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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel quite upset

39 replies

northshield · 22/02/2008 13:06

I meet every week with a group of 10 friends and we theoretically take it in turns to host this the coffee and cakes. However, this often takes place at my house because it is larger than most of the others and involves quite a bit of preparation for so many people who each bring 1, 2 or 3 children.

We met earlier this week and one member of this group let slip that another mother had held a birthday party for her son a couple of weeks ago. She was very embarassed when I said that we hadn't been invited because she had made the assumption that we had been invited because everyone else was there. I'm very upset to discover this especially as this mother regularly comes to my house with her 3 children for coffee with the others and she also brought her 3 children to my dcs birthday parties in the summer. I don't think this was an oversight because looking back she was very quick to change the subject when her ds's birthday was mentioned and now I know why. Just a rant really.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 22/02/2008 13:10

Aw, that is hurtful

I would probably just be a little bit cooler with her, and see whether any explanation emerges. But I am crap at social niceties and interpersonal relations. I sympathise though, it's a nasty feeling to be left out and not know why.

platesmasher · 22/02/2008 13:17

I think this is the downside of 'group' friends. Sounds like she has a problem with you (it's probably her problem, not yours ie. jealousy) but how annoying she continues to come to your house when everybody else is there so she can speak to the others.
Groups of friends are a nightmare because it just isn't possible for everybody to get on.
So when is your DC's birthday party that you won't be inviting her to?

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 13:20

Oh how hurtful

Can you think of any reason why she might not have invited you?

She happily comes to your house though, so I can see no reason why she wouldn't have asked you

I would have to ask her why the kids weren't invited, or I would stop asking her to your house. But then I am very stubborn like that.

MrsMacaroon · 22/02/2008 15:44

is there another friend within the group who knows her better who you could ask if there's a problem?

Twiglett · 22/02/2008 15:46

she doesn't like you or her child doesn't like yours

Twiglett · 22/02/2008 15:47

I think it's horrible and I'm not surprised you're upset

but I would at your next coffee group meeting (at your house) say 'oh did you have a nice party then xxxx?' in front of everybody

Twiglett · 22/02/2008 15:48

how old are the children

and how many children do you have?

Original poster
northshield · 22/02/2008 18:39

The children are all pre-school age, both hers and mine. The children all seem to get on alright and I think that she probably doesn't like me very much because she never contacts me other to find out where coffee is if she doesn't know. I had my suspicions that she might be a bit envious because I live in a much nicer/larger house than hers in a more desireable part of the town but then I told myself this was stupid because people don't choose their friends on the basis of things like that, well I don't anyway. I think I'm a bit surprised though that she feels she can accept my hospitality like this and then exclude us from the party.

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 22/02/2008 19:23

what a knob.

mumof2fabkids · 22/02/2008 22:41

Ironically, this happened to my 9 yr old dd today and she's really hurt too. The other girl told my little one it was because she gets invited to every party,so I think she's trying to put dd in her place cos she feels jealous. This type of behaviour doesn't hurt any less as we get older. At our age, we should choose our friends and not let people we don't like very much anyway treat us like this, I'd dump the group as they obviously all knew about it anyway and didn't have the decency to tell you. Cheeky sods, bit 2 faced of them to come to your house all the time aswell grrrrrr

littlewoman · 23/02/2008 02:52

Bitch

Freckle · 23/02/2008 08:29

Rather stupid of her to exclude you and not the others because obviously the party would get mentioned and you'd find out. So she's either very stupid or a complete bitch.

Either way, I would not have her in my house. Next time she calls to find out where coffee is tell her it's at your house but unfortunately she isn't invited.

And I'd find a new group of friends because, whatever happens, the dynamics of the group will have changed irrevocably with some taking your side and others taking hers.

Lotstodo · 23/02/2008 08:56

I would never give her the pleasure of seeing me act the way she does. Be yourself, be nice to everyone, be hospitable to the children and mums as usual. I can't believe that everyone within that group thinks that how she is treating you is the correct way to behave. In fact, they know she is wrong - just wait until it backfires on her. If you exclude her from coffee, as much as it hurts, you will be no better than her and this is her insecurity, remember. Just put your toes in the water for some nicer friends and everything changes again unfortunately when they go to school and you meet the primary school mafia. See this as good training! I worked until I had my third child and I went from holding conferences for hundreds of people to absolutely dreading walking into that mother and toddler group to be snubbed yet again every week. She is a bitch though and is abusing your hospitality which hurts.

Kimi · 23/02/2008 08:57

I agree with Freckle.
Birthday party's are a mine field though, we always invited the whole class until our DC had built up proper friendships, DS2 still likes to invite everyone though but DS1 will have 5 or 6 friends and go bowling/pizza/laserquest type things now, he is 11 so I think age comes in to it too.

Some parents can be real bitches though, I remember someone in DS1s class giving out invites and DS1 not getting one (he was not the only child not to be invited) however one of the kids who was invited says to his mum (a really stupid bitchy woman with far too much time on her hands) why did xxxx not get invited, so his mother turns round and says in front of DS1 oh only nice children get invited to party's DS1 says to me why did I not get invited and I say to him so bitchy mum can hear "not everyone can afford big party's" and some people have to only invite the children of their parents friends as they have none of their own.

I think as this woman enjoys your hospitality then it is rude not to invite your children if she invited the rest of the group.
I would ask with a big smile, so how did your party go?

castlesintheair · 23/02/2008 09:05

This is horrible but grit your teeth and rise above it. Personally, I would make a magnanimous display of inviting her to your DC's next party. I have done this and it gave me great satisfaction to see the other mother(s) squirm Bear in mind that this sort of exclusion always hurts the parent more than the child.

castlesintheair · 23/02/2008 09:08

"her children" meant to say!

People are effing 'orrible Kimi aren't they?

Freckle · 23/02/2008 09:19

It seems from the OP that not all the group were aware that the OP had not been invited. In which case, I would make sure that they all know she had deliberately excluded you and let them make their own judgements.

Kimi · 23/02/2008 09:23

I avoid the school mums in the most part at all costs, smile nicely say good morning and be done with it.
I only have one friend in the real world that is a school mum. It is a mine field.

DS2s best mate is a girl and they are getting to the age where boys invite boys and girls invite girls so DS2 has been invited to 2 class party's that his friend has not as it was a boy thing, and she has gone to a sleep over party that was a girl thing, this is life and most children seem to work it out.

However inviting a whole group all but one is just rude and spiteful. Especially if the person excluded has been kind enough to entertain party giver endlessly in the past.

Lotstodo · 23/02/2008 09:28

I always think that the person who has the whole class party and then just excludes just one or two children from the class only has the party to do just that. I just feel that people could be brave and instead of feeling smug that it's not their child that is excluded just question the motive of the host. I have turned down an invitition for my child on those grounds but was, and I wish I had have been, not brave enough to give the real reason and then I felt guilty for my child as he then missed out on a party. I just felt that, in some way, I would be agreeing with the behaviour of the mother by allowing him to go.

Pages · 23/02/2008 09:29

I would dump the group and maintain friendships with the ones I genuinely got on with separately. I am supposedly part of a mums group but I rarely go along because I hate the crowd mentality, and as someone else said, I prefer to form friendships based on genuine conectedness.

I learned my lesson about groups and cliques many years ago (not a mums group) - they always involve someone becoming the outsider, it seems there is always at least one jealous and blaming type in the group who is looking for a scapegoat, and I have gone from being Queen Bee to excluded at the whim of some person who I wouldn't pass the time of day with if we had not been brougt together by others.

Maybe you can show your dc in this way that it is more important to have one genuine friend than 10 who potentially will eat your food, mess up your house and then turn their back on you.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/02/2008 09:30

I dont blame you. It's not nice to be excluded, or worse, have your children excluded.

Particularly since she'll happily take advantage of your hospitality.

There could be a number of reasons why she didnt invite your children, with there possibly being a somewhat reasonable reason (doubt it, but, benefit of the doubt).

I'd want to distance myself from her personally. Not to be petty, but, because life is too short to waste energy on people that are either dont like you and are two faced or havent the balls to be polite and explain why you and yours have been the only in your group to be excluded. I'd not exclude her, I'd just not include her iyswim?

Kimi · 23/02/2008 09:38

For the most part the only thing school mums/ playgroup mums etc have in common is children that end up in the same space.

I tend to have friends that are nice people, have stuff in common and I have known for years.

I never could work out why school mums try to make groups and friendships on the basis of being in the same place at the same time.
You would not do that in any other part of life would you?

Also I think a lot of the time the parents are more childish then the children, and I love the ones who try to get their kids to play with so and so's kids because she and so and so are friends, when the kids clearly hate the sight of each other.

Pages · 23/02/2008 09:51

I agree Kimi. I in fact have nothing in common with most of my DC's friends, but we keep in touch simply for the DC. I was in fact just contemplating starting a phone book for them because it semed strange putting the parents' phone numbers in my own address book.

Kimi · 23/02/2008 09:57

/kimi falls flat with shock. This is the second time today I have been agreed with

I have 2 pages in the back of my address book with ...... linda, keiths mum 123456788 etc

And a group on my phone that says school.

Freckle · 23/02/2008 10:00

I don't think all such friendships are suspect or based solely on the children's friendships. Out of 4 of my closest friends, one I met whilst part of an ante-natal group (over 14 years ago) and 3 are mums I've met in one school playground or other. Obviously we were brought together originally by our dcs but genuine friendships were born out of that.

When situations such as the OP's arise though, I do think you need to take a step back and look at whether you think you would be friends with these people if it were not for the fact that you all come together regularly as a group. If not, then ease back slowly and find new, more genuine friendships.