Am I a terrible person?

[Alwaystiredzzz]

I went out last night with some friends and I ended up getting sooo drunk which Iwasn’t my intention then I ended up cheating on my husband with some random guy I didn’t even like by kissing him and dancing with him for some of the night. I feel terrible and wracked with guilt and has made me realise how much I love my husband. The thought of him finding out makes me feel sick. Am I a terrible person?

If this is what you’re like when drunk, then you shouldn’t be drinking.

You should stop drinking.

It was just kissing and dancing nothing else. I feel so bad I never want to drink again. I hate myself right now.

I don’t think you should hate yourself but for your husbands sake you should let him. I personally wouldn’t end a marriage over something like this but if he does he’s entitled to.

Unless someone spikes your drink I always feel being drunk or on drugs isn’t a valid excuse as to why someone did something as it was them who got themselves in that state.

I agree many of the answers would be different if this was a male OP saying he cheated on his wife.

Oops that was meant to say “For your husband sake you should let him know “

It was just kissing and dancing nothing else. I feel so bad I never want to drink again. I hate myself right now.

Without wishing to be hurtful, unless you figure out why you ended up doing this, you will almost certainly do it again.

Do the friends who were out with you (and presumably know you well) know? Are they able to give you advice which is genuinely helpful?

This

You need to deal with the root cause of why you got blind drunk and were unfaithful to your husband. Getting people on here to say "there there you're not as bad person" doesn't make you really own your action and do something about it. If you're having relationship problems, face up to that and sort it out with your husband, he doesn't deserve that.

It isn't double-standards if those same people are casual about what their DPs do, it could be they're cool about it and don't see the problem. But their responses validate the OPs bad behaviour which is pretty damn awful if they value their marriage. That's the real problem here.

We've all done things we regret when drunk. Alcohol doesn't make you cheat though. It has lowered your inhibitions and allowed you to do what you wanted in the moment. If he's likely to find out, I'd tell him before he finds out from someone else. If not, then just try to forget about it as living with the guilt is punishment enough. And at the end of the day, it was just a kiss, not sex.

Ahhh glad to see posters not bothered about cheating- does this extend to your partners?

If you were a man OP or a woman posting about a cheating husband- you’d be told to LTB.

Did you use protection? Are you planning on telling your partner what you’ve done?

Terrible behaviour imo.

You’re not a terrible person but you did a bad thing. I think you need to have a little think to why this happened, were you really drunk meaning is drinking a problem or is there something not right in your relationship? I’m not trying to be mean but there may be more reasons to this than you think.
It’s up to you if you want to tell him, would you be able to keep quiet about it and feel okay? Did any of your friends see and would they say?
If you’re honest with your husband is this something you two can work through?

I think if this was a man we would all be telling him to be honest and to work harder on his relationship.

What you did was hurtful and disrespectful to yourself and your husband. I would be honest with your husband about what happened and rethink your relationship with alcohol as it's bringing destruction and chaos to your life. The benefits of any temporary relaxation or confidence brought on by drinking is diminished when you wake up and realise you've done shit like this under the influence that you know had you been sober you would have acted differently.

I did this once, got very drunk and spent a lot of time dancing with and snogging some random bloke in the dance floor. Couldn't even remember his face the next day.
I wasn't married at the time. Was living with my (now) DH but we weren't serious in the sense of making long term plans.
Nevertheless I felt awful. I still do. It's just not me! Or so I thought. It's something I would never even gave considered if I hadn't been completely off my face. I never told him but I learnt from it. I'm not someone who can get drunk. I was responsible for letting myself get in to that state and now I never drink more than a couple of glasses of wine. It's just not worth it.

I kissed a friend during my marriage when very very drunk. I barely remembered it next day. I told my wife the next morning and have never seen that friend or any mutual friends since. My wife forgave me but it ended the few scraps of trust she had in me as we had been affair partners and left spouses for each other. I'd say it was the death blow to our marriage that already had a lot of toxicity within it. We remain together still. As people have said, we deserve each other for our past behaviours. I can see why people say that and our future remains very uncertain.

I've never done it again and never will but I can only say that because I've done a lot of work on myself to understand why I needed validation so badly from others and could not validate myself. The most helpful and hardest was compassion focussed therapy as it happens. Got me away from 'poor me, my life was hard, please care for me' to 'my life was hard and so I need to learn to both sit with and care for myself so I can truly care for others'

So OP whether you tell your husband is down to you. I'd say on balance most people deserve to know but every couple is different so no-one here can give you the right answer. I would say consider hard why you did it - don't just blame alcohol, that is what removed an inhibitor. There'll be something there that needs some work.

I'd be devastated if my husband did the same.

You need to decide whether you're going to tell him. If there's any chance of him finding out from the man or one of your friends (or someone in the club) I would tell him first.

I'd also consider giving up alcohol.

No. Forget it. But - if it makes you feel bad - then maybe try to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Why is your ID @Notsuchaniceguy? It seems a bit naff that people stay in toxic situations because they hurt each other, and now they deserve to suffer.

Some people or couples bring out the best in each other, some people bring out the worst in one another.

However people are afraid of leaving because biologically we have more chances of survival with someone else, even if unhappy. People most often don't change because they want to but because they have to.

I chose that ID because I've had quite a few people tell me how 'nice' I am and through MN and other reading I'd looked at myself as a possible covert narcissist as a way of explaining - not excusing- past behaviours, some of which I had carried deep shame about throughout my life.

Wondering if Perhaps others only saw my narcissistic mask as I used them for validation was a painful realisation across the last 18 months.

After therapy I'm less certain of that label. My therapist knows every thing that I've done that I was ashamed of, and my concerns about narcissism and is a highly qualified psychologist so hopefully knows their stuff and isn't seeing me that way. They do acknowledge that what I did hurt people, I'm not getting an easy ride.

I'd say now it's more that I have at times acted in self-interested and self-absorbed ways that have led me to hurt others and been able to lock that knowledge of what I'd done away behind doors. Whenever a door opened, I'd feel intense shame and attack myself so much that it made it impossible to try to undo what I'd done, or apologise or understand why I'd done it. The shame was unbearable so alleviated by avoidance, self attack, self harm or doing something else to feel validated by someone.

Only by practicing compassion have I been able to sit with what I've done (affair and leaving my first wife, the kiss and so on) and understand why I did it and how never to do it again.

Staying together even though we might be better off apart is mainly financial. My wife does not want to lose our lifestyle and be in a small rented flat in her fifties. I would be ok with that for me but I don't see why I should gain something at her expense.

Maybe my username should be manwhohasdonesomebadthingsandistryingtodobetter - or just lessofanassholethanIwas

Yes I know I can never get into a situation like that again. There is some issues in my relationship with my husband that we do need to sort out. We haven’t had sex since our youngest was born and that was about 3 years ago and he doesn’t make any attempts. I’ve tried to talk to him but he gets get’s defensive so I just don’t really try either anymore. So I guess I must of liked the attention when I was drunk. I just want to move on from it now and try start a fresh.

This sort of thing has always been found out. Your friends will let it slip or worse, someone you don’t even recognise could know your husband and recognise you from fb.

That sounds tough. Wanting a physical relationship in a marriage is reasonable and I'm sorry you haven't been able to work through that together. Wanting attention from others is also a reasonable human desire. Getting it the way you did is understandable and will be forgivable by some and not by others. Not doing it again and taking steps to ensure you don't is key now.

On that I'd say that not working on the lack of intimacy and the reasons for it in your marriage will be a problem and risks repeat behaviour or worse or a build up of resentment that means you both suffer in other ways.

Of course you can't make him do the work but you can think about what you will do if he doesn't and what will be best or least worst for him, you and your family. Be honest with yourself though, it's easy to say one can tolerate something such as no intimacy for evermore when it might be better to recognise that if one can't, then ending as kindly as one can is a better option.

Good luck OP

Yes.

Exactly what @Notsuchaniceguy (or lessofanassholethanIwas) said. Sounds like you've got a great therapist there, and well done for putting in the work.

Your update adds a lot of context to your 'mistake', @Alwaystiredzzz 🙁 It seems reasonable to interpret this as a warning that you are, in fact, very unhappy with the state of your marriage. I really hope there is some way for the pair of you to improve it.