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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL depositing unwanted funds to my account

44 replies

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 11:46

Hi. Try and keep this short ish
PTR mother - I'll call MIL for ease. We've always had a tense relationship, she's v headstrong and struggling with accepting support as getting older (88). She and FIL live together, he has dementia, she various respiratory illnesses. Day to day muddle along. V anxious post covid, minimal visitors, not going out etc. Very much poor me, everyone against her, refuses offers of help and has cancelled carers post hospital stays.
During covid we did their shopping online through my account and she transferred money via her bank to me - Morrisons have since taken over her shopping by phone.
Bank transfers from MIL have continued for birthdays (PTR, his DC) as she no longer goes out for cash or cards etc.
Problem - she forgot she'd paid some money to my account in Jan and this raised a fraud investigation and full bank suspension on my account last month ! Took days to resolve because she stubbornly refused to admit to the bank she'd forgot making the payment. PTR explained it to her both what the payment was for and the need to resolve the issue but point blank refused! She has form for never being wrong and blamed me (don't know why as she hangs up if questioned)
Eventually resolved and both of us ask her to not pay money into my bank again - I cannot risk further investigations, possible account closures, marker on my account etc.
Friday she put money into my account for my ptr birthday - totally going against the request.
What can I do ?
I tried my bank after initial incident and they say cannot block payments.
It v much feels harassing, she knows our wishes but doesn't want to be told what to do.
Any thoughts? GP feel she's of sound mind as last year we raised some issues but she's good at masking her forgetfulness and mean behaviour.

Thanks

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 18/06/2023 11:51

In case of the accusation of fraud again can you send her a text message confirm that you had "received £X into your account today for PTR birthday" and screenshot it and any reply, that way you have a written record of the time and day and hopefully that'll prompt her into not forgetting the transaction.

Aprilx · 18/06/2023 11:54

Can you just send it back?

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 11:55

@Singleandproud thank you for your reply.
She doesn't have a mobile or email unfortunately and the house is a hoarders paradise so a letter would get lost in the carrier bags of other ignored post.

I really don't want to have to change an account I've had 20 plus years for the sake of her stubbornness

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 18/06/2023 11:55

Change bank accounts and don't tell her the new account.

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 11:55

@Aprilx never had her bank details and the bank say they cannot just do return to sender

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 18/06/2023 11:56

What about telling her that you've closed that account down so she needs to delete it as you won't receive any further payments ... is she making the transfers from an app, can you delete it yourself?, or does she have the number written down.

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 11:56

@Aprilx never had her bank details and the bank say they cannot just do return to sender

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 18/06/2023 11:57

I agree with a PP that you just close that account and open a new one.

Flustercuckoo · 18/06/2023 12:02

Why is she sending money for your partner to your account rather than his?

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:03

@Ilikewinter @Octavia64 @TheSnowyOwl

She uses phone banking.

I guess if there are no other options I'll have to change my account but I really resent the hassle of that for what is a simple request - but I suppose peace of mind would make it worth it

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:06

@Flustercuckoo
She was v much a cash only person before covid so never did phone or online banking or DDs so never had PTR bank details. She had mine to pay for shopping during covid as it was my online account and it was for ease for her.
Tbh going forward ptr doesn't want her sending anything to him either - no birthday money is worth your account being suspended or possibly closed on the day of a stubborn old woman

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:07

OP posts:

TheCig · 18/06/2023 12:08

Octavia64 · 18/06/2023 11:55

Change bank accounts and don't tell her the new account.

Yes, the best plan I think

Singleandproud · 18/06/2023 12:08

I would leave that account open just for her but transfer to First Direct (benefiting from the £175 transfer bonus) for my day to day banking. First Direct are brilliant and their customer service amazing so it would be a good move anyway.

tweener · 18/06/2023 12:11

Change bank accounts. But ensure you close your account and manually move bills and standing orders. If you use a switch service the old bank passes any money received to your new account for 2 years I think it is.

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:13

@Singleandproud
Thank you for the recommendation - I'll definitely consider them.
We don't want her money though - unfortunately this is just the tip of the iceberg or should I say the straw that broke the camels back. My ptr has blocked her calls, though we can receive voice messages if anything is genuinely serious and not just her howling at us for some other random perceived slight.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 18/06/2023 12:19

If she has form for forgetting payments and refusing to co-operate with you to the extent of a fraud investigation than changing bank account so she can no longer affect you is the way to go.

It is a grade A pain but maybe think of it as less hassle than repeated fraud investigations (whether intentional or not it is likely previous behaviour will be repeated).

If you are already low contact and want to cut off completely then once you are sure everything is transferred over shut the account and then play confused when/if she asks you.

Oh, I don't know why you couldn't pay money in, the bank must have made a mistake. No, we've not made any changes. Sorry, can't help you etc etc etc

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:21

@tweener thank you for that info 👍

OP posts:

CovertImage · 18/06/2023 12:21

God, you really hate her don't you? You've accused an 88 year old woman living with a man with dementia and having respiratory illnesses as being "Very much poor me, everyone against her"

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:23

@Octavia64
Yeah an absolute pain (like herself 😂). I'll get onto it after payday I think. No birthdays for next little while anyway

OP posts:

CarlaH · 18/06/2023 12:25

Why is somebody putting money into your account resulting in a fraud enquiry?

Original poster

Bigsislookingforadvice · 18/06/2023 12:27

@CovertImage
Just because she's old doesn't change her personality 🙄 she has no contact with any of her side of her family, her daughter is birthdays and Christmases only. She's a full on pain. I love older people and I'm very sad I cannot have the relationship I'd like with her and Fil by default.
We've been used, abused and accused of all-sorts - don't judge until you've walked a mile in my shoes

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/06/2023 12:27

Who is saying it's fraud? She transferred money to your account. She said she did it on purpose. Where does the fraud come in?

ThatFraggle · 18/06/2023 12:27

Octavia64 · 18/06/2023 12:19

If she has form for forgetting payments and refusing to co-operate with you to the extent of a fraud investigation than changing bank account so she can no longer affect you is the way to go.

It is a grade A pain but maybe think of it as less hassle than repeated fraud investigations (whether intentional or not it is likely previous behaviour will be repeated).

If you are already low contact and want to cut off completely then once you are sure everything is transferred over shut the account and then play confused when/if she asks you.

Oh, I don't know why you couldn't pay money in, the bank must have made a mistake. No, we've not made any changes. Sorry, can't help you etc etc etc

Don't pretend you don't know. Just say you've closed the account. Can you have the new one? No. Last time you did a fraud investigation.

ThatFraggle · 18/06/2023 12:27

CovertImage · 18/06/2023 12:21

God, you really hate her don't you? You've accused an 88 year old woman living with a man with dementia and having respiratory illnesses as being "Very much poor me, everyone against her"

Some people moan endlessly.

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