrbandSpectacle · 22/06/2023 08:27

Obviously you cannot rely on this man for your happiness. Make your own, whether by leaving or treating him merely as a housemate.

WorkOfArt · 22/06/2023 08:36

So no card. Are you likely to get a present or flowers or chocolates? Will he take you out for lunch? Make you a meal? Can you tell him what you would like? (I know it sounds too late. Just asking what usually happens.)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 09:24

missy

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You're likely still there due in part to the above sunk costs fallacy. You perhaps also believe you do not deserve any better from a man. How is it as well you're financially dependent on him?.

Are you married to this man?.

Original poster

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 09:31

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 09:24

missy

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You're likely still there due in part to the above sunk costs fallacy. You perhaps also believe you do not deserve any better from a man. How is it as well you're financially dependent on him?.

Are you married to this man?.

No, not married, he works, I run the home and get a small allowance..

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 09:36

This gets worse and worse. You get a small allowance from him (this in itself is demeaning). You've basically been his housekeeper/domestic for the last 20 years.

Do you have any other form of access to money?. This home he has; it is rented or is there a mortgage?. Are you named on a mortgage?.

GoodChat · 22/06/2023 09:39

I'm guessing no gift or suggestion he takes you out for lunch to make up for it either?

Original poster

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 09:53

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 09:36

This gets worse and worse. You get a small allowance from him (this in itself is demeaning). You've basically been his housekeeper/domestic for the last 20 years.

Do you have any other form of access to money?. This home he has; it is rented or is there a mortgage?. Are you named on a mortgage?.

Not for the whole 20 years, I was working up until just before covid, but he then got a job working away so many days a week, I also have arthritis and would find it hard to work now

OP posts:

Original poster

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 09:54

Missy66 · 22/06/2023 09:53

Not for the whole 20 years, I was working up until just before covid, but he then got a job working away so many days a week, I also have arthritis and would find it hard to work now

Show quote history

Sorry, forgot to say, home is private mortgage

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 23/06/2023 01:22

sunk cost in economic terms is about recognising where money has been spent that can't be recovered and drawing a line under it and moving on.

In this situ which is more important than money, it's actually about sunk time. Not throwing more precious life away on useless arsehole partner if they make you as miserable as they are, just because they've already had 20 years of your life. It's about drawing a line under that part of life to improve future peace of mind and happiness.

Mmhmmn · 23/06/2023 01:25

BriocheBums · 22/06/2023 07:32

He wasn't shopping....

I'd bet he did go with that intention but that his head was up his arse so he couldn't figure what to give you so came back with nothing.

Fraaahnces · 23/06/2023 01:28

Would you be better off on benefits?

HostaLuago · 23/06/2023 02:38

Happy Birthday x

Are you named on the morgage ?

Have you both been married before ? Has he got form for being an unfaithful git ?

I'm sorry he's behaving this way, it apears he's lost respect for you and is being cruel for the sake of it.

I would say do whatever is the easiest for you, make sure you claim what you are entitled to and do as little as possible for him.

Have you both made wills, if your name is not on the house, I'd be careful with trusting him to leave you the property, he sounds a cunt.