I feel quite upset

[northshield]

I meet every week with a group of 10 friends and we theoretically take it in turns to host this the coffee and cakes. However, this often takes place at my house because it is larger than most of the others and involves quite a bit of preparation for so many people who each bring 1, 2 or 3 children.

We met earlier this week and one member of this group let slip that another mother had held a birthday party for her son a couple of weeks ago. She was very embarassed when I said that we hadn't been invited because she had made the assumption that we had been invited because everyone else was there. I'm very upset to discover this especially as this mother regularly comes to my house with her 3 children for coffee with the others and she also brought her 3 children to my dcs birthday parties in the summer. I don't think this was an oversight because looking back she was very quick to change the subject when her ds's birthday was mentioned and now I know why. Just a rant really.

I'm not surprised you're upset. What an exceptionally rude woman. And mean too.

As someone has already said, keep your dignity and keep being your usual wonderful hospitable self but try to fade this woman out of your life.

I'm really going to avoid making friends or trying to make friends with any of the parents when my DCs go to school.

They'll all think I'm a snooty moo but it sounds absolutely dreadful and asking for trouble. I'll stick with the friends I've got, I think.

I have one lovely friend who I met at mother and toddler 10 years ago. She is a really lovely person and I would have wanted her as a friend no matter where we had met.

Like wise the mother of DS2 best friend is a lovely woman and we get on well and I would have liked her where ever I had met her.

DS1 made a friend at youth club and now our family and his are friends, DH1 and friends dad play darts {blush) together and we have family BBQs etc.

We have a lovely circle of friends and play group friend now knows school mum and youth club family as we as family from over the road and so on, and we have become quite a nice group having BBQs quiz nights and partys.
But everyone has something in common with everyone else and we get along.
The other friends that are always about have been there for ever, so I guess we are lucky that we have nice friends.

I would not invite a whole heap of school mums to a BBQ though or a quiz night ect just because we were all at the same place 10 times aweek

Thank you all for getting back to me, I didn't think I was being overly sensitive but it's nice to have it confirmed. I'd been thinking about dropping out of the weekly coffee thing for a while now and I think that I might do that and make an effort to stay in touch with the people I do like and who clearly like me. I don't want to behave unkindly but I'll only invite their children to the dc's birthday parties in the summer on the basis that they are the people I'm in contact with.

Kimi can I make you fall over again by saying i agree with you too!!
I've never found that these 'group' friendships really work - and 10 is a very big number for everyone to get on perfectly well. There may be all sorts of reasons why she did this - maybe she finds it hard to cope with the fact that the OPs house is bigger/nicer etc but that doesnt excuse downright nastiness.
I agree the OP should be more picky and just keep going with the friends she really likes.

oh that's an interesting one. I agree with the whole group friendship thing, there will always be someone who you don't get along with as well as the others. I think you can get away with inviting who YOU want while your children are so young, but remember as they get older they WILL want to invite children whose parents you may not be so keen on!

Is it possible that there could be a completely different reason for not inviting your children, other than her not liking you? Maybe she is restricted financially and had to have a cut off point? She could well have been embarrassed by this so changed the subject when asked. Just a thought.

Freckle, if genuine friendships have born out of the situation then that is different.

Just making the point that not all playground social situations should be avoided. I agree that very often socialising with those you only meet because you drop off and pick up your children at the same place and time can be a bad idea. But there are an awful lot of nice people in those playgrounds too - after all, we are all there .

Good point Emily. A young mum can feel very vulnerable if she feels her house isnt 'up to scratch' and maybe that's the underlying reason. We lived in a teeny house when I had dc1 and I found it really difficult to invite people over - simply in terms of space and stress levels. Once we moved to a bigger place, the social thing got much easier.

I did think that she might be uncomfortable about her house but the party was in a large church hall and so I don't think it was really an issue in this situation. In any case I wouldn't make a judgement on someone's worthiness on the basis of where they lived it's far too easy to miss out on good people choosing your friends that way. In any case there are plenty of people with nicer houses than mine, it's really nothing special, just a bit bigger than the others which was why I was willing to host the coffee mornings quite frequently rather than everyone taking an equal turn.

Sorry to hear your situation Northshield, but this mum is not worth bothering with.

I'm another one in agreement with Kimi, these mummy-cliques never really work. Recently I was in one, and for a year it was all hunky dory, but after the initial pleasantries our true personalities shone through and the "leaders" became like school bullies.

I had this problem with my antenatal group. All started out being very pally pally then splinter groups formed with some being actively left out.

A few of us that were left out formed a group of our own and I am still in contact with them some 11 years later.

There are some nasty "little " girls who never grow up about.

Don't invite her round again.

Similar problem here. One girl from our antenatal group held a camping party for all the families on a campsite and didn't invite us. One couple presumed we were invited and asked if we were going. That was the last we heard of it. I have since moved on and have better friends that i have a laugh with. Anyway, 'She' came round the other day and said they were planning another camping party this year if we were interested!!!!
WTF?
I so wanted to say, 'oh we're fucking invited this year are we? what a privelege.'
But i didn't. Never do in RL.
Do we go? Or ignore the invite?
Not sure i would enjoy it because it upset me that we weren't invited 2 years ago.

I just wouldn't waste my time, you'll be miserable as hell and it will give her such satisfaction. Plan your own weekend away with your true friends. Smartiejake, you're right, the ones who were nasty as kids usually turn out to be nasty adults, but we now have a choice whether to spend our precious time with them, and I choose not to, life's too bloody short.

Dragonbutter, just be polite, sweet and say you've got other plans. Thanks v. much for inviting us though.

Never give people like that any ammunition like your being rude to use against you.

People who actively exclude others for no reason other than to be mean thrive on bad mouthing and running down other folk. Don't give her the chance to do that to you.