can anyone offer me any advise

[bubblagirl]

i suffer really bad with insecurties

always convinced dp is looking at someone prettier than me

hate the thought of him reading papers with boobs hanging out i lack in this department

always putting myself down and its really getting to him weird thing is when his working away or i'm out i dont feel ugly or self concious just whenever i'm in same room as him

i think its because were not as loving as we used to be he used to pay me lots of compliments etc

he does tell me i'm beautiful but think he is so sick of doing this how do i make myself less insecure when i'm around him why do i do this when i'm around him

just wandered if someone else been ther eor does the same i feel like i'm going mad

as when i'm out i'm happy gop lucky feel gorgeous but guress i want to be looked at the same way by my dp as i do by men when i'm out

if i keep going on i fear he'll never look at me the same way

i have bit of baggy belly since having ds and really hate it if flat belly appears on screen i panic he wishes i look like that god i sound crazy i want o feel happy with myself

always going on about having no boobs and baggy belly but would love to have confidence to make him love that about me again as that was what attracted him to me in first place

any advise greatly appreciated even if you slap me and tell me to pull myself together

i jsut want to be desired again instead of god here we go again its getting boring for me and him yet i get like it hte min i'm around him

sorry for spelling writing quick so i didnt bottle out asking for help

• just kidding!! Aw bless you. I know it's horrid when your boobs and tum have failed you (am there too) Maybe it's because you know that the other people seeing you look gorgeous when you go out don't see what's underneath the clothes and make-up? I know that's how I used to feel .. .. BUT after a long talk with DH and a bit of action on my part it has improved. I bought some new undies. A cami type top which pushes boobs upwards and holds baby bulge in and a matching g-string (lucky for me my a$$ is still good ) It gave me the confidence to be sexy with him and I didn't have to remove it. He was chuffed I'd made such an effort, I was chuffed he was chuffed etc etc.

It's awful when your body changes and you don't feel as attractive. I know it's hard to convince yourself but honestly that dp of yours still finds you as attractive as before. Men aren't as hung up on looks as us women think (well, the nice ones aren't anyway ). Try not to be so hard on yourself

Hi, I hope you don't mind me doing a bit of a hijack but I just wondered if Chrissnow could tell me where she got her cami type top from, please, pretty please Anything that pushes up and holds in sounds good to me! I must have one! TIA.

I felt like you last year and started doing more keep-fit and lost a bit of weight and I feel fantastic now. I know it is hard if you are short on time but I do 15-30mins a day, once kids are in bed, working on problem areas and I feel fitter now than I did in my 20's (I'm 43 now and back in a size 10!). I know that it shouldn't matter how you look, but if it can boost your confidence a bit then it may be worth giving it a go!

i do exercise every day and my legs and bum are my best asset so i guess i'll do the whole showing off my good areas and covering bits i dont like

i just hate how i feel when i'm around him i should believe what he says but i just dont seem to allow myself to

maybe i'll make more effort daily to feel sexy and try new things when he gets home to be more confident

there really isnt anything more ugly then no confidence

i dont look that much different to when we first got together but just hate how my belly looks i had the most flattest belly before ds was born its not huge but its baggy at front so sexy knickers look odd although i've been doing exercises has firmed slightly looks good under french knickers

need to experiment with different clothes and just get my confidence back

thanks for advise feels better to be able to talk to someone on how i feel as i''m always the advise giver with friends but they all seem to busy if i have a problem so guess i have too much time to think and work myself up

It sounds like your insecurity problems are deeply rooted. Something or more likely someone started this off within you some time ago. Was it for instance an ex who kept making unkind remarks about your appearance?.

Hard as it is when such patterns are ingrained, stop putting your own self down. Your man likely does look at other women when you go out but these are glances and as such are normal. You glance at other men. Your partner chose you above every other woman and you'e had a child together. You certainly do not want to project such anxieties on to your son so deal with this now. This negativity
towards your own appearance needs to change.
Sometimes post natal depression can be tied up with all this too. Your man needs to show you support.

Some counselling to regain a good sense of self image will be beneficial to you. I reckon you look just fine and you're being overtly critical of yourself. However, unless you truly say "I am okay" and truly believe that for your own self, new clothes in themselves won't help.

attila so spot on do you know me lol

yes ex partner used to compare me to people all the time and cheated on me several times

i know my dp will not do this to me i just want things to go back to normal to feel good again to feel like i'm the best woman for him

now i'm beginning to see i am but i'm making it hard for him

thank you you made me cry its as if you just new me in those first few lines

i do need to talk to people to make me see sence as i have a good thing but risk ruining it by hating myself so much
when i know i shouldnt and yes very over critical of myself

thank you

Time for me - Its from a local lingerie chain. Made by Ted Baker (yes really) Its really stretchy so 'holds' quite nicely, but is a really thin pretty material so doesn't look/feel like control underwear. I have hoooge norks so for max control I do tend to wear the matching bra underneath if I'm perticularly self concious.

Oh and bubblagirl - also know how you feel re: problem solver for everyone else . . . I'm like that and because people think oh she's so strong, doesn't need advice you continue to perpetuate that myth. So when you need some help you don't feel you can ask anyone and end up projecting your feelings of helplessness towards your dp/dh in some way. After all they know you warts and all anyway. . . .
So when you feel this way. Stop. Think. Mumsnet!!!! We'll listen, advise, not judge and give you a slap if needs be .

don't say things about yourself that are degrading any more. and when you think 'oh i'm so ugly' or whatever, say to yourself 'i am a beautiful person, inside and out' .say it again and again. you will start to believe it because it's true

thank you all its so nice to be able to say out loud how i feel and what i can be like as yes poor dp is only one around who will listen to me

dont have many close friends anymore wrere only close when they want something so its just me and my thoughts all the time thank god for mn as it is really beginning to help me

i'm glad i can open up to you guys and get slapped when needing one lol

thank you i do feel i know i'm to hard on myself and my dp the fact he works long hrs and i'm on my own alot doesnt help so i want to enjoy the time we spend together instead of needing reassurance evry day

so thank you i'm glad to have someone understand me i was in need of a friend xx

Hi bubblagirl

I was quite touched to read your response to me.

No hun I don't know you personally but several of my female friends have had these same issues with their self image due to unkind comments made by ex's (amongst other people). Their words hurt them emotionally and I wrote as I did because they spoke very similarly of their own selves.

I would urge you to speak to a counsellor as these problems can become deeply seated if they are allowed to fester. The good thing is that you are seeing this is a problem now. BACP have a list of counsellors in your area and they are not going to charge you the earth either. I'll put up their web details for you.

You can overcome this - you have to take a leap of faith and believe you can do it. would ever be. Put a note to yourself on your mirror saying "I am beautiful and proud" where you can read it everyday. It may sound trite but it could help. Think of five good things about yourself and write them down. An assertiveness course may also be helpful - see if the council or YMCA run one such thing.

I wish you well.

Attila x

www.bacp.co.uk

thank you it just touched me what you said as all of a sudden i cried while reading it i knew why i am the way i am as he was horrible and took me along time to get away from him and never really dealt with it as such

i stayed on my own as really wanted to be content alone before i got in another relationship

i guess my hang ups are just deep rooted things that was said to me time and time again but my man is not like my ex he is great

not the most understanding at times but he is fab to still be here with me he really does love me and it makes me well up as when i say it i know it i guess i worry about getting hurt again

plus my friends are always more concerened about me helping them out then dont here from them until next problem i'll tell them i want to talk and i dont here from them so i do spend to much time thinking and beating myself up

i guess i feel down about everything as i always help others and sometimes need someone to wrap there arms around me and help me out

or just to have a girly gossip moan and a laugh alot of my friend smoved away at the same time so only left with the unreliables now lol

never mind coming on here has helped me vent my feelings and i feel a weight has lifted as finally fel someone wants to help me for a change so A BIG THANK YOU ALL

oh sent my dp a picture of my boobs lol telling himthey may be small but there beautiful and all mine

he phoned me and told me i am his sexy girl so thats a start and i actually felt sexy too lol just thought id share it with you even though i'll probably wander why i did in a min he he

i'll just be more positive and enjoy my little family and be more confident wont happen over night but i'll work on it cant thank you enough for listening

need to think of another problem now lol we could be in for a loooong night he he xx

Excellent!!! I like your style. That just shows me you do have some confidence there somewhere. Keep it up

btw - I really think you need to distance yourself from these 'unreliable' friends. Make some new, nice friends. I know easier said than done (and coming from someone who never goes to Mother and toddler groups etc I know I have no right!!) I understand what its like to be away from all of your long term good mates. I moved 150 miles away from my friends and family to be with DH. Luckily they all keep in touch, but I have precious few down here. I think once you've got your confidence back though, you'll be attracting new people to you left right and centre.

oh thank you so much for your kind words at least i can get some on here

feel so much better went and bought some new underwear today and havent asked him once for reassurance

every time i feel i want to i've gone and cleaned something to take me out of room to get over it

ive given him lots of cuddles and lingering kisses to so fingers crossed i can keep this up and maybe later i'll be hoping i can do the same but for something else lol

thanks again it snice having someone yopu dont know care enough to offer help

forgot to say chrissnow your dd are gorgeous x

thank you. They're not being very gorgeous today though. . . full of snot, being stroppy (probably due to lack of sleep 'cus of snottiness and coughing). They've driven me to near madness today. Put them up for their nap am now going to bed myself with a stinking headache.
Hope you had a (nudge wink) good weekend

well imust say i havent been as bad as i normally am and yes both days over the wekend we managed to get some quality time shall i say

and yesterday was great felt great didnt think i l;ooked great but he werent complaining so yes things are good at the moment

i have still asked the odd do i look sexy or i would love to look like that but realised and stopped and started joking around changing subject

i hope i can keep this up always go on a meltdown when he starts working terrible hours and in terrible moods i need to work on the its not me just the job

still the weekend was a start so hooray for my efforts

hope dd feel better soon terrible when they not well hope your headache goes and you feel better too x

I'm really glad things are looking up for you. AFter a while it should just become second nature (in the same way as putting yourself down unfortuntely has). Then when things get bad you'll be far better equipped to cope and you may even be able to help him out of it!!! My DH goes through foul moods when he's got stress on at work. Pre-babies I used to either help him out or tell him to get bent depending on how foul he was to me!! Post babies I used to get really upset and somehow shoulder the blame and get myself stressed too. I've since picked myself up and now I'm back to 'get bent!!'
dds still snotty but a bit happier. Slept well last night (so I'm told. As ever when they sleep well I'm at work all night so don't get the benefit!!) Headache finally went after paracetamal and coca cola!!

glad to hear they slept well

what work do you do?

before ds i sed to be able to just go out and meet friends for drinks if things got to stressed at home of course i just cant do that now and the friends i used to drink with appeared unfortunatly to be just drinking buddies real life was to boring for them

now i have handful of friends asd i said before are not there when i need them i'm there when they want me

my good friends live away from me now so can only phone we are unable to meet often as neither of us drive and bus routes are a night mare if you have dc as long journeys

i l;ike browsing on here and reading threads sometimes things i have on my mind someone else has mentioned

i manage to kill alot of threads lol so usually think there's something wrong with me lol

i'm pleased to say we had special time again this morning and lovely evening last night i think his had is yearly quota ain few days lol

at least were getting some closeness back and that makes me feel attractive

thankyou for your words of wisdom

hope dd feel better today x

forgot to ask where in essex you live? i'm also in essex