Distanced myself from friend, now she wants support

[snorrrlax]

Posting here in hopes of avoiding the unkind answers of AIBU!

A few years ago a friend went through a really bad breakup. We were fairly casual friends before- lunch once a month or so, invites to birthday parties etc. I ended up stepping up and providing a lot of emotional and practical support because her closer friends didn’t; in fact she lost most of her other friendships at the same time. She was really angry and hurt and it took her several years to rebuild her life.

A few years later I was going through my own issues. When I reached out to her for support it was clear that she didn’t want to know - just had no interest in talking or listening to me about my troubles at all. I was really disappointed and irritated but chalked it up to a life lesson. I still enjoy this friend’s company, so I distanced myself but maintained the friendship on a more superficial level. Friend had a new partner and a new friendship group by then and was very happy so I don’t think even noticed I’d faded out.

Now her relationship has ended again and she’s distraught. She’s reaching out to me again and expecting me to support her. Most of the new friendship group seem to have faded away and her support network is still quite limited.

I’m carrying quite a lot of resentment about the one-sidedness of the friendship and I really don’t want to be cast as Main Support Friend again. Her texts and calls are very intense and are irritating me lots. At the same time I do feel for her and I don’t want to hurt her more. She’s not a bad person, just quite self-absorbed, and for whatever reason it’s never occurred to her that I am not just a support character in her life.

What should I do? So far I’ve been sympathetic and fairly available to her but haven’t dropped everything to support. I’ve put her on mute and am only read/replying at certain times of the day. Judging by previous form I imagine this is going to go on for months/years though, and I really don’t think I can manage my resentment that long! I’m already finding myself bitching to my partner whenever she texts. What would you do?

She’s shown you who she is OP, take a step back, you don’t need a friend like this in your life.

Maybe also she's too intense and this is why her friends have backed off. We all want to support our friends, but there's a difference between a being a good friend and being a therapist 24/7 (I have two ex friends like this!!)

I’d avoid her like everyone else most likely - you could tell her it sounds hard but you can’t support her as you have your own stress. Then advise her to seek therapy / counselling.

Thank you for answers everyone, I really appreciate them. Seeing people’s different opinions helps to clarify my thoughts!

I think the time to savagely ditch her would have been a few years ago when she showed me that she wasn’t a real friend to me. I don’t think I could bring myself to do it right now when she’s in such a state. For now I think strict boundaries is the way. I’ll check and reply to her messages max once a day and I won’t get too sucked into it. Hopefully that gives her something without stressing me out too much. She’s not quite as awful as I made her sound - she is appreciative of the support I gave her before and refers to it gratefully quite often. She just has no bloody intention of reciprocating! 🙄

I think people observing that this may have been why her previous friendship group disappeared are spot on. At the time I thought they must have all been toxic arseholes. But maybe they were just at the tail end of another cycle…

@IwishIcouldButIcantSoIwont
and @SoccerStars , your stories made my blood boil! What twats! Way worse than my situation, I’m glad you got rid 💐

@SnackQueen option A 😆 OH GOD THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING. Really having to bite it back 😂

@tiggergoesbounce if I see a message pop up from her it derails my train of thought and makes me feel stressed and irritated. If I mute her I can just go into WhatsApp and check her messages when I feel like it. It really does help compartmentalise headspace.

@Alcemeg all your points are fair. I generally am interested in people’s drama and happy to dissect it with them. there definitely is a dividing line between “people in happy to help with no expectation of return” and “people I’m close enough to to expect loyalty in return” though iyswim and she was definitely, definitely in the camp where she should have reciprocated!

Ooohhhh I get it, OP, I didn't mean to wag the finger at you. I think we all enjoy dispensing what wisdom we can (hence the irresistible appeal of mumsnet!), but there does come a point where some people just drain us of energy.

Shut her down.

She had absolutely NO conscience or even concern about you.

Count up the wasted hours of free therapy you have given her over your ‘friendship.’

She is taking up far far too much of your headspace already.

All this orchestrating re messaging and posting on here. Can’t you see that and what you have yet again fallen into?

Stop being kind to people that don’t give a shit about you.

I would be honest with her. Tell her how disappointed you were when you needed her support that she effectively blanked you, that your hurt and feel used.

you can then decide how to move forward with some boundaries in place.

I agree. She has treated you incredibly badly and like an unpaid therapist. Yet, when you needed support she disappeared. Why on earth would you even contemplate being there for her? she's already lost two other sets of friends due to her selfishness it sounds. Friendship cannot just be one sided otherwise its not really friendship, its parasitic. She doesnt really care about you, she cares about what she can GET from you and I would be distancing myself from her completely. If you do step up, I guarantee you'll end up getting really hurt all over again.

I'd go with this, to be honest. It's not mean, but it does let her know why you're keeping her at arms length.

As you don't wish to end the friendship, keep it on mute, but only check in every 3 days or so.

Otherwise this annoyance will be daily.

She's not a close friend and I certainly don't see the point of investing in people like that.

This drama could go on for ages, so you need to take space and step away or you will be used again.

By stepping away you give her the space to reach out to others.

Suggest she seek counselling if she says she needs support.

Some people are users, even though they can be fun and good company.

You CAN be a fun friend, but no way would I entertain being used again.

I would be blunt, I'm too busy.

Stick to the same regularity of seeing her, rigidly, do not increase it at all.

Expect her to push it, she is very focused on her needs being met.

I had (note, had) a friend who I supported through all sorts - divorce, moving, claiming financial support, support for her ADHD son - ehcp/school provision etc, difficult relationship with alcohol etc etc. Years I offered her support, which she took and was grateful for. My dp was diagnosed with cancer, and I reached out to her, her response was 'so things are a bit shit for you then' before launching into her own narrative of her ongoing issues (which she was refusing to engage with any professionals about). I didn't even reply. Blocked.

@Alcemeg oh I didn’t feel got at don’t worry! I appreciated the nuance of your comment.

@Loverofoxbowlakes what a cow!!! Sorry about your dp, I hope things are better now 💐

This. Just be honest. She sounds very selfish. Odd how other friends disappear?

@Loverofoxbowlakes that's appalling. Well done 👍

I wouldn’t reply every day, it will only encourage more texts. Say you have a lot going on yourself.

People like this are not friends.