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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel weird about bf drinking

40 replies

nauseatedsidney · 16/06/2023 18:53

Hi,

I left stbxh a couple of years ago. He was addicted to everything, with all different substances causing different problems. He was emotionally and verbally abusive as well as coercively controlling us all. He was particularly unpredictable on alcohol and could get really arsey with people. Never got in an actual fight but only because he was tall, intimidating and angry looking.

Anyway I've met a lovely man that I adore. He has a safety critical job so doesn't do any drugs at all and barely drinks. In the year we've been together he's probably drank a handful of times. He takes it too far, but is a great drunk. Friendly, funny, centre of the party.

In my head I know it's all good and he's totally different. But when he's drinking my anxiety levels go through the roof!! I don't suffer at all from anxiety, and my brain is telling me it's all good but my body is nauseous, palpitations going on, overthinking, etc.

This is defo a me problem so I don't even want to make him uncomfortable by telling him. I'm not sure counselling would help as I know what the problem is. Has anyone had this before that can advise how to move on without this unreasonable physical reaction?

This isn't a deal breaker with bf at all, he's great.

TIA

OP posts:

Original poster

nauseatedsidney · 16/06/2023 18:56

In fact thinking about it, stbxh did get in a fight in our early marriage and got his two front teeth knocked out and me thrown down some steps. 19 years ago, funny how the memory tries to lose these things!

OP posts:

Mummy08m · 16/06/2023 18:58

If he really "takes it too far" then it IS a problem for him. I wouldn't call that "barely drinks". Abstaining for months then bingeing till you're drunk is not normal, healthy or (imo) attractive.

Also, I mean this gently but if you get physical symptoms like nausea and palpitations then that sounds like textbook anxiety. Anxiety (if mild) is sometimes useful, it's your body telling you're detecting something is wrong.

What if you speak to bf about this? If you're afraid to for some reason, that's a bad sign.

Original poster

nauseatedsidney · 16/06/2023 19:00

I'm not at all afraid to speak to him about it I just don't want to make my problem his. He's not doing any harm he's having a great time

OP posts:

Mummy08m · 16/06/2023 19:01

What do you mean by "takes it too far"? What does that look like

AutisticLegoLover · 16/06/2023 19:02

It's a problem and your body is telling you it's a problem. Could you live with those symptoms every time he drinks even though it's rare? My dad was a functional
alcoholic and people drinking causes me great anxiety so I understand your feelings and symptoms

Seaweed42 · 16/06/2023 19:02

What does 'he takes it too far' look like? If there was a camera on the wall what would we be seeing?

thedancingbear · 16/06/2023 19:03

I’m afraid he sounds like a problem drinker, OP.

Random789 · 16/06/2023 19:11

Woah, I don't think you can infer from the OP's anxiety that the new partner is a problem drinker. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but the anxiety isn't a guide.

OP, if you have been traumatised in the past by an ex-partner's problem drinking, I do think it would be reasonable to tell your current partner about this. Not in order to ask him to modify his behaviour, but just in the spirit of sharing, being frank and open and asking him for his support. If he is a great guy he will want to find a way of making these occasions ok for you, either by modifying his drinking or by just talking things through.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2023 19:29

You’ve gone from one addict with more issues than Vogue to yet another of a not too dissimilar type, this one being a binge drinker. He may be having a good time but you are dragged down with him by association.

Did you see a heavily drinking parent when growing up?

Your boundaries here, already harmed by previous rubbish relationship experience, are being further eroded by this man now.

Love your own self for a change. Read about codependency and enabling and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2023 19:33

He is not going to modify his drinking for anyone, let alone the op if she were to ask him to do this.

CheeseandTrees · 16/06/2023 19:34

I think we all have different tolerances but a handful of times doesn't seem extreme to me. Most of my friends drink to the point of tipsy regularly but then drink to excess at least a handful of times per year. Personally I'm tee total because I did have a drinking problem (every single day after work until I fell asleep) but I wouldn't describe my friends who occasionally get carried away/binge as alcoholics. It's usually situational for them, rather than the uncontrollable habit it was for me.

CheeseandTrees · 16/06/2023 19:39

Sorry OP, I got carried away in disagreeing with posters calling his drinking problematic. I didn't actually answer your question. I think therapy could be helpful. It sounds like you have a fear of drunk men but he hasn't done anything to suggest you should fear him drinking. A regular session with someone who can help you distinguish between worrying behaviour and internal fear would be good, in my opinion.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2023 19:51

I also think therapy for the OP would be helpful so she can address exactly why she keeps picking these particular types of men. A funny friendly drunkard can easily turn into a bad tempered mean drunk and even if he did not people are going to associate the Op with him.

tribpot · 16/06/2023 19:58

Therapy isn't just about identifying what the problems are, but helping you to respond to situations differently. If your BF's drinking is not problematic, I think you would benefit from counselling to help you work through these feelings and how you can deal with them.

I do worry, though, that your instincts are screaming at you for a reason. How much alcohol does he drink when he takes it too far? What is he like on holiday, is he only moderating his drinking when he needs to for work?

I'm also concerned that you won't tell him about it. You should be able to say 'drinking to excess upsets me because of my ex-H and I'm going to work on that with a counsellor'. How do you think he would react if you did?

Original poster

nauseatedsidney · 17/06/2023 00:56

So when I say he takes it too far, he drinks too much and gets a bit elated. All in absolute good spirits and I can't claim I don't have a few too many on occasion. I also don't cause any bother when drinking, I'm a happy drunk, so is he. I'm not concerned about him at all, in his social circles, it's infrequent that he drinks, his friends are wealthy and are constantly out. He's not out often but when he does he goes for it.

I'm not asking if i should be concerned about his drinking, I'm not. I know this is about me not him. He's not done anything wrong. If I mentioned this he'd stop drinking in my company for sure, he's a great guy and values me more than alcohol. I'd never project my issues onto his life, i want to deal with my issue at source.

OP posts:

Original poster

nauseatedsidney · 17/06/2023 01:07

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2023 19:51

I can see how this would be assumed. There really is no comparison between stbxh and bf, they are poles apart. One drinks for fun (bf) the other to suppress stress and anxiety and it's a car crash. I didn't see bf drunk for months after we met as it's so infrequent so that's really not part of the persona I fell for x

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 17/06/2023 01:08

Your new partner doesn't have the problem but you do so go get it fixed. I hardly think a handful of times or more getting drunk and a decent drunk at that is something to be alarmed about. Similar to my hubby barely ever gets drunk but when he does it's funny. But you already know your past can't be inflicted onto your new partner

Original poster

nauseatedsidney · 17/06/2023 01:10

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2023 19:33

He is not going to modify his drinking for anyone, let alone the op if she were to ask him to do this.

This one would, he was worried that I'd find him boring as he doesn't drink generally. He is a binge drinker, he drinks too much when he does drink, but he doesn't cause bother and would definitely pick me over drink, I don't even question that. It's the physical response I get to him drinking, although my head says he's not threatening, that I'm struggling with

OP posts:

Original poster

nauseatedsidney · 17/06/2023 01:14

Mummy08m · 16/06/2023 19:01

What do you mean by "takes it too far"? What does that look like

Looks like the music getting turned up, hon encouraging the company to order another bottle of vino, loud jokes, hilarity, dancing...nothing at all sinister, but the one that always spurs it all on. Otherwise he's not drinking at all

OP posts:

Lcb123 · 17/06/2023 05:51

nauseatedsidney · 17/06/2023 01:14

Show quote history

This all sounds reasonable to me. Everyone’s allowed to let off steam now and then. I think you need to seek some support yourself if you want to move forward with him

LumpySpaceCow · 17/06/2023 07:57

From what you describe, I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) could help.
I am no therapist but have had CBT in the past and found it really useful. It stopped me having such physical reactions (as you describe) to an external stimulus (in your case, your BF drinking).
I think you should discuss it with your BF - not for him to stop drinking, but so that he can support you. Unlike other PPs, I agree that this is a 'you' problem and that he shouldn't have to modify his behaviour (if he doesn't want to), but you need to find away to stop associating your previous partner's drinking and behaviour, with your new partner's.

Pkhsvd · 17/06/2023 08:07

I think people who are saying your current partners drinking is an issue are misunderstanding that your fight/flight/freeze reflex is being triggered by his drinking because of your past experiences and not because he is the issue. I’d suggest that you look up some techniques to regulate yourself, there’s various physical techniques that can bring you back to you in those situations. I do think CBT might be helpful as you may find there are other triggers too.

bedtimestories · 17/06/2023 08:47

Cognitive behavioural therapy would probably help

VanGoghsDog · 17/06/2023 08:53

He "barely drinks" because he's in a safety critical job, presumably with ad hoc testing. Then when he's not due on shift he "goes too far".

This is a problem. My brother is the exact same.

When he stops work, or changes job, you'll see the real problem.

sevenbyseven · 17/06/2023 08:53

Personally I think getting drunk and merry a few times is ok, but if it makes you anxious that's valid too. Either he needs to change, you need to, or you're not with the right person. Sorry for what you've been through with your ex.

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