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Original poster

how do I get over the guy I’m having an affair with and love my partner?

32 replies

Notmollybutdolly · 18/06/2023 19:24

sorry For long post..I just need to let this go.

ive been with my fiance 7 years. We have a 3 year old. She is the absolute light of our lives.

in the past he’s messaged girls (once or twice) but nothings came of it. I found a video of him wanking over a pic of a girl he was seeing 10 years ago. Anyway we worked things out and things have been up and down. But we haven’t had sex since our child was born.

i cheated on him late last year and started an affair with the guy, who had just been cheated on by his fiancée. We met up and had the most mind blowing sex on many occasions and had this mad chemistry I’ve never had with anyone before. Last time we met was in April. We used to talk a lot on the phone and text. Now it’s just sporadic snap chats. He’s just been away on a guys holiday and seems to have went quiet.
i messaged him last night to ask:is it the end of our journey together, and he replied saying ‘nothings ever over’
my fiancé and I have been getting on well but as friends. I know he loves me and wants a sexyal relationship but I’ve told him I don’t. I want us to co parent as I do love him but I just can’t imagine being physical with him. We’ve never had a particularly sexual relationship since we got together but with the other guy it’s like an animalistic part of me comes out with no inhibitions.
im just wondering what to do.
the other guy - how do I get over him?
fiance - how do I love him like how he deserves to be loved?
im so torn. I feel like the other guy doesn’t want anything which is fine but I just can’t get over him. I’m obsessed with him.
please help me.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 18/06/2023 19:29

Your relationship with your fiance is dead. What is the point of it? Give it up.

Then you can decide whether to pursue things with the other guy. Maybe he doesnt want an affair, but wants more? Or maybe it is over, but how can you know?

SummerVino · 18/06/2023 19:29

If you don’t love him, you can’t make yourself do so. Love is a natural thing that should come to you naturally , will you ever truly be happy forcing yourself to love your fiancé? I don’t want to sound blunt, but You should probably reconsider marrying him based on what you’ve said so far. If you’re obsessed with someone else, then I doubt marrying someone else will help.
You need to decide if what you have with the other guy is just fantasy- is it the thrill of it being secret? Is it the fact that you’re getting the best of the other guy without seeing the real him? It seems a very complicated situation. Either way, you clearly don’t have strong Romantic feelings for your partner and you need to confront that! Good luck.

SpringOn · 18/06/2023 19:32

Your poor kid.

She’s the light of your life yet you are fucking up hers.

Grow up.

Bearpawk · 18/06/2023 19:35

Sounds like AP is playing a blinder here - using you for sex, getting up to all sorts on holiday as he owes you nothing yet still stringing you along.
Come on love have some self respect.
Either put it behind you and work on your relationship or tell DH and leave him if too don't love him at all.

Frogmila · 18/06/2023 19:42

Block and delete the other man. Let him know if you must. Then think about your partner. The future of your relationship cannot be predicated upon whether or not your affair partner wants to see you anymore. You need to be honourable and make that decision yourself.

Susieb2023 · 18/06/2023 19:44

’anyway we worked things out and things have been up and down. But we haven’t had sex since our child was born.’

No you didn’t work things out. It sounds as though you rugswept his behaviour and now the rot has set in. Your relationship is sexless, he wants more and you’re having an affair with a man who appears to be using you.

This is such an unhealthy situation for your little one. Every moment you’re spending on this waste of space of an AP is a moment you’re taking from your family.

Block this guy and then get yourself into counselling and work out your next step forwards. They may involve getting away from any unhealthy relationships with any man for a bit!

GoldDuster · 18/06/2023 19:45

Your DP doesn't stand a chance while you're daydreaming about animalistic romps with another man.

Show your DP some respect, he deserves better than being used a a rent a spouse to keep up appearances and take to BBQs and do the odd parent's evening. Decide if you want a relationship with him or not and act accordingly.

Show yourself some respect and stop bouncing all over a man who doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about him.

Sundance03 · 18/06/2023 19:46

I've never understood how people with kids have time to have an affair... And especially without the Oh finding out. Leave your current partner... You've already ruined the relationship by cheating on him.

Chatillon · 18/06/2023 19:46

I am in agreement with @SpringOn. All three of you sound like emotionally immature losers. Your poor daughter needs role models.

DanceMonster · 18/06/2023 19:47

Are you expecting your partner to live a sex free life forever, then, or will you be happy if he has a sexual relationship elsewhere while living with you ‘as friends’?

HostaLuago · 18/06/2023 19:55

Tell your partner about the mind blowing sex you've been having then he will probably stop bugging you for sex.

Oh and the ap, he doesn't want you, he's just using you. You clearly fancy him more than your child's father though, that's unfortunate.

ProfessorXtra · 18/06/2023 19:59

The bloke you are having an affair with is making sure you are available as and when he wants to pick you and then will drop you again. You get over him by realising what a prick he is. His fiancé cheating on him doesn’t justify him treating you like a sex doll.

You end your relationship with your partner, properly. You don’t live and aren’t attracted to him. End it and spend sometime single figuring out why you keep finding yourself in this position. Being with unsuitable men.

Epidote · 18/06/2023 20:08

Why you can't imagine being physical with your partner and you have a very phisical relationships with the other guy?

Are you having a sort of trauma after your daughter birth and you think your partner is going to judge your parenting skills if you have animal sex with him?

Are you put off sex with him because you never were very into him?

Do you love him because he cares of you but you are not in love with him?

Do you think he was just good enough and now you have seen that you can get more from someone else?

It has to be a reason, not a excuse. Find it and once you know why you are doing what you are doing you will start to untangle the mess you have created.

No real advice because only you know deep down why you are doing this.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/06/2023 20:10

Life’s a bitch sometimes

sometimes this happens and you will probably realise that neither relationship will work out

the AP probably isn’t that serious about you , is likely seeing others and no doubt loves the animal sex

I can’t see you (or anyone ) being able to be intimate with fiancé and I’d certainly not marry him ! Hell no

you need to think as maybe neither Man is in your LT future x

BranchGold · 18/06/2023 20:50

Are you going to have an open relationship that your partner is wholly on board with?

continentallentil · 18/06/2023 20:52

Well your relationship with your fiancé is dead so sort your self out financially and logistically to let that go.

The other one just sounds like a shag so treat it as such.

Eleganz · 18/06/2023 21:01

Well, you sound like every cheater on the planet. The sex is always "mind-blowing" and the chemistry is always "mad". Your AP clearly doesn't think so as he can quite happily go months without contacting you and is just stringing you along.

You've already basically told your fiancé that your romantic relationship is over. I'm guessing he is sticking around because he is scared about not being able to see his daughter, there are significant financial implications to you splitting up or he is in denial and is hoping that the relationship will some how fix itself.

My view is that you need to end both relationships and do some serious work on yourself before embarking on another, not least for your daughter's sake.

CuriouslyDifferent · 18/06/2023 21:12

Grow up.

standardduck · 18/06/2023 21:33

Your relationship with your fiancé is over.

I think he deserves to know the truth, so he can move on. Unless he is aware of your affair and you have an open relationship?

pimplebum · 18/06/2023 21:34

Be alone
Only way to think clearly
If it's ment to be with either of then it will be

Cakeorchocolate · 18/06/2023 21:48

You are being completely unfair to your partner.

How would you feel if you found out he'd been having an affair?
Would it bother you?
Or would you be fine with it and carry on as you both are?
Or would it kick you up the bum to end your partnership?

I'm not sure whether you need to just let him go and let him potentially find someone who can love him or whether you should get into counselling (probably solo for you and couples) but I'd think that's more for him to decide.

Opentooffers · 18/06/2023 22:01

Not sure your DP earns your respect. I wouldn't want him either after seeing that video. But the answer is not to go elsewhere, then right thing is to end the farce of a relationship you are in.
Take from the affair that there's a better life to be had from your current situation, with more fulfilling sex and better communication hopefully. But don't aim for your current AP as an alternative, there's a reason why he's with you as an attached woman, and its probably that he's after nothing more than casual.
Your world won't end because there's no man in your life. It's not healthy to fear being alone, that's how people end up putting up with crap.

GG1986 · 18/06/2023 22:33

Get rid of both of them, your husband deserves someone who loves him and the other guy wants to keep you hanging, don't let him use you when it suits x

windowopen · 18/06/2023 22:59

Move on. This is shocking behaviour all round.

justsaxy · 19/06/2023 01:37

PP have said it how it is.

Now you need to pluck up the courage and do it