Anyone else living with a partner , but no desire to get married?

Toomanysquishmallows · 2023-06-19T10:35:06+00:00

good morning, I’m curious to see if anyone else is in a similar situation? I have lived with my partner for 19 years and we have two dc together. I also have an older dd from a disastrous, previous relationship where my dp cheated . I was wondering if anyone else has lived with a partner for a long time and not married them ? After my previous relationship, I still feel insecure.

Brexitisreallystupid · 19/06/2023 11:50

Me. I've not married because it doesn't suit our financial situation. We have just used wills and insurance instead to plug any gaps.

The only problem we have had is when I looked at getting a Spanish visa. Only spouses can join you on the visa 😏.

Oldraver · 19/06/2023 16:00

Yes living with partner for 13 years and no desire that marry

IamSmarticus · 19/06/2023 16:52

Me - 14 years this year, no desire to get married. We don't have any children though. It's my house so he would be entitled to half if I got married and we then split up

purpleglitterglue · 19/06/2023 16:54

Been with dp 10 years, 2 children. We've lived with each other for about 9.5 years too. We've talked about marriage and if we did only a small ceremony at a registry office but truth is I'm not really bothered. Couldn't really care tbh

Whatthediddlyfeck · 19/06/2023 16:54

Inheritance tax liability would change my mind! The threshold isn’t really that high these days when you look at the value of property

MargeIsBack · 19/06/2023 17:04

We have lived happily together for 16+ years with three kids, house etc but inheritance tax may now make us have to marry but we have no desire to do so. We've always had very similar levels of savings and earnings so it's never been financially something we needed to do, the house is owned jointly and we had insurance policies / wills etc to plus gaps but because of house prices and being together so long, it looks like we're going to have to to avoid inheritance tax if either of us dies.
I think to get married you need someone in the partnership who really wants to do it, have financial inequity within the partnership or to be pushed into it in late 40s/early50s for taxation reasons.

Original poster

Toomanysquishmallows · 19/06/2023 17:15

Thank you all for all your answers , they are very interesting.

OP posts:

FrancWiseMarkFoolish · 19/06/2023 17:18

Whatthediddlyfeck · 19/06/2023 16:54

Inheritance tax liability would change my mind! The threshold isn’t really that high these days when you look at the value of property

This is what did it for us - decades together, on a par financially, no kids, but the prospect of IHT (and, on the positive side, qualifying for spouse payouts from each other's defined benefit pensions)... Well it eventually prompted an investment of about £150 (this includes buying our witnesses dinner). We just never told anyone, thus avoiding any fallout.

It's a significant legal contract so people should always think through the implications very carefully - for example, marriage or civil partnership invalidates any existing wills, unless they say they are made in contemplation of marriage (to whoever you did marry, obvs). (I do think this should be refined somehow, btw, but now that's what the E&W law is).

Also we were pretty confident, after many many years and having gone through a lot of stressful situations together, that we had a good chance of staying the course. The decision was made on the basis that sudden death and an IHT bill was more of a worry than a divorce. You can never know for sure, just make a best guess...

Brexitisreallystupid · 19/06/2023 17:25

FrancWiseMarkFoolish · 19/06/2023 17:18

This is what did it for us - decades together, on a par financially, no kids, but the prospect of IHT (and, on the positive side, qualifying for spouse payouts from each other's defined benefit pensions)... Well it eventually prompted an investment of about £150 (this includes buying our witnesses dinner). We just never told anyone, thus avoiding any fallout.

It's a significant legal contract so people should always think through the implications very carefully - for example, marriage or civil partnership invalidates any existing wills, unless they say they are made in contemplation of marriage (to whoever you did marry, obvs). (I do think this should be refined somehow, btw, but now that's what the E&W law is).

Also we were pretty confident, after many many years and having gone through a lot of stressful situations together, that we had a good chance of staying the course. The decision was made on the basis that sudden death and an IHT bill was more of a worry than a divorce. You can never know for sure, just make a best guess...

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Unless anything changes inheritance tax wise this will very likely our path. We will just get civiled on the quiet at the registry office once Inheritance tax outweighs risks/benefits.

CaledonianSleeper · 19/06/2023 17:30

Also in a long term relationship with no desire to marry but having to reconsider because of the inheritance tax situation. Quick calc shows that if either one of us dies the other will have a tax liability of nearly £100k just to be able to stay in our home - and that’s not even mentioning the IHT penalty out child would have to pay because her parents were not married.
To the previous posters who have done this, can I ask why you decided to go for marriage as opposed to civil partnerships? Are there any practical differences?

murasaki · 19/06/2023 17:37

Yep, 9 years, we rent. I've been married before and have no desire to do it again. I can take my cats amd run if I want to with no looking back, luckily I don't want to...separate bank accounts too. When you've been burnt, you don't repeat the same mistake

BarelyLiterate · 19/06/2023 17:43

Yes. Me & DP have been living together for 20+ years. We own our house together, we are comfortably off (but certainly not wealthy) and childfree by choice. No plans to marry.

suitcasewaste · 19/06/2023 17:49

Us, been together over 8 years, 1 4 YO & 1 pending... house is his but wills life cover etc all in the others favour. I've lived here long enough that if we were to split I would be entitled to something I think but it doesn't interest me, I have family nearby & earn a decent wage if it all went tits up. It doesn't interest us to marry, it's a lot of money we would rather spend on DC's education/property. I think it's a lovely idea, marriage, but it's not what it was now that it was back in ye olden days, IMO.

FrancWiseMarkFoolish · 19/06/2023 17:53

CaledonianSleeper · 19/06/2023 17:30

Also in a long term relationship with no desire to marry but having to reconsider because of the inheritance tax situation. Quick calc shows that if either one of us dies the other will have a tax liability of nearly £100k just to be able to stay in our home - and that’s not even mentioning the IHT penalty out child would have to pay because her parents were not married.
To the previous posters who have done this, can I ask why you decided to go for marriage as opposed to civil partnerships? Are there any practical differences?

In England and Wales they are pretty much the same except civil partners can't sue for dissolution on grounds of adultery, (they have to call it "unreasonable behaviour"!).

However "An opposite sex marriage formed in England
and Wales will be recognised internationally."
That's why we went for marriage - we hope to travel a lot before we are too old, and didn't want to be arguing the toss with some official about whether local rules considered us married enough for them. Not a big issue at all but it's one less thing to worry about.

MidgeHardcastle · 19/06/2023 17:59

Been together 40 years and now in our 60s had a civil partnership signing last year purely for financial reasons, specifically IHT. Only our children know as didn't want relatives and friends making a big deal out of it.

FrancWiseMarkFoolish · 19/06/2023 17:59

suitcasewaste · 19/06/2023 17:49

Us, been together over 8 years, 1 4 YO & 1 pending... house is his but wills life cover etc all in the others favour. I've lived here long enough that if we were to split I would be entitled to something I think but it doesn't interest me, I have family nearby & earn a decent wage if it all went tits up. It doesn't interest us to marry, it's a lot of money we would rather spend on DC's education/property. I think it's a lovely idea, marriage, but it's not what it was now that it was back in ye olden days, IMO.

If you're in E&W (as opposed to say Australia or Scotland) I've lived here long enough that if we were to split I would be entitled to something I think it doesn't work that way - it's one thing to say "I paid £20k for the kitchen and have the receipts", but "I lived here N years" carries no weight AFAIK. You may want to double check.

Costs £35+35+57 = £127 to get married.
We made that back within the year from tax advantages!

InSpainTheRain · 19/06/2023 18:27

Yes we've been together 29 years, have 2 DC in their early twenties. No desire to get married. I know the advice on here is you should for security but we are both high earners so would be fine financially without the other (iyswim).

suitcasewaste · 19/06/2023 18:38

@FrancWiseMarkFoolish I think I'm lucky in that I don't have to worry if I'm not entitled to anything, financially I'm ok alone anyway. Tbh I've never looked in to it in much detail, just had in my head if you have lived with someone for 7+ years you were entitled to something if you separated.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/06/2023 18:42

Lived with ExDP for 17 years with no wish to get married. Now I have a new DP but 3 years in, still don't want to get married.

Hoppinggreen · 19/06/2023 18:45

suitcasewaste · 19/06/2023 18:38

@FrancWiseMarkFoolish I think I'm lucky in that I don't have to worry if I'm not entitled to anything, financially I'm ok alone anyway. Tbh I've never looked in to it in much detail, just had in my head if you have lived with someone for 7+ years you were entitled to something if you separated.

I dont think that is true.
I think marriage is an individual choice but what worries me is when people (usually women) think they know their situation if their partner dies or leaves but they dont
I am not referring to you @suitcasewaste , you seem to know you are ok in any case but women who believe they have certain right but don’t are a concern

suitcasewaste · 19/06/2023 18:54

@Hoppinggreen Totally agree & if I were not self sufficient it would have been something I would have looked in to & probably worried about if I were not entitled to anything.

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 19/06/2023 19:05

11 years living together and counting. No intention of getting married. Wills and life insurance all covered. I have assets which will go to my child. My partner has no assets. No issues with IHT therefore! I don't see us getting married as there are no good reasons.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 20/06/2023 08:16

suitcasewaste · 19/06/2023 18:38

@FrancWiseMarkFoolish I think I'm lucky in that I don't have to worry if I'm not entitled to anything, financially I'm ok alone anyway. Tbh I've never looked in to it in much detail, just had in my head if you have lived with someone for 7+ years you were entitled to something if you separated.

You need to get that thought right out of your head!

Whammy · 20/06/2023 08:28

Yes, been with DP for 20+ years, 2 kids, zero desire to get married. However we reside in a country where we would be treated as married if we separated. If we resided in England I reckon we would have had a registry job prior to the birth of our eldest (particularly given I was a SAHM while our kids were little).

suitcasewaste · 20/06/2023 09:54

@Whatthediddlyfeck lol you need to calm down! As I say I've never looked in to it fully as I'm lucky I don't have to, if it was something I was dependant on then yes, I would have done my research properly.