Anyone else not in the "inner circle"?

[babbscrabbs]

I have lots of friendship groups and I like them all, but I feel like I'm not in the inner circle for any of them.

Example 1 - good friends with two others, we met through our partners - I've become aware they meet up regularly together without me however (they knew each other first). I do sometimes see them without the other but much less frequently

Example 2 - big group of friends through a hobby - one recently had a big birthday and invited all but me and I happened to be at same venue, it was awkward and tbh I felt quite upset ( two others who had recently joined the team also hadn't been invited - see my other thread)

Example 3 - mum friends, they're lovely but live nearer each other and all have dogs so regularly meet for dog walking and in local pub etc and I feel like a bit of an afterthought

Example 4 - my uni friends - we're still close, but don't live near each other - they now are in their own "inner circles" elsewhere of mum / work / local friends

Example 5 - old work friends who I love dearly but we now only see each other maybe once or twice a year

Example 6 - school mum friends - always popping in for coffees etc around each other's houses, I invite them or suggest coffee out but seem to always get declined, we only do social things very rarely beyond that.

So despite having lots of friends, I don't feel I "belong" and often feel lonely. I feel like something must be wrong with me that I don't have these deep connections. I'm told by more demonstrative friends that I'm good company and I think I'm a good listener too, we often get beyond small talk and laugh a lot. I find I drive the majority of interactions / meet ups.

Am I alone?

Am exactly the same. Solidarity but no advice I'm afraid!

No, you're not alone. I'm in a very similar position.

I sometimes think that if my boyfriend and I split up, I wouldn't see or speak to anyone! It's also always me who gets in touch to arrange things with them.

I don't really know what the answer is.

Same here but I love being by myself so I don't mind. Get comfortable with yourself is my advice. Currently sitting in the sofa reading whilst people are doing whatever they are doing. It's bliss to have no plans or expectations.

Same here. Perhaps we should all start a friendship group and be our inner circle

You ARE the inner circle!

You don't need a circle 💕

It sounds like a matter of luck/circumstances that you’re not in the “inner circle”.

Also you do seem blessed with a lot of friendship groups so many everyone thinks that the other group is your “close” friendship group so assume you’ll have plans already. At least you’re not getting pity invites!

I know what you mean. In fact I stopped seeing one group as I found it hard hearing about X party they’d all been at or Y trip they’d been on together that I’d not been included in.

However as a PP says, you have a lot of groups! Maybe these people put all their energies and socialising time into just one group and that’s why they are tighter knit. There are pros and cons both ways.

Try not to dwell on it. It’s really not your fault. I had a thing a few years ago at work where this one girl would invite everyone at work who was around our age to events, parties etc,I didn’t have any real connection with her, but neither did some of the others (3 of them are my best friends, so I knew they didn’t speak with her any more often than me) I found it weird and I overthought it for a while but you know what, I’ve just let it go, if she doesn’t want me around then fine, she missed out on nice bday gifts etc from me! :D

You can’t really do anything about it but it would be nice not to know about all the stuff that was happening minus you. Is there anyway you could curb finding these things out? Maybe they’re just used to that particular group of friends if they all met before you? We’re there times in the past where maybe you rejected invites to things or didn’t show up so they just feel like you maybe don’t want to be invited? Just a thought.

Same, this is me. Everybody I'm friendly with has better friends, or more inner tier friends. I'm used to it now.

It sounds like you have a lot of friendship groups, you’ve given 6 examples of different friend groups there. Maybe this is why you don’t really feel part of the ‘inner circle’ with any of them?

I only really have two friendship circles - my school friends and my work colleague friends. Both quite large groups and I’m not super close with everybody within both groups but would consider myself part of the ‘inner circle.’

Maybe you need to choose your closest friendships and focus on them rather than thinking you can be very close to people within all of these different groups? Cultivate the friendship which feel most meaningful and take a more relaxed approach in terms of time and effort towards some of the others.

I’m the same and it’s something that bothered me so much when I was younger. I made a lot of efforts to try and be in the ‘inner circle’.

In middle age, I am finally comfortable with who I am and my friendships. I’m not the sort of person who gets invited on ‘girls nights out’ or girls weekends away or even lunches with a group of women, and I’m ok with that. I spend a lot of time on my own and tbh that suits me. I do have friends- not very many- but the ones I have understand who I am and accept me as such. I usually see them one on one or in very small groups.

I have ‘couple friends’ with my DH, some of whom have been in our lives almost as long as we’ve been together. They’re easy and lovely friendships and we have some fun camping trips and meet ups from time to time.

Sometimes I crave female-only company though and am lucky to have a big group of friends consisting of women I met on a forum about 15 years ago. We have a WhatsApp group where I sometimes chat every day with whoever is there, and sometimes just pop in occasionally to share news or see how others are. They’re spread out around the country and some abroad, so I rarely see any of them in real life, but it is the only larger group where I’ve ever felt truly part of things and that’s because there is no ‘inner circle’ in that group. Just loads of us who chat now and then or daily if we fancy it. Different personality types and interests. It’s a lovely supportive group. It works for me because I like being on my own most of the time and don’t like going out/spending money I don’t have/having to get dressed up etc. I am going to the theatre with a few of them in August though and looking forward to that.

I have exactly the same experience OP. The only thing I would say is that the inner circle people in my case seem to bitch about each other a lot which made me think I’m better off out of it!

Agree I have never been in the midst of a big group and I have a few brilliant close friends. They don't know each other and it's great ..absolutely no politics or bitchiing to deal with!!

Same here.

Although I would agree with @BillyBraggisnotmylover about the inner circle and bitchyness.
My sister is part of one and they are often talking about eachother. Which is ridiculous as they’re all between 40-55.

I have a nice group of friends but 3 of them always do things together and 2 of us don’t. Then we all meet up occasionally.

I like my own company and oen hobbies so it’s fine.

I found this in the past, so instead cultivated one - on-one friendships. That works for me as I don't really like big group activities.

Only example 2 sounds bad. Maybe example 6 is a bit awful too for you but the others are all just life. Normal. Nothing personal or specific to you. Example 2 would have really upset me. Is there an issue with the birthday person and you?

No, nothing like that. We are not mega close but I am confident we like each other and there's no weird vibes. I think perhaps they've actually been hanging out more without me (perhaps in smaller groups) than I realised and therefore are just closer. I think one of that particular group isn't so keen on me (just a feeling I get) so may be hosting social events I don't know about and not inviting me? So they've all got closer?

I think some of it might even be that they don't know (or maybe like) my DH so we're left out of "couples" socialising all the time. He's quite introverted and quiet but always polite.

I'm trying, believe me! It's tough.

Thanks for the replies and good to know I'm not alone. To answer your questions:

The reason I have lots of friendship groups is that I've worked bloody hard to try to cultivate them. When I moved away from a lot of uni friends and was in a different life stage (DC) I lost a lot of friendships especially locally and pretty much had to start again. When I feel like I've hit a barrier to getting any "closer" (eg I'm only seeing the group once every few months etc and people turn down my additional invites because they're busy etc) I've then looked elsewhere while maintaining what I can. I've taken up hobbies, started my own social groups, joined other people's groups etc.

I can't say yes to everything even from just one group due to family commitments, financial, work, balancing the needs of my children etc. But I say yes when I can.

We have no "couple friends" or "family friends" they we do things with as a couple or family really. Actually we do, one couple we see maybe 4 x a year.

I'm an extrovert or at least an ambivert so crave contact and get energy from others a lot.

I think I probably give the impression I have loads of friends and am super popular, but I'm missing this core strong friendship.

I love your post @Alcemeg !

I speak as someone with no friends ( but an amazing husband 🤩).

When I started going to festivals, I was so envious of people who had a circle of friends.

But all you need is someone who really gets you.

Even if, for now, that's just yourself

I know what you mean @babbscrabbs I have lots of loose social groups and several close friends but not a really tight inner circle group - always feel envious when you see fb posts of people going away with groups of friends 🤷‍♀️

Interesting because I feel the same way. If you're not a group person how exactly do you meet like-minded individuals out of interest?

I have a few close friends that I don’t see very often. No big groups for me.
Partner died 3 years ago - he didn’t like me going out with friends or even having people over to visit.
First boyfriend after this has recently split with me so now I’m struggling trying to find things to do, meet new people. I have a good circle at work but everyone just wants to get home and at weekends are busy with family etc. I had DD quite young and most people my age have much younger children.
Any tips would be good 😊

I am the same! You are not alone. I have pulled back on some groups over the year as it wasn't doing me any good. No advice but you are not alone

I think you have too many acquaintances for any of these friendships to develop in my view. You become an inner circle friend by confiding in someone you trust, being vulnerable and honest and establishing deeper understanding of each other. If you are skating a long the surface with tons of people - most will imagine you have more intimate friendships elsewhere.