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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What the hell is going on?

51 replies

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 08:55

I've been seeing someone for a while now, a little over a year. We've had a few bumps in the road with his ex and him being what I thought was a heavy drinker. However, it turns out it's not actually alcohol.

He has a small circle of married friends that are rather upper class in many ways, big houses, posh cars etc. They enjoy massive binges of cocaine of a weekend, this is not for me and so I don't spend time with them. It has come to my attention that the man I'm seeing likes to indulge also, I have an issue with this as I have lost a couple of family members to drug ODs. I am aware however, that he is an adult and doesn't need my approval. This knowledge has impacted on the way I see our future together though, I won't deny it.

He has a male friend whom he spends a lot of time with. He is single and is rather immature for his age. He is about 10 years younger than my significant other, and when together I now understand it's not just drinking that goes on. They spend nights alone together in my OHs flat, having sessions all night and he leaves early morning.

A few weeks ago one evening, before I knew about most of this, I hadn't heard off him for around 7 hours. This is unusual but I didn't bother to seek attention. I text him before bed, he read it but didn't respond. The next morning there was still no response until he arrived at work. Something in my head said that this was odd. I asked if everything was ok and he said he'd been to said man's house the night before, his flat mate was away and he'd bought him a Chinese. He said his battery had died, and he didn't bother messaging back later because it was late.

Fast forward to this weekend. OH was in work, I'd stayed over and was tidying a little before I left as I always do. In a cupboard I came across empty cocaine bags, a card belonging to said friend and underneath all this was a pack of viagra pills that had been opened. Admittedly I did freak out, rang him and he said that he'd used the viagra with me earlier this year. It's not something he ever needs with me, so this doesn't seem plausible.

I have been left feeling like something is going on somewhere, and he doesn't want me to know. This man has shown up in local places when we've been out together, alone and joined us for drinks. He's always made an massive effort to be friendly with me, probably overly now I think about it. They also message frequently on Snapchat.

I'm aware this relationship isn't right for me, and am currently ending things, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking that maybe there is more to this friendship that meets the eye. I did ask in a message if something was going on and he didn't respond. It all sounds crazy I know. Does anyone else think there could be more than friendship between them?

OP posts:
Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 09:01

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TheAverageJoanne · 19/06/2023 09:05

Yeah just celebrate your lucky escape. Don't waste time stewing on him when you can be focusing on yourself.

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:06

I've already got all that in place. I cannot help my mind wandering though, and thinking they are more than friends. I've ordered an STI test in the meantime.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 19/06/2023 09:07

Get an STD check.

Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 09:10

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Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:13

@Behindthelines incorrect. Please read post again if you are struggling to understand. Thank you.

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 19/06/2023 09:15

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:13

@Behindthelines incorrect. Please read post again if you are struggling to understand. Thank you.

Do you need to be rude?

You're doing all the right things but speculating isn't going to help you or anyone else.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/06/2023 09:18

I think you have had a lucky escape. Drug bingeing swinger is not the most reliable partner.

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:22

@007DoubleOSeven

I have not been rude.

We all think about things. This is not a brief interlude with someone I hardly know. Unfortunately people don't just walk away without thinking about things. Life would be a ball if that was the case.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen yes I do think this could be the case with him. I don't wish to have the details, but do feel he's been doing the deed behind my back. Can't help but wonder if it's been going on for the last 15 months. It's all very fresh at the moment.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/06/2023 09:25

There is so much going on with this man. I'm glad you are ending it.

Nothing to do with this, but why on earth are you tidying his house?

Mmhmmn · 19/06/2023 09:26

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 08:55

I've been seeing someone for a while now, a little over a year. We've had a few bumps in the road with his ex and him being what I thought was a heavy drinker. However, it turns out it's not actually alcohol.

He has a small circle of married friends that are rather upper class in many ways, big houses, posh cars etc. They enjoy massive binges of cocaine of a weekend, this is not for me and so I don't spend time with them. It has come to my attention that the man I'm seeing likes to indulge also, I have an issue with this as I have lost a couple of family members to drug ODs. I am aware however, that he is an adult and doesn't need my approval. This knowledge has impacted on the way I see our future together though, I won't deny it.

He has a male friend whom he spends a lot of time with. He is single and is rather immature for his age. He is about 10 years younger than my significant other, and when together I now understand it's not just drinking that goes on. They spend nights alone together in my OHs flat, having sessions all night and he leaves early morning.

A few weeks ago one evening, before I knew about most of this, I hadn't heard off him for around 7 hours. This is unusual but I didn't bother to seek attention. I text him before bed, he read it but didn't respond. The next morning there was still no response until he arrived at work. Something in my head said that this was odd. I asked if everything was ok and he said he'd been to said man's house the night before, his flat mate was away and he'd bought him a Chinese. He said his battery had died, and he didn't bother messaging back later because it was late.

Fast forward to this weekend. OH was in work, I'd stayed over and was tidying a little before I left as I always do. In a cupboard I came across empty cocaine bags, a card belonging to said friend and underneath all this was a pack of viagra pills that had been opened. Admittedly I did freak out, rang him and he said that he'd used the viagra with me earlier this year. It's not something he ever needs with me, so this doesn't seem plausible.

I have been left feeling like something is going on somewhere, and he doesn't want me to know. This man has shown up in local places when we've been out together, alone and joined us for drinks. He's always made an massive effort to be friendly with me, probably overly now I think about it. They also message frequently on Snapchat.

I'm aware this relationship isn't right for me, and am currently ending things, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking that maybe there is more to this friendship that meets the eye. I did ask in a message if something was going on and he didn't respond. It all sounds crazy I know. Does anyone else think there could be more than friendship between them?

Sounds like whether he wants to admit it to you or himself or not, he's gay and can't cope with it so takes copious amounts of coke to self medicate and have a good time. And has been putting your health at risk if he's not using protection with his "friend".

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:27

@determinedtomakethiswork
I put away things I had there. I always put away pots and pans we use the night before. He usually cooks, I wash up and put away. That's just something we've come to do. Obviously won't be doing it anymore. They were all bunched up in a cupboard in his kitchen.

OP posts:
Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:29

@Mmhmmn I feel this may be the case. Little things slot into place later on. This has certainly been the case. I'm trying not to overthink things. But do feel there's reason to feel this way. There's much more now i look back.

OP posts:
SummerVino · 19/06/2023 11:38

Well you will never know for sure unless he comes out with it; but of course it is a possibility. It’s not the wildest thing to dream up. Thankfully you’ve seen the light and are getting rid before something bad happens. As to the viagra, could he be secretly taking it before intimate time? Sometimes men need it occasionally:.: just an idea but the truth will need to come from him!

TheoTheopolis23 · 19/06/2023 11:42

Do you need to be rude?

Lol

How absolutely typical that a poster responds in an entirely understandable tone to one of the many many judgy, accusatory, patronising posters who usually don't bother to read posts properly .... And she is accused of being rude/defensive/no wonder blah blah etc.

TheoTheopolis23 · 19/06/2023 11:43

Sounds like a gay/bi coke head.

You're doing the right thing by exiting this possible little non consenting (on your part) threesome (and the coke would be enough ok it's own tbh).

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 11:54

@SummerVino It's unlikely but not completely impossible I suppose. Day to day things like that were never really an issue. You're right though, unless he answers the question I will never know.

@TheoTheopolis23 Thank you for that. I feel quite often people come on these sites to be rude and berate people. I am always happy to respond in a similar manner.

The coke was a big issue for me, I did want to see if it was something we can have worked through. He's been very honest (or so I thought) about it, agreeing moving forward it was me or that basically. Obviously he has been covering tracks of more than one secret. Thank you again.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 12:05

I have been left feeling like something is going on somewhere

There's probably something going on somewhere but you can't quite see it because of the big flashing ISSUES sign that's right in front of you. If you don't live together, how long will the process of ending things that you're currently in take, do you think?

You'll probably never know, if he is having sex with this friend, he's presumably attracted to him, and wouldn't need the viagra with him if he doesn't with you? If you believe him that he didn't take it with you? Who knows, who has got the motivation to find out. Nothing much is less attractive than a middle aged addict OP, whether it's alcohol or cocaine, and if there's one think that an addict is skilled at, it's covering tracks.

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 12:13

@GoldDuster
I think you need to read the thread again, or not if you don't have the motivation.

OP posts:
JogOn123 · 19/06/2023 12:16

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guineacup · 19/06/2023 12:19

Admittedly I did freak out, rang him and he said that he'd used the viagra with me earlier this year. It's not something he ever needs with me, so this doesn't seem plausible.

How would you know this? Maybe you don't think he ever needs it with you precisely because he's been using it with you!

guineacup · 19/06/2023 12:21

guineacup · 19/06/2023 12:19

Admittedly I did freak out, rang him and he said that he'd used the viagra with me earlier this year. It's not something he ever needs with me, so this doesn't seem plausible.

How would you know this? Maybe you don't think he ever needs it with you precisely because he's been using it with you!

And if he needs it, he needs it!... irrespective of whether it's with you or someone else.

guineacup · 19/06/2023 12:24

The Coke is the issue here... I think your at be completely up the wrong street with the viagra.

Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 12:25

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GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 12:26

I don't think I need to read the thread again.

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