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Original poster

So surprised/disappointed/disheartened

35 replies

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 06:54

Our dc is 20 and lives at home.
Their grandparent very ill at moment and I told them other day I don't think they got long as I wanted them to see them and they didn't bother coming with me.
Just no effort and has really made me feel like I'm done with them.
As if they can't make the effort when their grandparent that ill what's the point!?
I am shocked and really disappointed.

OP posts:
molescare · 17/06/2023 07:02

Sorry to hear this.
That's really sad. Could they feel unable to face it?

Amsooverthis · 17/06/2023 07:03

Prior to this have they had a strong relationship with their GParent? Is there a chance they don't want to come because it seems daunting, sometimes people don't want to see others in their final days/weeks, it's overwhelming.

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 07:03

Is it because they are struggling to think of them like that? Have you actually asked outright- I'm going to see grandparent did you want to come?

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:12

molescare · 17/06/2023 07:02

Sorry to hear this.
That's really sad. Could they feel unable to face it?

No
Just can't be bothered unless they are doing something with their mates or partner. Then lots of effort made.
They were very close with grandparents too but from teenager onward effort zero.
It shocks and saddens me as it makes me feel like I don't know my own child anymore.
I don't get it as their grandparents were amazing with them. The best.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:18

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 07:03

Is it because they are struggling to think of them like that? Have you actually asked outright- I'm going to see grandparent did you want to come?

Yes done that

OP posts:
pictoosh · 17/06/2023 07:20

20 yr olds are often very selfish. They live in a universe that revolves around their own agenda. They are also keen to make their own decisions based on that agenda. They are primarily concerned with their social standing so that gets priority.

I think many of us look back at ourselves at that age and wonder why the hell our head was so far up our own arse.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:21

Amsooverthis · 17/06/2023 07:03

Prior to this have they had a strong relationship with their GParent? Is there a chance they don't want to come because it seems daunting, sometimes people don't want to see others in their final days/weeks, it's overwhelming.

No they just wrapped up in themselves and their problems.

OP posts:
SnapPop · 17/06/2023 07:25

YANBU - I would feel very disappointed too. I know you can't physically force them but, while the grandparent is still with you, I wouldn't give up. I would continue to tell your DS every time you go to visit that their grandparent would like to see them.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:28

pictoosh · 17/06/2023 07:20

20 yr olds are often very selfish. They live in a universe that revolves around their own agenda. They are also keen to make their own decisions based on that agenda. They are primarily concerned with their social standing so that gets priority.

I think many of us look back at ourselves at that age and wonder why the hell our head was so far up our own arse.

They literally changed two weeks into secondary school and I don't know where that person was that I used to know primary years.
Also they have gone off the rails in everyway possible. Pushed the boundaries to the limit and beyond.
It's been a very tough few years with them and shocked me as not what I expected in my wildest dreams. Disappointed/very sad is an understatement.
I wound never say that to them but the way I feel at the moment is like a I'm done moment.
I feel like I will do what I have to do but no more extra as have tried to give them the best most rounded happy life and one of my parents really struggling and they can't be bothered to even see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:30

SnapPop · 17/06/2023 07:25

YANBU - I would feel very disappointed too. I know you can't physically force them but, while the grandparent is still with you, I wouldn't give up. I would continue to tell your DS every time you go to visit that their grandparent would like to see them.

Yeah said that

OP posts:
Flocider · 17/06/2023 07:48

I'd be disappointed too OP, sadly you can't force them it sucks though.

FuckYouEzekiel · 17/06/2023 08:00

Do they pay rent/contribute towards bills etc?

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:10

Flocider · 17/06/2023 07:48

I'd be disappointed too OP, sadly you can't force them it sucks though.

Yeah it guts me as I don't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:11

FuckYouEzekiel · 17/06/2023 08:00

Do they pay rent/contribute towards bills etc?

No

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 17/06/2023 08:14

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:12

No
Just can't be bothered unless they are doing something with their mates or partner. Then lots of effort made.
They were very close with grandparents too but from teenager onward effort zero.
It shocks and saddens me as it makes me feel like I don't know my own child anymore.
I don't get it as their grandparents were amazing with them. The best.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry this must really hurt. Even though their relationship hasn't been a priority for your child, at 20 I'd expect your child to realise that it's important to support you! That could include going to visit, but if not, doing nice things to show they recognise this is a difficult time or talking about their grandparents or asking how to help you. I think you have a very selfish and inconsiderate child.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/06/2023 08:14

I understand your disappointment @greentrainx , their Grandparent would like to see them and they won't make time for them, it's selfish of them but at 20 you can't make them go. You've given them a happy childhood but that's over now, time to let them be an adult and make there own mistakes. Stop doing the things you'd do for a child and make them be responsible for themselves

LakeTiticaca · 17/06/2023 08:18

At 20 I Wass going through a very anarchic stage of life. At odds with my parents. I had moved back home after leaving and they made it clear I wasn't welcome. Grandma lived nearby, she wasn't the huggy affectionate type and from the generation that believed children should been seen and not heard..
She passed away fairly suddenly when I was around 20. I didn't even bother going to her funeral. Something I bitterly regret now x

notsosoftanymore · 17/06/2023 08:20

To my shame and guilt, I once didn't go to see a friend in the hospice. It was a long way and there were other difficulties and I sent flowers etc but inside, I just couldn't face meeting her knowing death was imminent. I was terrified. I have had to deal with early death of my parents and I'm a lot more sorted now but some people just can't deal with things, especially when they're young.
Sorry to hear about the difficulties with your dc, I do agree with others about the selfishness of teenage/young adulthood. Our oldest was by no means the worst she could have been but she does now apologise for some of things she said and did at that point. It's part of growing up, she's lovely now.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:27

Daleksatemyshed · 17/06/2023 08:14

I understand your disappointment @greentrainx , their Grandparent would like to see them and they won't make time for them, it's selfish of them but at 20 you can't make them go. You've given them a happy childhood but that's over now, time to let them be an adult and make there own mistakes. Stop doing the things you'd do for a child and make them be responsible for themselves

Yeah that's what I'm going to do.
Because of this although I love them well I think I still do I'm not sure if I like them anymore. Been feeling like this for a while as do nothing to help me just caused me so much stress last few years. We used to be a great family but not so great anymore.

We live near the coast so this weekend their priority is getting to beach with partner.

This is just one of many things but I look at them now and just think I'm not interested in their life anymore as spent last twenty years worrying about them, helping them loads etc.
They have mental health problems too so there is always some issue why they can't get a job but got enough energy to dress up for their partner, walk two miles for a bottle of vodka etc. you get the jist.
Their grandparents are gold and it would mean so much to them if they popped in. I have even been blunt and said the next time maybe at funeral which sounds like emotional blackmail but trying to get through seriousness of situation.
I feel so sad today. I feel done.....

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:35

LakeTiticaca · 17/06/2023 08:18

At 20 I Wass going through a very anarchic stage of life. At odds with my parents. I had moved back home after leaving and they made it clear I wasn't welcome. Grandma lived nearby, she wasn't the huggy affectionate type and from the generation that believed children should been seen and not heard..
She passed away fairly suddenly when I was around 20. I didn't even bother going to her funeral. Something I bitterly regret now x

Really Sorry to hear that.
Yeah there is lots of things I know I haven't done right in my life but dc grandparents are hugging type kind absolutely adored dc and now they just don't bother. I will be honest and say I also find it embarrassing that dc makes no effort.
I think at 20 it's old enough to know better in my dc case. Your situation sounds abit different as your grandparent was more cold/less affectionate.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 17/06/2023 08:38

@greentrainx I remember being sad when I was about 11 when I realised that my parents weren't perfect, just normal people with flaws like everyone else. As a child you think your parents can make everything better. You've had the adult version where it's sad to realise that you love your child but that doesn't mean you always like them.

pickledandpuzzled · 17/06/2023 08:43

They are at an age where grandparents feel old and likely to die, in the natural order of things.

As a small child it's unthinkable. As an young adult it's inevitable so therefore uninteresting.

As a mature person you realise what you are losing, the impact on other people, and all sorts of ramifications you are oblivious to as a nipper.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/06/2023 08:46

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:11

No

Show quote history

Why not?

Anyway, YANBU at all.

anythinginapinch · 17/06/2023 08:49

I'd be disappointed too in my DC if they made that choice. They have no empathy - one of your parents is dying ffs!- no kindness and no ability to do something simply because it is the right thing to do rather than something that pleases them. Ho hum. They may change as they age, or they may not.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:53

notsosoftanymore · 17/06/2023 08:20

To my shame and guilt, I once didn't go to see a friend in the hospice. It was a long way and there were other difficulties and I sent flowers etc but inside, I just couldn't face meeting her knowing death was imminent. I was terrified. I have had to deal with early death of my parents and I'm a lot more sorted now but some people just can't deal with things, especially when they're young.
Sorry to hear about the difficulties with your dc, I do agree with others about the selfishness of teenage/young adulthood. Our oldest was by no means the worst she could have been but she does now apologise for some of things she said and did at that point. It's part of growing up, she's lovely now.

Really Sorry to hear about your friend.
Problem with our dc there has been so many issues I could write a book and it has broken my spirit. I feel a changed person as last few years have been tough and they have made life pretty horrible at times with pushing the boundaries etc and now when I am potentially losing once of my parents and just need them to step up this one time they won't and it has made me feel alot of animosity towards them. I think they can sense it last few days as because they haven't come with me when I've seen them later I've only spoken to answer questions from them. I've made minimal effort to chat. Can't be bothered like they can't be bothered.
I feel like one of the worse things you can go through is losing a parent and I know it's not happened yet it's coming and they can't be bothered so for me that's pretty disgusting and I'm sick of making excuses for them to other people about why they haven't got a job etc
They are selfish at the moment as me and my partner have tried to be good parents and be there for them. We haven't done everything perfect by far but almost died trying to sort out all the problems we have had from them.
I am just abit sick of hearing all this rubbish all the time about young people and their mental health and tip toeing around them. We got on with things when I was growing up. Everything is an excuse now. We have paid out for counselling blah blah blah for our dc. We have done so much to help them and they have done nothing to be part of our family in last few years. I would never have put my parents through what our child has put us through. It shocks me as they were a beautiful person in primary school but last few years someone I don't know.

OP posts:
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