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Original poster

Not confident to initiate intimacy

37 replies

Julesit · 21/06/2023 13:44

I’ve been with my dp for 8 years, we have children together etc.

one thing that bothers me is sex is only initiated by him. He was my first so I never really had confidence/was shy at the beginning of our relationship - so I guess he took control.

the last year or so I feel I really want to explore my sexuality- just in terms of expressing myself more. We only have sex when he comes on to me which is obviously only when he’s in the mood. This is a mixture of him preferring to be the dominant one and me being too shy.

I’ve tried a few times throughout the years and it’s worked a handful of times (but takes me a lot of courage) but most times I’ve ever tried to initiate he didn’t like it. He just wouldn’t even get hard and would reject me (I believe he had a dominance issue as he’s said he wants to be the one to f*ck me).

the past few months I keep getting extremely turned on for a few weeks in my cycle. All I can think about is sex and waiting for him to come home and coming on to him. But this never happens as I’m not brave enough. I’m scared of the rejection from the past and although he tells me I should let him know when I’m in the mood - I don’t feel comfortable enough.

sex seems to be fine when we do it and whilst doing it I can get quite ‘freaky’ but it’s only ever when he’s in the mood and I’m getting really frustrated. I’ve tried dressing up in lingerie = rejected. I’ve tried more subtle ways like just trying to kiss him = rejected.

im really turned on right now and he’s sitting in bed but I’m not brave enough to go in there and come on to him. It’s getting me to a point where I’m crying with frustration. I have told him about this a few times over the past few months but it seemed to turn into an argument and nothing really changed.

any ideas what I could do

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 21/06/2023 13:57

Get into bed and start sorting yourself out. He'll either join in, in which case yay, or he won't and you can scratch the itch anyway. It is so frustrating when you are with someone with a lower sex drive, I know what it feels like.

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 21/06/2023 14:04

Either he is in a minority or is a control freak.
Dh is never happier than when I make the first move!

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 14:14

I believe he had a dominance issue as he’s said he wants to be the one to fck me*

I think this is quite revealing of his attitude towards women and sex. Some men still think sex is something men do to women rather than being something people do together. Sounds like he's one of them.

Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 14:28

I have told him about this a few times over the past few months but it seemed to turn into an argument and nothing really changed

How does it turn into an argument? You're not going to have a good sex life with someone you can't communicate with.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 21/06/2023 14:57

My ex was like this, he only wanted me when he was in the mood, and expected me to be up for it, but if I initiated not a chance. Just part of a bigger picture of him not giving a shit about my needs.

Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 14:58

I don’t have the confidence to sort myself out in front of him :( it also doesn’t solve the problem for me because it’s not just an orgasm I want, I literally CRAVE the physical intimacy. I really crave having that skin on skin contact, I want to make out, touch etc.

I ended up going and lying down in the bed next to him, in my baggy top and thong like I usually wear. He stayed on his phone for a while, then pulled the covers back to look at my bum, then said ‘let me feel you’ pulled me close and just hugged me to sleep :/

he does that all the time! Says let me feel you but then just hugs me and falls asleep. I didn’t even have the patience to stay there I literally got up and left the room because I’m tired of always waiting on him to make the move when I’m in the mood and then getting disappointed when he doesn’t.

I wouldn’t say I have a higher sex drive. He tends to like it every 3 days - that’s fine with me. Tbh I wasn’t interested in sex for a whole week or so (which tends to happen every cycle after my period) but then I’ll have about 2 weeks when I’m really in the mood.

when I left the room he asked what’s the problem and to tell him but honestly I’m so frustrated at this ‘cycle’ that I just got upset and left and told him I’m fed up of this relationship.

now I know I may look very petty, maybe I should have tried to initiate. He did say ‘is it because I didn’t touch you? If you want to do it just tell me’. But the truth of the matter is that I’ve been rejected so much in the last that I just don’t have the confidence anymore! On top of that he made comments about my body in the past which has stuck with me till now & he’s constantly got women throwing themselves at him. They’re constantly messaging him, telling him that they are attracted to him etc etc.

i really want to experience some lust back in our relationship. I want that sparks of just kissing, to be able to send him a sexy message or a sexy photo now and again. I feel like I can never do that because all these other women have kind of beaten me to that so it wouldn’t even be ‘fun’ or exciting to him as he gets it all the time. He also doesn’t text me at all unless it’s telling me to do something for him. So what’s the point

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 21/06/2023 15:14

Ah this sounds like more than just a small issue. What sort of comments has he made? And messages from other women?!? No!
I think it may be helpful if you sit down, really think about the issues and write down exactly how it makes you feel. Then when you sit down and properly talk (which you clearly need to do) you will have some order to your thoughts.
Is he a good partner?! He's not sounding it tbh...!

Humidititties · 21/06/2023 15:21

Who are all these women messaging him and why hasn't he put a stop to it?

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 15:35

So what’s the point

Quite...

toodlesofoodles · 21/06/2023 15:40

Why are other women messaging him sexy pics 😳

Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 15:49

Why can't you tell him how you feel? What is it that stops you?

Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 15:58

ok so he’s quite popular due to his job so know a lot of people, alot of followers (somewhat an ‘influencer’ on social media). So he gets ALOT of attention. A lot of women trying to message him etc etc. on top of that, he has a ton of young girls and women in real life that message him/flirt with him etc. (the nature of his work place means that he comes into contact with a lot of them).

now I don’t know if people message him sexy pics, but I think it’s happened in the past through his dm requests. I just feel like - with all these women trying to flirt with him, tell him that they are attracted to him etc etc etc that ‘fun’ that we should have, isn’t really fun to him as he gets attention like that alot. I also don’t feel comfortable enough to try and be ‘fun’ or spontaneous and sexy because I feel like other women have beat me to it and it’s nothing special to him. (Purely my assumptions and feelings - he hasn’t said this).

a few years ago he made comments about my body (we were going through a rough time after kids) he made comments such as insulting my looks, my stomach etc. that is obviously not acceptable but was a long time ago but still sticks with me a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 16:00

Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 15:49

Why can't you tell him how you feel? What is it that stops you?

Honestly I just don’t feel comfortable or confident to? I don’t know if that makes sense. He will tell me to tell him how I feel but honestly, any time I’ve tried I’ve been shut down, my feelings have been made ‘irrelevant’, and trying to communicate with him can make him feel stressed

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 16:01

Do you think he cares about how all this makes you feel?

Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 16:03

Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 16:01

Do you think he cares about how all this makes you feel?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

in general he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings with anything. With sex he does seem to want to know what I like/how I feel etc but it doesn’t change much and the cycle still seems to be the same. I still don’t feel I can freely express myself sexually with him

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 16:03

any time I’ve tried I’ve been shut down, my feelings have been made ‘irrelevant’, and trying to communicate with him can make him feel stressed

Well, until you start putting your feelings at the forefront, you're going to keep feeling bad. It really is that simple. If you have a partner who dismisses you, and you stay with them, you have to expect to be, and to feel, dismissed.

Why do you think you should stay with him?

Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 16:53

So he asked me what’s wrong and I told him I’m not happy with our relationship.

he asked if I’m horny - I guess he could sense it. I tend to get frustrated like this when I’m horny. I know it shouldn’t be a ‘guessing game’ and maybe I should just tell him. But so many times he’ll know I’m horny and just completely not give me any. So I feel embarrassed to even say it.

he told me not to masturbate… he doesn’t seem to like me doing that (he doesn’t know I do it sometimes - usually if he hasn’t gotten me there during sex). I think he doesn’t want me to do it because he’ll have sex with me later maybe?

im just tired of this even being an issue. I want to come on to my partner! I want to have some lust back, I want to be able to touch him more often.

OP posts:
toodlesofoodles · 21/06/2023 17:17

Op I'm sorry but what am I reading? He TOLD YOU not to masturbate? Even if you do have sex later, you're not a man who can't get it up after 1 round... if anything it would make you even more in the mood?

Please don't answer if you don't want to but have you ever tried out any sort of dom/sub situation with him because it's almost like he thinks you are in this dynamic but you're unaware that you are. He's dictating when you're allowed sexual pleasure. I have so much ick from what you're saying (especially him insulting your body) I genuinely don't know why you're putting up with this.

Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 17:41

I'm just tired of this even being an issue. I want to come on to my partner

Then find yourself a partner you're comfortable coming onto. What's stopping you?

Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 17:58

toodlesofoodles · 21/06/2023 17:17

Op I'm sorry but what am I reading? He TOLD YOU not to masturbate? Even if you do have sex later, you're not a man who can't get it up after 1 round... if anything it would make you even more in the mood?

Please don't answer if you don't want to but have you ever tried out any sort of dom/sub situation with him because it's almost like he thinks you are in this dynamic but you're unaware that you are. He's dictating when you're allowed sexual pleasure. I have so much ick from what you're saying (especially him insulting your body) I genuinely don't know why you're putting up with this.

Actually, yesterday he made a comment about this. He was re-enacting how he usually comes on to me. How it’s always him taking hold of me and taking me to the bedroom. He even mentioned something about it being dominant/submissive. He asked if I like that. Yes occasionally it’s nice for him to be dominant, pull me to the room and take control. I’m not against that and I’m naturally a submissive person. But I did tell him that I don’t like the dynamic of how we work. He asked if I want to be the one to initiate and I said yes.

nothing came of that conversation and I didn’t think much of it. He just genuinely likes the idea that he is a ‘big guy’ and can easily pick me up and handle me and be the dominant one.

im not sure how to really overcome that

OP posts:
Original poster
Julesit · 21/06/2023 17:59

I have made a list of all the issues I have with our relationship. Surprisingly - or not - I have 66 reasons :)

I am going to be showing him this and actually completely tell him once and for all

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/06/2023 18:07

Don't show him the list. It's nothing to do with him. He just is as he is. Tell him you're not happy, so it's over. That's it. Anything more is drama that he creates; don't get pulled in.

BlockbusterVideoCard · 21/06/2023 19:24

Ugh, I'd be giving this chap the heave-ho. Do you have kids together, or a mortgage or other housing commitment that makes things tricky? If not, I'd get rid ASAP.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/06/2023 19:26

You don't really sound comfortable with him.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 21/06/2023 19:30

Get a vibrator

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