Don't know what to do - Advice?

[NameChangedAgain12]

I don't know where to start. DP and I have been together 9 years. Not married, no children. I moved into his house and mortgage will be paid off in next couple of years.

I am not named on the deeds. I work 30 hours per week and my salary is 30,000 per annum. DP earns significantly more hence why I was never added to the mortgage.

Excuse my simplistic language, I'm trying not to out myself but equally I've been naive all this time with regards to the housing situation.

I pay £500 per month contribution to bills/mortgage and food, which means I put some aside each month for myself into savings. Prior to this job I earned minimum wage as a receptionist.. please don't judge me, I've suffered with depression most of my life but in recent years it has become severe. I do have a degree, but my poor MH means I haven't used it unfortunately.

DP was aware of my MH at the beginning, and that at the time of meeting I was working in a role earning minimum wage and this wasn't going to change anytime soon.

He isn't always nice to me .. by this I mean, arguing and shouting at me when drunk, I try not to retaliate but he sometimes calls me stupid which is when I will try and stick up for myself. He drinks most days. The last time he was drunk he implied I had no skills and would be 'fucked' without him. For some reason this upset me a lot, as I worked very hard to get my current role which pays more than I have ever earned.

He has asked me to contribute £300 more per month and I am ok with this but I am starting to really worry about my future since I do not have any legal rights to stay here. DP says he will never kick me out, but I appreciate the difference in earnings and with the drinking and the way he speaks to me sometimes, it's all just a huge worry.

I want to point out that he only shouts sometimes, unfortunately mostly on holiday which kind of ruins the holiday for me.. the rest of the time we get on fine and i enjoy his company. We haven't had sex for a few years because my mental health had killed my sex drive. I also took Sertraline for 9 months and I think this contributed to the loss of sex drive. I feel awful for this. I also think he has the right to split up with my over it.

The reason for my post is I did put myself on the list for social housing a while ago as I was not sure if we would stay together, and I was worried about the mortgage situation. I kind of considered it a back up plan. But I have been offered a flat and now I do not know what to do.

I have felt very lonely for a long time (I am estranged from my family) and I really worry this will get worse if I split up with DP - however moving into a HA flat will give me security and I will not have to worry about the mortgage situation.

Apologies for coming across as stupid, I'm really not it's just that I've been battered with depression for so long.
Thanks for reading

Definitely definitely take the flat.

Do not give him the extra money.
He is abusive - please speak to Women's Aid and Shelter as soon as you can. You will not be expected to stay with an abusive partner.

Oh OP you poor thing. Take the flat - it sounds like just what you need to get away from this horrible man. He isn’t treating you well and I wouldn’t be surprised if your MH difficulties improved if you got away from him!

Also, you don’t sound stupid in the least. You sound like a woman doing her absolute best under difficult circumstances. I really wish you well x

You know what to do.

£30k working 30 hours is a very decent wage so congratulate yourself on that.

Absolutely leap at the chance to have a flat. The bloke isn’t even a boyfriend he’s your landlord/housemate and he’s shit. No argument needed, just pack and move out. Enjoy peace and freedom.

I've been in your position and it's horrible not having any security. Please take the flat and don't doubt yourself.

Wow. You are very lucky to get this flat. It must be a good sign. I would take it if I were in your situation. Your relationship won’t change and this is your chance to be happy.

He’s chipped away at your self esteem.
You are not stupid and this is a chance to regain some control over your own life again.

Only you can decide but there will be lots of help advice and support out there.

Please take the flat. He's not a kind person and you deserve so much better. Get yourself away, and onto your own two feet in the knowledge that you are valid, your opinions matter, you are heard, and you are worthy of happiness, and respect. ☺️

Thank you. I've not yet been offered the flat officially, but it seems hopeful and I was asked to go and look at the area yesterday and confirm I was interested (which I did). It's miles away but I realise these properties are like gold dust and I would be prepared to commute. Just an anxious day of waiting to hear something from the housing association.
I can't even think about the fear and anxiety I'll feel if I do get a formal offer.

Please take the flat. You have no future with this man, certainly not a secure or happy one.

Get the flat, enjoy your job and work on building a social life.

Take the flat. 30k salary and your own home will give you a nice life with no angry shouty drunk bloke making you miserable.
Good luck!

Take the flat. Make new friends, find a nicer boyfriend!

You mention fear if you get an offer- it is easy for me to say "don't be afraid",
So what I would say is don't tell him.
Just accept the offer and go.

Look forward to your new life in your own home!

Also please be gentle with yourself. You have been ill. Don't beat yourself up

Definitely take the flat

I feel like this is your 'sliding doors' moment OP, please don't look back in a years time and wish you'd taken the opportunity to change your life, take the flat if it's offered! I guarantee you will regret it forever if you don't, HA/council tenancies are like gold dust these days and you would be setting yourself up with secure housing for life, honestly you'd be a fool to turn it down, especially in your circumstances. His promises to never kick you out are meaningless and you have absolutely no rights or security living in his house. That flat could be your new start, grab it with both hands and don't look back

Take the flat and rebuild your life. This drunkard man targeted you deliberately to abuse you. Such men hate women, all of them.

i would urge you to look at and do the Freedom program, this is for people who have been in abusive relationships.

I hope you're offered the flat - if you are, grab it with both hands.

What is it you're frightened of - telling him? Living on your own? He sounds horrible - you'll feel like you're on holiday if you move out.

As for your family, don't think of taking their views into account. If they want you to stay in an abusive relationship, that tells you everything.

Take the flat.

Your mental health will improve! (But definitely get some counselling)

And your money and home will be all yours.

Please take the flat. Hope you're okay x

@OhComeOnFFS fear of telling him, fear of being alone. I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I have dark thoughts and having someone there really helps. He doesn't know that I have dark thoughts, I don't want to cause aggro or stress by talking about that.
My family would tell me to stay and advise me that this is the best option. They have never cared about me though. My first boyfriend hit me (I was 17) and when I told them they laughed. I'm pathetic.

You sound quite down and are being hard on yourself.
You are earning a good wage and seem to be sorting yourself out so take the flat and get excited about your new life.

I want to point out that he only shouts sometimes.

Do you know how many times my husband has drunkenly shouted at me? Zero. That's the only number that I would accept. This man doesn't like you.

sounds like you have dine do much yourself to improve yourself. You don't need him.

You have dark thoughts because you’re in an abusive relationship. End it, take the flat, unfuck yourself.