what should i do???? please help!

[witchywoo]

6 months ago i found out that my husband of 2 years (we have been together 7 years) had a one night stand with a work mate when i was heavily pregnant with our first child. It actually happened a year and a half ago but he only decided to tell me recently as he thought he had caught a std. As you can imagine i was absolutely devastated! I decided to give our marriage another go as i still love him and had just found out that i was pregnant with our second child. I always beleieved it was totally her fault, chasing after him constantly and he allowed me to think that. Over the past few weeks he has opened up more and more about what actually happened. Although he promises he only slept with her the once (i do believe that!) he admits that he had flirted and kissed her for six months before then.

He assures me that nothing physical or even flirtatious happened after the night they spent together (in my bed!!!!!) but i cant help but think he still had feelings for her and refused to do anthing more, not because he didnt want to but because he knew it was wrong. When she finally left the work place he bought her a pen. He said it was to keep the peace, he was scared she would tell me.

He says he doesnt know why he cheated on me but felt lonely!!!!!!!!!!!! I admit that our relationship was far from perfect while i was pregnant. I lived away from home due to work commitments and we only saw each other at weekends. Dont get me wrong, im not making excuses for what he did, im just very confused. It took him this long to tell me and still i feel more lies are coming out. He assures me that he has told me everything now but to be honest, he has a crap track record!!!! I do love him so much but feel so hurt by his actions. I wasnt good enough for him which is why he did this. How do i know i will be enough in the future. He is a great dad to our daughter and is trying hard to make things up to me, but is it enough????? advice please!!!!!!!!!

Well what do you want? Are you willing to put it all behind you and move on with him?

It is unrealistic to expect a partner to never have feelings for anyone else, but it is realistic to expect them to have control and will power over those feelings and not do anything because they know it is wrong.

If you both want to make the effort involved to stay together then it is possible to get through this and come out feeling closer together at the end of it. I'd imagine trusting him again would be the biggest issue though.

You must both really want this to work. Can you see yourselves together in 5 years time? Have you tried counselling (such as relate) it can really help.
Do you two talk about what has happened and your feelings? Does he know how hurt you are?
And in your bed Shame on him! I couldn't go back in the bed if I knew that.
Be strong and decide what YOU want to do. At the end of the day you need to be happy. Take Care

Relate or some form of couples counselling may be beneficial. People do come through things like this and if they do their relationships are often far stronger as it will tackle the underlying problems in the marriage on both sides.

New Bed, mattress and bedding if it bugs you, I couldn't sleep in it again and it would come out of his money......

and it's your choice; can you cope with it?

Do you trust him to never do it again?

Relate or some form of couples counselling may be beneficial. People do come through things like this and if they do their relationships are often far stronger as it will tackle the underlying problems in the marriage on both sides.

New Bed, mattress and bedding if it bugs you, I couldn't sleep in it again and it would come out of his money......

and it's your choice; can you cope with it?

Do you trust him to never do it again?

how did that happen?

I found out in 2006 while pg aith DC3 that DH had an 'emotional' affair with someome at work.
Like you I was devastated and for a while did not know if I could forgive him and move on.
It has been a long hard road but we came through it, we had aounselling and DH has spent a lot of time and effort trying to right a huge wrong.
Our relationship is better now in some ways as DH knows he has to communicate rather than bottle things up, he laso realises how close he came to losing everything!

If you and DH are both 100% committed to making this work then you can do it, I would siggest counselling though, it was not very helpful fpr me but very good for DH

Thanks for your help and advice. I do want it to work between us. I just hope, in time, i can begin to trust him again. Its lovely to hear positive stories of couples going through this and coming out the other side together!! x x

I hope it works for you, it just does take a long time to get any amount of trust back after such a huge betrayal.

just had a horrible arguement with my husband. Tried to sit down and have a chat about going to relate etc to discuss why ths happened and so on. He completely lost his temper, said he didnt want to talk about it anymore. He knows he has done wrong and im punishing him by making him talk about it. He threatened to hurt himself if i kept on at him and didnt leave the situation alone.

I conversations like this with DH, as far as I see it he has to listen to it!
It soins like a mixture of guilt and afraid of having to confront the consequences of what he as done.

Could you write him a letter explaining how you are feeling and where you would like to go from here, it would not be so in his face then and less likely to end in confrontation.

DH was apprehensive about going to Relate as he thought it would be all about the affair, we actually spoke very little about the affair and more about out marriage,parenting and childhoods.

Hang on in there and stay strong, come and vent here if you are having a c**p 5 minutes!

Why shouldn't you punish him? Does he think that "knowing he did wrong" is enough to make it OK that he had an affair with another woman while you were pregnant?

He threatened to hurt himself? What an utter baby.

Tell him to grow up and face up to what he's done wrong like a man. That means doing what you need him to do to try to fix your marriage. If he can't do that you have other options than staying around listening to pathetic threats like that. Make sure he knows that.

Agree with skid on the threatning to hurt himself thing, sounds like emotional blackmail as is not fair, that should not be laid at your door.

Do you friends/family know?

Of course you're punishing him, he deserves it!

Of course he doesn't want to talk about it anymore- talking about it shows him just what a deceitful,idiot he was and he probably doesn't like what he sees....but tough!!!!
It's not about him any more- he's had that luxury of it being all about him when he chose to sleep with someone else- it's now about YOU and what you need and want.

I agree his threatening to harm himself is a selfish, childish response. It's time to learn he's an adult who has responsibilities and has made committments to you, his choices, his actions have consiquences and now is the time he has to face those consiquences.....that he's put his marriage under threat and if he wants it to repair he has to work with you to get that. The head in the sand, pretend it didn't happen attitude is that of an immature coward.

For you honey it is a necessary part of the healing process to revisit what happened and to try make some sense of it. The worse thing for you (speaking from the same experience) is that his choices with HER were out of your control, you had no say in it, no knowledge of it......he's had all the time with her and since to come to terms with what happened you haven't and you made no choices in that situation. Now you have choices and if it's your choice to talk about it and try to get relate help for your marriage it's his time to put you first!

Hey all, thanks for your messages. Me and husband still not talking. He admitted that although they only slept together once (in the summer) they had kissed at a work do the christmas before. This i knew as my husband had decribed it as a drunken kiss. He now says taht he actually kissed her at our home and nearly slept with her. They got naked in our bed but nothing happened. This now throws everthing up in the air. Everything i thought i knew could now be a lie again. He cant of had feelings for her as she had only just started working with him that december.

As usual he wont talk about it and cant seem to understand that im hurting so much again. How can he expect me to begin to heal when he keeps opening the wounds. Should i walk away from it all and ask no more questions, setting up a new home for my daghter and bump? Or should i give him another chance and wait to be kicked in the stomach again in a few weeks time. I trust him less and less. If he had told me eveything from the beginning then at least there would have been honesty but im not even given that! Im worried that if everything really is out in the open this time, then i would be throwing away our marriage.

As for your questions, yes his family do know (but have never once told him how wrong his actions were- making excuses for him) As for me, nobody knows-my family would never forgive him!!!! I can only tell my family if i decide to def end our marriage. He asked me not to tell anyone else because he is a teacher in a catholic school, so is she. This would have a huge impact on his job! Any advice? my head is hurting so much, everything seems like a daze!!!!!!!!!

From what you are saying he does not sound like he is considering your feelings at at all, no matter what the reasons for him cheating were he f**d up and should be going all out to regain your trust and answer your questions.

As for the not telling people, what a load of codswallop!! He and she should have thought of the impact it would have on their jobs and others before it started!

Only you can decide where to go from here and whether you stay together or not, but just bear in mind that it is going to take two of you to re-build your marriage. If he is not willing to communicate with you (which IMO is the bare minimum he should be doing) then how he is going to begin to work on your marriage.

Has he ever apologised? Are they still in contact?

Had another deep chat last night. Made it very clear to him how his dishonesty is preventing our marriage from moving on. How he has been very selfish and to stop thinking about himself and about his family. He tried to give the old sob story about having no friends, social life, work time etc because of me. I said he could have all the time in the world to go out drinking, gym, work parties etc when he was living back with his parents and not with me!

I dont know what but something seemed to click. Instead of shouting for once, he began to listen. I also suggested your idea of writing things done. I said the key to saving our marriage was honesty and that it would be a long time to trust anything from him again. I explained that i understood it was hard to tell me so he could write down any secrets, lies he still had. That way i could decide to open the envelope or just throw it away- it would be my choice.

Woke up this morning to find an envelope in the kitchen. It said that he had met with her one more time after they slept together. It was at a work do and he sat outside the pub chatting to her. He said although she was very flirty and forward (suggesting sex in her car) he said no, said he was happily married and that she needed to evaluate her life, talk to her husband and try to undderstand why she was behaving like this. (Apparently she has done this several times since my husband) I know..... he sounded like a spokes person for RELATE- why couldnt he be this mature when we sat down for chats with me? Anyway, apparently she just shrugged it all off, said he had a boring life and left. My husband said he kissed her on the cheeck as a final end to the situation and came home.

Although im happy that he chose not to do anything with her, i still dont know why he had to kiss her goodbye. In my mind i think he was still encouraging her. Why didnt he just tell her she was a huge mistake, she needed to sort herself out and stop being such a bitch!!!! (i know, wishful thinking) He is fully aware of how his actions then were inapproprate and what he should have said but didnt. To be honest, apart from with me, he has always had an issue with standing up for what should be said. (As i like to call it.... he needs to grow some balls!!!!) When it all came out 6 mnths ago, he told his mum for support and advice.She then took it upon herself to tell all the family, uncles, aunts, cousins etc. I was fuming but she couldnt see the problem with telling eveyone my busin]ss. Although my husband knows he should have confronted his mum about this he didnt (weak) sorry im going off on a tangent, just a bit fired up this morning!!!!

What the hell you are still doing in this marriage?

This man is a liar and has no respect for you.

You deserve better-take care of yourself.

sounds like he's trying witchywoo even though he's been totally immature. you're right - shame he didn't do his growing up at an earlier stage when he wasn't living with you, a dad etc.

re the kiss on the cheek in the car - sounds like he is a bit of a 'pleaser' - doesn't like others to think badly of him, and enjoys attention. doesn't sound like he's had a good example from his mum though - so indiscreet to tell all the family of this - i'd be mad as hell.

sounds like you know what you want - and don't put up with any more crap from him (or your mil for that matter). stay strong!

Thats it exactly - he is a pleaser! All my friends, family have an image of my husband- so nice, friendly would go out of his way to help you etc. In the past we have argued because he always seems to be the one helping others dig up their garden at the weekend, collect them from the airport etc but we never seem to get this help back. That is why what he has done is soooooo far from his character. should i give him another chance?

Hi here is another one who has had to face this nightmare.

He has been very selfish for what he has done and i do believe he could be very very sorry and is only just realising what he has really done.

True he did know the consequenses at the time but did he really know how everything would turn out - my h has such guilt just about the fact that he just did not think things trough at the time.

There is nothing wrong as such in finding someone else attractive and whilst you were pregnant it was probably easier.

He now needs to give you the space to decide what you want whilst doing everything he can to support you by giving you all the facts. You are strong enough to do this.

Are they still working together? as i really do think that is a bad thing - my h although at first thought he could work with her he found it very hard an hated the way it made him feel - luckily she found it hard too and moved to a different department.

It is up to you who you tell do not let him blackmail you into thinking you will ruin his life if you do - he has made that choice already.

Take care and hope yo feel a bit better soon

No they are not working together. She left her job for a year and returned last summer. As soon as she returned, he left the job. They now work in different schools. He runs the school football club and has asked other members of staff to take the team to matches when its been held at her school. He also wants to leave the area competely as there have been times that ive seen her whilst shopping. He suggests moving close to my parents. im just still very confused!!!!

Happywoman- How long ago did your husband do it? Are you happy now, is your relationship better again? How have you coped with trust, honesty issues?

It sounds as if he is doing some good things and is being as honest as he can (men are so silly sometimes and still want to control what they say as they think it will make things work!!). If you want to make a go of it maybe a move might be the right thing for you to do.

My h affair was a full blown and he left and did come back - whether it was mid-life crisis or whatever - he realised he almost lost everything he had worked for and everything he held dear - his family. It was only then that he started to work on us again.

We have both worked hard at the marriage - we are still in the healing stage and so we have ups and downs but relate helps us both to see that what we are going through is normal.

Trust is a big issue and he is great at helping me to feel more secure - but the hard bit is trusting yourself to not put up with it again and i can understand where you are coming from there.

Try not to look too far ahead - it is up to you to now have the best marriage that is right for you - and you can have that, i do believe you can have a better relationship in some ways. True it will never be the same and there is some sadness that i have lost something - but in return i have gained a husband who knows himself better and would not get into such a mess again (and it really was a huge mess).
We now have more time for each other and do make an effort to keep things alive.

I do somethimes panic that it may not work but at the moment i feel it is good and i cant control the future as so many things can happen.

Good luck and keep posting if it helps.