Don't know what to do - Advice?

[NameChangedAgain12]

I don't know where to start. DP and I have been together 9 years. Not married, no children. I moved into his house and mortgage will be paid off in next couple of years.

I am not named on the deeds. I work 30 hours per week and my salary is 30,000 per annum. DP earns significantly more hence why I was never added to the mortgage.

Excuse my simplistic language, I'm trying not to out myself but equally I've been naive all this time with regards to the housing situation.

I pay £500 per month contribution to bills/mortgage and food, which means I put some aside each month for myself into savings. Prior to this job I earned minimum wage as a receptionist.. please don't judge me, I've suffered with depression most of my life but in recent years it has become severe. I do have a degree, but my poor MH means I haven't used it unfortunately.

DP was aware of my MH at the beginning, and that at the time of meeting I was working in a role earning minimum wage and this wasn't going to change anytime soon.

He isn't always nice to me .. by this I mean, arguing and shouting at me when drunk, I try not to retaliate but he sometimes calls me stupid which is when I will try and stick up for myself. He drinks most days. The last time he was drunk he implied I had no skills and would be 'fucked' without him. For some reason this upset me a lot, as I worked very hard to get my current role which pays more than I have ever earned.

He has asked me to contribute £300 more per month and I am ok with this but I am starting to really worry about my future since I do not have any legal rights to stay here. DP says he will never kick me out, but I appreciate the difference in earnings and with the drinking and the way he speaks to me sometimes, it's all just a huge worry.

I want to point out that he only shouts sometimes, unfortunately mostly on holiday which kind of ruins the holiday for me.. the rest of the time we get on fine and i enjoy his company. We haven't had sex for a few years because my mental health had killed my sex drive. I also took Sertraline for 9 months and I think this contributed to the loss of sex drive. I feel awful for this. I also think he has the right to split up with my over it.

The reason for my post is I did put myself on the list for social housing a while ago as I was not sure if we would stay together, and I was worried about the mortgage situation. I kind of considered it a back up plan. But I have been offered a flat and now I do not know what to do.

I have felt very lonely for a long time (I am estranged from my family) and I really worry this will get worse if I split up with DP - however moving into a HA flat will give me security and I will not have to worry about the mortgage situation.

Apologies for coming across as stupid, I'm really not it's just that I've been battered with depression for so long.
Thanks for reading

You are not pathetic at all, you’ve been abused and otherwise mistreated first off by family and then these men. The perpetrators of the abuse are the ones who are pathetic, not you.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now.

Your family could not give a monkeys about you and they would not be acting in your best interests if they advised you to stay. It’s just as well you are estranged from them. You do not need their approval, not that they’d ever give you this anyway.

If you can, try and embrace being alone. Try and frame it as an opportunity to rebuild your life, away from this man who is treating you badly. You deserve more, better. Your mental health will probably improve drastically when you move away from him. Please do this @NameChangedAgain12 , don't miss the opportunity. You will be ok 💐

He should not have ever shouted at you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Please don't let this opportunity pass. Accept the flat and be gentle with yourself. Good things will follow.

OK here is your simple plan:

1. Accept the flat
2. Contact Women’s Aid who will help you create a safe exit plan
3. Go to the GP and ask for robust treatment for your chronic and debilitating depression

And some facts for you to repeat to yourself until you believe them:

1. I deserve to live in peace, freedom and contentment
2. I deserve to be treated kindly and compassionately by every single person I choose to have in my life, no exceptions
3. I am not pathetic, and I never deserved the abuse I have been subjected to
4. My life is worthwhile, I am worthy of happiness, and I can be happy

Come on girl, you can do this! That flat should feel like a liberating gift from the universe, telling you to free yourself! Take it!

Take that flat. Secure tenancy is social housing is like gold dust.

Take it lovely. You have no security at the moment and a bloke who can turn on you and throw you out. I would do it all without mentioning it personally and leave when he's away/out if that's possible and leave a note. You will regret it if you don't

Im going to bet on one thing, this bloke will not be heartbroken, angry probably yes but within 3 months he will have found some other person to fill the space and top up his income.

Take the flat I have a feeling your MH will improve when you escape from his clutches, and without a contribution of £800, your household expenses including rent will likely be less
Freedom and peace of mind are priceless and I think your confidence will improve without his bullying
When you feel ready, you can take steps to increase your social circle if you'd like to

100% take the flat.

This!

A few years ago one of my friends was in a similar situation to you. I and several other friends advised her to move from where she was living at the time to a HA flat,
It ment she did not have to worry about trying to get a mortgage and had long term security with her housing. She has been very happy since she moved to their.

In your case I would take a ha flat. The man your with is just using you to keep his bills paid.
Your not on the deeds of his house. You don't even a rent agreement with him as his lodger.
In fact you been helping him pay his bills for the last few years and now he wants more money. Your already giving him £500 a month and now he wants another £300
Your mh has not been good but he is giving out to you for not having a better job.
He is horrible and he is making you feel worse not better.
Despite your mental health your holding down a 30 hour a week job and earning £30k and that's good for you.

Just tell him that you got a new place to live in and you have decided to end things with him as it's not working out. If he gets nasty I would just say I am sure the tax man would like to know about the rent I paid here over the past few years.

When you take your ha flat you will be paying your own rent and have you own housing security. In fact I say financial you will be better off. So put this extra money into a pension so you will have a nice retirement. I hope you will be very happy in your new home.

You said it yourself - your family would tell you to stay, but they don't care about you!!

Please take this chance - you have a good job/good salary - he seems to offer you NOTHING & in fact, wants to take more money/your time - whilst you have no intimacy/zero protection..

This is your chance!!

Says it all better than I could

Move into the flat. If the commute is too much you can look for another job.
You can do this.

You're not pathetic, you've got a well paying jib , despite having some difficulties.
You've got yourself a flat.
Believe me , living on your own out of an abusive relationship will be fine.

Another person saying “ take the flat “. Sign the tenancy and pay the deposit as soon as you can.

If you were my friend I’d advise you not to tell your partner until you have the keys and can move in. Because it’s sounds like he will be aggressive and threatening to you when you say that you are leaving.

Remember that you have no rights to stay in his flat and no right to any notice . So if you tell him in advance , he could throw you out and you could end up in a BnB / hotel until you get your new place.

You are not legally obliged to give him any notice as all.

I also think that once you are settled in your new home and away from him, your MH will improve and you might be able to go for promotion or get more hours at your existing job.

If you find the commuting too much, you can ask the housing Association to put you on a transfer list for an exchange.

Wonderful advice from @Sensibletrousers :

“OK here is your simple plan:

1. Accept the flat
2. Contact Women’s Aid who will help you create a safe exit plan
3. Go to the GP and ask for robust treatment for your chronic and debilitating depression

And some facts for you to repeat to yourself until you believe them:

1. I deserve to live in peace, freedom and contentment
2. I deserve to be treated kindly and compassionately by every single person I choose to have in my life, no exceptions
3. I am not pathetic, and I never deserved the abuse I have been subjected to
4. My life is worthwhile, I am worthy of happiness, and I can be happy

Come on girl, you can do this! That flat should feel like a liberating gift from the universe, telling you to free yourself! Take it!”

Buy the book Feel the Fear and do it anyway. It may help you. I hope so.

Absolutely, take the flat! You can do it OP!

Please take that flat.

What an enormous blessing and piece of good luck for it to come your way.

You are so vulnerable living with him.

You have no idea how many older women end up homeless in hostels, through believing abusive men.

Do not tell him a word about this.

Contact Women's aid for support.

Tell the HA that you are trying to flee domestic abuse.

He is not a good man.

You are one drink or bout of temper from being thrown out.

This flat is a precious gift.

Take it and ask for help.

You can do this.

Have contacted the HA today but not heard anything back. I think the officer works part time so should hear something tomorrow. If by any chance it falls through I have a plan B but it potentially means leaving my job (moving out of the area) unless I can get a transfer which might be possible. I'm terrified in case they offer me the flat but at the same time grateful and can't believe my luck. Very mixed feelings. I'm sure I'll feel more grateful once I'm passed the fear. At the same time I'm prepared for them to say no after all. I'll wait and see what happens tomorrow. I just want someone to hold my hand through it.
Normally I'd be waiting for him to come home around this time. What am I going to do when no one comes home anymore.

You're not pathetic because your boyfriend hit you!!! Your family are the pathetic ones for not supporting you. Im so sorry your confidence has been shattered.

You are worried about being lonely but nothing is more lonely than being with someone who doesn't treat you well. This reads like an abusive situation that won't get better and the flat will be a life line.

DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THE FLAT UNTIL YOU HAVE IT, and are ready to move in and have already moved your stuff in. There is no need to tell him face to face but if you feel you must do, tell him in a public place for your own safety- even if he hasn't beaten you get there is always a first time.

If you think he might be a nice guy and the relationship is worth saving, then you can still move out and tell him that living in his home is putting too much pressure on you and you need a sense of security and seeing as he didn't want to marry you or put you on the house you need your own place and own space. This doesn't have to mean ending the relationship (although tbh I think you should but you might now be ready for that).

If I didn't ever put my partner on my flat but expected them to pay for it and didn't marry them, I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted to get their own place instead. Everyone needs housing security.

So I don't want to diminish your mental health problems, but I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them went away when you don't live with this man.

Also, you worry about loneliness but when you're free in your own place, the whole world is open up for you to meet more people and build new relationships

Take the flat - just say yes, you can deal with moving into it in due course. Everyone deserves to be at peace in their own home. To not be shouted at. To not feel afraid. If you need to get some counselling to be able to then move out then invest in getting that support so you can take this brave step.