He shuts me down when I’m opening up

[Dilemma272]

I started dating someone 3 months ago. We talked a lot about hobbies, our work, kids, plans, travel. However , anytime (I tried 3 times so far) I want to open up about something from my past - I had pretty traumatic childhood so when I do I want him to maybe understand me a bit better and my triggers (I don’t need him to be my therapist ). He always shuts me down. Says things like - it’s not the best time, we were having happy conversation, or just changes topic… I told him it makes me feel hurt and like there is depth missing in relationship, but he always says he does want me to open up just choose better moment and also he feels really hurt hearing the story . I feel like I’m shutting down now myself . Any advice? Am I wrong wanting to open up about my past? (I also wanna hear about his !)

Hey, no need to apologise. Just pointing out that it's been brought up as a possibility.

I could understand if you were opening up a few dates in, but it's now 3 months in.

There are 3 possibilitites here. At least one or more apply to him -

1. He's wrapped up in the experience of dating, rather than dating you as a person. He wants to be lost in his lovely fantasy bubble and not have you pop that for him, and so he's not interested in going beyond that surface level.

Have you watched (500) Days of Summer? From what I remember, he's smitten or besotted with her but doesn't really know her deep down, and she senses that.

2. Some people are too neurotic to handle anyone else's emotions or negative experienced. They get flustered, start getting upset or stressy. The other poor person in their life never feels supported, never feel like they can really share anything of depth with their partner because they know their partner will get huffy or try to shut them down.

3. Some people just don't like doing any emotional labour at all. They are selfish, and relationships are a one way, take-take-take system. You are there to make him feel better and fabulous. You are there to offer comfort, encouragement, sympathy, and support to him, not the other way around.

None of these are not things I'd be looking for in a relationship. I've already had a little of number 2 so would like to avoid that again.

Yes thanks I was thinking hey didn’t I make that point 😂 but yeah the listeners situation/ triggers/state of mind is definitely something many fail to take into consideration. I probably have fallen short on this in the past too but I’m a lot more mindful now.

Op , I would think about binning him
If you can't be your real self, if you have to mute yourself, and pretend to be someone else, how is it going to work? ❣️