Does this ever, ever work? Give me some hope!

[Mumoff]

Okay long time lurker, first time poster. Also fully aware I may get roasted in these comments - please try to be gentle!

I’m a single mum to a wonderful almost 4yo DS. His dad has never been in the picture, and so I resolved to do this - and do it well - on my own.

I work full time, and have worked my way up to a decently paid role. DS doesn’t want for anything, is happy, well-adjusted and I think I’m doing a fairly good job. I genuinely was pretty happy with the set up, and don’t really want someone weighing in on my parenting decisions or stepping into a father figure role.

I met a guy about a year ago, and fell absolutely head over heels in love with him. As a person, definitely soulmate material. Didn’t even think something like this existed tbh. The feeling is mutual, and we’ve spent a great deal of time together doing fun, young, coupley things/staying at his. He’s known about DS from the get-go, they’ve met a handful of times and get on like an absolute house on fire.

The problem is this - the guy feels he’s at a totally different stage of life from me. He doesn’t want kids (I don’t want any more either).
We’ve reached a crossroads where he feels like, although he’s not ready yet, at some point he’ll want to move in together or at least have more of a commitment than we have now. He still wants to travel, have fun, be spontaneous etc. I’m on the same page (and have an incredibly supportive extended family set up where DS is comfortable staying with many of them for extended periods, so it’s not like we won’t have the chance to have regular date nights/trips etc) He doesn’t see a way this can work with DS involved, and thinks a longer commitment HAS to = him stepping into a stepfather role forever, which he doesn’t want.

Am I deluded to think I can make this work? I’m really not in this for a father figure for DS, I don’t need or want financial or other support. I really think that if we’d move in, it’s possible for both of us to still do and achieve the things we want without becoming homebodies. Is it possible to still have this young, figuring out life together stage with a young child involved?

You say your child has somewhere to go and stay for extended periods so you and this bloke can go travelling…really? Your child will know that you have palmed him off to go off with some man who doesn’t want kids… just no!

in a sense he is being kind of mature - he clearly likes you, but he is also after a committed, live-in and child-free relationship. He is also aware that being with someone who has a child means becoming a step-parent and there is no way round it. So you two will never be compatible.

sorry OP, I know it sucks :(

With all the childcare in the world you do not have the same level of spontaneity that he has.

He feels that being with you is tying him down.

Time to accept that you had sun with this guy but he is being truthful about him being able to commit to you and wanting someone who is free to be completely spontaneous as he is.

It's sad but better that he has said this now before getting close to your child and then splitting up.

OP you are not compatible. As disappointing as it is you have to face the reality.
You might not want the father figure for your child but your son could feel differently. It's very likely he would gravitate towards your partner as a father figure and would feel rejected by his ambulance and lack of involvement.

Your partner also has a right to live the life he wants and doesn't seem it will be possible with you.

It's very difficult when you really get one with someone but this relationship won't work.

I also cannot see any way in which this is going to work. It is a shame that you both let it go on for so long as obviously it is harder to walk away, but walk away you must.

This 🙌

Yeah and I'd definitely not be rushing leaving my little one with extended family when they that young and definitely not repeatedly. You can do all the crazy stuff when your son is a little bit older but I think you'll regret if you prioritise your BF over your son now ( which is what I think will happen if your BF has his way, if he even know what he wants).

Your son might be 'ok' staying with your family but he will miss his mommy, he needs you x

He's really saying you have to choose
Some women do abandon their children for a charmer. I can't imagine it ever works out well for the mother or child.

I think this is honestly him saying that long term this isn't going to work. He obviously knew you had a child all along but what he didn't know is how he would respond to that situation. I don't have children and it's difficult dating someone who has because you have to accept that you're second place even when you're told you're not.

I'm a lone parent to a young child and won't move a man (however perfect) in with us. I've consigned myself to not having a cohabiting relationship until DD has left home. For me, the risks are too great (of the relationship failing and the loss affecting DD as well as me, the uncomfortable fact that a high proportion of abuse is committed by stepfathers - 17% of women with stepfathers reported childhood abuse in a survey) etc.

DD comes first, followed closely by my financial security which I will never put at risk by having another adult move in (or by pooling resources for a new place or whatever).

Do you have to consider moving in together? You could enjoy the relationship for what it is in the here and now. Have some fun and don't be too serious.

If that doesn't work for you, remember there are more fish in the sea.

It's sad, but just imagine for a moment that (God forbid) your child became ill and needed extensive treatment. You would want to be there for him, extended family just wouldn't work under those circumstances. Your man would resent you being elsewhere and distracted and having to be there for your son. Which would be horrible for everyone concerned.

Give him up. There are other men out there, but you only have the one son.

Date nights, odd weekend away is fine. But travelling and long holidays? No! I don’t think it’ll work.
I couldn’t be with someone who viewed my child as an inconvenience. At least he’s been honest about it, rather than get involved and then change his mind.