Anyone else not in the "inner circle"?

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I have lots of friendship groups and I like them all, but I feel like I'm not in the inner circle for any of them.

Example 1 - good friends with two others, we met through our partners - I've become aware they meet up regularly together without me however (they knew each other first). I do sometimes see them without the other but much less frequently

Example 2 - big group of friends through a hobby - one recently had a big birthday and invited all but me and I happened to be at same venue, it was awkward and tbh I felt quite upset ( two others who had recently joined the team also hadn't been invited - see my other thread)

Example 3 - mum friends, they're lovely but live nearer each other and all have dogs so regularly meet for dog walking and in local pub etc and I feel like a bit of an afterthought

Example 4 - my uni friends - we're still close, but don't live near each other - they now are in their own "inner circles" elsewhere of mum / work / local friends

Example 5 - old work friends who I love dearly but we now only see each other maybe once or twice a year

Example 6 - school mum friends - always popping in for coffees etc around each other's houses, I invite them or suggest coffee out but seem to always get declined, we only do social things very rarely beyond that.

So despite having lots of friends, I don't feel I "belong" and often feel lonely. I feel like something must be wrong with me that I don't have these deep connections. I'm told by more demonstrative friends that I'm good company and I think I'm a good listener too, we often get beyond small talk and laugh a lot. I find I drive the majority of interactions / meet ups.

Am I alone?

Sometimes I crave female-only company though and am lucky to have a big group of friends consisting of women I met on a forum about 15 years ago. We have a WhatsApp group where I sometimes chat every day with whoever is there, and sometimes just pop in occasionally to share news or see how others are.

@waterlego obviously I’m not expecting you to say anything too identifying, but what type of forum was this? It sounds lovely!

This is me to a T (apart from no work friends with current role as it’s all remote so no day to day interaction) . I have a huge number of acquaintances and can fill a house for a huge party but no consistent small group of friends with whom I’m in an inner circle. A handful of lovely close friends but none of them are friends with each other - so no circle! No weekends away. I do think a lot of my friends assume I’m doing something with other friends…but I’m not!

@Coffeepot72- it is really lovely and I feel so lucky to have them! Initially we met on a very large forum for the particular profession we all worked in at the time. On that forum we had a pregnancy thread so lots of us who were pregnant/hoping to get pregnant/had recently had a baby congregated on there. Then the main forum changed in a number of ways which lots of us didn’t like, and a few of us were leaving the profession too so one of the thread regulars suggested we start our own forum. She set it up (I don’t know much about IT and internet but at the time there were free templates you could use to set up your own forums). So loads of us headed over there and then new people were introduced over the years. We don’t use the forum any more but now have the WhatsApp group and many of us are FB friends. Some meet more regularly in RL as they live in the same areas. Some have never been to any RL meets. What we all have in common is that we were all once part of the same profession, and most of us had children within a few years of each other (there are a few women who don’t have children though but had become part of the original thread for various reasons).

And for many of us, we were using the forum at a time when big life changes were going on. Infertility, miscarriage and baby loss, PND, divorce, illness, mental health difficulties, bereavement….
The forum was such a supportive place during those times and it has bonded us together and made us feel like true friends even if some of us haven’t ever met each other face to face. Not everyone who was on the original group is part of the WhatsApp we now use, but it is still quite a big group nonetheless.

I don't have an inner circle and have never managed to cultivate one. Its often better to just float about on the edges as I can come and go as I please. My time is precious to me so I won't jump through hoops to be friends with people who then exclude me.

I've developed a zero tolerence to it now, if I find out that I've not been invited or its been arranged behind my back cards get marked and I back off. No further help is given, no informal childcare and I stop going to activities where they all go out for dinner without me and when asked I will explain exactly why.

I'm on my own with DC and I'd only be able to rely on my parents and (unreliable) exh in an emergency but its worth potentially having to pay childcare to protect my sanity.

People do ask if I'm lonely, but you'll get there OP. Fuck 'em. They're not worth your energy. I know its so hard and hurtful and I must seem cold and aloof but trust me. Its better in the long run.

Hi OP not much to add except I feel your pain. In the past I had more loose and casual friendships that I used to work hard at to stay in touch with and meet for coffee or lunch etc but realised that the friendships weren't developing and in fact were being kept going by me so have consequently dropped the rope for want of a better expression and only a few of those casual friendships have survived. In terms of much closer friendships I seem to have lost the vast majority of these since we moved a few years ago and I came off social media, I did try to stay in touch with the closer friendships but noticed that once we moved / covid hit it became an out of sight out of mind situation.

Honestly I have spent many quiet moments over the past year or so being very upset that the closer friendships in particular have dropped off but have come to the realisation there is nothing I can do about as have tried and offered to come back and visit etc. What I have been doing more is using the time I used to spend seeing friends with my kids and husband, getting organised in the home, doing lots of rounds of decluttering and have soothed myself in my down times by saying that most friendships don't last, sad but true! So yep focussing on me and the family. Also I feel that many friendships fill a hole you can feel better yourself if you really love yourself. Cheesy but true!

Sorry not quite an answer to the inner circle question but wanted to chip in!!

I do do this, obviously not with every person in a big social group, but with individuals within these groups. I have quite intimate personal conversations.

The problem is, I don't really see any of them regularly enough for this to establish into more - not for want of trying, but because most people my age seem to already have their inner circle in place which takes priority in their lives. They don't necessarily have the same desire to expand that. I've literally had acquaintances say "I don't want or need any more friends!"

I'm not a priority for them. That's how it feels.

Thank you x

This, absolutely.

I have to admit I do actually go on weekends away with friends sometimes. With the ones I don't see often.

It's made me reflect. Perhaps these are actually my inner circle - it's just they're not my day to day, which is the problem and causing my feelings of loneliness.

I would so so love to have people locally who would come over for coffee or glass of wine and pop in each other's houses - and I did used to have something not far from this when my children were tiny, sadly that particular friendship group where I DID feel like we had an inner circle dissipated when we returned to work etc.

Came on to answer you Op and have just realised I know @waterlego and am not part of the WhatsApp group 😂

I’m much the same, I pick up some friends here and there (and actually have plenty of friends so I’m not lonely) but in no inner circles and am
never considered/invited unless I’m the one doing the arranging.

I always felt it was probably that (a) I’m fat and that puts people off and (b) I’m quite opinionated (not judgemental though!) although try very hard to keep that under wraps as much as possible as I never want to upset anyone. I’m very happy in my
own company, have a lovely husband and family who are my inner circle. And I appreciate I am
the organiser if I want to see people. It does smart sometimes when you realise you’ve been left out but 🤷‍♀️

I also used same forums as @waterlego 😂

You are in the inner circle of your own family. Don’t underestimate the value of that.

Hi @MrsTWH and @DontBeAPrickDarren! 👋🏼 Hope you’re both well. Trying to work out who you both are now 😂

I'm pretty much the same. I am outgoing, friendly and dobt like Birchington but dur sine reason I have alot of friends but none tyst are really deep.
Makes me feel very sad.
When I start to get close to someone they already have besties and dont need to be as close.

I'm the same. Lots of friendship groups but not in the inner circle. Recently walked past a restaurant and saw 4 friends having dinner, at the time I thought they were my closest to being inner circle, now I know I'm not!!

I actually do think I'm part of the problem. I have ADHD and massively over think everything. I saw what people what to hear rather than what I really think and I wonder people pick up on that. I know some of the school mums think I'm aloof and distant (one of them told me after we went on a school trip together!) but the school run is absolutely the most stressful part of my week (three dc and a dog!) so they're only seeing me at my worst.

My strategy is to focus on the people I really like. In each group there are a couple I feel closer too. They're the ones I've put effort into so I can text them or have a quick coffee sometime. They're also the most likely to make sure I'm invited to stuff and not forgotten.

Still happens sometimes and still hurts!!!

you create an inner circle by building individual friendships. Having more than surface convo. If there’s people in any of your groups that you click with invite them over or make a plan for after hobby, if they flake rearrange on the same day.

be normal.

call people on the phone for a chat! It doesn’t need to be a “girly thing”