Distanced myself from friend, now she wants support

[snorrrlax]

Posting here in hopes of avoiding the unkind answers of AIBU!

A few years ago a friend went through a really bad breakup. We were fairly casual friends before- lunch once a month or so, invites to birthday parties etc. I ended up stepping up and providing a lot of emotional and practical support because her closer friends didn’t; in fact she lost most of her other friendships at the same time. She was really angry and hurt and it took her several years to rebuild her life.

A few years later I was going through my own issues. When I reached out to her for support it was clear that she didn’t want to know - just had no interest in talking or listening to me about my troubles at all. I was really disappointed and irritated but chalked it up to a life lesson. I still enjoy this friend’s company, so I distanced myself but maintained the friendship on a more superficial level. Friend had a new partner and a new friendship group by then and was very happy so I don’t think even noticed I’d faded out.

Now her relationship has ended again and she’s distraught. She’s reaching out to me again and expecting me to support her. Most of the new friendship group seem to have faded away and her support network is still quite limited.

I’m carrying quite a lot of resentment about the one-sidedness of the friendship and I really don’t want to be cast as Main Support Friend again. Her texts and calls are very intense and are irritating me lots. At the same time I do feel for her and I don’t want to hurt her more. She’s not a bad person, just quite self-absorbed, and for whatever reason it’s never occurred to her that I am not just a support character in her life.

What should I do? So far I’ve been sympathetic and fairly available to her but haven’t dropped everything to support. I’ve put her on mute and am only read/replying at certain times of the day. Judging by previous form I imagine this is going to go on for months/years though, and I really don’t think I can manage my resentment that long! I’m already finding myself bitching to my partner whenever she texts. What would you do?

This friendship definitely seems one way.

”I was really disappointed and irritated but chalked it up to a life lesson”

I think if you go out of your way to support her now, no real life lesson was learnt. She clearly doesn’t care about you, return her the favour. Life is too short to have shitty people in it.

I had a "friend" like that - I supported her through her cancer treatment (went with her to every radiotherapy session, took her for her operation, picked her up afterwards, had a week off work, etc). When I had a life-changing illness, she didn't come to see me, hasn't bothered since, didn't send a Christmas card, etc. Now, she no longer exists to me. Perhaps you should block her?

It's one sided. Just be less available. Don't answer the calls, keep the texts short and sweet. If she asks what's the problem that's your opportunity to be honest.

I think you need to be honest(ish) without being hurtful.

"I'm really sorry you're going through a difficult time at the moment but I'm going through some stuff too right now and I need some space to process it.

Let's try and meet for coffee in a couple of weeks."

She'll probably throw her toys out of the pram but it makes it clear that you are not available in this support role. Give her some boundaries.

Can you be honest with her?
Hi Jane I honestly thought you had moved away from our friendship as you seemed to have such a lot going on with X,Y and Z (names) as you didnt seem to have too much time for me when X happened. I found it very disappointing and hurtful to be honest at the time. Im not sure I can provide the amount of support you need.

It sounds like she is messaging you multiple times a day?!

Honestly, I’d be a bit more direct and say something like “sounds like you are really struggling Sally. I’m not going to be very available as I have a lot going on right now. I’d really recommend seeing a counsellor as they will be able to give the time and listening space you need”. Then block.

"Maybe try councelising it sounds you have a lot you need to talk through and unfortunately I don't think our friendship is as close as what you think as you wasn't there for me when x, y and z happened."

Me? I'd talk to her about it.

I'd remind her that when the going got tough for you, she was no where to be found. And she now wants your support?

Then I'd tell her where to go.

But then I have zero patience for things like this these days. I might have fewer friends these days but the ones I do have, reciprocate what I give them.

They are very rewarding friendships in the sense I know who has my back.

Remember you have zero obligation to this woman.

I definitely wouldn’t be there for her in the same capacity as you were before. You’ll just keep building up anger and it’ll start ruining your days.
I think you have quite a few options here. You can say to her, this is a lot to unpack, would you consider a therapist?
Otherwise you could say , listen I’m not happy about what happened in the past, this is how I feel about this, how do you think you’d feel if you were me? Get her to put herself in your shoes.
Or you can just send back the bare minimum of texts, not answer calls etc.
Either way these relationships are soul destroying and suck the life and energy from you. She will probably do the same thing to you again. Also, she seems to drop out of a lot of friend groups , wonder why…..

I had something very similar to this happen. An old school friend spent years disclosing & crying to me about past trauma that her own husband won’t even listen to. She even joked on occasion that she didn’t want me to find a partner because I’d be less available for her and also “joked” that I was a great therapist for her.

When I started having insomnia and various stress symptoms relating to family relationships she totally stepped back. Like she would literally change the subject back onto herself or not reply to my messages whereas she usually messaged me multiple times a day . I was gobsmacked!

I’ve also been there for her kids over the past decade , attending birthday parties over the year buying presents etc then I couldn’t even get a text on my own birthday from her despite the fact she knew I have much less family relationships than her. She occasionally tries to trauma dump on me but doesn’t bother mainly because I totally block it out. I’ll either begin talk about myself or change the subject completely. It sounds blunt but I prefer it to the alternative of being used by her again and feeling anger & resentment bubble up. She has a few other friends but they were her “fun friends” I guess, so it was me she singled out to listen to all her trauma.
She is incredibly self absorbed and she literally drained me.

So basically in your situation I’d stay well back and be very clear about boundaries! I am so much happier and at peace without her in my life. I only text her very occasionally now.

Btw I recommended the counselling option at one point and she managed to get free NHS counselling for over a year and she would still trauma dump on me. So I’m not sure how effective that suggestion would be on its own unless you backed it up by also making clear to her that you couldn’t take on all her crap again as you are dealing with your own life so you’re not the best person to try and listen like you did before.

It speaks volumes that she has lost two lots of friends. She didn't help you when you needed it, she's just using you as a therapist. I wouldn't be very available for her.

No, I don't think I could get past the resentment. Supportive friendships are a two way street.

Been there. More or less discarded when new man came along. Not supported when I needed it. Flippant responses to my issue. And over the years much more.......

Do your best not to get emotionally involved and treat the issue/s with less intensity.

This happened to me too. I had to distance myself because it was so horribly one sided, and I felt so used.

I too didn’t realise what was happening until I had issues of my own and she was not in the least interested. But then she came rushing back when things went wrong for her. I felt like an unpaid support human.

I wonder if the old set of friends drifted away for similar reasons.

It depends. I mean, I often support people with no expectation of anything in return, just because I enjoy the conversations. It's interesting.

If, on the other hand, you feel drained by it, don't bother.

Some people just have no wisdom to offer, so are not very good at supporting others. I remember at school, my best friend's dad had died over the summer holidays and all I could think to say about it, when she told me, was "Ugh!"

@snorrrlax

She is an unsupportive, thoughtless fair weather friend. Why would you waste your mental and physical energy on someone who treats you like an "unpaid support human"?

You've been given a couple of really good examples of how to deal with this and prevent yourself from being used this way and let her get her support elsewhere, whether professionally or another friend. 🌹

I dont think some people dont realise their own behaviour.
Have you tried to speak to her honestly about your resentment and how she treated you??

I dont understand people muting people. Can the message not just come through and you only read it whens covienient, ive never understood blocking and muting people. Can someone explain how ot helps them. I haf one friend who blocked another girl they knew, then just spent ages talking about wether she thought they had txt, shall i unblock yet etc etc

Its perfectly acceptable to put clear boundaries in place for people who don't treat you right. Or just explain how you feel and bow out of the friendship. Dont stay friends and moan all the time, its not good for anyone (or your partner listening to it 🤣)

This.

Easy to deal with. Turn the conversation around to you. Acknowledgements of hers with an oh dear that's sad and start talking about something in your life. Lean on her for support. She'll probably give you a swerve.

She might not be a bad person but she is a bad friend. You don’t owe her your support now. It’s already taking too much from you. Some good suggested responses. Step back and if she has a tantrum or persists when you’ve asked her not to turn just stop engaging at all.

I wouldn't kick someone when they're down. Just don't be available, let the friendship fade out. If the opportunity arises in the future then you can be honest

Option A: "I can see why they left you."
Option B: "I know you are hurting and I have been very supportive and given up a lot of my time to help you with this, but the truth is I also have a lot of personal stuff going on at the moment and you are demanding a lot of my time and energy and it's really stressing me out, so I'm sorry but I am going to have to step away from this and deal with my own stuff. I think you would really benefit from seeing a therapist to work through all this. Good luck."

I'd tell her exactly what you've said here. You supported her last time, she didn't reciprocate, your friendship isn't what it was as a result of her total self absorption and you're not able to give support this time.