Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So surprised/disappointed/disheartened

35 replies

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 06:54

Our dc is 20 and lives at home.
Their grandparent very ill at moment and I told them other day I don't think they got long as I wanted them to see them and they didn't bother coming with me.
Just no effort and has really made me feel like I'm done with them.
As if they can't make the effort when their grandparent that ill what's the point!?
I am shocked and really disappointed.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 17/06/2023 08:56

This "child" is an adult so is free to make their own choice on such matters - there is no obligation.
But, adulthood cuts both ways, so clearly time that they start paying rent to live with parent, or move out and fend for themselves.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 09:04

Hbh17 · 17/06/2023 08:56

This "child" is an adult so is free to make their own choice on such matters - there is no obligation.
But, adulthood cuts both ways, so clearly time that they start paying rent to live with parent, or move out and fend for themselves.

Yeah I totally agree but they have no job at the moment and mental health issues so hard as don't want them to end up sleeping rough.
Easier said than done.

OP posts:
Weal · 17/06/2023 09:18

Op I’m so sorry to he at that your parent is poorly and likely to pass away. It’s so hard to be in that situation of waiting and knowing you’ll have the loss soon. I can totally understand why you feel upset about your DCs apparent indifference to the situation.

I agree with the others who have said to stop doing so much for them. They are an adult now and it’s right to start treating them more like and adult and stop enabling them by paying for too much etc.

A couple of things I did want to ask more about what the following. I wonder if they may explain your DCs behaviour a little more?

You said “We haven't done everything perfect by far”- what does that mean? What is your DCs perspective of your parenting and their childhood? Could they be angry at something or feel let down themselves. I only ask because often a parent and a child’s perspective of their relationship is very different.

you also said “We got on with things when I was growing up. Everything is an excuse now. We have paid out for counselling blah blah blah for our dc.” What mental health issues does your DC have, what was the counselling for?

When was the last time your DC saw their grandparent?

My thoughts are with you op. I’m sure coping with both the impending loss of a parent and difficult relationship with your child at the same time is awfully stressful.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 09:21

anythinginapinch · 17/06/2023 08:49

I'd be disappointed too in my DC if they made that choice. They have no empathy - one of your parents is dying ffs!- no kindness and no ability to do something simply because it is the right thing to do rather than something that pleases them. Ho hum. They may change as they age, or they may not.

Yeah hope the change as not liking what I am seeing at the moment.
They were a nightmare at secondary school too.
Every week I would have the school ringing me about some sort of issue.
It was draining....
I would be at work. I work for the police so can't just drop everything and the school would be phoning me about more crap that my dc had got up to. Never their fault always someone else so I would go to school and sit there and listen to year head or whoever droning on about how bad my child was in the nicest possible way. It was so stressful.
They left early too with no qualifications and have done a few jobs since but nothing long term. I'm just sick of whole thing as I thought at least at this age they would have got their act together.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 09:33

Weal · 17/06/2023 09:18

Op I’m so sorry to he at that your parent is poorly and likely to pass away. It’s so hard to be in that situation of waiting and knowing you’ll have the loss soon. I can totally understand why you feel upset about your DCs apparent indifference to the situation.

I agree with the others who have said to stop doing so much for them. They are an adult now and it’s right to start treating them more like and adult and stop enabling them by paying for too much etc.

A couple of things I did want to ask more about what the following. I wonder if they may explain your DCs behaviour a little more?

You said “We haven't done everything perfect by far”- what does that mean? What is your DCs perspective of your parenting and their childhood? Could they be angry at something or feel let down themselves. I only ask because often a parent and a child’s perspective of their relationship is very different.

you also said “We got on with things when I was growing up. Everything is an excuse now. We have paid out for counselling blah blah blah for our dc.” What mental health issues does your DC have, what was the counselling for?

When was the last time your DC saw their grandparent?

My thoughts are with you op. I’m sure coping with both the impending loss of a parent and difficult relationship with your child at the same time is awfully stressful.

The comment that I made that we aren't perfect by far is a general observation of us as parents. Like everyone isn't perfect.
We both work and good values just a normal family. We are good people who care.
We have done our best and I feel that at every stage of our child's life we have always tried to be there for them, present, and help them as much as possible.
If I look back I still feel that I know how much help love input we have given them.
Our adult child has anxiety and depression and we done everything we could to help them with this within our means and what is available.
They have never wanted for anything in sense of having two parents present and trying to help them. They have everything material wise as well.
I can't go int every single thing we have done but I know 100 percent we have done our best for our child within what we can do ourselves.
Even though they have these mental health conditions they are able to attend functions with mates and partner so half sn hour to see grandparents isn't much to ask

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 10:55

pickledandpuzzled · 17/06/2023 08:43

They are at an age where grandparents feel old and likely to die, in the natural order of things.

As a small child it's unthinkable. As an young adult it's inevitable so therefore uninteresting.

As a mature person you realise what you are losing, the impact on other people, and all sorts of ramifications you are oblivious to as a nipper.

Even if I thought that when I was their age I would have gone for my parents.
Disappointing.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 10:59

Daleksatemyshed · 17/06/2023 08:38

@greentrainx I remember being sad when I was about 11 when I realised that my parents weren't perfect, just normal people with flaws like everyone else. As a child you think your parents can make everything better. You've had the adult version where it's sad to realise that you love your child but that doesn't mean you always like them.

I don't like much at the moment as does nothing to be part of family.
Only interested in us when they need cash.
Love them but disappointed which I would never ever say to them but I feel that at the moment.

OP posts:
Comfortablechairs · 17/06/2023 11:42

Sadly many adult children continue to be selfish like this. A dear friend of mine had a difficult year before her father died. Her niece came regularly to visit her elderly grandfather and brought her young children which he loved. Her nephew who lived much nearer never visited once in spite of being repeatedly asked to come. Both niece and nephew inherited significant sums from their grandfather. The nephew and his wife used the money to extend their family home and were clearly pleased with the money ( they knew they would inherit)
My friend has quietly changed her will so that only her niece will inherit. She is single and wealthy and has found it hard to feel the same about her nephew after his selfish, neglectful behaviour to his grandfather who he professed to love dearly.

Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 11:51

Comfortablechairs · 17/06/2023 11:42

Sadly many adult children continue to be selfish like this. A dear friend of mine had a difficult year before her father died. Her niece came regularly to visit her elderly grandfather and brought her young children which he loved. Her nephew who lived much nearer never visited once in spite of being repeatedly asked to come. Both niece and nephew inherited significant sums from their grandfather. The nephew and his wife used the money to extend their family home and were clearly pleased with the money ( they knew they would inherit)
My friend has quietly changed her will so that only her niece will inherit. She is single and wealthy and has found it hard to feel the same about her nephew after his selfish, neglectful behaviour to his grandfather who he professed to love dearly.

Yeah I don't understand some people.
Someone I know was paying for driving lessons for their son and they found out the son was pretending to go and spending driving lesson money on drugs.
Then apparently mentioned few weeks later how a course they wanted to do at university cost thousands hinting but they were told you will have to save up.
Shame as if my acquaintances son hadn't done this his parents would have loved to help him with uni. They would have been so proud but were done. Didn't trust him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentrainx · 17/06/2023 11:53

Comfortablechairs · 17/06/2023 11:42

Sadly many adult children continue to be selfish like this. A dear friend of mine had a difficult year before her father died. Her niece came regularly to visit her elderly grandfather and brought her young children which he loved. Her nephew who lived much nearer never visited once in spite of being repeatedly asked to come. Both niece and nephew inherited significant sums from their grandfather. The nephew and his wife used the money to extend their family home and were clearly pleased with the money ( they knew they would inherit)
My friend has quietly changed her will so that only her niece will inherit. She is single and wealthy and has found it hard to feel the same about her nephew after his selfish, neglectful behaviour to his grandfather who he professed to love dearly.

Some people surprise us in this life.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread