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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He shuts me down when I’m opening up

29 replies

Dilemma272 · 20/06/2023 23:26

I started dating someone 3 months ago. We talked a lot about hobbies, our work, kids, plans, travel. However , anytime (I tried 3 times so far) I want to open up about something from my past - I had pretty traumatic childhood so when I do I want him to maybe understand me a bit better and my triggers (I don’t need him to be my therapist ). He always shuts me down. Says things like - it’s not the best time, we were having happy conversation, or just changes topic… I told him it makes me feel hurt and like there is depth missing in relationship, but he always says he does want me to open up just choose better moment and also he feels really hurt hearing the story . I feel like I’m shutting down now myself . Any advice? Am I wrong wanting to open up about my past? (I also wanna hear about his !)

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 20/06/2023 23:29

Yeah, he's not wanting things to be Real. Which is fine. But you do want Real.

Kikicoconut · 20/06/2023 23:32

No you’re not wrong at all. The way he’s approaching it isn’t very kind, sorry I’m having a good time now, so put on your happy face and pretend you are too? Is there an exact time you should talk about this kind of thing?

Maybe he has past experiences himself that he doesn’t want reminding of , past trauma, similar or diff to yours, that he maybe wants to forget about. When you say your piece is there a possibility it’s bringing him back to a bad place? He should probably say that if that’s how it is.

You should be able to say whatever, whenever to your partner. It’s quite a new relationship, how invested is he? I know he’s spoken about plans for the future but if he’s shutting down your attempts at real life problems that you had/have ….

Whenwillitallmakesense · 20/06/2023 23:34

In all honesty, if you want to have thar conversation with him, tell him beforehand that you'd like to sit down and discuss something with him and can you please have his full attention.

How long have you been trying to talk to him for?

Personally, I'm not sure I'd be laying out all my childhood trauma and explaining all my triggers after just three months but only you can judge if it's the right time in your new relationship to do this. If he's not prepared to hear you out, then maybe he's not the right one for you and there's no future here, unfortunately.

Original poster
Dilemma272 · 20/06/2023 23:40

I mean for me it’s always part of the dating . Getting to know each other ok deeper level. Never experienced this kind of behaviour . He told me he just want to be enjoying the happy dating and romance. He seems to be fully into me! So don’t think he is just looking for sex or short term thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemma272 · 20/06/2023 23:43

Also I didn’t plan on telling him my whole life story. Just when I felt like it fitted the conversation little bits and pieces… but obviously I couldn’t even say that

OP posts:
SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 23:50

Dilemma272 · 20/06/2023 23:40

I mean for me it’s always part of the dating . Getting to know each other ok deeper level. Never experienced this kind of behaviour . He told me he just want to be enjoying the happy dating and romance. He seems to be fully into me! So don’t think he is just looking for sex or short term thing

Some people are just like that. I know someone who has had a partner for Nearly two decades and he still won’t listen to stuff from her past to do with abuse! This may be partly because he is quite selfish( he generally is) but also in fairness to him she is one to trauma dump - I know this as her friend. And she brings up heavy stuff at random times.

Personally I wouldn’t be putting that on someone at 3 months. Maybe 6 months.
And I don’t think I’d want to listen it from someone else that early on either, but that could be because I’ve had so many friends who overshared that I’m a bit weary of it all. Why the rush to share when he’s unwilling to listen at this stage? He clearly has shown where his boundaries are so maybe just leave it for a while.

It would put my back up if I’ve put up boundaries and someone kept trying to overstep them.

SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 23:59

No you’re not wrong at all. The way he’s approaching it isn’t very kind, sorry I’m having a good time now, so put on your happy face and pretend you are too? Is there an exact time you should talk about this kind of thing?

yes there is a time to talk about things like this, but it can’t just be dumped on people anytime unexpectedly. If you’ve just met someone a few months ago you don’t even know fully what they might be dealing with and perhaps at this point they are triggered by certain subjects but aren’t at the point of sharing why? Or perhaps they’ve been used as an unpaid therapist by too many other people so they’re feeling a bit drained and need a bit more time to recharge before they listen to someone else . 3 months isn’t a long time at all.

also Op doesn’t say she was unhappy. She chose to try and share with him so he could
understand her triggers.

OP, there are so many predatory men who can take your trauma and use it Against you. This man doesn’t sound like he’s one of them but generally speaking it’s not a good idea to be sharing so much so soon.

Gingergirl70 · 20/06/2023 23:59

It's 3 months. He likes you, likes your company, wants to enjoy the first flushes of romance and flirtation. He's obviously not quite ready to go so heavy and deep just yet. I don't see that as a problem but if you do, then there's your answer. You want to talk, he doesn't. You can't force him to listen. Move on or maybe if you really want to talk, do it with a close friend who already knows thus stuff about you or one who you trust enough to talk to. Or maybe consider some counselling to get it all off your chest

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 08:50

It's 3 months, OP. 12 weeks. That's not very long at all.

I have a history of trauma and abuse and so I understand the need for it to be brought into normal conversation as and when it's appropriate. It's part of the story of you and, if you're anything like me, you don't want a big, heavy, sit down conversation about it just a bit of a "well, my mum used to say..." when a particular topic arises.

I dated one man who told me after 8 weeks when I mentioned something quite innocuous (to me) to do with my past that he reacted similarly. When I reflected on it, it was quite innocuous to me but actually quite a big deal to someone who hadn't experienced it!

But it did also point to his general unwillingness to engage in deeper conversations on an emotional level and his unwillingness to accept that women have an 'inner world' that doesn't revolve around just looking pretty! He did get a bit better as time went on but ultimately we split up because, after a while, I realised I just didn't really know him any better than I had after the first 6 weeks and he wasn't really interested in knowing me beyond the superficial.

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 08:53

Gingergirl70 · 20/06/2023 23:59

It's 3 months. He likes you, likes your company, wants to enjoy the first flushes of romance and flirtation. He's obviously not quite ready to go so heavy and deep just yet. I don't see that as a problem but if you do, then there's your answer. You want to talk, he doesn't. You can't force him to listen. Move on or maybe if you really want to talk, do it with a close friend who already knows thus stuff about you or one who you trust enough to talk to. Or maybe consider some counselling to get it all off your chest

It's not really about talking to get it off your chest. It's more that it's there with stories of holidays, past experiences, childhood memories etc. It weaves through your life so no part of it is untouched by it. It underpins all of it. It's a lifelong companion whether you want it to be or not!

It's not about offloading or whatever, it's about someone understanding you as a person.

Mmhmmn · 21/06/2023 09:11

It's a bit odd that he's not at least interested. Even if it feels very heavy and like something he doesn't feel capable of listening to and responding to, to refuse to listen is just odd. Regardless
Of how early it is in the relationship, I'm not sure that shows that he's one for you. Emotionally unavailable?

Original poster
Dilemma272 · 21/06/2023 09:17

Thank you so much you all ☺️ I’m so used to sharing my personal stories once I pass around 2 months (maybe it’s wrong ! But I never got bad reaction and just got the other person opening up about their stories too). You made me realise maybe I’m being too harsh and maybe I’m opening up too quickly. I think I’ll leave it for now and don’t bring it up. I told him this morning and apologised and said I’ll wait him to ask me if he wants to know, because now I got shut down I don’t think I can fully open up again without fear of being rejected. It feels strange tho like I’m not being my authentic self

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 09:38

It feels strange tho like I’m not being my authentic self

Pay heed to your feelings.

Being able to be your authentic self is one of the most important things in a relationship Flowers

I've been with my boyfriend for over 18 months. We'd been friends before hadn't for a few uears and he knew nothing of my past. I would imagine it came as a huge shock because I don't think my 'trauma' is obvious to most people.

I've always been able to he completely open about everything with him. He hasn't judged me or shut me down and he is also very mindful of any triggers.

Frogmila · 21/06/2023 09:56

I have splinters in my arse on this one. I do have past trauma too. Not childhood but like you, it can rear its head in new relationships especially.

On one hand, I would be wary of someone who wants to push for a pretence of the world being all harmless and sunny when part of your makeup comes from it not being so. I wouldn't appreciate being shut up about something important.

However, I think timing and expectation are important when sharing. How and when are you raising these pieces of information and what happens after? Two people I know who had a lot of unresolved trauma spring to mind. One would trauma dump quite extensively on people who didn't know her well, meaning they didn't know how to help and there couldn't really be any other conversation for most of the afternoon/ evening. The other would set up a line of conversation that would lead to her revealing something very traumatic to people she didn't know that well and again, how were they supposed to respond?

Not saying you have been doing either of these things and in an ideal.world a new partner would understand, empathise and accept us fully but it may be better to let him know beforehand that you want to talk about something quite serious that affects you if the relationship is to go anywhere.

Then again, I don't like him just shushing you.

Tough one but I'd say reflect on whether you think you're approaching this right and whether he seems capable of managing life's trickier aspects or whether he's just there for a good time (I don't mean just sex) and if so, decide whether this is enough for you.

Are you getting other support or have you in the past?

AthenaPopodopolous · 21/06/2023 14:12

Some people just don’t want to hear about another’s traumatic past. Just respect that. And why should you tell him everything anyway? You are who you are now in spite of the trauma so maybe park it. Move on with your life with your new boyfriend without the past hindering you.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 14:32

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 08:53

It's not really about talking to get it off your chest. It's more that it's there with stories of holidays, past experiences, childhood memories etc. It weaves through your life so no part of it is untouched by it. It underpins all of it. It's a lifelong companion whether you want it to be or not!

It's not about offloading or whatever, it's about someone understanding you as a person.

Show quote history

Please don't lecture me. 'Get it off your chest' is maybe an unfortunate turn of phrase but if OP is so desperate to talk about childhood traumas right now, right this minute, then I was merely suggesting she found someone who is more open and ready for that. This man is obviously not willing or able to hear her out whenever she wants to reveal stuff at what he thinks are inappropriate moments. That's a fact. She's told us as much.

Dont dare to suggest that im trying to minimse OP's feelings or experiences. I was in no way doing that.

i was merely saying that if she decides to continue in her very new relationship, then these serious conversations might evolve over time,they may not But still wants someone to talk to, I'm just saying there are options of other people to talk to. Is that bad advice? Shall I tell her to keep it all bottled up until her new bf decides to be ready to hear it - which might be never?

Don't presume just because you've been through shit, that you are the only one who has and so only you know how to opine, advise or comment on it.

Lili132 · 21/06/2023 15:01

Gingergirl70 · 20/06/2023 23:59

It's 3 months. He likes you, likes your company, wants to enjoy the first flushes of romance and flirtation. He's obviously not quite ready to go so heavy and deep just yet. I don't see that as a problem but if you do, then there's your answer. You want to talk, he doesn't. You can't force him to listen. Move on or maybe if you really want to talk, do it with a close friend who already knows thus stuff about you or one who you trust enough to talk to. Or maybe consider some counselling to get it all off your chest

It's fine to not be ready for deep conversations in the beginning of relationship. What is not OK is the way he shuts her down. It shows he has little concern for her feelings or very low emotional intelligence. Either way not a good sign.

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 15:07

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 14:32

Please don't lecture me. 'Get it off your chest' is maybe an unfortunate turn of phrase but if OP is so desperate to talk about childhood traumas right now, right this minute, then I was merely suggesting she found someone who is more open and ready for that. This man is obviously not willing or able to hear her out whenever she wants to reveal stuff at what he thinks are inappropriate moments. That's a fact. She's told us as much.

Dont dare to suggest that im trying to minimse OP's feelings or experiences. I was in no way doing that.

i was merely saying that if she decides to continue in her very new relationship, then these serious conversations might evolve over time,they may not But still wants someone to talk to, I'm just saying there are options of other people to talk to. Is that bad advice? Shall I tell her to keep it all bottled up until her new bf decides to be ready to hear it - which might be never?

Don't presume just because you've been through shit, that you are the only one who has and so only you know how to opine, advise or comment on it.

Show quote history

Blimey. I didn't presume or suggest anything. I was offering an explanation that's all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Get a grip 🤣

piedbeauty · 21/06/2023 15:44

I also question the wisdom of opening up to someone who is still effectively a stranger to you. I'd wait.

And I don't like this: and also he feels really hurt hearing the story

He's making your pain and trauma all about him. 🚩 🚩 🚩

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 18:30

@Lili132 where did I say it was OK to shut her down like that?

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 18:34

@GreyCarpet for someone who's desperate to come across as some sort of childhood trauma counsellor, you've got some nice little gaslighting tricks going on there.

I'm surprised you didn't just say 'are you alright, hun?'

You have your opinion, I have mine. If OP is offended by anything I've said, let her say it. I'd appreciate it you could please stop interacting with me now

DisgustingBrother · 21/06/2023 18:39

I'd find 3 months far too soon to be talking about deep rooted childhood trauma.

planthelpadvice · 21/06/2023 18:47

It is possible that it's very triggering for him. He could have significant unresolved trauma in his past. Weird that no one has really mentioned that as a very real possibility.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 18:53

@planthelpadvice

@Kikicoconut @SoccerStars both mention this exact point quite early on in the thread

planthelpadvice · 21/06/2023 18:57

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 18:53

@planthelpadvice

@Kikicoconut @SoccerStars both mention this exact point quite early on in the thread

🤦🏼‍♀️sorry - was skim reading!