Does this ever, ever work? Give me some hope!

[Mumoff]

Okay long time lurker, first time poster. Also fully aware I may get roasted in these comments - please try to be gentle!

I’m a single mum to a wonderful almost 4yo DS. His dad has never been in the picture, and so I resolved to do this - and do it well - on my own.

I work full time, and have worked my way up to a decently paid role. DS doesn’t want for anything, is happy, well-adjusted and I think I’m doing a fairly good job. I genuinely was pretty happy with the set up, and don’t really want someone weighing in on my parenting decisions or stepping into a father figure role.

I met a guy about a year ago, and fell absolutely head over heels in love with him. As a person, definitely soulmate material. Didn’t even think something like this existed tbh. The feeling is mutual, and we’ve spent a great deal of time together doing fun, young, coupley things/staying at his. He’s known about DS from the get-go, they’ve met a handful of times and get on like an absolute house on fire.

The problem is this - the guy feels he’s at a totally different stage of life from me. He doesn’t want kids (I don’t want any more either).
We’ve reached a crossroads where he feels like, although he’s not ready yet, at some point he’ll want to move in together or at least have more of a commitment than we have now. He still wants to travel, have fun, be spontaneous etc. I’m on the same page (and have an incredibly supportive extended family set up where DS is comfortable staying with many of them for extended periods, so it’s not like we won’t have the chance to have regular date nights/trips etc) He doesn’t see a way this can work with DS involved, and thinks a longer commitment HAS to = him stepping into a stepfather role forever, which he doesn’t want.

Am I deluded to think I can make this work? I’m really not in this for a father figure for DS, I don’t need or want financial or other support. I really think that if we’d move in, it’s possible for both of us to still do and achieve the things we want without becoming homebodies. Is it possible to still have this young, figuring out life together stage with a young child involved?

I wouldn't even think of moving in with or even dating someone who had an ambivalent attitude to my child. You're just not compatible in that way. If he doesn't want children, then that's fine - you have to accept that means your child, too.

It sounds like he is basically telling you he doesn't think it will work, long-term.

What do YOU want? It sounds like the current arrangements suit you well.

I don't think you could move him in until DS leaves home. If you're both happy with living separately for at least another 15 years and having the kind of relationship you have now (ie probably not seeing each other every day probably more similar to a long distance/ part time bf) then it might work for you. The older your son gets the less he will want or need your bf to be a parent type figure. He sounds more like a fun uncle type character. If you're both happy with it and it doesn't take away from your parenting or attention you're giving to your son then there isn't s problem.

Ps you sound like a great mum xxx

He's basically saying he doesn't want kids, and you have a DC. You can't really work those 2 things and move in together.

Why do you need to live together at all? Plenty of LTR manage (in fact flourish) when the couples have their own homes and share time between the 2 without the domestic drudgery and combining of finances which causes resentment. You maintain your independence and don't have to answer to him and he can flit off and do his things whenever he likes.

Just carry on as you are or I can foresee your son being palmed off to relatives at every opportunity when there is a long weekend/festival/concert/sporting event/holiday that your BF sees as "couples only" time.

In the longer term, however good your DS relationship is with other family members, he may well start to resent 'staying with many of them for extended periods' while you do 'fun, young, coupley things'. As he gets older, he may feel massively excluded and doesn't even get the benefit of a father figure/step dad/role model in his day to day life.

I don't think it will be much fun for you if you're constantly trying to keep up with him and his wants and pretend it won't impact your child. Do you really want all your holidays and free time to be with this guy who wants to be spontaneous? I have been and am in your shoes and actually as kids get older and develop their own interests life becomes busier. It is really hard at this point to maintain the feeling that having a child doesn't take up more time and headspace. Additionally you will WANT to do these things with your child because you start to realise that their childhood is whizzing by and time is shorter than you anticipated.

Add to this the fact that over time the relationship will settle into a slower pace and at that point you will start to realise that you are the one keeping everyone happy and that what you really need is a team player who can enrich your life rather than sap your energy. And not an overgrown child who sulks if he doesn't get his fun fix.

That’s not fair on your young son. You’re saying you want to do young couply holidays and travelling as your son can go and stay with family members. That’s great for an occasional one-off but what about everyday family life? I don’t think you are being realistic. I think it’s good he has been honest with you and you should let him go.

It doesn't sit right with me that there's talk of him moving in one day but he's been very clear he doesn't want to assume any type of fatherly role. It makes me wonder how such a setup would affect your DS, and how that would even work. Maybe you don't want a father figure for DS, but having a man around, one who doesn't want to be his father, might give him a complex and create a hole in his life that he otherwise wouldn't have felt.

Thanks guys.

I think everything you’ve said has been spot on and has been a total wake up call. I’d like to think I’m normally super logical and make good decisions so I’m sure my brain has been clouded by all this love stuff 😅

If you had older teens then this could work but I can't imagine how you can compartmentalise your life for so long, plus it sounds like he would resent you prioritising your child.

Imho... you have had fun times but he's not a keeper. There's much more suitable men out there

You are a package. End of. If he doesn't want to have any father role with your son then he will just be a FWB. If that's what you want - fine.

He doesn’t see a way this can work with DS involved, and thinks a longer commitment HAS to = him stepping into a stepfather role forever, which he doesn’t want.

You've kind of answered your own question, or rather he has.

You have two options .... Not cohabit til son is a young adult.

End relationship.

If he is neither willing to not cohabit til your son is a young adult, or cohabit with your son in the sane household; the relationship is over.

Maybe you could pick it up again in future when your son's older ..... But tbh the fact that you would have to do that (not have a relationship while your son grows up and risk getting into ltrs with other people) means he's not actually your soul mate at all.

Regardless of that issue, it's tough enough on kids to make them live with step parents; without it being one who doesn't even want a household with them in it. It's not fair.

If he's your soul mate, surely he can have a non cohabiting relationship with you for a while too your son grows up. You already said you can see him more than most single parents.

Of course you can't move someone into your home who doesn't want to live with your son, and then spend weeks on holiday while your son stays with family.

Btw I don't believe in soul mates anyway.

It's honeymoon period, oxytocin etc.

There are numerous people we could be attracted to, get on well with, make a relationship with.

He doesn’t see a way this can work

You can't make it work without him on board and he is not on board.

Don't bring someone into your ds' home and life who views him as an inconvenience. This would be so damaging for him to grow up with.

If you had an older teenager due to go off to uni, you could hang on in there and see how it goes. But your little boy is 4! Don’t go off on holidays leaving him.

My mum’s bf never wanted to be a stepfather for me. It often resulted in my mum prioritising her bf over me. One of the many reasons I now resent my mum, so just be aware of the risk and situations you may find yourself in.

Goodness, I'm surprised you even have to ask. This man is being crystal clear that he wants nothing to do with your son and being a family. You should have ended it the very first time he said this. Why would you want a man in your child's life who sees him as nothing but a burden?

I’d keep living apart and just see where you get to

I started a relationship when my youngest was 7 and we still don’t live together now, 11 years later

He does like kids though(including mine) but there is no requirement to live together and my view is if you have kids not to cohabit at all anyway until they are adults, I rarely, if ever, have seen it really work for all concerned.

You can't have him in your life as a separate entity and still live with him, it won't work. He doesn't want to live with a child.

This.

He's not interested in a long term relationship with you. Have you thought that maybe he's using your son as an excuse because he's too much of a coward to be straight with you about how he's feeling?

At least he's being open and honest with you. But I couldn't be with someone even short term who didn't really want to have my child around. I would stop them having any future meetings and I'd fling this one back💐