Children of divorced parents - what was it really like?

[Cvn]

DH and I have been married for 13 years. We married in our mid-20s but didn't have children for a while so we now have a 3yo and a 7mo.
The marriage has been up and down basically since the start, and now we're at the point where we're living as housemates.
Our days are as follows:
I get up early with the kids, get them sorted for the day, and start the day. DH wakes up around 9am. We might exchange 2 or 3 sentences. He chats to the kids a little or plays with them for a bit, then WFH until dinner time. We eat dinner together. Occasionally it's pleasant but often he's stressed, depressed, tired, and finds the kids overstimulating, so he gets snappy with them. I find aggressive speech really intimidating so I'm on edge throughout dinner. He and I maybe exchange a few more sentences about our days or about something in the news, but we mainly talk to the kids. After dinner we tag team playing with the kids / cleaning up, then are both involved in putting the kids to bed. Both are usually asleep by 8pm. Then he goes back to work until 1 or 2am and I doom scroll in bed until I fall asleep. We used to hang out in the evenings - watch TV or sit it in the garden with a glass of wine - but he doesn't want to any more.
Sometimes we try to talk about the relationship but our resentments are so long-standing and tangled up that we can't figure out how to untangle them. Our communication and conflict styles are very different and that makes any kind of productive conversation difficult. When we married, we practiced the same faith but he has lost his along the way, and it means we now have very different values and worldviews. His faith had also provided the basis for his moral framework so our views on e.g. porn are really out of sync now. It’s all such a mess and I can't see any way out. I'm desperately lonely.
He says he's previously tried to work at the marriage and it was a waste of energy, so now he's going to prioritise his career. He's content to live as housemates and co-parent, but I'm not.
He's great with the kids, and shares the housework and life admin. He just doesn't like me very much or want to spend time with me. Mostly because he's very angry and blames me for his career not going where he wanted it to - there have been times in the past when both of us have prioritised our marriage to the detriment of our careers, but he feels very resentful of that.
If not for the kids, I'd probably call it a day. But I'm torn. They adore him. But I don't want them growing up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like. But equally I don't want them to bear the scars of divorce. They're not exposed to arguing or violence because DH and I hardly talk. I think they have a pretty happy life and feel loved by both of us.
As my friend said, if DH was a real dick, or we were fighting all the time, it would be an easy decision. But he's a generally decent guy, just the marriage has been hard and I think we're not well suited, and that's taken it's toll on both of us.
If you've managed to read this far, and if you're parents divorced when you were a child:
a) how old were you?
b) how did it affect you?
c) what did they do / could they have done to make the divorce less disruptive or upsetting for you?
Thanks in advance! 🙏🏻

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry to those of you for whom the divorce was really painful, and I hope my questions haven't dredged up any difficult memories for you.

It does seem like the consensus is that earlier is better, which I had suspected.

I don't know if we would be able to split amicably, which seems to be a deciding factor in whether it really screws the kids up or not. We can cohabit relatively amicably, albeit without any intimacy or real happiness, but DH has form for becoming angry and vindictive when he feels betrayed by someone.

I have suggested / requested marriage counselling but he thinks it wouldn't work. Plus he's very concerned about the COL crisis and our mortgage coming up for renewal next year, and thinks it would be an unnecessary expense when (from his POV) we could just continue as we are. He is very introverted and seems to need almost nothing from me in terms of friendship, conversation, or time together.

To the PP who suggested he may be depressed - yes. He definitely is, which he also acknowledges. Has been for years. But he won't see the GP, or self-refer to IAPT, or talk to his friends or family about it as he believes it's just due to his circumstances and nobody can help him. It has definitely gotten worse since the birth of DC2.

To the PP who asked why we brought children into this - because it wasn't always like this! We've had arguments, like any couple, and we don't have the emotional tools to deal with them so resentments have slowly built. But it's gotten so much worse in the last year or two. DC2 was unplanned but we were both excited to be expecting her and she is very loved.

I was 6 and my sister 4. It was hard initially and I do remember there being some quite bitter stuff said about the other parent by each parent, not always but I did feel caught in the middle when little.

However, my parents soon turned into really positive co-parenting role models (IMHO). We still went out as a whole family to places, I think it was mainly to split money and so both parents could see us enjoying the day out.

By the time I was in High school I loved having two seperate homes. I had two different lives. My parents are very different to each other and so I was exposed to 2 different ways of living and loved it.

Both parents have gone on to make new families with long term partners and that is also wonderful. I love having a big family and my children have loads of cousins.

I think what made it positive is it happened when we were little and my parents worked on being civil and eventually friends again.

Just on the flip side. My parents didn’t separate/ divorce and I really wish they had.
my dad died but leading up to that my mother was in a toxic relationship for years.
I hated every second of being around my alcoholic, dick head, prick of a father.
they would go to bed separately, often with my mum in a hump, bicker in the mornings, my ‘dad’ was so disengaged from family life.
I wish they would have split at the peak of the arguing when I was around 15, but it went on until way longer until I was early 30’s when they split up and then a few years ago (36) he passed away.
my mother completely changed when they split .she is now so much happier.
I spent my childhood watching 2 very unhappy, incompatible people, strongly dislike, even hate each other. It was not the childhood memories I would wish anyone else to have had. They were at times vile to each other, especially my father to my mum.

I was 11 I think when they finally officially split. They'd been "together for the sake of the children" for a couple of years before that.

The scars I have are from the reasons for the divorce, living with a depressed father and parents who hated each other and - to some extent- from my dad's behaviour post divorce (but sooo much better than living with it full time).

I remember the feeling of overwhelming relief when they split.

I was 7 and due to all the yelling at home it was a massive relief. Also going from having one home to two was nice. 2 Christmases, etc.

We were with my dad every weekend so eve though we spent more days at my mum's house, we saw more of my dad. I would have preferred a more even split but mainly to see more of my dad who was more attentive.

They used to bad mouth each other a lot so I did have pretty bad mental health issues after a while and lots of suicide attempts. I still have a lot of anger towards my parents but not because of the divorce, that was probably the only thing they did right!

My parents splitting up didn’t bother me in the slightest. They never argued, before or after the split. My sister was dragged into it by our mother and she has a lot more resentment and doesn’t get on with our dad. Although she might have been one that anyway as we have very different t personalities.
My advice is never bad mouth the other parent or rely on your children for emotional support.

I was under ten. It was fine. I knew nothing different.

I was 8 and my sibling 7 When we and our mum moved out the family home into another property with her now husband.
As kids we knew our mum was seeing someone else and my mum was sleeping on the sofa anyway so it wasn't a big shock to us that we were moving somewhere else with someone else which I think helped. However I was traumatised about leaving my dad because I honestly thought I'd never see him again and I remember making him a card saying goodbye and I miss you etc. I don't remember the move itself which is crazy because it's the same day I gave my dad his card.

My parents were on talking terms and were amicable throughout, my dad used to have us every other weekend (worked like this because my dad actually worked every other weekend. My dad would come and pick us up on Fridays at my mums come in for a tea before we went to his and it was normally the same when he dropped us back home too, likewise, when my sibling had a club to attend on a sat morning, my mum would pop round for a tea at my dads then take them off to their club for 2 hours then bring them back.

It helps if the parents communicate and no I'll words are said about one another. I never remember either of my parents badmouthing each other, however I do remember my aunty on my dads side badmouthing my mum in front of me and that destroyed my confidence.

I didn't read the whole post, as I got bogged down in your description of your day, but each family is different. How each family handles and communicates with their DC about divorce, how happy they both are after divorce, and how happy the homes are that they go on to provide are completely individual. Whether you meet new partners, move in with them, how well your kids get on with them/their kids, how much money you have to make life comfortable - all of those things are what's important.

Before I had a memory of it, and didn't meet my dad till I was in my 20s. Then went through divorce with mum and step dad at 12ish. It was a relief when they seperated, physical fights etc. My entire childhood was chaotic though so it would be hard to figure out whether it really had much of an impact tbh

15. In the thick of my hormones and just before my GCSE's 👍🏼

I went completely off the rails but that's because of the way they handled it. Their focus wasn't on us but sorting out their new single lives / my mum had an affair so she just disappeared off with him every weekend. I went from having structure and discipline to literally "do what you want and fend for yourself".

However in hindsight them splitting up was 100% the right move. They were toxic and argued horribly in front of us. They actually got on better after the divorce and are now very happy with different partners. I can absolutely see why they did it now I'm an adult but you can't give the gift of hindsight to a teenager.

Make your kids your absolute priority, create some structure in their new lives, stay amicable with your ex and talk to them - they'll be fine x

Thanks for this thread. It's oddly reassuring and makes me feel that all the effort I put into trying to remain positive about their father is worthwhile.
He left us with no warning because he wasn't happy. Now he is moving his best life with a FWB, nights out whenever he wants, and he has not looked back.
I'm the main parent. He is EOW and one night in the week. He has been financially decent but I carry huge bitterness and resentment. Probably unfairly so.
I work hard, extremely hard to hide that side of me from the kids. I inwardly hate him for doing this to his family but it's important for the kids to have a loving relationship with their dad.
Every time I get them up super early for breakfast club so I can leave for work, I curse him when the kids moan about having to go. But I do it inwardly through gritted teeth
This thread reassures me it will be worth it in the end.

@Yupiknowhowthatfeels Just wanted to say you're a rock! And it will be worth it. The unacknowledged labours of love x

Sorry not a response to your question but can you get back on track?

I would book a counsellor and say you will be there, you would prefer it if he attends too but you understand you cannot make him. However your marriage is failing and at some point you will be looking at exiting. So you really want to get back to where you once were.

A divorce is more expensive then counselling.

Personally I would read some books as a starting point - anything by Gottman is heavily research based. I would speak to a Gottman counsellor (more expensive) but they focus on getting you to remember why you got together.
Get out your old photos from the early days. Put in old music from the early days. Anything that is a reminder of why you fell in love with each other.
Gottman talks about resentment - look it up- it kills relationships.
You mention attitude to porn- is this an issue too? I think the affects of porn on the brain (plus the adverts on porn sites) haven’t been recognised yet.

I was fine with my parents separating, they were clearly unhappy, what I hated was the fact my baby brother was ripped away from me, and my mums new boyfriend she met after 2 months (because apparently neither of my parents can apparently ever be single for longer than a bloody week!) basically moved in there and then and abused us.
Kids understand SO much more than you would ever believe, and I believe will always be happier if Mum and Dad are happier. Your situation sounds miserable as sin, and I am betting if you got out and got yourself strong and sorted, your kids will one day appreciate you not showing them the lesson of 'Put up and shut up!'
If you are unhappy, you have one life, one go, make the best of it and always put your kids first, in this case, sorting yourself out and being happy is doing just that, x

The four horseman - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

I find this very useful. I can now identify and modify my thoughts/behaviour.

Much better than living with parents who hated each other. My dad moved aboard and started a new family we had a good relationship but didn't have to go into any blended family situation.

My mum remarried but not until I was at uni so again no blended family. I have step siblings on that side and we are perfectly pleasant to each other but only see each other at family gatherings.

12. Was a massive relief when they finally split up

I agree with PPs that my parents divorcing was the best thing they ever did for my brother and I and should have done it much sooner. Their marriage was terrible for years but they didn't actually divorce until I was in my early teens.

In terms of what they could have done better I think communicate with us, explain and involve us in the process so it was less jarring.

I know you think you're protecting your kids by staying together but even though you don't fight it doesn't mean it won't be affecting them. Kids can sense and atmosphere and you all deserve to be in a happy home.

Best of luck with your decision - it's not easy.

From the other side this seems a bit of an odd expectation to me, it's not malicious. Most acquaintances just talk about the things that are relevant to their conversation, not their entire life story - so the fact they have another child might come up if it happens to have a bearing on what they're talking about, but might not. The fact that they were married before is unlikely to - that's just not the sort of thing most remarried people would bring up.

a) how old were you? - 11, brother 9.
b) how did it affect you? - it didn't, they barely spoke and were unhappy, when the split up they were both happier again and more pleasant to be around.
c) what did they do / could they have done to make the divorce less disruptive or upsetting for you? - nothing, they handled it really well, there was no arguing etc, they had drifted apart, they agreed we went to dads every weekend while we wanted to and he took us out for an activity (swimming/laser quest etc) then dinner almost every Wednesday. He was the higher earner, paid a slightly lower maintenance to mum and stepdad to cover food/utilities etc but he also bought all our clothes and paid for all school trips etc.
At age 12 he bought us a mobile phone so we could keep in touch, especially if we'd decided to stay with mum for a weekend.
They still get on well now when they see each other, both re married. I think they are a great example.

Life's too short to be miserable and kids do notice their parents aren't happy.

a) how old were you?
4
b) how did it affect you?
I don't remember the divorce, but grew up thinking that knowing my parents, they were right to divorce - they were not a good match.
My mother moved several hours away, near her family, so I only saw my dad in the holidays. My mum worked and I was shuttled from one childminder/relative to another. I remember various staircases or other corners where I would sit waiting for my mum to come and get me. We moved round - when we finally settled, my secondary school was the 6th school I'd attended. I was shy and felt like an inconvenient reminder of their mistake (though no-one actually suggested I was). My parents each remarried. My stepdad read me books, took me to the library/swimming/park, showed me star constellations, was endlessly patient and kind and joked around. Probably the best parental role model I had!
c) what did they do / could they have done to make the divorce less disruptive or upsetting for you?
Not moved away from my dad, shared the parenting, not moved around as much if possible. These days I'd also say talk about the children's feelings and get them some counselling/support, especially when they are teenagers.

I was 1 so I don't remember my parents being together at all, so would be similar for your little ones. I'll be honest in that I had a horrible time at times purely due to step parents as well as no communication between my parents (even now 27 years later they won't be in the same room together!🙄) but as long as you always prioritise your children that shouldn't be an issue for you. You obviously can't control what your DH does but I think at least 1 happy home is preferable to a constantly tense one.

In terms of my parents actually being together, I've never questioned it or wished it were any different. It was all I knew. My dad was/is very grumpy whereas my mum was a very upbeat, positive person and I spent the majority of time with my mum which definitely had a positive affect on me in terms of that.

I stayed with my dad every other weekend and packed a suitcase to stay with him. I never minded going there at all, I was so used to the routine. Apparently I used to cry and hate going when I was little, but I have no recollection of this.

These stories - awful. I'm so sorry for those affected.

My parents stayed together and I'm also still married but...

Two years ago my DD now 16 announced she was gay. Last week she said she wasn't so sure anymore.

I was so disappointed...

The most helpful post. What do you want her to do, wish them away?