Not confident to initiate intimacy

[Julesit]

I’ve been with my dp for 8 years, we have children together etc.

one thing that bothers me is sex is only initiated by him. He was my first so I never really had confidence/was shy at the beginning of our relationship - so I guess he took control.

the last year or so I feel I really want to explore my sexuality- just in terms of expressing myself more. We only have sex when he comes on to me which is obviously only when he’s in the mood. This is a mixture of him preferring to be the dominant one and me being too shy.

I’ve tried a few times throughout the years and it’s worked a handful of times (but takes me a lot of courage) but most times I’ve ever tried to initiate he didn’t like it. He just wouldn’t even get hard and would reject me (I believe he had a dominance issue as he’s said he wants to be the one to f*ck me).

the past few months I keep getting extremely turned on for a few weeks in my cycle. All I can think about is sex and waiting for him to come home and coming on to him. But this never happens as I’m not brave enough. I’m scared of the rejection from the past and although he tells me I should let him know when I’m in the mood - I don’t feel comfortable enough.

sex seems to be fine when we do it and whilst doing it I can get quite ‘freaky’ but it’s only ever when he’s in the mood and I’m getting really frustrated. I’ve tried dressing up in lingerie = rejected. I’ve tried more subtle ways like just trying to kiss him = rejected.

im really turned on right now and he’s sitting in bed but I’m not brave enough to go in there and come on to him. It’s getting me to a point where I’m crying with frustration. I have told him about this a few times over the past few months but it seemed to turn into an argument and nothing really changed.

any ideas what I could do

*Actually, yesterday he made a comment about this. He was re-enacting how he usually comes on to me. How it’s always him taking hold of me and taking me to the bedroom. He even mentioned something about it being dominant/submissive. He asked if I like that. Yes occasionally it’s nice for him to be dominant, pull me to the room and take control. I’m not against that and I’m naturally a submissive person. But I did tell him that I don’t like the dynamic of how we work. He asked if I want to be the one to initiate and I said yes.

nothing came of that conversation and I didn’t think much of it. He just genuinely likes the idea that he is a ‘big guy’ and can easily pick me up and handle me and be the dominant one.*

I hope this doesn't hold fail but you've told him how you feel. He's not listening. Also my DH is much bigger than I am and could pick me up etc but it doesn't mean he only has sex with me when he wants to.

Your dynamic is worrying.

Bold fail! And it did, of course 🙄

Put some naughty underwear and a blindfold on, and wait for him on the bed

That sorts out the submissive thing, but makes it clear what you want.

personally he needs to be open to letting it flow. You could go all forceful dominatrix on him and invest in a whip and some handcuffs, and show him who’s boss for a change.

OP has said that he doesn't care about her feelings @Happierlife7 Do you really think she should be trying to have sex with him?

I'm amazed you want to have sex with him at all.

Have a wank. It's none of his business what you do with your own body fgs.

if you really want to wind him up / go nuclear, get messaging some sexy guys on social . ..

But ultimately from what you've said of his behaviour, you might need to throw the whole man away.

Why is your partner, whom you have children with receiving lots of messages from other women coming on to him? You need to ask yourself that question. Is he innocent/trustworthy? Why isn't he shutting it down? It's disrespectful that these women are doing that if they know he's in a relationship and it's disrespectful of him to NOT shut it down and cut ties with them.

Sometimes men compartmentalise women. You as the wife and mother are not a sex object as it were. He will have sex with you as and when he sees fit but if you step outside of his image of you and imitate sex he is repulsed.

He won't change, but you can move on and find someone who makes you feel gorgeous and sexy and who you can happily initiate affection as well as sex.

Bloody hell as a man I was always absolutely delighted when my late wife initiated. I can't think of anything more of a turn on to be desired!

Sorry, I was in the middle of something and should really have read the entire thread rather than just the original post. It does sound worrying, he is really chipping away at your confidence here, and honestly sounds like, rather than a mutually loving relationship where you seek to fulfil each other’s desires and sex/love language, he’s setting the tone, without consideration for your feelings remotely. Commenting negatively on your body is awful. He seems to be not so subtly damaging your confidence in various ways, and most likely this is a control thing.

commenting negatively on your body
Not allowing you to initiate
knowing you’re horny (and he does) and enjoying (and he does) seeing you needy and unfulfilled…he’s either dense or he’s getting some kind of kick out of it.
subtly or not so subtly making you feel threatened by other women
thinking only of his pleasure
stopping you from being free and letting sex flow naturally between you.

I mean when you want your partner you do stuff to initiate and show that! It’s weird that he doesn’t want that from you….and I think it’s because he’s damaging your femininity and sexuality.

something I hate to being up but have to, he may not be faithful, therefore it’s easier for him to take it when he wants it from you, and put a stop to you having any control over when that is.

nothing more of a turn off than having to say “I’m horny and want you” than just being able to go with the flow and show that in other ways.

once again, apologies for not reading the whole thread. It seems he’s using coercive control, and sex is a part of that for him.

OP, I stumbled across this. All your threads end abruptly in late June… I hope you’re ok. It sounded like your partner was ramping up the unpleasant behaviours. Stay safe and well x