Anyone else living with a partner , but no desire to get married?

[Toomanysquishmallows]

good morning, I’m curious to see if anyone else is in a similar situation? I have lived with my partner for 19 years and we have two dc together. I also have an older dd from a disastrous, previous relationship where my dp cheated . I was wondering if anyone else has lived with a partner for a long time and not married them ? After my previous relationship, I still feel insecure.

I’m calm, it just concerns me that in 2023 people still believe stuff like this…if they believe this, what else do they believe…But if you want to hand everything over to either the tax man, or some long lost relative because there are no wills in place and your partner predeceases you, then that’s your business, not mine

DP and I were together for 21 years. He'd asked me to marry him often, but I didn't want to. Then I caved because we'd decided to work on another continent for a couple of years, and the visa was easier. Lots of friends have been together for decades without being married, with and without children.

We've been together 10 years and no real desire to be married. The only reason we might do it is to avoid any issues with finances if one of us dies and / or because there's no one left in our friendship group who isn't married and a good wedding is week overdue.

My mum and dad are in (separate) relationships and have both been with their now partners for over 30 years and not married.

Only been together four years, he wants to marry and I really don’t. It’s my house and I earn more than him, he’s 7 years younger though so will work for longer. I want to leave everything to my DC but I don’t want him to have to move if I die. I’m going to see a solicitor to work out what to do

Being in a LTR without being married is no different to working in a job without an employment contract. It's fine when things are fine, but once the wheel stars to come off, divorce, illness, death, things turn VERY messy.

The idea of being scared of signing a contract which ultimately protects YOU is perplexing to me.

Let's be serious for a minute. In the UK, marriage is only of benefit to a woman, there is virtually no negative consequences, unlike there would for a man.

As a woman, especially if you have kids together, you WILL get primary custody. You absutely WILL get to stay in the marital home, and HE will be forced to pay for it. You will be entitled to half his pension, half of any assets acquired during the relationship, and there's an extremly high likelihood of you being able to get half of all assets he acquired before he met you. It's an absolute golden ticket, that you'd be an idiot to pass up.

It's nothing to do with the state getting involved in your private life. It's a cast iron guarantee of having access to money and assets which you otherwise wouldn't be able to get your hands on.

You don't even need their agreement to divorce them anymore.

Why any sane adult, with children to provide for, would walk away from that level of protection is beyond me.

What is the position with IHT. Is it just the fact that you don't get the benefit of the £325k (or whatever it is now) or is there something else?

Presumably if you own the property on a 50/50 basis, you'd only be looking at paying IHT on their half? (Appreciate that might be more than £325k).

Me. Is there anything you specifically want to know?

As a divorced mother with two children who’s career suffered and had to be essentially sacrificed after having kids -
I’d say that any woman who IS NOT asset rich/independently wealthy - should realise that marriage is there to protect you financially.
It isn’t some patriarchal idea we need to be feminist about. Or some romantic thing.
It is something that protects you and your children.

Dont be smug and think that it’s other people’s relationships that break down. It can happen to the most perfect couples.

DH & I were in this position - own a house together & been happily together for 15 years however we looked at the implications should something happen to one of us. Inheritance tax, power of attorney, ease of sorting out financials etc & decided to marry as it's just easier.

What if the woman has 1 million in assets, property she earned before she met them
She has a pension, savings and a better regular income/salary

And the man has
No property
No savings
No assets
Just debt

Do you think it is wise to marry a man like that even if he is a kind, generous and caring person?

It's perfectly possible to put all necessary protections in place without marriage.

...apart from IHT

Yes. No desire at all (it also wouldn't suit me financially but that's another matter 🤣).

Hi @kirinm - for married or civil-partnered couples there’s spousal IHT exemption for the first to die passing to their spouse, the first to die can also pass on their unused IHT nil rate band to their spouse, and also their residence nil rate band where the house goes to the children. But unmarried couples either don’t get the exemption or can’t double it up when the second partner dies.

So for the example of an unmarried couple who own a property worth £1m (not uncommon in the SE of England) there would be £270k total inheritance tax to pay – the first of this when the first partner dies, then more when the second partner dies and leave the house to their child.

In contrast, the inheritance tax payable by a married or civil partnered couple/their child in the same circumstances would be……nil.

(Clearly there are also impacts on amounts less than £1m, I’ve just used that as an example of a nice round number.)
So it’s quite an incentive.

That’s fine for very traditional relationships in which men & women fill their traditional provider / homemaker & nurturer gender roles and the woman is financially dependent on the man.

Not everyone needs or wants a traditional relationship, not everyone wants or intends to have children, not every woman earns less than her partner, or owns fewer assets than her partner. Not every woman needs or wants to be financially dependent on a man.
Childfree LTRs between financially independent professional people can and do work perfectly well without being married.

Together over a decade before we married. I had no desire to get married but ultimately my husband did and it was important to him. So we did. I hated getting married tbh. I'm not a 'bride' and I hate organising things. I found it really stressful. But in retrospect I'm really pleased we did. Not sure why. Think it feels more secure or something.

As I own two properties with no mortgage, it would be financial suicide if I were to marry and it all went wrong. I am actually protecting my children by not marrying because I earned those houses before meeting their Dad.