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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What the hell is going on?

51 replies

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 08:55

I've been seeing someone for a while now, a little over a year. We've had a few bumps in the road with his ex and him being what I thought was a heavy drinker. However, it turns out it's not actually alcohol.

He has a small circle of married friends that are rather upper class in many ways, big houses, posh cars etc. They enjoy massive binges of cocaine of a weekend, this is not for me and so I don't spend time with them. It has come to my attention that the man I'm seeing likes to indulge also, I have an issue with this as I have lost a couple of family members to drug ODs. I am aware however, that he is an adult and doesn't need my approval. This knowledge has impacted on the way I see our future together though, I won't deny it.

He has a male friend whom he spends a lot of time with. He is single and is rather immature for his age. He is about 10 years younger than my significant other, and when together I now understand it's not just drinking that goes on. They spend nights alone together in my OHs flat, having sessions all night and he leaves early morning.

A few weeks ago one evening, before I knew about most of this, I hadn't heard off him for around 7 hours. This is unusual but I didn't bother to seek attention. I text him before bed, he read it but didn't respond. The next morning there was still no response until he arrived at work. Something in my head said that this was odd. I asked if everything was ok and he said he'd been to said man's house the night before, his flat mate was away and he'd bought him a Chinese. He said his battery had died, and he didn't bother messaging back later because it was late.

Fast forward to this weekend. OH was in work, I'd stayed over and was tidying a little before I left as I always do. In a cupboard I came across empty cocaine bags, a card belonging to said friend and underneath all this was a pack of viagra pills that had been opened. Admittedly I did freak out, rang him and he said that he'd used the viagra with me earlier this year. It's not something he ever needs with me, so this doesn't seem plausible.

I have been left feeling like something is going on somewhere, and he doesn't want me to know. This man has shown up in local places when we've been out together, alone and joined us for drinks. He's always made an massive effort to be friendly with me, probably overly now I think about it. They also message frequently on Snapchat.

I'm aware this relationship isn't right for me, and am currently ending things, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking that maybe there is more to this friendship that meets the eye. I did ask in a message if something was going on and he didn't respond. It all sounds crazy I know. Does anyone else think there could be more than friendship between them?

OP posts:
BeachBlondey · 19/06/2023 12:28

My first thought would be prostitute coming to the house, rather than him being secretly gay.

Or it could be innocent - he and his friend do coke, friend goes home, your DP is horny but can't get an erection, so uses viagra.

The coke alone was enough reason to end it though.

Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 12:33

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marcopront · 19/06/2023 12:38

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This is what I thought.

If the OP is in the process of breaking up, I would consider her to still be in the relationship.

LaPerduta · 19/06/2023 12:40

I find it astonishing how many people on MN expect posters in dysfunctional relationships to be able to leave said relationships instantly. Even if marriage and children aren't part of the equation, you often need a period to take stock, deal with conflicting emotions, and choose a suitable time and way to end things.

7eleven · 19/06/2023 13:07

GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 12:26

I don't think I need to read the thread again.

You don’t. The OP is being unnecessarily combative.

MysteryBelle · 19/06/2023 13:08

Yes, he has a sexual relationship with the other person. Very obvious. Everything you’ve said supports that conclusion. You are his cover, his beard basically, as was the ex.

Glad you’ve ended it and will get checked out. I hope you find a decent guy who is not a liar, drug user, and cheat.

marcopront · 19/06/2023 13:12

LaPerduta · 19/06/2023 12:40

I find it astonishing how many people on MN expect posters in dysfunctional relationships to be able to leave said relationships instantly. Even if marriage and children aren't part of the equation, you often need a period to take stock, deal with conflicting emotions, and choose a suitable time and way to end things.

However the OP discovered things this weekend and insists she is not in the relationship now, so apparently managed to end it very quickly.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 19/06/2023 14:28

What a horrible grubby little mess this is.

I hope you manage to bring your ‘ending’ of things to a conclusion, pronto.

Honeychickpea · 19/06/2023 14:33

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/06/2023 09:25

There is so much going on with this man. I'm glad you are ending it.

Nothing to do with this, but why on earth are you tidying his house?

She's trying to make him see how beneficial she is to his life.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/06/2023 16:17

Honeychickpea · 19/06/2023 14:33

She's trying to make him see how beneficial she is to his life.

Or she was just putting away the hairdryer she'd used, putting the takeaway containers and the ketchup away...? Not everything is because she's some downtrodden little miss.

@Helloitsmeimincalifornia don't know why people are being so cunty on your thread and pulling you to pieces. If you say you're leaving the relationship, then who is any other ANONYMOUS poster to say you're not?

You'll probably never know, if he is having sex with this friend, he's presumably attracted to him, and wouldn't need the viagra with him if he doesn't with you?

Coke means you can't get it up for those of you not in the know.

Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 16:20

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Honeychickpea · 19/06/2023 17:45

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/06/2023 16:17

Or she was just putting away the hairdryer she'd used, putting the takeaway containers and the ketchup away...? Not everything is because she's some downtrodden little miss.

@Helloitsmeimincalifornia don't know why people are being so cunty on your thread and pulling you to pieces. If you say you're leaving the relationship, then who is any other ANONYMOUS poster to say you're not?

You'll probably never know, if he is having sex with this friend, he's presumably attracted to him, and wouldn't need the viagra with him if he doesn't with you?

Coke means you can't get it up for those of you not in the know.

No, that's heroin.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/06/2023 18:36

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Yes, I thought you meant you hadn’t yet ended things. Currently ending things sounds like a continuing process, possibly long.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/06/2023 18:50

I think it's more likely that their coke binges lead to booking sex workers.

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 19:06

Coke can definitely affect the todger.

007DoubleOSeven · 19/06/2023 19:23

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 19:06

Coke can definitely affect the todger.

Harry?

007DoubleOSeven · 19/06/2023 19:24

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:22

@007DoubleOSeven

I have not been rude.

We all think about things. This is not a brief interlude with someone I hardly know. Unfortunately people don't just walk away without thinking about things. Life would be a ball if that was the case.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen yes I do think this could be the case with him. I don't wish to have the details, but do feel he's been doing the deed behind my back. Can't help but wonder if it's been going on for the last 15 months. It's all very fresh at the moment.

Adding the word 'please' doesn't make it polite lol

Shapemyeyebrows · 19/06/2023 21:53

@Helloitsmeimincalifornia I don’t necessarily think there’s something going on between them two, it more sounds like they are each others wing man and they have coke binges and sex sessions when together, but I would say with other women rather than each other. Either way, there is so much wrong here and I really wouldn’t waste your time trying to figure out the details.

jelly79 · 19/06/2023 22:11

I would of thought coke binges and then sex workers / women but who knows.

Real issue is you didn't know this side of him existed and now you do .

Run OP and you will be happier x

MysteryBelle · 19/06/2023 23:09

007DoubleOSeven · 19/06/2023 19:23

Harry?

The whole thing sounds a lot like Harry 😂

FiddleLeaf · 19/06/2023 23:30

Snapchat is a good enough reason to end this farce

RememberNancyDrew · 20/06/2023 00:19

Can one be both a coke-user AND completely honest?

Bunny44 · 20/06/2023 00:37

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 08:55

I've been seeing someone for a while now, a little over a year. We've had a few bumps in the road with his ex and him being what I thought was a heavy drinker. However, it turns out it's not actually alcohol.

He has a small circle of married friends that are rather upper class in many ways, big houses, posh cars etc. They enjoy massive binges of cocaine of a weekend, this is not for me and so I don't spend time with them. It has come to my attention that the man I'm seeing likes to indulge also, I have an issue with this as I have lost a couple of family members to drug ODs. I am aware however, that he is an adult and doesn't need my approval. This knowledge has impacted on the way I see our future together though, I won't deny it.

He has a male friend whom he spends a lot of time with. He is single and is rather immature for his age. He is about 10 years younger than my significant other, and when together I now understand it's not just drinking that goes on. They spend nights alone together in my OHs flat, having sessions all night and he leaves early morning.

A few weeks ago one evening, before I knew about most of this, I hadn't heard off him for around 7 hours. This is unusual but I didn't bother to seek attention. I text him before bed, he read it but didn't respond. The next morning there was still no response until he arrived at work. Something in my head said that this was odd. I asked if everything was ok and he said he'd been to said man's house the night before, his flat mate was away and he'd bought him a Chinese. He said his battery had died, and he didn't bother messaging back later because it was late.

Fast forward to this weekend. OH was in work, I'd stayed over and was tidying a little before I left as I always do. In a cupboard I came across empty cocaine bags, a card belonging to said friend and underneath all this was a pack of viagra pills that had been opened. Admittedly I did freak out, rang him and he said that he'd used the viagra with me earlier this year. It's not something he ever needs with me, so this doesn't seem plausible.

I have been left feeling like something is going on somewhere, and he doesn't want me to know. This man has shown up in local places when we've been out together, alone and joined us for drinks. He's always made an massive effort to be friendly with me, probably overly now I think about it. They also message frequently on Snapchat.

I'm aware this relationship isn't right for me, and am currently ending things, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking that maybe there is more to this friendship that meets the eye. I did ask in a message if something was going on and he didn't respond. It all sounds crazy I know. Does anyone else think there could be more than friendship between them?

I had an (openly) bi ex who it turned out had a drug addiction and was cheating on me while on drugs. He tried to break up with me and finally confessed everything to me after 6 months and it was so so shocking. We remained friends despite all of this and I've tried to support him at a distance to get help. I learnt a lot from him about the gay drugs scene (and some of it is so dark and sketchy) but I wouldn't say cocaine is the first drug of choice from what I heard - is it definitely cocaine?

Hawkins0001 · 20/06/2023 00:59

The friend could be the cover and the ex may not be the ex

GooseyDiLoosey · 20/06/2023 01:10

Honeychickpea · 19/06/2023 17:45

No, that's heroin.

ACTUALLY it’s SPICE